I found out, the person I'm in love with recently messaged their ex multiple 'I miss you' texts. dating, long-term)

[SarrahStone]

I am completely new to this, so I will explain everything to the best of my ability. Fair warning: this is long... For the past six months, I have been in a relationship with someone. I confessed my feelings for them during the summer, and the reciprocated, saying they felt the same way about me. Since then we have been spending a lot of time getting to know each other better on a very deep level. When I am with them, I feel safe, loved, and understood. My love for them is something that without a doubt, I have never felt for another person. They are someone that I see myself growing even closer to, and possibly even going far with. Now that the "context" is out of the way, recently I found out, through an outsider, that my significant other had been messaging their ex. Saying that they missed her. I was shown screenshots, so I know that it's true. My heart shattered, and impulsively I proceeded with a confrontation. My s/o's explanation? "I was weak." And then proceed to say how ashamed they were to talk to me. I don't want to lose them, or what we had. But part of me doesn't want to get hurt again. I have yet to talk to them further about our relationship, so this is far from over. I am posting this here because, at the moment I have no one I trust available to vent to. I'm open to seeing what someone else might think about this whole situation.

[d0nnivain]

Sadly, you can't lose what you never had.  The person you claim to love has always been hung up on the EX.  You are the consolation prize.  Sorry

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SarrahStone said:

I'm open to seeing what someone else might think about this whole situation.

You need to date other women. This one is not honest, no less done with this on/off "ex".

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, SarrahStone said:

 this is far from over

It's a lot closer to being over than you are allowing yourself to realize.

Please research "rebound relationships".

The light bulb will come on and hopefully clear your head enough to make the right decisions.

 

[ShyViolet]

Are you actually in a committed, exclusive relationship with this person?  Have you had the exclusivity talk?  It sounds a little up in the air from the tone of your post.  You called them "the person I'm in love with" instead of "my boyfriend/girlfriend".

[Watercolors]

I agree with the consensus that it seems like you're the rebound for your current s/o, who is hung up on their ex-girlfriend. 

Since you already confronted your s/o without any real progress, I'd say, it's time to leave this person behind. They are not 100% committed to you b/c they miss their ex. They are not emotionally available to you. So, if you choose to stay with this person, know that they are not really as invested in this connection as you seem to be. 

[Marc878]

Many fall into the trap of I loge them so they must love me too. Nope, it doesn’t work like that.

His actions say different.  Words are meaningless.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry to read this, SarrahStone. But, I have to agree with the other posters. I do think the person you love may try to convince you otherwise and hate to see you fall for it.

[Alpacalia]

Sorry OP, that must be really hurtful.

What are you going to do?

[BaileyB]

Be glad you learned this at six months, not two years...
Now, you can plan accordingly.

[MRSR31]

"I was weak" ? I would say his feelings for you are weak. And since he describes himself as weak he admits attraction and a failure to resist. Did she text back? Now she is in your relationship because her behavior will have impact. You didn't mention what the ex wants. We know he was trying to get things going with her. Why didn't he? A lot of thinking precedes an act. When was he doing all this thinking about another woman? I would be done on the spot. Done. 

[mark clemson]

Reality is that there is a small % of folks out there who would drop their partner if "that one that got away" were to come back into their life. Not common, but definitely out there.

It seems you have run into one of those, unfortunately. You may feel emotionally attached, but I would suggest recognizing the situation for what it is, and acting accordingly. You have my sympathies, as no doubt this situation can't be easy for you.

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, SarrahStone said:

...recently I found out, through an outsider, that my significant other had been messaging their ex. Saying that they missed her. I was shown screenshots, so I know that it's true. My heart shattered, and impulsively I proceeded with a confrontation. My s/o's explanation? "I was weak." 

Sarrah, I am so sorry to have to say this, but their response "I was weak" was your cue to politely excuse yourself, wish them well, and walk away for good.

She/he was "weak" because they are still in love with their ex.  There is simply no other explanation.

Harsh truth, again so sorry. 

Edited February 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I can feel your confusion, disappointment and dread at the thought of losing someone you are thinking as the one.

But the truth is they can only be the one if they are 100% invested and will stick around.  
I caution you against thinking about the potential (projecting the future to avoid confronting the problems of today).  And bring your focus on his actions today and its impact on you.

You want to feel special and you want to feel that he thinks you are the only one for him.  That is security in knowing that he is into you like you are into him.  

He has broken your trust.  Trust once broken is very hard to get back.  
 

I would distance myself from him and make him do the work to get you “back”, to earn your trust again.  Anything short of high effort on his part will make you question the relationship at every turn like a subtle depression that eats at you.

If you love someone you have to set them free. If they come back then it was meat to be.  If they are gone then at least you know...sooner rather than years later.

I am not saying dump him, but he may need more single time to get over his ex.  You did not mention how long he has been broken up.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, SarrahStone said:

 I don't want to lose them, or what we had. 

What you had was an illusion, Sarrah. 

You thought you two were building a wonderful relationship and falling in love. However, this person is holding out hope for their ex and does not have the same feelings you do. There is no way they'd be messaging the ex like that otherwise. 

I'm sorry. You're the rebound. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The relationship is over.  The only question is whether you see and cut your losses, or whether you  delay and face greater prolonged pain and insecurity.

 

 

[smackie9]

This is why I say, you can't possibly know someone in 6 months to know they are the one to have a future with etc. You are infatuated, and ya that makes all practical thinking go out the window. We are trying to get you back down to earth...so you can see the reality of this. There is no going back, or getting it back to the way it was. You were a rebound. The way he has treated you when you confronted him, was cruel and lacked any empathy for you. He showed his true colors...he is a selfish jerk.

[Watercolors]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The way he has treated you when you confronted him, was cruel and lacked any empathy for you. He showed his true colors...he is a selfish jerk.

^This 100%. Let me also add this piece of advice: when someone shows you who they are...believe them. 

On 2/10/2021 at 10:43 AM, SarrahStone said:

My heart shattered, and impulsively I proceeded with a confrontation.

There is no reason for you to believe that he cares about your feelings either, based on how he's behaved. 

The lesson here for you is: Casual sex rarely (if ever) with a guy off a dating app, ever leads to a real romantic relationship. 

 

[kendahke]

Is "they/them" he or she? You never pinned down if this is a guy or a girl.

Either way, what you thought you had with him/her is not what he/she thinks they had with you.  There is someone else in his/her head taking up intimate space in an area you're not allowed in.

Focus on "what is". Stop investing in "what you wished would be".

What is: they miss their ex.. which means they're not over them if they're telling them this repeatedly.

Edited February 13, 2021 by kendahke