Fight with my gf led to her telling me COVID has her severely depressed, I don't know what to do from here

[Longeartwin]

Apologies, this is gonna be a long one. For context: gf and I are both 22, been together for 2 years. Since the start of the pandemic things have been really bad between us, as I’ve been feeling under appreciated, romantically unwanted, and overall annoyed with my gfs behaviour. She’s been busy with school, and has been dealing with health issues while also being stuck in her house due to the pandemic keeping us stuck in our homes. She’s afraid of doing it while either her or my parents are home, so our sex life has also been nonexistent, but I have been understanding with that & am far more concerned with receiving affection in general from her than sexual intimacy, just because the situations tough in that regard.  I have been doing my absolute best to support her With everything, but In late December I began to really distance myself from my gf, as she was treating me objectively awfully. She tried cancelling our New Years plans the moment I headed to her place, would only talk to me about her issues, and was incredibly cold whenever we did see one another.  I took this to heart, because she’d been so cold (she did/does text me a lot, but again it’s all about her). I just want to say that I have done my best to be there and help her with every single thing she’s dealt with, but it felt like I was nothing more than emotional support to her. This has manifested to her ignoring half of the texts I send her when she starts the conversation herself, rejecting my offers to make plans, and canceling the ones she makes with me for whatever reason (this past weekend she was sick, the plans we had for next Friday are now cancelled because of school stuff). That said, she reached out a few weeks ago to apologize and set things straight with me regarding her neglect, and I accepted her apology but things never got any better.
 

I woke up to her messages telling me plans were cancelled, and I told her I had enough of it and that I was incredibly annoyed because I felt like an afterthought, and she blew Up at me. She told me she was trying her absolute hardest and called me out on not believing she is doing her absolute best to be a good partner, and told me being locked inside without any contact is killing her and making her more and more depressed.she also accused me of doing things like not responding to her messages or being uninterested, which I reminded her I experience too, so I wasn’t sure why she’d take it personally if she does the same thing when I talk to her.  I told her I’ve been doing my absolute best to talk to her more since we had our conversation, but she said she feels like every time I reach out to her it’s to remind her she’s being a bad gf. I reminded her I try not to have the conversation with her because I know it stresses her out, but it’s been 4 months of neglect in my eyes. She told me she’s not going to be any better while she’s stuck in the house and to just dump her if I’m not happy, so I asked her if she thinks she’s gonna be better after the pandemic clears, and she said she hopes so. I reassured her I don’t want to leave her at all, and that I’d wait for it to pass instead of leaving her at a low point. I asked her to be honest with me when she’s too sad or miserable to hang out or talk, so I don’t feel rejected and she said she’d try, and I told her I’d try my best to reach out more. We both mentioned not wanting to end the relationship, but I don’t know what to do if every time I reach out to her she thinks I’m calling her a bad gf even though I can’t stress how much I’ve tried keeping this to myself so as to keep peace while she’s worried or stressed. I’ve been there with her through all her health issues, will keep doing so, and am happy to keep supporting her, but I don’t think I should feel like a bad guy for wanting to not feel like I’m the lowest priority to my gf among all things. Any advice on how to help support her/outlook on the whole situation would mean a lot to me. Thanks! If you have any questions I’ll respond, same with any details that come to mind that I might have forgotten 

[Alpacalia]

It's a difficult time for everybody right now.

Still, if your girlfriend can't spend a few hours a week with you, she doesn't prioritize the relationship, and the relationship isn't sustainable. It doesn't sound that she has the slightest desire to improve and you can't continue playing "caretaker."

Is she seeing a therapist for her depression?

I hope things will improve for you, one way or the other.

[Longeartwin]

52 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

It's a difficult time for everybody right now.

Still, if your girlfriend can't spend a few hours a week with you, she doesn't prioritize the relationship, and the relationship isn't sustainable. It doesn't sound that she has the slightest desire to improve and you can't continue playing "caretaker."

Is she seeing a therapist for her depression?

I hope things will improve for you, one way or the other.

Thank you for the kind words and wishes, I appreciate it. She isn’t seeing anyone for her depression despite my urge for her to do so. Again, she texts me & whatnot, but I admittedly haven’t been asking her to call or Skype or whatever because of burnout/looking for any sign I can she still wants me romantically or To spend time with me. I’ll do my best to try and reach out to her that way and see if that changes anything 

[vla1120]

My youngest daughter (25) has developed debilitating OCD-related anxiety because of COVID. She has always had a bit of OCD-related anxiety - especially when it comes to health-related issues, but COVID has put her in a tailspin. Her doctor increased her medication to help her cope and she does talk to someone. Is it possible your girlfriend is dealing with this type of anxiety and has not addressed it? If she is not seeing a therapist, maybe she could make an online appointment with someone. 

You have to make the decision whether you want to hang around and see if this improves when COVID is over. Also, I can understand not wanting to be intimate under the roof of either of your parents - especially when other people are home. Maybe it would help to take her on a one-night romantic getaway - somewhere they are practicing good COVID prevention - for the two of you to reconnect.

Edited February 8, 2021 by vla1120

[Longeartwin]

28 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

My youngest daughter (25) has developed debilitating OCD-related anxiety because of COVID. She has always had a bit of OCD-related anxiety - especially when it comes to health-related issues, but COVID has put her in a tailspin. Her doctor increased her medication to help her cope and she does talk to someone. Is it possible your girlfriend is dealing with this type of anxiety and has not addressed it? If she is not seeing a therapist, maybe she could make an online appointment with someone. 

You have to make the decision whether you want to hang around and see if this improves when COVID is over. Also, I can understand not wanting to be intimate under the roof of either of your parents - especially when other people are home. Maybe it would help to take her on a one-night romantic getaway - somewhere they are practicing good COVID prevention - for the two of you to reconnect.

It’s most certainly possible she is, as she’s super afraid of health issues, but I’ve tried my best to get her to consider therapy in some form, which she’s resisted. I’ve also tried to get away, but again covid related fears have made her step back and say no every time I try to make the plans, so I wish I could say I haven’t tried those options 

[amygirl908]

I think that it might be worth it to do some couples counseling and that might help her on moving forward with seeing someone on individual level. Depression is a beast I have dealt with it for a long time and I used to do things and didn't even realize how it effected the people around me. It's so hard when you're depressed because you think that everything is so miserable and it will never get better, but once you get help it's a game changer. I hope she can get some help.

To me it seems like you're having some problems communicating. You both have held back emotions and things you need to discuss. You feel like you have communicated your needs and she isn't hearing you, but maybe she's not really understanding what you're meaning. I suggest couples counseling because they can help bridge the gap in your relationship. You both don't want it to end which is a really great sign and shows the core connection but sometimes we need someone else to help show us the way.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it's a hard time for a lot of people. There's a gray cloud over the world. I myself have been rather unmotivated for a while. I'm doing what I have to do, but my mojo is low compared to normal. 

If I were you, I'd back off and try to keep all your interactions positive. The last thing anybody needs right now is arguing, bickering, and stress. It's better to see each other less often and make that quality time.

But if the relationship isn't working for you, you're free to break it off, heal, and then seek out a relationship you feel is more equitable and rewarding.

[ShyViolet]

I don't think your relationship problems have anything whatsoever to do with covid.  That's just an excuse.  You are 22 years old; you've been together since you were 20.  At that stage of life you are maturing rapidly.  It sounds like this relationship has run its course.  You two have grown in two different directions.  This relationship sounds absolutely joyless and beyond repair.  Face reality and move on.