Is this guy playing some kind of game?

[lisaden]

Hi guys! I have been single for nearly 2 years and although I do want to be in a relationship again, I am enjoying being single and want to wait for the right person. Having said that, I don't mind to have some casual fun if I meet someone I feel attracted to.

So 4 months ago I met this guy online, we had one date just before lockdown (I live in Europe by the way), and we were sooooo attracted to each other we ended up having a steamy session. We didn't go all the way but agreed in meeting up again and do that. That's when lockdown happened and we couldn't meet because we also live a bit far away from each other but we said we will meet when lockdown is over.

We never agreed it was just casual sex, I said I am open to a relationship (in general, not with him in specific), and he said the same. 

Then we had some sexting a few times as well, and one day we got a bit more emotionally vulnerable where I told him my last relationship ended a bit badly and it took me some time to heal, and he also said that although he loves sex, he is much more than that.

Ever since that conversation (2 weeks ago), his behaviour changed. We used to text every day, and now he texts every other day, sometimes only says "good morning" and nothing else. Other times he asks me how am I doing, I respond and sometimes he doesn't even read it or reads it but doesn't reply until the next day or so.

One time he said sorry I haven't been in touch but he is busy with work. Although on weekends his behaviour is the same when he is not working.

I don't know what to say about this. I haven't been paying it much attention to be honest, because he is not my boyfriend and doesn't have any obligation to text me regularly. I also have been busy with work and texting other guys I meet online.

It was only when a friend of mine yesterday asked me how are things with this guy that I give it more thought. My friend says he is playing games, see if I go and chase him, and also giving me some crumbs of attention to keep me on the hook. I don't like this.

I am not going to confront him with this, because I can't be bothered to be honest, but I don't like these games. We agreed to meet when we can, no need for this.

I don't even know now how to respond to him, I'm only saying "good morning" and nothing else.

I did like the guy to be honest, although I confess I was just attracted sexually. But I don't want silly games.

What do you think about this and how to act? Thank you.

Edited February 8, 2021 by lisaden

[d0nnivain]

I don't think he's playing games so much as simply backing away.  You revealed too much to some guy you only saw once.  

Texting but not being able to see each other is the game.  You are an amusement on the other end of a phone.  It's fun & light but not real.  When you brought emotions into this it reminded him that you are a real person with real feelings, not just a play thing.  So now he's backing off. 

When the world opens up again, you may be able to fix this but for now keep it light if you want it to continue.  

[lisaden]

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't think he's playing games so much as simply backing away.  You revealed too much to some guy you only saw once.  

Texting but not being able to see each other is the game.  You are an amusement on the other end of a phone.  It's fun & light but not real.  When you brought emotions into this it reminded him that you are a real person with real feelings, not just a play thing.  So now he's backing off. 

When the world opens up again, you may be able to fix this but for now keep it light if you want it to continue.  

Hmmmm... ok. I don’t want to ‘fix’ anything as I don’t see anything needed to be fixed.

I made a very superficial comment about my last relationship in the context of the conversation we were having, not because I want something emotional with him. No need to back off. I don’t even see him as a potential partner.

But yes I am a human being. The same with him when he said to me ‘I like to talk about sex but I am more than that’.

It was fun and light but not any anymore.

Edited February 8, 2021 by lisaden

[d0nnivain]

No so much fix, then but if you keep away from the emotional stuff he should resume his prior patterns of chat.  

[lisaden]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

No so much fix, then but if you keep away from the emotional stuff he should resume his prior patterns of chat.  

OMG I only made one comment! I didn’t say I wanna marry him! lol

Is he a frightened chicken now!?

I am keeping away totally.

[peach302]

15 minutes ago, lisaden said:

Hmmmm... ok. I don’t want to ‘fix’ anything as I don’t see anything needed to be fixed.

I made a very superficial comment about my last relationship in the context of the conversation we were having, not because I want something emotional with him. No need to back off. I don’t even see him as a potential partner.

But yes I am a human being. The same with him when he said to me ‘I like to talk about sex but I am more than that’.

It was fun and light but not any anymore.

Why do you care so much then if you don't see him as a potential partner

Makes no sense.

Your words and actions are contradictory 

Edited February 8, 2021 by peach302

[lisaden]

Just now, peach302 said:

Why do you care so much then if you don't see him as a potential.

Makes no sense.

Your words and actions are contradictory 

Because I was having fun sexting and wanting to meet again for a sexual encounter. Now with his change of behaviour is not fun anymore.

[peach302]

1 minute ago, lisaden said:

Because I was having fun sexting and wanting to meet again for a sexual encounter. Now with his change of behaviour is not fun anymore.

Well you can't expect someone to be contacting you in a serious way (as if hes your partner or something) if you're only looking for a fun time.

In his mind he doesn't need to be doing all that.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

I don't think he is playing games. I think the tone of your "courtship" was established with the "steamy session" for the first meet and you being emotionally vulnerable verbally threw a dash of cold water on it. 

[lisaden]

8 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I don't think he is playing games. I think the tone of your "courtship" was established with the "steamy session" for the first meet and you being emotionally vulnerable verbally threw a dash of cold water on it. 

But he showed some vulnerability too, when he said he likes to talk about sex but he is more than that...

[lisaden]

11 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Well you can't expect someone to be contacting you in a serious way (as if hes your partner or something) if you're only looking for a fun time.

In his mind he doesn't need to be doing all that.

 

 

I get that. My question was about his change of behaviour.

[d0nnivain]

22 minutes ago, lisaden said:

Because I was having fun sexting and wanting to meet again for a sexual encounter. Now with his change of behaviour is not fun anymore.

It can be fun again.  You go back to the way it was & never veer off that lighthearted path. He will follow.  Then you can sort of compartmentalize, the brief misstep like it never happened (revisionist history can be OK if the stakes are not high) 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

1 hour ago, lisaden said:

Hi guys! I have been single for nearly 2 years and although I do want to be in a relationship again, I am enjoying being single and want to wait for the right person. Having said that, I don't mind to have some casual fun if I meet someone I feel attracted to.

So 4 months ago I met this guy online, we had one date just before lockdown (I live in Europe by the way), and we were sooooo attracted to each other we ended up having a steamy session. We didn't go all the way but agreed in meeting up again and do that. That's when lockdown happened and we couldn't meet because we also live a bit far away from each other but we said we will meet when lockdown is over.

We never agreed it was just casual sex, I said I am open to a relationship (in general, not with him in specific), and he said the same. 

Then we had some sexting a few times as well, and one day we got a bit more emotionally vulnerable where I told him my last relationship ended a bit badly and it took me some time to heal, and he also said that although he loves sex, he is much more than that.

Ever since that conversation (2 weeks ago), his behaviour changed. We used to text every day, and now he texts every other day, sometimes only says "good morning" and nothing else. Other times he asks me how am I doing, I respond and sometimes he doesn't even read it or reads it but doesn't reply until the next day or so.

One time he said sorry I haven't been in touch but he is busy with work. Although on weekends his behaviour is the same when he is not working.

I don't know what to say about this. I haven't been paying it much attention to be honest, because he is not my boyfriend and doesn't have any obligation to text me regularly. I also have been busy with work and texting other guys I meet online.

It was only when a friend of mine yesterday asked me how are things with this guy that I give it more thought. My friend says he is playing games, see if I go and chase him, and also giving me some crumbs of attention to keep me on the hook. I don't like this.

I am not going to confront him with this, because I can't be bothered to be honest, but I don't like these games. We agreed to meet when we can, no need for this.

I don't even know now how to respond to him, I'm only saying "good morning" and nothing else.

I did like the guy to be honest, although I confess I was just attracted sexually. But I don't want silly games.

What do you think about this and how to act? Thank you.

He is not playing games with you. You presented yourself to him as up for something casual with your words and behavior, and he is treating you accordingly. Don't expect boyfriend treatment.

[lisaden]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It can be fun again.  You go back to the way it was & never veer off that lighthearted path. He will follow.  Then you can sort of compartmentalize, the brief misstep like it never happened (revisionist history can be OK if the stakes are not high) 

Right ok. But what do I do now? Don’t text first, respond very briefly, not say anything at all? I’m confused.

Edited February 8, 2021 by lisaden

[lisaden]

1 minute ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

He is not playing games with you. You presented yourself to him as up for something casual with your words and behavior, and he is treating you accordingly. Don't expect boyfriend treatment.

Honey I don’t want boyfriend treatment from him and was never expecting that or have I said that.

I just want to go back to sexting and the light hearted fun that seemed to have stopped. Understand?

Edited February 8, 2021 by lisaden

[GeorgiaPeach1]

1 hour ago, lisaden said:

We used to text every day, and now he texts every other day, sometimes only says "good morning" and nothing else. Other times he asks me how am I doing, I respond and sometimes he doesn't even read it or reads it but doesn't reply until the next day or so.

One time he said sorry I haven't been in touch but he is busy with work. Although on weekends his behaviour is the same when he is not working.

This is casual, exactly what you said you were up for. 

[lisaden]

2 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

This is casual, exactly what you said you were up for. 

Yes but there was sexting and banter before and it changed abruptly. That is my question here.

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, lisaden said:

But he showed some vulnerability too, when he said he likes to talk about sex but he is more than that...

Maybe he's experiencing a decrease in testosterone at the moment. 

[lisaden]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Maybe he's experiencing a decrease in testosterone at the moment. 

Could be. lol

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Okay, let me break it down. In a casual situation, nothing can be taken for granted. Contact can decrease, or stop and start abruptly, with or without notice. It all depends on what the people involved have going on at the moment. He could have gotten suddenly busy, he could have started dating someone else, etc... Casual situations are not a priority, and consistency cannot be expected.

[introverted1]

7 minutes ago, lisaden said:

Yes but there was sexting and banter before and it changed abruptly. That is my question here.

Maybe he did not enjoy:

1 hour ago, lisaden said:

 we got a bit more emotionally vulnerable where I told him my last relationship ended a bit badly and it took me some time to heal,

so he has backed off.

He doesn't know if that was a one-off or a sign of what's to come and he may have decided that there is casual sex to be had with less complication locally.

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, lisaden said:

Could be. lol

After fornication, women get bond-y men get withdrawn-y.  

Don't mind me, I am so sleep deprived (lol)

[peach302]

12 minutes ago, lisaden said:

Yes but there was sexting and banter before and it changed abruptly. That is my question here.

Maybe he got bored.

Maybe he found another person to sext with.

[lisaden]

9 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Maybe he got bored.

Maybe he found another person to sext with.

Ok got it. Gonna focus on other guys and leave it.

Edited February 8, 2021 by lisaden

[peach302]

4 minutes ago, lisaden said:

Ok got it. Gonna focus on other guys and leave it.

They're  possibilities. 

If he reaches out again  its upto you what you do.