The guy I'm dating is getting a female housemate

[Jamier]

The guy I’ve been dating for four months is getting a female housemate. 
 

I knew he posted an ad looking for one but today told me they are coming around to have a look. When I asked if it was a girl or guy, he said it was a girl he used to be good friends with and that she had posted something on social media saying she was in need of a new place to live.

I’m not too sure how I feel about this. Mainly because I know if the situation were reversed, I’m almost certain that he would have a problem with a guy living with me. And I feel going forward I’m going to be a little jealous of the time they’ll spend together, and when I’m not there, potentially wondering what they’re up to. I am unsure of their history or if she’s single herself because I wanted to get a few opinions before I see him and talk about it face to face. 

We aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend but basically act like it and have definitely had the whole exclusivity talk. We are just talking things slow. I do trust him but doesn’t mean I trust her. I have been lied to and cheated on before so obviously my own insecurities are coming into play.

We both own our own places and it’s way too soon for us to live together so that’s why hes not asked me. But he’s wanting a housemate for extra financial support.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated 

 

x

[Acacia98]

What can you do beyond allowing him to live his life and observing if her moving in affects the way he relates to you?

You're dating, you're getting to know each other and figuring out if you're right for each other. You don't even call him your boyfriend. So just observe his behavior over time. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. 16 weeks dating is a good time to observe deal breakers, red flags and incompatibilities.

Will it be just him and his friend in the house?  Step way back from this.

Why can't he afford the place on his own? Was it a complete coincidence that he just happens to need a roommate when his female friend just happens to need a place?

They may not be romantic or sexual, but the situation is awkward for sure. He'll have to camp out at your place for sex and privacy

Then he'll go home to his friend?

Cut your losses. Either he suddenly can't afford where he lives...or he just wants a female roommate.

[d0nnivain]

If you aren't officially BF/GF you don't get a say.  He needs help paying the rent & her money is just as good as anybody else's 

Still because this is upsetting to you, it's best if you get your fears out in the open.  Don't set it up as an ultimatum.  Rather, express your concerns & ask him how you two can work together to quell them.  This new housemate is a long time friend so odds are it will be OK; if they were going to hook up it would have already happened.  

If he wigs out on you or starts to gaslight you, just end things.  Do keep your eyes & ears open but try to be OK.  If you really can't handle this arrangement, you need to get a new BF

Edited February 10, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Miss Spider]

I agree with others who say to dismiss him. At this point, there’s no point in having a conversation with him about it IMO. Shouldn’t have to have a discussion with an adult man about why this is iffy. There’s no point. Not saying he’s doing anything universally wrong, but I wouldn’t be compatible with someone like that 

Edited February 10, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Oops

Edited February 10, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[StrongHands]

Since  you are not TOGETHER, I would venture to say that you don't have much say in this.  I will also say it's somewhat "sketch" and probably not an ideal situation for you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'd tell him it's not an arrangement I'm comfortable with and would bow out at that point.

It seems to me if he was a considerate person and interested in a long term serious R with you he'd be asking your opinion about this rather than making arrangements with her and letting you know about it after the fact. At the very least his judgement is lacking, IMO.

[Miss Spider]

Very lacking 

Edited February 10, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

It seems to me if he was a considerate person and interested in a long term serious R with you he'd be asking your opinion about this rather than making arrangements with her and letting you know about it after the fact. At the very least his judgement is lacking, IMO.

They have been dating for 4 months.  He hasn't even formalized their relationship or made it exclusive.  Why on earth should he get her input about his living arrangements & finances under those casual circumstances?  

@Jamier  there may be a bigger disconnect here than the identity & gender of his new roommate.  Are you sure you know where you even stand?  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

7 hours ago, Jamier said:

We aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend

I was on your side until I read this part. After 4 months, why aren’t you his girlfriend? By not being his girlfriend, you don’t have a leg to stand on regarding this roommate situation. The guy you’re dating can do what he wants in his personal life, regardless of how you may or may not feel about it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

They have been dating for 4 months.  He hasn't even formalized their relationship or made it exclusive.  Why on earth should he get her input about his living arrangements & finances under those casual circumstances?  

@Jamier  there may be a bigger disconnect here than the identity & gender of his new roommate.  Are you sure you know where you even stand?  

For me, dating is a time to watch for similarities in lifestyles, values, opinions, etc., and to expect to build on the R for long term. I wouldn't want to date someone who wasn't doing the same. That said, taking each other into consideration when making major decisions (who the person is living with is major, IMO) is to me, an indication of how the R will proceed. So I watch for signs the person is doing that.

By the time I've dated someone four months I have an idea whether or not I would spend long term with them and I would expect the same from the person. I would want to be establishing habits that would carry over into the future with such a person, someone who cares what I think about major decisions.

I've never formalized a relationship or had a guy formalize it with me until we got engaged. Never had the exclusive talk. I mention that not to t/j but it's my perspective on R's. So, yes, to me it seems inconsiderate not to get the opinion of someone you've been dating for four months, about having a person of the opposite sex move into your home.

 

[ShyViolet]

Since you've only been dating him 4 months and you "aren't officially BF and GF", it's not your place to try and change this or tell him he shouldn't do it.  You can either accept it, or stop dating him if you really don't trust him.  Maybe it is a truly platonic friend.  That does happen.

If you feel in your gut that they are not just platonic friends, then you are free to walk away and stop dating him.

[d0nnivain]

@LivingWaterPlease  I understand what you are saying.  It makes sense but it hasn't been my experience.  Short of a year together after officially having the talk & confirming an exclusive relationship, I would not expect to be consulted regarding a SOs living arrangements no more than I would expect to be consulted on financial matters, job changes, school selection etc.  In a good relationship SOs should want & value their partner's input but early on it's not mandatory. I certainly don't tell my husband every time I send out a resume but I would talk to him before I accepted a new job.  Unless that new position involved moving his opinion would not solely carry the day.  

[LivingWaterPlease]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

@LivingWaterPlease  I understand what you are saying.  It makes sense but it hasn't been my experience.  Short of a year together after officially having the talk & confirming an exclusive relationship, I would not expect to be consulted regarding a SOs living arrangements no more than I would expect to be consulted on financial matters, job changes, school selection etc.  In a good relationship SOs should want & value their partner's input but early on it's not mandatory. I certainly don't tell my husband every time I send out a resume but I would talk to him before I accepted a new job.  Unless that new position involved moving his opinion would not solely carry the day.  

I just canceled my edit about finances because I was concerned about t/j. To make it quick, if the guy I'm dating 4 months was going to involve my money in a decision, I'd want him to consult me first. Likewise, to me, when making a decision to live with a woman who is not a relative he is taking an action that would (not, could, would; because it would make me uncomfortable which affects my emotions) involve my heart.

So, yes, if he's going to affect my heart now he needs to check with me first. If he's going to affect my pocketbook now, same.

 

 

 

Edited February 10, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Jamier said:

I have been lied to and cheated on before so obviously my own insecurities are coming into play.

This may not be the healthiest relationship for you then, given his housing arrangements, and insecurities that developed as a result of past events.

[Gaeta]

He knows women make better room-mates then guys. He knows her so she is safe to have under his roof, he knows she'll clean after herself, she won't steal from him, he knows she'll pay her rent on time. It's a business decision for him. Better have a room-mate he knows and trust then giving a key to his house to a stranger and god know how many strangers he'll have to give his key to before he'll find a respectful room-mate. He owns his home, he has a high interest in finding someone honest with integrity, and he knows she has it 

At 4 months and not bf/gf you have no saying. You observe and if he turns into a fishy boyfriend you drop him. Let him show you who he is. 

At 2 year dating I did not ask my ex if he agreed I take under my roof a 14 year old child. That child was dear to my heart and if I didn't take her in she was on her way to enter the child protection system and be moved around families till 18. My ex adapted even came to call her 'our' daughter. Then when I found out he was a lying cheater imagine how I was happy I didn't refuse my foster-daughter in the name of our relationship!!  What I am saying is OP's boyfriend has to make his own decisions, he's just dating OP, for all he knows this relationship will be over and done with next week. Then he'll be out of a good room-mate. 

Edited February 10, 2021 by Gaeta

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He knows women make better room-mates then guys. He knows her so she is safe to have under his roof, he knows she'll clean after herself, she won't steal from him, he knows she'll pay her rent on time. It's a business decision for him. Better have a room-mate he knows and trust then giving a key to his house to a stranger and god know how many strangers he'll have to give his key to before he'll find a respectful room-mate. He owns his home, he has a high interest in finding someone honest with integrity, and he knows she has it 

At 4 months and not bf/gf you have no saying. You observe and if he turns into a fishy boyfriend you drop him. Let him show you who he is. 

At 2 year dating I did not ask my ex if he agreed I take under my roof a 14 year old child. That child was dear to my heart and if I didn't take her in she was on her way to enter the child protection system and be moved around families till 18. My ex adapted even came to call her 'our' daughter. Then when I found out he was a lying cheater imagine how I was happy I didn't refuse my foster-daughter in the name of our relationship!!  What I am saying is OP's boyfriend has to make his own decisions, he's just dating OP, for all he knows this relationship will be over and done with next week. Then he'll be out of a good room-mate. 

I get it and agree that he has to make his own decisions based on criteria that he prioritizes. That's why I wouldn't go to him and try to talk him out of it.The conversation would be gracious and low key, just that we see things differently. Not about that he shouldn't move in with the friend.

If, when I told him the reason, he thought about it and reconsidered asking me to stay in the R I'd reconsider breaking up. But,  I would not break up to try to manipulate him into changing his mind.

I'd be looking for someone who was demonstrating at the four-month point marker of our R that he would talk things over with me that would affect my emotions before making a decision. And I'd do the same with him.

I like to talk over everything when I'm in a R and am looking for the same in someone I date because as I'm dating I'm observing how the person I'm dating deals with issues, handles life, etc. I believe those things affect how we would mesh together longer term and I don't want to alter the principles of behavior patterns once we're engaged or married.

I realize some see things differently and it wouldn't bother them so that's fine if it suits someone who's OK with it. It's bothering OP and would bother me, too.

 

 

[amygirl908]

9 hours ago, Jamier said:

The guy I’ve been dating for four months is getting a female housemate. 

I knew he posted an ad looking for one but today told me they are coming around to have a look. When I asked if it was a girl or guy, he said it was a girl he used to be good friends with and that she had posted something on social media saying she was in need of a new place to live.

I’m not too sure how I feel about this. Mainly because I know if the situation were reversed, I’m almost certain that he would have a problem with a guy living with me. And I feel going forward I’m going to be a little jealous of the time they’ll spend together, and when I’m not there, potentially wondering what they’re up to. I am unsure of their history or if she’s single herself because I wanted to get a few opinions before I see him and talk about it face to face. 

We aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend but basically act like it and have definitely had the whole exclusivity talk. We are just talking things slow. I do trust him but doesn’t mean I trust her. I have been lied to and cheated on before so obviously my own insecurities are coming into play.

We both own our own places and it’s way too soon for us to live together so that’s why hes not asked me. But he’s wanting a housemate for extra financial support.

As a female who lived with three men I can understand how uncomfortable that can make people. Once the guys I were dating came over and saw the dynamic between us it was a non-issue. There was no romantic behavior going on at all. So I agree with @Acacia98 watch how they interact with each other before you make a decision about this arrangement.

I did notice though there we a couple other things you mention that would bother me:

Mainly because I know if the situation were reversed, I’m almost certain that he would have a problem with a guy living with me. This double standard crap is BS. It's unfair and manipulative. I dated a guy who would get mad at me for hanging out with other guys but he could do whatever he wanted and I wasn't allowed to have a say, but god forbid I go anywhere another male might be . If your statement is true that's a bit of a red flag and I would keep an eye on this. Behavior standards should be equal across the board.

This is a personal preference but if at 4 months he isn't willing to commit to being your boyfriend that's a red flag to me given the combination of all the other components. Guys who want to "go slow" or "wait and see how things go" are generally trying to keep their options open. They might not be doing anything wrong per say but they're not fully committed either - at least in my experience.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd also bow out. Beyond college I've managed not to need to have a roommate to get by, and the least I'd expect from a potential long-term partner is the same. I'm not interested whatsoever in dating men with roommates, certainly not female ones.

Edited February 10, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[LivingWaterPlease]

42 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He knows women make better room-mates then guys...

Gaeta, I tried to go back and delete my response to your post because I realize I wasn't adding anything new to the convo but just restating my opinion. But by the time I'd worked on the post it was too late to delete it.

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, Jamier said:

I’m not too sure how I feel about this. Mainly because I know if the situation were reversed, I’m almost certain that he would have a problem with a guy living with me.

So you assume it would bother him. Why not ask him and see how he would actually feel about it?

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He knows her so she is safe to have under his roof, he knows she'll clean after herself, she won't steal from him, he knows she'll pay her rent on time. It's a business decision for him. Better have a room-mate he knows and trust then giving a key to his house to a stranger and god know how many strangers he'll have to give his key to before he'll find a respectful room-mate. He owns his home, he has a high interest in finding someone honest with integrity, and he knows she has it 

But these are just assumptions, she may be a terrible person in reality and will make an awful housemate, but she is hot as all that and he fancies his chances...
Who knows?
OP,
No label and now a female housemate... He is trying to tell you something.
No man with a brain who valued his current partner would risk losing her over this.
Here, he is willing to take that risk and expects you to just accept it. 
You can't tell him what to do but you are free to make judgements and make choices that protect your own sense of well being.
 

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, Jamier said:

they are coming around to have a look. 

 be a little jealous of the time they’ll spend together 

I do trust him but doesn’t mean I trust her. 

We both own our own places 

They are coming around? So she has a boyfriend? who's visiting with her?

Why do you assume they'll be spending time together? Does he own a house or condo? Houses are big. Room-mates sometimes have their bedroom on a different floor with their own bathroom. They both have lives, work, friends, gf/bf,  I don't know why you assume they'll be spending time together. 

You trust him? so there's no problem. SHE is not your problem. She can come onto him all she wants there is no problem because YOU trust HIM, right? You don't need to trust her.

[smackie9]

I myself would not be in a non exclusive relationship at 4 months. IMO no matter how coupley you are, it's still casual dating and you are having a misconception of what your status is.

I think THAT and the fact he's getting a female roommate says to you it's not going to go any further commitment wise. And yup probably so. Him getting a female roommate is a step backwards.

Edited February 10, 2021 by smackie9