Jump to content

I don't know what this means: He told me he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, yet isn't sure he wants to be with me

divegrl

By divegrl
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, divegrl said:

m why he said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me. He said that it was just what we had been talking about.  How I keep things surface level, fun, flirty. How he needs more deeper, meaningful, serious and logical interactions. 

At 2 months things should be fun, flirty and superficial. You don't open your wrist to a boyfriend of 2 months.

Six weeks ago you were in love with someone else. I don't know how people can just switch feelings like this. 

 

  • Like 6
  • Thanks 1
FMW Established Member

FMW

Posted
Posted

It's great that you talked.  If you are happy to try to dive deeper with him, then you have an invitation from him to to do so.

I don't think you should rush things though, be sure you are happy and comfortable with the pace things are going.  There's a reason you weren't being "deeper" with him, don't ignore the fact that your natural inclination was to take it slower.  

  • Like 5
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

At 2 months things should be fun, flirty and superficial. You don't open your wrist to a boyfriend of 2 months.

Six weeks ago you were in love with someone else. I don't know how people can just switch feelings like this. 

 

Agree.  I also don't like the way he shyt tested (manipulated) her to "go deeper."  By telling her he wasn't sure he could be with her?  WTF.

He's lucky she didn't dump his a$$ after saying that.🙄  

I dunno, I'm so tired of shyt tests and games, but hope it works out for her.

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 6
Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, divegrl said:

Hi friends!

So we had an amazing conversation! I told him there was some things I wanted to talk about.... and he said, “finally, we can have a real conversation.”

He said he has been trying to talk to me on a more serious level for a while... but when he does, I shut him down. This is true, I have a very hard time handling my emotions when things get too deep... it puts me in serious fight or flight mode.

So he told me how he really cared for me, loved me and has adored me since forever. He asked about feelings for him, and I told him I felt the same. 

I asked him why he said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me. He said that it was just what we had been talking about.  How I keep things surface level, fun, flirty. How he needs more deeper, meaningful, serious and logical interactions. 

He says he feels much better about us and us being together. We both agreed that this conversation was really healthy and positive and needed to be happening more often. 

What about this conversation was so "amazing?" He basically doesn't accept you for who you are. He told you that you have to change who you are, or he wouldn't take you seriously enough to consider being in a real relationship with. 

You wrote that your history with each other has been casual hookups once a year for years now. And, you wrote that he's got the reputation of short-term relationships because he's really a consummate bachelor at heart. I don't understand why you want or need his approval? 

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Is that in fact possible? Can you do that? 
I am always suspicious of men (and women) who want to actively steer others into being the person they want to be with.
He is asking you to change who you are... no pressure then...
I am a bit cynical and sceptical.
Had you been serious and intense, would be then want to make you more fun and flirty?

This is what I think too. He asked divegrl to change from being superficial, fun, and flirty, to more serious and intense with him as a condition to being with him in a real relationship. Sorry, but that is not love. That is manipulation on his part. And you want to be with a guy who acts like that? Change who you are, to please him? 

Well, if you want to enjoy a 6-12 month relationship with him, which is what his past dating relationship history shows, good luck! 

Edited by Watercolors
  • Like 4
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

The irony is had she "gone deeper" and been more intense, he would have threatened to dump her for that, claiming she was moving too fast. 

"Finally, we can have a serious conversation!" said no man ever after a mere two months.  Not any man I've ever known.  

Something is not jiving about this whole thing, sorry.

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 6
SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
52 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

The irony is had she "gone deeper" and been more intense, he would have threatened to dump her for that, claiming she was moving too fast. 

"Finally, we can have a serious conversation!" said no man ever after a mere two months.  Not any man I've ever known.  

Personally, if can't have a conversation about something of substance by the second date...my attraction could well wane.  A pretty face is easy to find, a pretty mind not so much.

Not all of us men are afraid of intense, so now you "know" one exists at least :)

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
57 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

...

Something is not jiving about this whole thing, sorry.

Indeed and agreed

  • Like 1
  • Author
divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
7 hours ago, princessaurora said:

See, that is why communication is key!  I'm so glad you confronted him about it and it turned out to be a positive outcome. Plus, you showed him what you have together means something to you by opening up to him.  I'm also thrilled I was right about him not trying to break things off with you. I know alot of people here thought that's what  was happening but my gut was telling me that wasn't the case because it happened in the same context it did for me with now hubby. Looks like your on/off guy may finally be ready to change  his ways  and put  a real effort into having  a stable, loving relationship. I'm happy for you divegrl! 

Thank you for sharing your story!

 

Yes I believe context and communication matters... and every situation is slightly different. So glad it worked out for you and your happy as well! That is a really sweet story. 
 

Have a beautiful day friend. 

  • Like 1
  • Author
divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
4 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Personally, if can't have a conversation about something of substance by the second date...my attraction could well wane.  A pretty face is easy to find, a pretty mind not so much.

Not all of us men are afraid of intense, so now you "know" one exists at least :)

Yay! Thank you for sharing!

  • Author
divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
2 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Indeed and agreed

 

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

The irony is had she "gone deeper" and been more intense, he would have threatened to dump her for that, claiming she was moving too fast. 

"Finally, we can have a serious conversation!" said no man ever after a mere two months.  Not any man I've ever known.  

Something is not jiving about this whole thing, sorry.

Yeah, I am not sure either. Agree most men like things flirty.

 

Thinking maybe it’s because we have known each other for so so so so long. 
 

Thank you friend!

peach302 Established Member

peach302

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, divegrl said:

 

Yeah, I am not sure either. Agree most men like things flirty.

 

Thinking maybe it’s because we have known each other for so so so so long. 
 

Thank you friend!

The main point is he's not sure he wants to be with you. He should have accepted you the way you were/are.

I would have made an exit after he said that...after finding out why. 

  • Like 2
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Thinking maybe it’s because we have known each other for so so so so long. 
 

The way I understand it you've known each other for a very long time but spoke once a year? And then during your last relationship problems you started talking more?

ETA: So all those years you spoke together he was ok with you being you. But now he's not ok with who you are? What is it exactly he wants you to open about? 

Edited by Gaeta
  • Like 1
  • Author
divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
1 minute ago, peach302 said:

The main point is he's not sure he wants to be with you. He should have accepted you the way you were/are.

I would have made an exit after he said that...after finding out why. 

Sigh. 
 

I felt really good about our communication. That I was able to express my feelings and he was able to express his... without either of us reacting or judging each other. 
 

I felt really safe with him.  I kinda feel like when I did open up to him... he did accept me. 
 

Thank you so much for your reply! Have a beautiful day!

  • Like 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
22 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Personally, if can't have a conversation about something of substance by the second date...my attraction could well wane.  A pretty face is easy to find, a pretty mind not so much.

Not all of us men are afraid of intense, so now you "know" one exists at least :)

A conversation of substance, of course!  Deep and intense?  That is something entirely different imo.

@divegrl, I don't have good feelings about this (my own gut feeling based on what you've written and my own personal experiences with men who send these types of mixed/double messages and who also claim to want "intense") but I will refrain from giving my opinion and simply say pay attention and stay aware.

The saying "things are not always what they appear to be" go can the other way too.

Good luck and please keep us posted.  xo

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 1
  • Author
divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The way I understand it you've known each other for a very long time but spoke once a year? And then during your last relationship problems you started talking more?

ETA: So all those years you spoke together he was ok with you being you. But now he's not ok with who you are? What is it exactly he wants you to open about? 

I mean all those years... we were both with other people. So our communication was light hearted. 
 

Now we our trying to make us work. I don’t know... I felt really good about everything.

peach302 Established Member

peach302

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Sigh. 
 

I felt really good about our communication. That I was able to express my feelings and he was able to express his... without either of us reacting or judging each other. 
 

I felt really safe with him.  I kinda feel like when I did open up to him... he did accept me. 
 

Thank you so much for your reply! Have a beautiful day!

That should have been closure  imo. 

It's not like he kept it to himself and waited till you got more comfortable  to open up or gave  you a chance.  He expressed he doesn't want to be with you. (Or not sure until unless you change but why should you have to change for anyone). 

You don't need his validation. 

Just to preserve your self respect you would do better to move on. 

But ultimately its upto you..

Edited by peach302
  • Like 1
  • Author
divegrl Established Member

divegrl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

A conversation of substance, of course!  Deep and intense?  That is something entirely different imo.

@divegrl, I don't have good feelings about this (my own gut feeling based on what you've written and my own personal experiences with men who send these types of mixed/double messages and who also claim to want "intense") but I will refrain from giving my opinion and simply say pay attention and stay aware.

The saying "things are not always what they appear to be" go can the other way too.

Good luck and please keep us posted.  xo

Thank you Poppy. 
 

That is a really good quote... that I will keep in mind. 

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

This is what people that have anxiety about something do...they twist things around, divert, and reshuffle the deck. OP this isn't on you to "make this work" for him. I too think he is pushing what he said before off to the side, and divert her attention to something else to make her think things are better.

OP tread carefully.

  • Like 2
FMW Established Member

FMW

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, divegrl said:

I felt really good about our communication.

Then enjoy where you are!  If YOU feel good, then relax and enjoy it.    

The less than positive comments made, including mine, are just to make sure you're keeping your eyes open and not ignoring things that trigger uncertainty in you.  

  • Like 3
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

I'm still wondering what he wants you to open about?

  • Like 4
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

divegrl, is this a long distance relationship/interaction?  Or local wherein you spend time together in person?  Was this conversation over text, phone or in person? 

I am trying to get a picture of what type of situation this is, not that it matters or any of my business really, but I would like to switch my frame from negative to more positive and send that positive energy to you versus what I am feeling now.

I know hokey but I believe in all that.... 😂

  • Like 1
Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted

So OP, is it true that you like to stay on the surface of things?

I mean you're only a few months in, so usually people aren't quite at the deep stuff yet, though they are starting to get more serious.

Interesting curve ball: he was complaining about you being superficial. Did not see that coming.

Is it true: are you really that superficial? 

  • Like 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

This whole thing just sounds so off.   He told her he loves her.  I can’t speak for others but if thought a man was superficial and shallow, I sure as hell wouldn’t be dating him let alone fall in love with him. 

Divegrl claims they’ve known each other a long time, he knows she’s not “superficial.”  She just wasn’t gushing all over him, spilling her feels, and why the hell should she, she just ended a significant long term relationship, and it’s only been two months.

Guy shyt tested/manipulated her by suggesting he couldn’t/didn't want to be with her but wouldn’t even tell her why; he allowed her brain to spin essentially forcing her to ask, and "go deeper."

I’m sorry maybe I am feeling the after effects of the relationship I just ended but that is classic shyt test/manipulation.

I am not judging divegrl for not seeing that, she's infatuated, in limerence.   I didn’t either.  But now that it’s over, I am seeing all the ways my ex manipulated me, how I allowed myself to be manipulated.

I don’t envision this ending well for divegrl; I hope I’m wrong.

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 4
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

I am as well questioning a few things here. 

  • If he loves her why did he threaten the Relationship. That screams manipulation to me.
  • What the heck people mean when they want others to open up. Open up about what? He wants to be her shrink? 
  • This is too much for a 2  month relationship. Having *talked* once in a while during years does not make you *know* someone. It's easy to keep a façade when all you do is talk on phone and text.  
  • Like 3
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am as well questioning a few things here. 

  • If he loves her why did he threaten the Relationship. That screams manipulation to me.
  • What the heck people mean when they want others to open up. Open up about what? He wants to be her shrink? 

Bolded, he was feeling anxious and insecure because she wasn't spilling her feels (opening up), she was being light and fun.  Which is understandable given she just ended a significant long term relationship and it's only been two months, like I said in earlier post.  It's possible they are even long distance (divegrl hasn't stated otherwise).

He was in need of reassurance so he did what many insecure people do, they shyt test and manipulate to find out what they need to know versus straightforwardly telling her what HE  wants, going "deeper" with her, opening up to her.

That's my take anyway, it's all f*cked, I wish she could see it, but I get why she can't.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 3
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...