I don't know what this means: He told me he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, yet isn't sure he wants to be with me

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 "Love you, you are so beautiful."

After 2 months I'd expect a more *substantial* compliment than you're so beautiful. To me that translate why this guy has been around the last 2 months - pretty lady. Then he realizes the pretty lady comes with  kids, an ex she's trying to get over, issues from being cheating on, etc etc. The pretty isn't good enough anymore. The guy is superficial. 

Edited February 11, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If some one I was dating said that to me, I would immediately ask exactly what the hell they were getting at. 

Same for me, posted it earlier.  To me it just seems like the natural question to ask, and still wondering divegrl why you didn't, and what did you say?

It would have been a great opportunity to get to know him better, what he's about.  And for him to learn what you're about. 

To me, there's not much there if you can't communicate about such things, but good luck.

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

After 2 months I'd expect a more *substantial* compliment than you're so beautiful. To me that translate why this guy has been around the last 2 months - pretty lady. Then he realizes the pretty lady comes with  kids, an ex she's trying to get over, issues from being cheating on, etc etc. The pretty isn't good enough anymore. The guy is superficial. 

Yeah, it was your classic mixed/double message.

"I love you, you're beautiful but not sure I want to be with you"?  Seriously?

I definitely would not have let that go.  

If it's one thing I've learned, when you hear a double message like that, better to focus on the negative one - I'm not sure I want to be with you.  That's likely the more accurate message.

The I love you, you're beautiful was to soften the blow.

Again, speculation.  Talk to him.

Edited February 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I definitely would not have let that go.  

Sometimes....

Only sometimes, Posters give us only part of the story to test the crowd then they go in full disclosure. I am not sure Divegrl had no reaction at all at his statement.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Sometimes....

Only sometimes, Posters give us only part of the story to test the crowd then they go in full disclosure. I am not sure Divegrl had no reaction at all at his statement.

Oh I'm sure she had a reaction, I asked yesterday what that was and she never responded. 

My thinking is if she had asked him what he meant, right then and there, she would not have needed to create this thread asking us.

I could be wrong.

So again I ask divegrl, how did you respond?

[poppyfields]

divegrl, was this conversation over text or in person?  

If text, I could see how it would he easy  (or easier) to ignore rather than if the convo were in person, and then ask us but unfortunately all we can do is speculate. 

 

 

 

Edited February 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[divegrl]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'll go the more pessimistic route. I think he's signaling that he wants to break up and that he sees no future in this relationship. He likes you as a person, but has concluded you and he aren't a good fit.

You're asking the wrong question btw. The question isn't "what does he mean?" The question is, "how do you feel after hearing that?"

 

Hi!

Thank you for this post!  I feel very hurt after he said that. 
 

Have a beautiful day friend. 

[divegrl]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Respectfully, I think the question is - “Can you clarify?”

There could be many reasons why he may say they are not sure they want to be with you. Perhaps she was thinking more about the short term (yes, I want to be with you!) and he is thinking about a more serious/long term commitment (or vice versa). It could be that it hasn’t been enough time. She has children, perhaps that gives him pause. She just ended a relationship, maybe he is taking it slow as a precaution. It could be so many things... 

I wouldn’t make any assumptions. The man said he loved you, I think it’s perfectly fine to ask him to have another discussion and ask him what his intentions are for the future of the relationship (recognizing the fact that it’s only been a few months). He doesn’t have to make a commitment, but you need to know if he is hoping to find a serious long term relationship or not. 

Hi Bailey!

 

Yes exactly! I need to get more clarification. I need to understand if he just has not sorted out his feelings yet... which is quite reasonable given the time frame of our relationship. 
 

Or if he truly does not see me as a long term partner. 
 

Thank you so much friend. 

[divegrl]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Oh I'm sure she had a reaction, I asked yesterday what that was and she never responded. 

My thinking is if she had asked him what he meant, right then and there, she would not have needed to create this thread asking us.

I could be wrong.

So again I ask divegrl, how did you respond?

We were talking, flirting, having fun. It seemed to be a really light hearted conversation. Laughing, playing....

 

We have both told each other, I love you before... so that’s not really a big deal. 
 

But we were both saying I love you. But then he says, “I love you, you’re beautiful, not sure I want to be with you.”

I mean why would a guy say that in the middle of having a wonderful time?

After, he said that, emotions flooded through my body. At this point, I could not cognitively think because I was hurt. *** I think*** my response back to him was “huh?”.

And I honestly can’t remember what he said after that. I know I said I needed to go... and then I came and wrote this post on LS. 
 

Thank you friend. I am trying to be as open as possible. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, divegrl said:

After, he said that, emotions flooded through my body. At this point, I could not cognitively think because I was hurt. *** I think*** my response back to him was “huh?”. 

Ok, I understand. So you know you need to have a conversation with him again about this. Tell him you want to go over what he said the other night. Stay calm, listen to what he has to say first then ask questions. You can do that in a phone conversation. 

Edited February 11, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

divegrl, just tossing this out, but is this new man from your past?  Someone you had connected with previously?

I ask because that seems to be going around, and the fact you have both exchanged I love you's, which seems fast for only knowing him two months straight after a significant break up.

And thank you for providing more context, agree with Gaeta.  Talk to him.

Good luck! 

Edited February 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@divegrl: Did he notice you left because you were shaken? Did you speak since? Even if it's just a hello.

[divegrl]

Thank you ladies!

So here are some additional thoughts. Yes, we have known each other for a very long time. We maybe connect 1x a year just to say happy birthday and such. 
 

Also, this man has never been married. Never had kids. And here is the thing... he said his last relationship was “on and off”  for YEARS!

I know I am projecting here... but maybe this is the same type of stuff he pulled with her. 
 

Calming myself, so when we have our next conversation... I can truly listen to what he is saying. 
 

Thank you so much for your insight friends. 

[FMW]

With the information you've given, I'm not sure how you get past that "not sure I want to be with you".  Men you don't know can tell you you're beautiful, and unfortunately "I love you" isn't always backed up with any real substance, especially so early in a relationship.  But not sure about wanting to be with you is pretty straight forward, especially when it's volunteered and not in response to an unexpected question.  

    

 

[Allupinnit]

Girl you got the old "you're a nice guy, but..." - I'd pass before he has a chance to do any further emotional damage.  You need a break from men.

[amygirl908]

In my experience a guy will move heaven and earth for you and won't hesitate to tell you when he's really into you.

Love is unconditional so an I love you, but... is typically not a good sign and I would take that with a grain of salt. He might like the idea of you, he maybe infatuated with you, but his feelings are likely superficial. Mainly because he didn't need to tell you he loved you he should just say he's not sure where the relationship is going.

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Also, this man has never been married. Never had kids. And here is the thing... he said his last relationship was “on and off”  for YEARS!

You know this is a huge red flag. He's keeping himself free for next time they are on.

If their off time is a few months and he's reaching that few months...you know where he's heading.

I would not need to hear more from him.

You don't need a man THAT bad, right? 

You need to take a break. After your break you'll make better choices.

[peach302]

16 hours ago, divegrl said:

Hi!

I started dating a man a couple of months ago. Things are going well or I guess going well. 
 

We had a conversation today, that he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. Yet, he is not sure he wants to be with me. What does that even mean?

I have heard that guys fall in love quickly, so does this mean this guy will never feel more deeply for me?

 

Feeling a bit lost, at the moment and would appreciate any advice. 
 

Thank you friends!

I would find out what he really meant by that. 

I think you should wish him well and go your own way.

I don't agree with continuing to date him and others as another poster said. 

Edited February 11, 2021 by peach302

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, divegrl said:

We have both told each other, I love you before... so that’s not really a big deal

Before when? Before your previous relationship?

[peach302]

17 hours ago, divegrl said:

Hi!

I started dating a man a couple of months ago. Things are going well or I guess going well. 
 

We had a conversation today, that he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. Yet, he is not sure he wants to be with me. What does that even mean?

I have heard that guys fall in love quickly, so does this mean this guy will never feel more deeply for me?

 

Feeling a bit lost, at the moment and would appreciate any advice. 
 

Thank you friends!

Someone who loves you should not hesitate in being with you though.

There are some who used the word "love" far too often and there is no real value to it. 

I've had all kinds of people tell me they "love" me but  I'm sure half the time there is no real meaning behind it. 

Something to consider.

Edited February 11, 2021 by peach302

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, divegrl said:

Also, this man has never been married. Never had kids. And here is the thing... he said his last relationship was “on and off”  for YEARS

We’ll, in this context what he said is more concerning. I wouldn’t consider this to be a prospective long term relationship or you... 

[Ruby Slippers]

If I were in your situation, I'd let this fade out and then take a good 6 months before dating again. I broke up with someone 8 months ago after just a 6-month relationship and haven't even begun to think about dating again until lately.

I've never jumped from one relationship to another. I feel it's not even fair to the other person to get into a rebound situation. I only date again after I've healed and let go of any lingering bitterness. This means every new relationship is a clean slate.

[lana-banana]

This is the rare situation in which context, background, or additional information is really not relevant. You can't have a stable relationship when your partner doesn't even know if they want to continue it. But maybe you don't have to---someone who isn't sure that they want to be with you is at best reconsidering your relationship or at worst preparing to break it off. I would walk and say he could call you if/when he makes up his mind. But at any rate don't hang your hat on this one.

[princessaurora]

I'm with alot of other posters here. You should never have let him get away with making such an statement without an explanation.  My now husband made a similar one about a month into our relationship.  We were talking on the phone one day and I remember clear as day when he said during the middle of flirty fun conversation  "I'm not sure I want to get seriously involved with you. " Immediately, I was like "what do you mean,?" He said "because you're so young and and you're probably going to outgrow me and want to move on to another guy pretty quick." I  was like "Dude, I'm 19, and you're 21, please." And he was like" yeah but there's a big maturity jump between 19 and 21. You may be a totally different person in a couple of years."  I assured him I really liked him and wasn't suddenly going to lose interest because it took alot from guys to pique it in the first place, and that put his mind at ease. He let his guard down after that and about a month later he had his wisdom teeth pulled and I spent the weekend at his house with him basically playing nurse. At one point he looked at me and said " If i'd known you a long time, I'd tell you I loved you right now"  It was one of the best phrases a guy had ever used with me because it felt realistic. He knew it was too soon to say those words, so he tweeked it a little but still got his message across. I can still remember how much it touched me.

That's why you need to sit down and have a come to geesus with him about what he was implying because it could be good or bad. Don't let guys do this to you, OP. If they say something cryptic or confusing, confront them. I know you were initially shocked, but once you snapped back to reality you should have called or texted him and said "WTF was that about?"  It's better than walking away crushed and never getting your question answered. Learn how to rip off that bandaid, girl. 

My initial thought was the same as @Gaeta  He might just be afraid he's a rebound to you and doesn't want to get hurt. You've known him for a long time, but never crossed over to more than friends till you broke up with your boyfriend, so he's bound to have concerns. He may also be overwhelmed with what he's feeling since he tends to be an off/on guy and doesn't want to hurt you either. If he had sat you down and told you in a serious matter he's not sure he wants to be with you, I would lean more towards the possibility of letting you down easy, but the fact he did it while you were flirting and playing around leads me more to think he's just putting a guard up. 

Regardless, you have to find out if you want to even consider moving forward with him. So reach out to him today and tell him you want to talk to him about what brought on that comment as soon as possible. I know it's scary, but you owe it to yourself to find out the truth instead of just assuming he's lost interest because that may not be the case at all. But please, learn a valuable lesson from this and In the future, don't ever let a guy pull that bull with you. I sure never did. You make a statement like that to me, you better be ready to come clean about what it meant. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

[smackie9]

I never believed there was such thing as a "commitment phobe" and well there he is!