The guy I'm dating is getting a female housemate

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I myself would not be in a non exclusive relationship at 4 months.

They are exclusive she said. They don't have the title gf/bf yet.

 

[trident_2020]

A female roommate could be completely innocuous especially if she's unattractive but there's always the chance of something happening.

I'm with my girlfriend 9 years, and she was considering letting a male colleague stay with us for a month or so until he found his own place, he's in between moves.

I try to be openminded and I'm not the jealous type but after thinking about it I told her I wasn't comfortable with it and she reassured me it won't happen.

Your mileage may vary.

[Gaeta]

Just now, trident_2020 said:

she was considering letting a male colleague stay with us for a month or so

You live together so of course your input on the matter counts. 

[Calmandfocused]

Yes, 2 red flags screaming at you in the face here Op. ignore them at your peril! 
 

I’m wondering whether you’ve allowed this boundary to develop - that he just does and calls you what he wants and you just accept it? If so, you need to do something about that boundary and make it clear how you wish to be treated. More to the point; be clear about behaviour you will/ will not accept. 
 

Any decision that affects another person should at least be discussed with them IMO. It’s about human decency, consideration and respect, not about a label. 
 

If you had a housemate, you wouldn’t get a dog without considering the views of your housemate first would you? Why? Because that decision affects them. 
 

Getting a female housemate affects the op. No matter what her label is, she is a part of this man’s life, and will be affected by this decision. 
 

However personally Op I wouldn’t stick around. Too much drama for someone who won’t even consider himself your boyfriend. 
 

 

 

 

[trident_2020]

I know it's a different situation but I get the whole discomfort idea.

 

[poppyfields]

I find it interesting that some folks believe that because they've only been dating four months, and they are not technically boyfriend/girlfriend, she has no say in the issue.

IMO, does our partner, even a long term partner, ever have a say in issues like this?   I mean if my boyfriend (if I had one) needed a roommate and after vetting he found a responsible female to share, or if she was a long time friend, I don’t believe it would ever be my right to tell or ask him not to.

Why would I?  Because him having a female roommate would make ME feel uncomfortable and insecure?  Those are my issues to deal with, not his, he has the right to room with whomever he likes.  If I don’t like it, I have the right to leave.

Am I wrong about this?  Serious question because maybe my thought process about this is why I suck at relationships.

I recall years ago after I split with my previous long term ex, I began dating a man and had the opportunity to share a beautiful apartment with a man; it would save me about $700 per month, and the man I was dating had all sorts of fits about it.  And the man I would be rooming with was gay!

He didn’t care, he still didn’t think it was appropriate.

I did not last with that man very long, I found him too controlling and the relationship stifling.

But now reading this thread and the responses, I wonder what IS appropriate, and again perhaps the reason I suck at long term relationships.

To the OP, I am wondering if when you first met and began dating, he told you his roommate was female, how would you have felt about that, or handled that?  Would you have dumped him?

Around my neck of the woods, it's fairly standard; the city I live in is extremely expensive, and no one cares if their roommate is male or female, as long as they are responsible, pay their rent on time, are clean and relatively quiet.

I suppose if this were me, I would say nothing, but observe and if after she moves in, things seem weird between them and you sense something is going on more than roomies, I would end the relationship.

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

maybe my thought process about this is why I suck at relationships.

Maybe my thought process about this is why I get cheated on.

But, after what I have been through, I know a man that wants to cheat doesn't need a female room-mate to do it.

[introverted1]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I find it interesting that some folks believe that because they've only been dating four months, and they are not technically boyfriend/girlfriend, she has no say in the issue.

IMO, does our partner, even a long term partner, ever have a say in issues like this?   I mean if my boyfriend (if I had one) needed a roommate and after vetting he found a responsible female to share, or if she was a long time friend, I don’t believe it would ever be my right to tell or ask him not to.

Why would I?  Because him having a female roommate would make ME feel uncomfortable and insecure?  Those are my issues to deal with, not his, he has the right to room with whomever he likes.  If I don’t like it, I have the right to leave.

Am I wrong about this?  Serious question because maybe my thought process about this is why I suck at relationships.

I recall years ago after I split with my previous long term ex, I began dating a man and had the opportunity to share a beautiful apartment with a man; it would save me about $700 per month, and the man I was dating had all sorts of fits about it.  And the man I would be rooming with was gay!

He didn’t care, he still didn’t think it was appropriate.

I did not last with that man very long, I found him too controlling and the relationship stifling.

But now reading this thread and the responses, I wonder what IS appropriate, and again perhaps the reason I suck at long term relationships.

To the OP, I am wondering if when you first met and began dating, he told you his roommate was female, how would you have felt about that, or handled that?  Would you have dumped him?

Around my neck of the woods, it's fairly standard; the city I live in is extremely expensive, and no one cares if their roommate is male or female, as long as they are responsible, pay their rent on time, are clean and relatively quiet.

I suppose if this were me, I would say nothing, but observe and if after she moves in, things seem weird between them and you sense something is going on more than roomies, I would end the relationship.

I both agree and disagree.

In a purely objective sense, I agree that no one has the right to tell someone else how to live their life.  It doesn't matter whether that someone else is a bf/gf, nor how long the parties have been together, etc.  People have autonomy that they are free to express.

That said, in a healthy partnership, I think consideration for your partner is important.  I don't take actions that would upset my SO because part of my caring for him is manifested in not wanting to cause him distress. So, on the issue of roommates, this would be a discussion I would want to have with my SO. In turn, in a healthy partnership, I would hope that my SO could put aside his own insecurities/demons and focus on what was best for me.  In a nutshell:  I think relationships function better when each person is invested in the happiness of the other. Most of the time, this results in good decisions that advance happiness in the relationship. 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Maybe my thought process about this is why I get cheated on.

But, after what I have been through, I know a man that wants to cheat doesn't need a female room-mate to do it.

Gaeta, your thought process is not why you were cheated on.  I agree with you, a man who lacks the mortal integrity to remain faithful and cheat, does not need to find a female roommate to do so.

Something like this, I am a bit shocked at the responses; automatically jumping to the guy is up to no good, that it's a red flag, making all sorts of assumptions that he has no intention to move the relationship forward, etc.

He may not have any intention to move the relationship forward but it's not because he found a responsible female roommate to share his apartment.  IMO, the bigger red flag is that he is still unwilling to define the relationship, even as something as boyfriend/girlfriend after four months.

Forget the roommate issue and focus on that.  Like I said, in my neck of the woods, it's quite common to find a  male/female roommate situation.  In fact one of my good friends, who is now happily married to her long term boyfriend, shared an apartment with a guy the entire time she and her now-husband were dating.

He never had any issue with it at all.  Nor should he have imo.

Edited February 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

That said, in a healthy partnership, I think consideration for your partner is important.  I don't take actions that would upset my SO because part of my caring for him is manifested in not wanting to cause him distress. So, on the issue of roommates, this would be a discussion I would want to have with my SO. In turn, in a healthy partnership, I would hope that my SO could put aside his own insecurities/demons and focus on what was best for me.  In a nutshell:  I think relationships function better when each person is invested in the happiness of the other. Most of the time, this results in good decisions that advance happiness in the relationship. 

Bolded, what about her consideration for him?  In that he found a responsible roommate to share his flat with, which are not easy to come by.  So what that she is a woman?  If she trusts him, why should that be an issue?

I also believe relationships function better when each person is invested in the happiness of the other, which again includes the OP being invested in his happiness that he found someone responsible to share his flat with, which will save him money, allowing him to save for his future, perhaps even their future.  

His investment in her happiness would mean forfeiting that to alleviate her insecurities and trust issues which I don't believe is right or fair. 

If she doesn't trust him, then she needs to end the relationship, not impose unreasonable restrictions such as dictating who he should or should not share an apartment with.

Edited February 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 In fact one of my good friends, who is now happily married to her long term boyfriend, shared an apartment with a guy the entire time she and her now-husband were dating.

My daughter had male room-mates up to mid 20s. Actually she preferred male room-mates because she hated the drama of a bunch of women room-mates. 

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, what about her consideration for him?  In that he found a responsible roommate to share his flat with, which are not easy to come by.  So what that she is a woman?  If she trusts him, why should that be an issue?

 

Yes, they should EACH have consideration for the other.  This is why I said that I would expect my partner to put aside his insecurities when dealing with an issue. In the OP's case, this translates to her not being insecure about her non-bf's potential roommate unless there is more to the story than she has shared.

p.s. Poppy, I think we are in agreement!

Edited February 10, 2021 by introverted1

[Allupinnit]

How old are the two of you?

I think in our early 20's it's not a huge deal but a man over 30 living with a woman...?  I wouldn't like it, either.  

But, I think you already feel out of sorts because you also don't know where you stand with him.  

I'm just imagining coming back from a date and the hot roommate is on the couch LOL.  Hell no.  OP is she hot?

 

Edited February 10, 2021 by Allupinnit

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Yes, they should EACH have consideration for the other.  This is why I said that I would expect my partner to put aside his insecurities when dealing with an issue. In the OP's case, this translates to her not being insecure about her non-bf's potential roommate unless there is more to the story than she has shared.

p.s. Poppy, I think we are in agreement!

Sorry intro!  I got a bit wound up for sec and only skimmed your post.  My bad.

Yes it does appear we are in agreement, as per usual, again apologies!  

[Ruby Slippers]

What works for some won't work for others. I've always been focused on a serious long-term relationship with the potential for marriage. Every man I've gotten serious with has at least brought up a discussion of where things were going somewhere around 3 to 6 months, including the logistics of how we'd more closely intertwine our lives in the future, including marriage and living together. Within a few months we were spending at least a few nights a week at each other's places, gradually spending more time together, discussing where we both stood on a general timeline for dating, engagement, and marriage. 

I've always dated men who don't even believe in having friends of the opposite sex, which is in line with my view, much less opposite-sex roommates.

Some people aren't anywhere in this ballpark and are fine casually dating forever. But I don't think that's the OP. She's already worrying about how this will impact her sense of security with him.

A man on the same page as her wouldn't put her in that situation. He'd want to make sure he wasn't giving her any reason to wonder or doubt. He's not doing that, which tells me he doesn't care that much about the future of their relationship. Also supporting that idea is that he's not even referring to her as his girlfriend after 4 months. This is why I'd bail. The foundation is shaky at best, so for me it would feel like wasting precious time.

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Also supporting that idea is that he's not even referring to her as his girlfriend after 4 months. This is why I'd bail. The foundation is shaky at best, so for me it would feel like wasting precious time.

This is the elephant in the room, imo.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

A man on the same page as her wouldn't put her in that situation. He'd want to make sure he wasn't giving her any reason to wonder or doubt. He's not doing that, which tells me he doesn't care that much about the future of their relationship. 

OR he simply does not know it's an issue for OP. If this guy has no issue with male/female room-mate and OP has never expressed her feeling on the matter how is he suppose know he's being inconsiderate toward her?

I agree 4 months no title is meh, but again, do they don't have a title because OP is afraid to bring it up? or he specifically said it's too soon for him. If she addresses it with him he might reply *of course we're gf/bf* who knows.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OR he simply does not know it's an issue for OP. If this guy has no issue with male/female room-mate and OP has never expressed her feeling on the matter how is he suppose know he's being inconsiderate toward her?

I agree 4 months no title is meh, but again, do they don't have a title because OP is afraid to bring it up? or he specifically said it's too soon for him. If she addresses it with him he might reply *of course we're gf/bf* who knows.

If he doesn't know this stuff, he's clueless. It's not her job to move the relationship forward and teach him how to be a good boyfriend. He's not doing it because that's not where his mind is at or he's just not capable. In my book, he's not cutting the mustard, which is why I'd bail. 

I'm guessing he'll have a very hard time finding a halfway decent woman to date while living with a female roommate.

Edited February 10, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I've always dated men who don't even believe in having friends of the opposite sex, which is in line with my view, much less opposite-sex roommates.

Some people aren't anywhere in this ballpark and are fine casually dating forever. But I don't think that's the OP. She's already worrying about how this will impact her sense of security with him.

A man on the same page as her wouldn't put her in that situation. He'd want to make sure he wasn't giving her any reason to wonder or doubt. He's not doing that, which tells me he doesn't care that much about the future of their relationship. Also supporting that idea is that he's not even referring to her as his girlfriend after 4 months. This is why I'd bail. The foundation is shaky at best, so for me it would feel like wasting precious time.

Ruby I respect your opinion about this, but just because I and some others are a bit more permissive and not uncomfortable with opposite sex roommates or friendships, does not mean we are "casually" dating forever.

We simply have a different way of conducting serious committed relationships. Again more permissive, less restrictive, allowing each other the freedom to choose without feeling we are causing insecurity or giving our partner reason to wonder or doubt.

I believe when there is a true connection of hearts and spirits and we trust each other, there should be no issue with allowing each other that freedom.  Not just with respect to roommates but anything really.   That doesn't mean we have no boundaries, only that we trust our partners to conduct themselves in a way that's best for the relationship based upon mutual values and beliefs.

Again it's doesn't mean it's more casual, just different from what you believe.

Edited February 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Jamier]

Thank you for everyone’s opinion.

Since my post we have had a small discussion about it vis text and phone.

I’ve since found out that she is interested in the place and she has a boyfriend. They currently live together but he is planning on working a way for a while so they can build a house. So it sounds short term either way.

I’ve kept my thoughts and feelings to myself about how I feel about it all because I do agree that I don’t have much say it in as I’m not actually his girlfriend... although he did seem to get a little annoyed with me that I was asking questions about her and obviously digging for information.. as if I was questioning if I can trust him or not.

I guess it would have been nice to been asked first but when we did have a chat he thought we did speak previously about him wanting to live with a girl over a guy because of them genuinely being cleaner, not likely to party, and would respect the house so it’s possible I gave him my approval about a female housemate without realising. Someone made a good point of them being someone he knows so he can instantly trust her instead of a stranger.

Those of you asking about why we aren’t official after four months... yeah that’s another issue hahah.

We first had a talk about exclusivity which I accepted and moved forward. About a month ago I brought up with him that I wanted to be official and he said he was still not ready as he was taking his time getting to know me and was more looking at about a six month time frame... he said the next person he is with he wants to marry and it be it. No more wasting time with dating. He’s almost 33 I’m 28.

We did have a big fight about this because I don’t really agree with how long it takes to know. Especially because on my end I’ve obviously made up my mind I want to be with him and we were texting (oops) and things were said that I guess were taken the wrong way. After a few days of back and forth I agreed to not bring it up again and give him the time he wishes... 

I believe I do get enough attention from him to know he has good intentions. I mean, he always texts me first, calls a couple of times a day. He comes over to mine as equally as I go to his- maybe a few times a week and we live an hour from each other. Compliments me. Stays over when it’s that time of month and we can’t be intimate. I’ve met some of his friends and his family aren’t really in the picture. 

I’ve had another red flag of the amount of women he follows on Instagram and sometimes likes their post... but again, not my business I guess. I purposely avoid this page to not think too much into this.

all that being said.. I’m half convinced that this is all heading in the right direction with time, but because I can’t get the label.. I’m a little suspicious still. 

.. basically not sure what to do or certain how I feel. Very confused, and been practicing not to think to much into it and go with the flow

Edited February 10, 2021 by Jamier

[d0nnivain]

6 minutes ago, Jamier said:

. I’m half convinced that this is all heading in the right direction with time, but because I can’t get the label.. I’m a little suspicious still. 

There is enough to be suspicious about.  This roommate may not be the hill to die on but the straw pile seems to be growing so do proceed with caution.  Eventually one of those straws may be the deal breaker 

[trident_2020]

10 minutes ago, Jamier said:

 he said the next person he is with he wants to marry and it be it.

What does this even mean? How can he predict he'll marry the next person? Aren't you the next person?

As far as the big fight goes, the two of you are in different places. 4 months is more than enough time by most people's standards to be exclusive, that fits your timeline but for him it's taboo and you can't even talk about it? Throw in the girls he follows on social media and there are some serious issues here.

 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

They are exclusive she said. They don't have the title gf/bf yet.

 

If he can do whatever he wants and she has no say in the manner as everyone is saying, then that isn't being exclusive.

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If he can do whatever he wants and she has no say in the manner as everyone is saying, then that isn't being exclusive.

Exclusivity means only dating each other.  That has nothing to do with his platonic living arrangements.  

[trident_2020]

From what she wrote, they had the exclusivity talk but he wasn't ready and she's not allowed to talk about it after they had a big fight but his timeline for exclusivity is at 6 months.