EAM19 Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 I feel like I have no control over this situation. This boy that I invited round for a hookup ended up staying the whole night and we spoke so much getting to know one another (a week and half ago), after that we chatted every day, making loads of conversation. A week after the first time we saw each other again, we did hookup (as expected) and also spent hours talking and he didn't want to leave in the morning and was wanting to stay but I had things to do. He then messaged me first a day after and so I replied, and then his messages went bad. He only sent 2 other messages after that both a day apart (we had both been drinking that weekend so my replies to these were late as well). The last thing he sent me was on Saturday night and it was 2 messages so I replied. Since then he has viewed my stories, liked my recent post and posted on his Instagram. But hasn't even opened my last message to read it. I want to hookup again because its really good, I do think I have a little crush on him also but its mostly just the hookup. But right now I'm confused. Why would he message me first just to not even open my message for 2 days? It makes me feel like I'm being purposefully ignored and he wants nothing to do with me. Obviously I don't know what he's thinking. Friends seem to think he will message again because we do have a good time together. And I am fine with only messaging every now and then and seeing each other in person but the inconsistency has shocked me a bit and makes me think something has gone wrong 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, EAM19 said: Friends seem to think he will message again because we do have a good time together. And I am fine with only messaging every now and then and seeing each other in person but the inconsistency has shocked me a bit and makes me think something has gone wrong Why has it shocked you? It seems you don't know this guy, so you can't really even establish what his baseline consistent behaviour is. Did you know him prior to inviting him over? I think you are getting way ahead of yourself here. You invited him over for a hook-up; no shame in that, but you have to keep your expectations in check. Talking for hours after is not necessarily an indication of something deeper, other than you two can have good conversations. It doesn't mean much more than that, at this stage. It also shouldn't surprise you that he doesn't want to keep chatting all the time - this is what casual sex looks like, girl. You meet sometimes, you talk sometimes. If you're already stung that he doesn't open your messages, you might want to re-think no-strings sex. It isn't for everyone, as feelings tend to get in the way and one person can wind up hurt when they realize the other truly doesn't want anything more than sex. Keep in mind that he might be having sex with others as well, and talking to them at the same time as you. Would you be okay with that? Edited February 9, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 4
Miss Spider Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) There are two other threads like this going around. This is fairly common, I guess. Sorry if this comes off harsh, but a man who is not really into you for anything more than sex might seem very eager and interested at the beginning because, well, sex..so you will see them chatting every day and making loads of conversation etc.... That’s the chase. It’s new. It’s exciting. You’re an attractive woman and he doesn’t know if he will succeed, but every positive interaction is an ego boost and affirmation of his game. He’s imagining what you look like naked, what you’re like in bed, and all kinds of different exciting new scenarios. Then you guys sleep together. Achievement unlocked. Do you keep going back and playing the same mission/quest ? Maybe if it was really really fun, but if sex is the primary motive/quest to begin with, interest wanes... it’s the normal order of things. Perhaps it was really good, so they come back for more later... but if there are other options they might take the fore just for the novelty alone... new quests with possibly greater rewards . So they may be focusing on others, not as inclined to chat. Hence the change you guys mention I think a anyway, if you have casual sex you should just to be aware of this. Sex is just sex for some people... and they’ll come back around again if they want it Edited February 9, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 4
Author EAM19 Posted February 9, 2021 Author Posted February 9, 2021 Thank you everyone. I do understand the no strings attached sex, I've done it before. I think the change in messaging just hit me harder than it should have (i have inner issues with feelings of worthlessness and this has really shown me that). Also I can imagine that the way I was acting (making him leave early when he wanted to stay, not replying to messages straight away etc) might also have given him the impression that I'm not very interested either. I can be a bit stand offish when I first meet people and I do primarily want to see him for a good hookup. I think the changes in messaging and stuff just threw me because I would feel too rude not opening a message from someone who I had spoken to first. It just was strange to me that he was the one initiating the conversations and then just suddenly stops when I reply to him
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 Unfortunately it seems like you are getting attached. He may be hooking up with others or simply has an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude towards hookups. If you would prefer regular communication and intimacy, perhaps dating would be more satisfying than random hookups. 1
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) Don't ever think you are the only one he is having sex with. That could be the reason why he has backed off a bit...he's focusing on someone else for sex while throwing you breadcrumbs to keep you in the picture. Edited February 9, 2021 by smackie9
Gaeta Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 4 hours ago, EAM19 said: (i have inner issues with feelings of worthlessness and this has really shown me that). And having hookups will amplify that, you're not very kind to yourself. 6 1
poppyfields Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: And having hookups will amplify that, you're not very kind to yourself. Agree. It sounds like you use sex/hook ups for validation but they only make you feel worse, as even great sex can't make up for the lack of an emotional connection or self-worth. I'm sorry. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 5 hours ago, EAM19 said: i have inner issues with feelings of worthlessness and this has really shown me that I would not engage in casual sex, in that case. It's going to amplify those negative feelings; in fact, it's already started. You might have missed these questions before, but did you know him before? Or was this first hook-up also the first time you'd met? Would you be able to handle the fact that you might not be the only girl he's talking to or having sex with? 3
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 If you find yourself in a situation where it makes you feel worthless...take yourself out of that situation....just don't go there again. Try something different. 2
winny Posted February 9, 2021 Posted February 9, 2021 Don't settle for less than what you deserve. You deserve a person and a relationship that does not make you feel worthless. 2
Author EAM19 Posted February 10, 2021 Author Posted February 10, 2021 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would not engage in casual sex, in that case. It's going to amplify those negative feelings; in fact, it's already started. You might have missed these questions before, but did you know him before? Or was this first hook-up also the first time you'd met? Would you be able to handle the fact that you might not be the only girl he's talking to or having sex with? If we saw one another again I would ask about other girls but only for safe sex reasons etc., we had chatted before we met and my housemate actually knows him from a couple of years ago so I knew he was a normal guy haha. I'm not expecting anything out of it. He is the one who initiated conversation after the times we met so I think the hane in thay communication has just thrown me. In fact, we spoke today, just something brief and funny and I feel more casual about the situation now. The feelings of worthlessness come from when someone changes the way they have been towards me, which I absolutely know objectively doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me. It sucks because I have sought help for this and had therapy for it but its still hard to untangle. So I guess its a good thing that this has happened because I'm clearly not ready just right now. But thank you for your wisdom and advice
Author EAM19 Posted February 10, 2021 Author Posted February 10, 2021 6 hours ago, smackie9 said: If you find yourself in a situation where it makes you feel worthless...take yourself out of that situation....just don't go there again. Try something different. Thank you. It seems any situation with a boy since a heartbreak 2 years ago makes me feel like this. I'm fun and pretty and look after myself and nearly have a law degree damn it. But I let situations with boys just rock my confidence. Therapy etc has helped a bit bit I need to work on my own I think.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 On 2/9/2021 at 3:36 AM, EAM19 said: Why would he message me first just to not even open my message for 2 days? It Because this is a casual fling, not a priority situation. 1
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 12 hours ago, EAM19 said: Thank you. It seems any situation with a boy since a heartbreak 2 years ago makes me feel like this. I'm fun and pretty and look after myself and nearly have a law degree damn it. But I let situations with boys just rock my confidence. Therapy etc has helped a bit bit I need to work on my own I think. What you are feeling is valid and there is nothing wrong with that. Know the difference. It's not you but the situation you put yourself in. You are not cut out for casual, like a lot of people they want something real, more fulfilling. You just have to keep looking, but in a better direction. 2
peach302 Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 On 2/9/2021 at 11:25 AM, EAM19 said: Thank you everyone. I do understand the no strings attached sex, I've done it before. I think the change in messaging just hit me harder than it should have (i have inner issues with feelings of worthlessness and this has really shown me that). Also I can imagine that the way I was acting (making him leave early when he wanted to stay, not replying to messages straight away etc) might also have given him the impression that I'm not very interested either. I can be a bit stand offish when I first meet people and I do primarily want to see him for a good hookup. I think the changes in messaging and stuff just threw me because I would feel too rude not opening a message from someone who I had spoken to first. It just was strange to me that he was the one initiating the conversations and then just suddenly stops when I reply to him Why can you act standoffish but not him? Either way..its a casual thing. So he will treat it as such. Women are really not good with these kinds of situations. You're coming off as you care too much. When this shouldn't be the case at this stage. 1
peach302 Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 14 hours ago, EAM19 said: Thank you. It seems any situation with a boy since a heartbreak 2 years ago makes me feel like this. I'm fun and pretty and look after myself and nearly have a law degree damn it. But I let situations with boys just rock my confidence. Therapy etc has helped a bit bit I need to work on my own I think. You're not ready for a fwb/fb then. 1
winny Posted February 10, 2021 Posted February 10, 2021 Nothing feels better than a real relationship. Why waste time on these flings and casual stuff.. they are emotionally draining and not good for anyone in long run. 1
Author EAM19 Posted February 10, 2021 Author Posted February 10, 2021 Thank you everyone. I can see how my reaction to this has shown that I clearly have some issues to work on I genuinely can and have done casual sex, I only invited him round for a hookup like I have done with others before. But then I ended up getting s bit of a crush on him after all the messaging etc. I need to remind myself what this was and not get ahead of myself over a little crush. 2
mortensorchid Posted February 12, 2021 Posted February 12, 2021 You said all you needed to say in the first sentence : I invited him over for a hookup. And you did and it's... Done. Moving on. What else is there to say on this matter? 3
Author EAM19 Posted February 12, 2021 Author Posted February 12, 2021 52 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: You said all you needed to say in the first sentence : I invited him over for a hookup. And you did and it's... Done. Moving on. What else is there to say on this matter? Yeah completely agree. I think its just because him messaging me lots after gave me the wrong impression. I've calmed down from it all now. Need to protect myself better ie. Don't engage in conversation every day with hookups hahah 2
divegrl Posted February 12, 2021 Posted February 12, 2021 I am glad you feel better now friend. Sending love. 1
Katkats7777 Posted February 13, 2021 Posted February 13, 2021 On 2/9/2021 at 4:21 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: There are two other threads like this going around. This is fairly common, I guess. Sorry if this comes off harsh, but a man who is not really into you for anything more than sex might seem very eager and interested at the beginning because, well, sex..so you will see them chatting every day and making loads of conversation etc.... That’s the chase. It’s new. It’s exciting. You’re an attractive woman and he doesn’t know if he will succeed, but every positive interaction is an ego boost and affirmation of his game. He’s imagining what you look like naked, what you’re like in bed, and all kinds of different exciting new scenarios. Then you guys sleep together. Achievement unlocked. Do you keep going back and playing the same mission/quest ? Maybe if it was really really fun, but if sex is the primary motive/quest to begin with, interest wanes... it’s the normal order of things. Perhaps it was really good, so they come back for more later... but if there are other options they might take the fore just for the novelty alone... new quests with possibly greater rewards . So they may be focusing on others, not as inclined to chat. Hence the change you guys mention I think a anyway, if you have casual sex you should just to be aware of this. Sex is just sex for some people... and they’ll come back around again if they want it So if the guy doesn't see a girl as "more" than a sex buddy, he won't be chasing her around anymore? How the heck do couples even keep that spark alive then if its not for the sex? 1
basil67 Posted February 13, 2021 Posted February 13, 2021 (edited) 13 hours ago, EAM19 said: Yeah completely agree. I think its just because him messaging me lots after gave me the wrong impression. Was it this frequent contact that you responded do with this? --> making him leave early when he wanted to stay, not replying to messages straight away etc If so, he's treating you with the same casualness with which you treated him. Or he was hoping for more and now sees games coming from you, so isn't bothering. Can I ask why you only want something casual? It seems to me like you'd be more suited to something which has ongoing care and connection. Edited February 13, 2021 by basil67
Author EAM19 Posted February 13, 2021 Author Posted February 13, 2021 2 hours ago, basil67 said: Was it this frequent contact that you responded do with this? --> making him leave early when he wanted to stay, not replying to messages straight away etc If so, he's treating you with the same casualness with which you treated him. Or he was hoping for more and now sees games coming from you, so isn't bothering. Can I ask why you only want something casual? It seems to me like you'd be more suited to something which has ongoing care and connection. I had to get him to leave because I had things to do and in whilst doing work I only go on my phone every hour so thats when the messages weren't being replied to straight away. I wouldn't be opposed to something more but at the time I initially just wanted it casual. I'm oung and thing I get ahead of myself and took the wrong message from his behaviour. I can see clearly now from his change to lack of contact with me that this is definitely casual and he isn't interested in me
Recommended Posts