Gaeta Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 (edited) No, They are exclusive but his dead line for an officiel title is 6 months. Because at 6 months he will escalate the relationship to proposal - marriage. So OP, you like this guy, he's exclusive, he wants marriage, wait the 2 months and see what happens when you reach 6 months. Two more months isn't the death of you. When 6 months rolls by and he wants to make official, maybe even propose then put your cards on the table and tell him YOU also take this commitment seriously that's why you're requiring him to stop following the hotties online. Edited February 10, 2021 by Gaeta 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 20 minutes ago, Jamier said: Very confused, and been practicing not to think to much into it and go with the flow "Not thinking too much" and "going with the flow" only benefits him, not you. 25 minutes ago, poppyfields said: We simply have a different way of conducting serious committed relationships. Again more permissive, less restrictive, allowing each other the freedom to choose without feeling we are causing insecurity or giving our partner reason to wonder or doubt. I never restrict what a man does. I simply evaluate how I feel about what he does, then choose to stay with him or leave based on that. I've never told a man not to have opposite-sex friends. I just naturally attract the kind of man who operates that way, and they always appreciate that I have the same mindset. 6
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 it's a matter of opinion. If she finds this inappropriate then she has every right to feel that way. How to deal with it? Accept it, or not and stop seeing him. Those are the choices. 2
FMW Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 (edited) @Jamier , as has been touched on by others, dating is a time to figure out if you are compatible and want the same things from a relationship. You said you had the exclusive talk but I'm not clear if you both agreed that you are exclusive or not, your wording wasn't clear to me. That's a separate thing from placing a title on it, so not being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean you aren't exclusive. I think 4 months is still pretty early in a relationship for most things, but not being exclusive - meaning neither of you are seeing other people. Is that the case? If not, then I would agree there's a problem. But if you ARE exclusive and he's just not ready to commit further right now, I don't see a big problem. I think it's reasonable to wait a few more months and have a few more experiences that lead to getting to know each other better, all part of figuring out if you're compatible. 42 minutes ago, Jamier said: although he did seem to get a little annoyed with me that I was asking questions about her and obviously digging for information I don't think he should have been expected to ask you about his roommate decisions, but I do think that being annoyed about your questions is a problem (unless your tone of voice or attitude was judgmental or accusatory). You should be able to ask each other questions about your life - and who you live with is a big part of your life. As you can see there are widely differing opinions about what you've written. It's good to open yourself up to hearing those opinions, but only you can figure out what works for you. And then you decide if HE works for you. Edited February 10, 2021 by FMW 3
amygirl908 Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: My daughter had male room-mates up to mid 20s. Actually she preferred male room-mates because she hated the drama of a bunch of women room-mates. So much easier to live with men TBH!! So much less drama. 55 minutes ago, Jamier said: We first had a talk about exclusivity which I accepted and moved forward. About a month ago I brought up with him that I wanted to be official and he said he was still not ready as he was taking his time getting to know me and was more looking at about a six month time frame... he said the next person he is with he wants to marry and it be it. No more wasting time with dating. He’s almost 33 I’m 28. We did have a big fight about this because I don’t really agree with how long it takes to know. Especially because on my end I’ve obviously made up my mind I want to be with him and we were texting (oops) and things were said that I guess were taken the wrong way. After a few days of back and forth I agreed to not bring it up again and give him the time he wishes... What does he think.... 6 months - 4 months + 27 days and 13 weeks = Marriage??? This isn't some kind of absolute formula relationships are about feelings not time. If he's deferring to a timeline he either a) hasn't developed the feelings enough yet and is using a timeline to deflect or b) has no idea how relationships actually work and if he's just waiting for a certain date to pass he will not be any more enlightened. Yes it's true you shouldn't rush into commitment with people but 4 months is certainly a reasonable timeline. 30 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: "Not thinking too much" and "going with the flow" only benefits him, not you. ^ this is so true and in my experience you are likely never to get up on the same page about this. OP I would proceed with caution I'm seeing some flags here that would bother me and behavior that is non committal and not relationship material. Edited February 10, 2021 by amygirl908 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 (edited) I was not aware of the hierarchy of these titled R categories. When I'm dating a guy regularly for more then a very few dates (kissing with high energy and pushing for sex, not that it's happening), no matter what he calls it if I find out he's dating other women I step aside immediately. I would expect this from the type of men I date also. This has happened only one time where a guy I was dating has done this and I immediately broke off the R, very low key and graciously. We just weren't a match. Edited February 10, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease
Wiseman2 Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Jamier said: About a month ago I brought up with him that I wanted to be official and he said he was still not ready as he was taking his time getting to know me and was more looking at about a six month time frame... he said the next person he is with he wants to marry and it be it. with the flow Sorry this is happening. A lot of string-along talk. The longer you agree to this one-sided arrangement, the more headaches and heartaches you'll have when "the next person he is with he wants to marry". Now add to this how awkward it will be visiting him as he babysits while her BF is away. Edited February 10, 2021 by Wiseman2 3
Author Jamier Posted February 10, 2021 Author Posted February 10, 2021 Just to clear up we have definitely both agreed we are not talking or seeing other people. We both have no dating sites and he’s said the only person he’s interested in and is talking to is me. “He wouldn’t risk losing me by talking to others on the side”. So yes to being exclusive. Just not calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend 2 2
dramafreezone Posted February 11, 2021 Posted February 11, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, Jamier said: The guy I’ve been dating for four months is getting a female housemate. I knew he posted an ad looking for one but today told me they are coming around to have a look. When I asked if it was a girl or guy, he said it was a girl he used to be good friends with and that she had posted something on social media saying she was in need of a new place to live. I’m not too sure how I feel about this. Mainly because I know if the situation were reversed, I’m almost certain that he would have a problem with a guy living with me. And I feel going forward I’m going to be a little jealous of the time they’ll spend together, and when I’m not there, potentially wondering what they’re up to. I am unsure of their history or if she’s single herself because I wanted to get a few opinions before I see him and talk about it face to face. We aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend but basically act like it and have definitely had the whole exclusivity talk. We are just talking things slow. I do trust him but doesn’t mean I trust her. I have been lied to and cheated on before so obviously my own insecurities are coming into play. We both own our own places and it’s way too soon for us to live together so that’s why hes not asked me. But he’s wanting a housemate for extra financial support. Any advice would be greatly appreciated x You haven't even staked your claim? You don't really have a leg to stand on here until you do. What's the situation with the roomate? Is she attractive? Does she have a boyfriend? Edited February 11, 2021 by dramafreezone
poppyfields Posted February 11, 2021 Posted February 11, 2021 7 hours ago, smackie9 said: How to deal with it? Accept it, or not and stop seeing him. Those are the choices. Wholeheartedly agree smackie, it's really that easy. 1
Acacia98 Posted February 11, 2021 Posted February 11, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, poppyfields said: Gaeta, your thought process is not why you were cheated on. I agree with you, a man who lacks the mortal integrity to remain faithful and cheat, does not need to find a female roommate to do so. Something like this, I am a bit shocked at the responses; automatically jumping to the guy is up to no good, that it's a red flag, making all sorts of assumptions that he has no intention to move the relationship forward, etc. Great points. I'm one of those women who's had male housemates. And there wasn't the remotest hint of anything romantic. We had our separate lives and paid bills as arranged and respected each other. It all worked out pretty well. And I've also had disastrous housemate situations (all involving fellow women). I also know what it's like to live in a city where it's hard to find a place you can afford on your own. That's why I find it easy to give OP's guy the benefit of the doubt. At the same time (and I think this is where the challenge lies), I don't want to dismiss OP's discomfort. Like you, I've found myself reading through the responses and wondering what's appropriate and what isn't. Ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that it depends on the individual and the relationship. Personally, though, I wouldn't feel comfortable telling a guy that I couldn't even call my boyfriend what decisions he should make about his living situation or finances. I'd just observe, and if I felt uncomfortable, I would leave. If he were my boyfriend and we had good communication, I would be honest with him about my discomfort but let him decide what he wanted to do. It wouldn't be my place to dictate terms to him. But once again, if I felt uncomfortable about the dynamic between him and his roommate, I would leave. I do agree with the person who says it would look bad if a boyfriend/girlfriend made this kind of decision without even having a conversation about it with his/her significant other. I wouldn't want to date that type of person. I'd want to date someone who had the capacity to recognize that this kind of situation could cause discomfort and who was considerate enough to check in with me and find out how I felt before they made the decision. Edited February 11, 2021 by Acacia98 2
Acacia98 Posted February 11, 2021 Posted February 11, 2021 12 hours ago, Jamier said: Just to clear up we have definitely both agreed we are not talking or seeing other people. We both have no dating sites and he’s said the only person he’s interested in and is talking to is me. “He wouldn’t risk losing me by talking to others on the side”. So yes to being exclusive. Just not calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend I have to confess, I have no idea what exactly it means when two people are dating exclusively and are more than FWBs (I assume) but do not call each other girlfriend/boyfriend. What exactly distinguishes what you guys have from a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? Is it a "secret" relationship? Do you do everything that boyfriends and girlfriends do apart from meeting each other's friends and families and announcing it on social media? And how exactly do you transition from something nameless to a proposal and marriage? Sounds very unusual to me. I'm not a fan of the vagueness of your relationship status. I don't like the fact that he seems resentful when you ask questions about your relationship status or his new roommate. I think a relationship-minded person who understood how healthy relationships worked would put a greater premium on open communication with you about these and other matters. If you're up to waiting until the 6-month milestone to see what happens, go for it. But do keep your eyes and ears open. Take note of any character traits that make you uncomfortable. Get a sense of whether this is someone you see yourself making a happy life with in the long term. 3
SumGuy Posted February 11, 2021 Posted February 11, 2021 On 2/10/2021 at 1:27 AM, Jamier said: .... I’m not too sure how I feel about this. Mainly because I know if the situation were reversed, I’m almost certain that he would have a problem with a guy living with me. And I feel going forward I’m going to be a little jealous of the time they’ll spend together, and when I’m not there, potentially wondering what they’re up to. I am unsure of their history or if she’s single herself because I wanted to get a few opinions before I see him and talk about it face to face. .... Anything can happen certainly, but can say myself in the day generally preferred female room mates to men as I like to keep things clean. Not sure this is much different than dating someone who lives in a co-ed dorm. As you mention, it seems way to early to start telling him how to live his life if you are not willing to share it. I personally think these living situations don't turn into romantic ones unless the person is already a cheater and/or the relationship is not good. The bolded above made me think of this... "She was living in a single room with three other individuals. One of them was male and the other two; Well, the other two were females. God only knows what they were up to in there. And further more Susan, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn, That all four of them habitually smoked marajuana cigarettes... Reefers!"
mortensorchid Posted February 12, 2021 Posted February 12, 2021 I don't know how I would feel with this situation. It would be pretty strange if he let a complete stranger (man or woman) live with him that they found by answering ads. The fact that they knew each other before as well doesn't make me feel great about this. My only suggestion is that if you trust him / her that they will be living together as roommates, then great. Trust them.
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