She wants to be my wing women

[lionheart153]

So my crush who I've been talking to for awhile now offered to be my wing women. Says she can help me find a girl. 

I thought it was pretty clear we were flirting back and forth. But I guess not. I'm assuming this is a bad sign?

[josedelamuerte]

She's probably getting the feeling that you're about to hit on her and is trying to deflect your affection. Figures if she can hook you up with someone else she can keep you around as a friend.

1 hour ago, lionheart153 said:

I'm assuming this is a bad sign?

If you want to be more than a friend to her then yeah, you don't want to go that route

.

Edited February 8, 2021 by josedelamuerte
typo

[littleblackheart]

She may be testing the waters to see whether you are interested in her, or she may preemptively deflect any attempt from you to make a move (friendzoning you, basically).

If you know for certain there's no chance of you and her being a thing, or you have no plans in taking it further for whatever reason, take the offer! 

Friends of the opposite sex make great wingpeople.

Also, crushes can be fun - for a time. At some point though, you want to make things real. Ask her out or accept the friendzone in good faith.

My overall point, though: don't assume anything! 

Edited February 8, 2021 by littleblackheart
adding extra bit

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

 Says she can help me find a girl. 

It depends. If you're friends that's great. 

If you want to date her you'll have to ask her out on a real date, not hang out as friends.

In fact it may be a good idea to find another girl, if this one just wants to be friends.

[ShyViolet]

Uhh, yeah.  If she tells you that she wants to help you find a girl, I think that's her way of telling you that SHE doesn't want to be the girl for you.  She wants you to find someone else.

[Fletch Lives]

It means she is a good girl and wants to help you. But she only sees you as a friend and probably always will.

[smackie9]

Totally friend zoned. That's the thing about girls...they can be emotionally attached but not sexually attracted. Remember girls do LOVE attention. You don't give them attention if you are not dating them. You like a girl, you ask her out....being in their orbit, is the beta way and gets you put in the zone so stop doing that. You hang out with guys, you date girls.

[lionheart153]

Well she is very confusing, and honestly its kind of annoying. We became friends and she flirts. She tells me that I'm cute or handsome. We've talked bout our past before and we both talked about how its nice to get to know someone, being friends first. She mentioned that her last relationship failed because she believe they weren't friends and she eventually fell out of love and had nothing to go on, hence leaving the relationship. so she felt that its important to become friends and if something more comes from it great. She told me she gets frustrated that guys can't be friends first with her and will tell her things like "I don't need more friends, if you arent interested then we are done"

She sends me selfies and even though I comment that she probably sends them to everyone she made it clear that she just sends it to me. We have phone calls and last usually 1 hour or even 3 hours depending on the call. I make her laugh and all that. I guess it should be worthy to note we have not met in person because of COVID. 

But at this point I'm kind of just annoyed, what is the best way to handle this? I kind of want to just tell her that I'm interested in her and see her reaction. Worst case she says she isn't interested and I tell her I probably need to back off for myself so I don't become those guys she gets frustrated with that stops talking to her when she can't commit to anything. 

I don't know, this all started when she and I got close and talked alot, I kind of backed off and stopped msging her because I realized I was starting it alot. She then started to msg me first send me snaps or comment on my snaps to start conovs. I thought I was making progress but I guess not. 

[Miss Spider]

Oh no... another casualty of the friendzone...rip

Edited February 8, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[dramafreezone]

 

21 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

Well she is very confusing, and honestly its kind of annoying. We became friends and she flirts. She tells me that I'm cute or handsome. We've talked bout our past before and we both talked about how its nice to get to know someone, being friends first. She mentioned that her last relationship failed because she believe they weren't friends and she eventually fell out of love and had nothing to go on, hence leaving the relationship. so she felt that its important to become friends and if something more comes from it great. She told me she gets frustrated that guys can't be friends first with her and will tell her things like "I don't need more friends, if you arent interested then we are done"

She sends me selfies and even though I comment that she probably sends them to everyone she made it clear that she just sends it to me. We have phone calls and last usually 1 hour or even 3 hours depending on the call. I make her laugh and all that. I guess it should be worthy to note we have not met in person because of COVID. 

But at this point I'm kind of just annoyed, what is the best way to handle this? I kind of want to just tell her that I'm interested in her and see her reaction. Worst case she says she isn't interested and I tell her I probably need to back off for myself so I don't become those guys she gets frustrated with that stops talking to her when she can't commit to anything. 

I don't know, this all started when she and I got close and talked alot, I kind of backed off and stopped msging her because I realized I was starting it alot. She then started to msg me first send me snaps or comment on my snaps to start conovs. I thought I was making progress but I guess not. 

She knows you're interested in her.

She's not interested in you (or has very very low interest) if she hasn't indicated that she'd be willing to see you in person.  Women won't outright ask you but they'll make it easy for you to ask if they really like you.  You are firmly entrenched in the friendzone. She loves the attention that you give her though and will be happy to keep receiving it indefinitely.

Next, you're putting her on a pedestal.  You're so worried about what she wants to the detriment of what you want.  What do you want?  You don't have to tell her you like her, she knows that.  Ask to meet up and she what she says. If she declines, you don't have to cut her off, but stop the hour long phone calls, stop the frequent texts and look for women that actually are interested in you.  That's boyfriend-level attention.

Also, wing women can actually work against you.  What a single, woman friend being your wing-woman is actually saying to onlookers is that this guy isn't good enough for me, and I have to help him find women.   Do you think that helps your chances with other women.  Women might think "if he's so great why isn't she with him?"

Take the idea to its logical extreme; do you think Leonardo Dicaprio has a wingwoman, or that any woman would ever offer?  Now you're not him, but the idea is that you want to at least project that you are confident in your ability to attract women, and having a wing-woman is incompatiable with developing that confidence.

Edited February 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[amygirl908]

21 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

Well she is very confusing, and honestly its kind of annoying. We became friends and she flirts. She tells me that I'm cute or handsome. We've talked bout our past before and we both talked about how its nice to get to know someone, being friends first. She mentioned that her last relationship failed because she believe they weren't friends and she eventually fell out of love and had nothing to go on, hence leaving the relationship. so she felt that its important to become friends and if something more comes from it great. She told me she gets frustrated that guys can't be friends first with her and will tell her things like "I don't need more friends, if you arent interested then we are done"

She sends me selfies and even though I comment that she probably sends them to everyone she made it clear that she just sends it to me. We have phone calls and last usually 1 hour or even 3 hours depending on the call. I make her laugh and all that. I guess it should be worthy to note we have not met in person because of COVID. 

But at this point I'm kind of just annoyed, what is the best way to handle this? I kind of want to just tell her that I'm interested in her and see her reaction. Worst case she says she isn't interested and I tell her I probably need to back off for myself so I don't become those guys she gets frustrated with that stops talking to her when she can't commit to anything. 

I don't know, this all started when she and I got close and talked alot, I kind of backed off and stopped msging her because I realized I was starting it alot. She then started to msg me first send me snaps or comment on my snaps to start conovs. I thought I was making progress but I guess not. 

I don't think it's confusing at all I think you're projecting your expectations and allowing yourself to see these friendly things as maybe something more. I often tell my friends that I think they're good looking or handsome because that's what friends do. They encourage and support each other. Help build up self esteem and confidence. I can appreciate someone's good looks without wanting to jump their bones.

Her telling you that she will be your wing woman is definitely her way of saying I appreciate our friendship but we're only friends.

I think you can keep on being her friend or if it's too hard for you to maintain being only friends you should walk away.

Edited February 8, 2021 by amygirl908

[josedelamuerte]

9 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

But at this point I'm kind of just annoyed, what is the best way to handle this? I kind of want to just tell her that I'm interested in her and see her reaction. Worst case she says she isn't interested and I tell her I probably need to back off for myself so I don't become those guys she gets frustrated with that stops talking to her when she can't commit to anything.

Usually what happens at this point is that the friendzoned guy (you in this case) eventually breaks down and does one of three things:

1. Sends a awkward text where he comes clean about his intentions
2. Makes an awkward call where he does the same thing
3. Tries to kiss her and she pulls away

Then she comes clean and says she likes him as a friend, and he says he needs to pull back for a while. Or doesn't say anything, but naturally stops talking to her on account of the awkwardness. This is usually a good thing because he can get back to living his life.

Many guys I know have had something like this happen to them. I know I have. So welcome to the club! 🙂

[littleblackheart]

28 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

I don't know, this all started when she and I got close and talked alot, I kind of backed off and stopped msging her because I realized I was starting it alot. She then started to msg me first send me snaps or comment on my snaps to start conovs. I thought I was making progress but I guess not. 

I think that maybe you need to stop assuming and / or guessing, and get some facts!

Tell her you are interested, and see what she says. The rest, in truth, is conjecture 🙂.

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, amygirl908 said:

I don't think it's confusing at all I think you're projecting your expectations and allowing yourself to see these friendly things as maybe something more. I often tell my friends that I think they're good looking or handsome because that's what friends do. They encourage and support each other. Help build up self esteem and confidence. I can appreciate someone's good looks without wanting to jump their bones.

Her telling you that she will be your wing woman is definitely her way of saying I appreciate our friendship but we're only friends.

I think you can keep on being her friend or if it's too hard for you to maintain being only friends you should walk away.

This is the one detail where men and women differ greatly.  If men view women as attractive, they want to jump their bones, almost always.  So in a man's mind, he correlates you viewing him as attractive with sexual interest.

He cannot be her friend if he is romantically interested.  He just can't.  It's not really a true friendship, because he's seeing his friendship as an investment that will pay off later, and it won't.

[amygirl908]

14 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

This is the one detail where men and women differ greatly.  If men view women as attractive, they want to jump their bones, almost always.  So in a man's mind, he correlates you viewing him as attractive with sexual interest.

He cannot be her friend if he is romantically interested.  He just can't.  It's not really a true friendship, because he's seeing his friendship as an investment that will pay off later, and it won't.

It’s a known fact though lol just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true.

If you adjust your mindset you totally can. If that person is someone important to you, you can find a way to check your feelings and your expectations. Often people are motivated for the wrong reasons and often it doesn't work out that way, but it’s not impossible and a skill totally worth learning.

[dramafreezone]

9 minutes ago, amygirl908 said:

It’s a known fact though lol just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true.

If you adjust your mindset you totally can. If that person is someone important to you, you can find a way to check your feelings and your expectations. Often people are motivated for the wrong reasons and often it doesn't work out that way, but it’s not impossible and a skill totally worth learning.

Ok, but I would have to have a reason to want to adjust my mindset.  That person would have to be someone that enhances my life.

True friends (male or female) are really tough to come by in the first place.  I think a person is lucky if they have 2-3 in their lives. 

I'm certain if a woman that I was interested in romantically met or exceeded every other expectation that I had for a friend, they were dependable, selfless, made time frequently, then I would definitely make every effort to keep her in my life, even if I couldn't see her romantically.  That's just not very realistic in my mind. 

A friend has to make time for whoever their are dating anyway, so really how could a woman fufill what I consider to be friend responsibilities?  And how appropriate is it for a woman to spend time with her boyfriend/husband and spend time with another male friend?  It's just not realistic.  Obviously it's completely appropriate for a guy to do so though.

Maybe what I consider a friend is a much higher bar than what others consider.  I know plenty of women that I'm friendly with and have even hung out with but I don't consider them friends.  Or maybe they're minor friends and not major friends.  If we gradate what a friend is between minor and major, then I guess I have lots of minor women friends, just none of them are major friends.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

This is the one detail where men and women differ greatly.  If men view women as attractive, they want to jump their bones, almost always.  So in a man's mind, he correlates you viewing him as attractive with sexual interest.

He cannot be her friend if he is romantically interested.  He just can't.  It's not really a true friendship, because he's seeing his friendship as an investment that will pay off later, and it won't.

False

 

as I guy I can look at a woman snd say she’s hot.  That doesn’t mean I want sex with her.  For me, I need a dipper attraction from getting to know someone.  I don’t go and have sex just because I can.  I have no problem with hook ups or Fe s if thatswhatssaidgoing in.

 

I can be just friends with women.  For example she is already married when I meet her.   I find out some fundamental differences in terms of LTR such as different core beliefs or wants out of life.  

[dramafreezone]

7 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

False

 

as I guy I can look at a woman snd say she’s hot.  That doesn’t mean I want sex with her.  For me, I need a dipper attraction from getting to know someone.  I don’t go and have sex just because I can.  I have no problem with hook ups or Fe s if thatswhatssaidgoing in.

 

I can be just friends with women.  For example she is already married when I meet her.   I find out some fundamental differences in terms of LTR such as different core beliefs or wants out of life.  

I thought it was implied that I meant available women, women without barriers to relationship, not literally any woman you know.

I'm talking about single, available attractive women at the same time you that you are also single and available.  Not married women, women in a LTR, women that I don't like as a person, women I'm not attracted to, lesbian women.

Women that I believe look good, have a good personality and are single, yes I would like to have sex with all of them.  I don't need a deeper connection.

Edited February 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Miss Spider]

I think it kind of got off topic. OK, I see what you are saying. However I don’t think it is quite as cut and dry as a male/female thing a. Because as a woman, if I am attracted to the guy physically and have a good personality, I would prob also want to get with him. That happened in the case with my boyfriend. We started out as just friendly( won’t use the word ‘friends’), but I thought he was super fine so I secretly wanted to date him and turns out he felt the same ! So yeah, we started out friendly but we were never friends. I’m not quite sure what Amy is saying. Maybe if she can return to clarify. But I think it was taken a bit out of context?  I assumed it to mean that she can admire a person is good looking but not be romantically/sexually attracted to them. Which I also don’t think is exclusive to women. 
 

It’s easy to be friends with someone you are not romantically/sexually attracted to you. But once one person is, which is the case the majority of the time with opposite sex friendships,  it muddles things and changes the dynamic of the friendship quite a bit. That is my personal opinion. 

Edited February 9, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

17 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

So my crush who I've been talking to for awhile now offered to be my wing women. Says she can help me find a girl. 

I thought it was pretty clear we were flirting back and forth. But I guess not. I'm assuming this is a bad sign?

I think we need more context.  What led to her saying this?  Were you bantering with each other a bit?

Is it possible she said it as a sort of playful tease, to gauge your reaction?  How did you respond?

I dunno, I could see myself saying this with a guy I like as a bit of a snark, with him responding with his own snark.

All in good fun. 🤣

I don't really know, just a another possibility but if you could provide more context and what led her to say this, it might be helpful.

Things are not always what they appear to be nor are they ever as black and white as we may think them to be (i.e. she's friendzoning you).

 

Edited February 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I think we need more context.  What led to her saying this?  Were you bantering with each other a bit?

Is it possible she said it as a sort of playful tease, to gauge your reaction?  How did you respond?

I dunno, I could see myself saying this with a guy I like as a bit of a snark, with him responding with his own snark.

All in good fun. 🤣

I don't really know, just a another possibility but if you could provide more context and what led her to say this, it might be helpful.

Things are not always what they appear to be nor are they ever as black and white as we may think them to be (i.e. she's friendzoning you).

 

Aren't you going to law school?  You have a talent for suggesting alternative scenarios so you'll probably make a good defense lawyer.😄

I suppose it's possible that she said it as a defense mechanism because she really does like him.  I think the most obvious explanation is the correct one here though.

Edited February 9, 2021 by dramafreezone

[StrongHands]

13 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

It means she is a good girl and wants to help you. But she only sees you as a friend and probably always will.

I think the OP has been Friend Zoned...........

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Aren't you going to law school?  You have a talent for suggesting alternative scenarios so you'll probably make a good defense lawyer.😄

I suppose it's possible that she said it as a defense mechanism because she really does like him.  I think the most obvious explanation is the correct one here though.

Yeah I am!  I've also been working in the legal field for many years and we're trained to look at all sides of a situation and all possibilities, devise different theories and scenarios, take nothing for granted.  So yeah I guess it's in my nature to do that. 😆

That said, I don't mean it as a defense mechanism but as a playful tease.  Just sort of ribbing him if you will, to get a rise, he should toss her a snark right back! 

There have only been a few men I've had that sort of bantery rapport with, it can be a lot of fun actually. 

Edited February 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

The zone of friends is strong with this one 

[lionheart153]

On 2/8/2021 at 4:12 PM, dramafreezone said:

This is the one detail where men and women differ greatly.  If men view women as attractive, they want to jump their bones, almost always.  So in a man's mind, he correlates you viewing him as attractive with sexual interest.

He cannot be her friend if he is romantically interested.  He just can't.  It's not really a true friendship, because he's seeing his friendship as an investment that will pay off later, and it won't.

 

On 2/8/2021 at 4:30 PM, amygirl908 said:

It’s a known fact though lol just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true.

If you adjust your mindset you totally can. If that person is someone important to you, you can find a way to check your feelings and your expectations. Often people are motivated for the wrong reasons and often it doesn't work out that way, but it’s not impossible and a skill totally worth learning.

 

On 2/8/2021 at 4:53 PM, dramafreezone said:

Ok, but I would have to have a reason to want to adjust my mindset.  That person would have to be someone that enhances my life.

True friends (male or female) are really tough to come by in the first place.  I think a person is lucky if they have 2-3 in their lives. 

I'm certain if a woman that I was interested in romantically met or exceeded every other expectation that I had for a friend, they were dependable, selfless, made time frequently, then I would definitely make every effort to keep her in my life, even if I couldn't see her romantically.  That's just not very realistic in my mind. 

A friend has to make time for whoever their are dating anyway, so really how could a woman fufill what I consider to be friend responsibilities?  And how appropriate is it for a woman to spend time with her boyfriend/husband and spend time with another male friend?  It's just not realistic.  Obviously it's completely appropriate for a guy to do so though.

Maybe what I consider a friend is a much higher bar than what others consider.  I know plenty of women that I'm friendly with and have even hung out with but I don't consider them friends.  Or maybe they're minor friends and not major friends.  If we gradate what a friend is between minor and major, then I guess I have lots of minor women friends, just none of them are major friends.

 

On 2/8/2021 at 5:21 PM, Ami1uwant said:

False

 

as I guy I can look at a woman snd say she’s hot.  That doesn’t mean I want sex with her.  For me, I need a dipper attraction from getting to know someone.  I don’t go and have sex just because I can.  I have no problem with hook ups or Fe s if thatswhatssaidgoing in.

 

I can be just friends with women.  For example she is already married when I meet her.   I find out some fundamental differences in terms of LTR such as different core beliefs or wants out of life.  

Ya I don't know about the rest of you but I'm thinking @dramafreezone is more accurate here.

Personally if you think she is "hot" then that is attraction already, sleeping with them is different imo. Based on your morals or comfortability but you can be attracted to them. 

Girls that are married or in relationships or whatever also fall into a different category as again, it is based on your own morals. If you are a good person you automatically would rule these women out as I have. I have a few "girl friends" because they are married to my best friend or whatever so I don't feel anything for them because I morally believe to not break that code. However some people would disregard this. If I see an attractive girl and I try to hit on her and she has a bf or husband I usually back off as I lose interest instantly. 

So to be friends, as drama was saying, like close friends to a girl that I am interested in makes it very hard to happen realistically. And like I said before, we have been flirting, its been pretty obvious. I often overthink and or I am just oblivious. But showing my friends our convos they all think she is interested so this comment about being a wingwomen defiantly irked me a bit. For example one thing she did recently was tell me that her and her gf talk and have funny convos and she sent me a snapshot and it was pretty explicit, talking about how she has nice big lips that would be good for certain sexual activities. I made a comment and she got embarrassed but laughed it off. It just felt odd to send me something like that my friends felt. Or sending me selfies through out the day winking and stuff. 

On 2/8/2021 at 6:10 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think it kind of got off topic. OK, I see what you are saying. However I don’t think it is quite as cut and dry as a male/female thing a. Because as a woman, if I am attracted to the guy physically and have a good personality, I would prob also want to get with him. That happened in the case with my boyfriend. We started out as just friendly( won’t use the word ‘friends’), but I thought he was super fine so I secretly wanted to date him and turns out he felt the same ! So yeah, we started out friendly but we were never friends. I’m not quite sure what Amy is saying. Maybe if she can return to clarify. But I think it was taken a bit out of context?  I assumed it to mean that she can admire a person is good looking but not be romantically/sexually attracted to them. Which I also don’t think is exclusive to women. 
 

It’s easy to be friends with someone you are not romantically/sexually attracted to you. But once one person is, which is the case the majority of the time with opposite sex friendships,  it muddles things and changes the dynamic of the friendship quite a bit. That is my personal opinion. 

Your situation sounds exactly like what I thought was happening with me. We started talking a few months ago and we talk a lot. She mentioned she had been hurt so she wanted to be friends and always added that if something were to come of it that would be great. So in my head I just thought that at least she is open to the idea. I had no issue taking it slow and getting to know her because I also was recovering from a heart break so taking it slow was fine with me. But this incident has thrown me for a look and I just wonder if I should back off now all together. I know I've caught feelings but I could just spare myself from full on heart break again if I back off now. 

On 2/8/2021 at 8:46 PM, poppyfields said:

I think we need more context.  What led to her saying this?  Were you bantering with each other a bit?

Is it possible she said it as a sort of playful tease, to gauge your reaction?  How did you respond?

I dunno, I could see myself saying this with a guy I like as a bit of a snark, with him responding with his own snark.

All in good fun. 🤣

I don't really know, just a another possibility but if you could provide more context and what led her to say this, it might be helpful.

Things are not always what they appear to be nor are they ever as black and white as we may think them to be (i.e. she's friendzoning you).

 

After she sent me her selfie of her winking at me, I told her she has a cute wink and asked how she was able to get that because when I wink I look like I have a tic (true story). she replied with saying that she bet I looked cute doing it and that I could probably pick up girls doing it. I replied with saying I have no other girls (because I don't I havent been actively looking and she sort of just came into my life) 

To reply to that she just said "I'll be your wing women"

I reacted just normally I assume. I said no thanks and that she couldn't help. She kept pressing and saying that she could try until I said "why do you have someone to introduce me to?" and she replied no and just said she was my cheerleader. I kinda just changed the top and said good night cuz I was going to bed. 

I know many of you just jump to friendzone right away and that's fine. If that is the case I don't know if there is a point to be friends because like Drama had mentioned, this friendship would be temporary. if she started dating someone she would stop talking to me cuz she mentioned that when dating she is really loyal and wouldn't feel comfortable talking to other guys. Same for me. I would expect my future gf to be like WTF as well

I guess based on the experience and our interactions I am questioning what this means. She mentioned before that when she was on tinder she dragged out the talking phase back and forth on the app for 6 months before finally meeting him and giving him chance. Part of me wonders if she is just testing me. 

It's quite obvious to me by now that she was very hurt in a past relationship and is insecure about dating. She mentioned being cheated on from the same guy many times and just didn't leave him until realizing she didn't love him and they weren't friends and she felt she stayed way to long before having the courage to leave him (7 years). Hence why at the beginning of the conversations he said she wants to be friends first and if it grows from there she would prefer to happen that way. Which to me just sounds like she wants to take the time to get to know someone. Fair game I thought but maybe I am wrong

Edited February 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language.