Passive aggressive comment and no support

[Angel29]

About 3 years ago I was working in a stressful job with no management support after asking for help. I caught a virus as my immune system had got low due to stress. I was pressurised to go back when I had not recovered and as my body had not healed I had lots of health issues and had to go off sick twice and then got sacked.

I decided to change careers as I want to enjoy my career. I have been studying on various college courses to help me get to my goal whilst at the same time still being trying to sort out my physical health issues which are finally resolving.

Last year on one of the courses I met a man who had been in a similar situation with a stressful job and he got a payout from his old employer and he was changing careers too. He ended up going on to a teaching course in September. A few weeks ago he sent me a message asking how I was coping with the current pandemic situation, I said I am focusing on my goals as I have other ones to pursue. I didn't really want to tell him about my health issues had got worse and that my Grandad had, had a fall. I asked him the same and got no reply.

A week later he messaged in response to the goals message saying "Typical Angel". I was shocked, he knew I had health issues before and stressful job and I was trying to change my life for the better. He assumes I have had it easy. He seems bitter as I don't think he will be passing his teaching course this year and will have to go back in September to finish to do his placement.

Usually I am strong person and brush off rude people. I don't get negative comments as most people have been supportive and are pleased I am doing well after I hit rock bottom and picked myself up again. I felt sad as I actually wanted to date this man but kept him as a friend as there were red flags in the past. I realise he will never be able to provide the emotional support I need to achieve my goals because if he isn't happy he isn't achieving his then he won't want you to achieve yours.

Has anyone else encountered bitterness and negativity whilst trying to progress? What is the best way for me to move forward? I just want to shake off this comment. Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Have you met in person?

Just cut negative people like this out.

[Angel29]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person?

Just cut negative people like this out.

Yeah, I have met this man many times in person.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Angel29 said:

Has anyone else encountered bitterness and negativity whilst trying to progress? What is the best way for me to move forward? I just want to shake off this comment.

You are in a self fulfilling prophecy phase.  You are down & so you attract other people who share your perspective.  Because there is a black cloud hanging over your head, you see doom & gloom every where.  You perceive everything to be negative & then you get more negativity in return. 

You can't fix this from outside yourself.  You have to ignore everybody else & do you.  Instead of dwelling on all the bad, start looking at the good.  I suggest you start a gratitude journal.  Every morning when you wake up write down 3 things you are grateful for.  They don't have to be profound, but they can be.  They should be different every day.  I will share that especially in winter some version of my down comforter makes the list a lot.   Write 3 more things every night before you sleep.  Once per week read the list so you can see all the good things in your life.  Doing this will help you focus more on what's going well in your life.  

I'll start your list for you just based on the above post:

1.  You are out of the stressful job

2.  You are a strong person

3.  You have the ability to brush off rude people

4.  You have LS as an outlet

5.  Although your Grandfather had a fall, it could have been worse, he's on the mend now & lucky you he's still around

6.  You have the ability to pick yourself up after rock bottom

7.  Your course work is interesting & helping you change careers

8.  Your health is improving  

Now you keep going

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Angel29 said:

 A few weeks ago he sent me a message asking how I was coping with the current pandemic situation, I said I am focusing on my goals as I have other ones to pursue. I didn't really want to tell him about my health issues had got worse and that my Grandad had, had a fall. I asked him the same and got no reply.

A week later he messaged in response to the goals message saying "Typical Angel". I was shocked, 

Why are you interpreting this as passive aggressive?

He might have meant that are you are as goal-oriented as ever. 

I think you are projecting an awful lot without actually knowing what his comment meant. Try not to imbue so much emotional meaning on a two-word comment. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Angel29 said:

A few weeks ago he sent me a message asking how I was coping with the current pandemic situation, I said I am focusing on my goals as I have other ones to pursue.

A week later he messaged in response to the goals message saying "Typical Angel". I was shocked, he assumes I have had it easy. He seems bitter.

I tend to agree. I think you have jumped from A to D here... and then made your own judgment of the man - that he is bitter and judgmental.

Who knows what he meant by that comment. But you have clearly jumped to conclusions, overgeneralized, and decided to focus on this one perceived negative comment, this disqualifying the positive. Stop that!  If you don’t know the man well, I wouldn’t spend anytime worrying about what a virtual stranger thinks of you. It doesn’t really matter. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Angel29]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why are you interpreting this as passive aggressive?

He might have meant that are you are as goal-oriented as ever. 

I think you are projecting an awful lot without actually knowing what his comment meant. Try not to imbue so much emotional meaning on a two-word comment. 

I never thought of it like that. I think the trigger is, usually whenever I have heard the word ‘typical’ it has always been linked to something negative. Plus when I read his words I had his sarcastic tone in my head which he has done before about things.

[d0nnivain]

18 minutes ago, Angel29 said:

 Plus when I read his words I had his sarcastic tone in my head which he has done before about things.

This is the problem with texting  You can't hear the speakers actual tone.  You only hear when you think the tone was.  You are making your own assumptions & they might not be accurate. 

[Gaeta]

You are a strong and resilient woman, trust your instinct. You said there were past red flags with this man so that means he's not someone you need in your life. In the grand picture he's nobody. He's not putting a roof over your head or food on your table. His opinion of you is worth 0. 

@d0nnivain suggestion of keeping a gratitude journal is good idea and I did it myself when I was rebuilding myself personally and professionally. Each morning I looked in the mirror and found 3 new things to be grateful for. Sometimes they were hard to find because we feel so lost and lonely but I still found 3 different ones every day. 

Great things are waiting for you, your future is like a blank canvas and you can make it anything you wish. 

[Angel29]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

This is the problem with texting  You can't hear the speakers actual tone.  You only hear when you think the tone was.  You are making your own assumptions & they might not be accurate. 

Thank you for your positive suggestions in your previous post. They are very helpful and I need to start implementing them.

Yes, I hate texting because things can get misconstrued.

I think he wound me up because every time I ask how he is he purposely avoids the question. I don’t see the point in friends who won’t open up, I might as well be friends with a brick wall.

[FMW]

3 minutes ago, Angel29 said:

I think he wound me up because every time I ask how he is he purposely avoids the question. I don’t see the point in friends who won’t open up, I might as well be friends with a brick wall.

You noted that you didn't feel like telling him about your health issues getting worse and your grandfather's fall.  Maybe he doesn't feel like he has anything good to share about his life, so he was doing the same thing you did, avoiding the negative.  

[peach302]

5 hours ago, Angel29 said:

About 3 years ago I was working in a stressful job with no management support after asking for help. I caught a virus as my immune system had got low due to stress. I was pressurised to go back when I had not recovered and as my body had not healed I had lots of health issues and had to go off sick twice and then got sacked.

I decided to change careers as I want to enjoy my career. I have been studying on various college courses to help me get to my goal whilst at the same time still being trying to sort out my physical health issues which are finally resolving.

Last year on one of the courses I met a man who had been in a similar situation with a stressful job and he got a payout from his old employer and he was changing careers too. He ended up going on to a teaching course in September. A few weeks ago he sent me a message asking how I was coping with the current pandemic situation, I said I am focusing on my goals as I have other ones to pursue. I didn't really want to tell him about my health issues had got worse and that my Grandad had, had a fall. I asked him the same and got no reply.

A week later he messaged in response to the goals message saying "Typical Angel". I was shocked, he knew I had health issues before and stressful job and I was trying to change my life for the better. He assumes I have had it easy. He seems bitter as I don't think he will be passing his teaching course this year and will have to go back in September to finish to do his placement.

Usually I am strong person and brush off rude people. I don't get negative comments as most people have been supportive and are pleased I am doing well after I hit rock bottom and picked myself up again. I felt sad as I actually wanted to date this man but kept him as a friend as there were red flags in the past. I realise he will never be able to provide the emotional support I need to achieve my goals because if he isn't happy he isn't achieving his then he won't want you to achieve yours.

Has anyone else encountered bitterness and negativity whilst trying to progress? What is the best way for me to move forward? I just want to shake off this comment. Thanks.

I don't see "typical Angel" as a positive comment. Its a great thing you're doing to focus on your goals. And it does not come across as encouraging or that he's happy for you.

I've had men use the same term "typical peach"  and usually its with regard to something they dislike about me. 

Therefore i disagree with some of the other posts on here.

I have encountered bitterness and jealously from so called "friends". So now i don't talk to them about work related things or much at all to be honest. Some i stopped talking to altogether. 

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by peach302

[d0nnivain]

54 minutes ago, Angel29 said:

I think he wound me up because every time I ask how he is he purposely avoids the question. I don’t see the point in friends who won’t open up, I might as well be friends with a brick wall.

So you know this about him.  Stop seeing him as a source of anything.  Be polite when you need to deal with him.  Otherwise don't count him among your trusted support system.  I have tons of acquaintances.  I am blessed with many friends but there is a BIG difference between the two.  I only have a few people who I turn to when I need support.  So when you don't get support from everyone that is OK.  Not everybody can be your person.  Just be superficial with him.   Brick walls aren't that terrible.  You can lean against them for support; sometimes they provide shade & you can play a fun game of handball.  Just understand the limitations & proceed accordingly.  

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, Angel29 said:

Has anyone else encountered bitterness and negativity whilst trying to progress? What is the best way for me to move forward? I just want to shake off this comment. Thanks.

Yes of course.  Not everyone around you likes to see you progress, because it shines a mirror in front of them and reminds them of their own lack of progress.  They want you to stay on their level and when they see you elevating it causes resentment.

That bitterness is unavoidable, but the ones that really love you will be happy and supportive no matter what.

[smackie9]

Sharing the same bad luck/sad stories/ both struggling with a potential suitor is not compatibility.....You are the company you keep. "OH we are sharing the same crappy life stories....a match made in heaven." NO! You find and keep people who are doing good/influencers of positivity...those are the people that will pick you up, and support you...the strong, the happy.....then you will flourish. People like him are boat anchors, cut the chain and toss him overboard.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Angel29 said:

I think he wound me up because every time I ask how he is he purposely avoids the question. I don’t see the point in friends who won’t open up, I might as well be friends with a brick wall.

This is your cue to stop replying to him, then.

[ShyViolet]

Is that all he said, "typical Angel"?  Literally two words?  Wow, you are putting a lot of meaning into those two little words.  It's very cryptic and I'm not even quite sure what it meant.  It could mean a lot of things.  Why does this guy's comment get to you so much anyway?  This is a guy who you were interested in but decided not to date because there were already "red flags."  It doesn't sound like you know this guy that well or that he is a close friend or anything.  So why are you putting so much stock into a tiny comment that he made?  You need to be more thick-skinned and just brush it off.  If you don't like the way this guy communicates with you then just stop talking to him.

[Maldives]

15 hours ago, Angel29 said:

About 3 years ago I was working in a stressful job with no management support after asking for help. I caught a virus as my immune system had got low due to stress. I was pressurised to go back when I had not recovered and as my body had not healed I had lots of health issues and had to go off sick twice and then got sacked.

I decided to change careers as I want to enjoy my career. I have been studying on various college courses to help me get to my goal whilst at the same time still being trying to sort out my physical health issues which are finally resolving.

Last year on one of the courses I met a man who had been in a similar situation with a stressful job and he got a payout from his old employer and he was changing careers too. He ended up going on to a teaching course in September. A few weeks ago he sent me a message asking how I was coping with the current pandemic situation, I said I am focusing on my goals as I have other ones to pursue. I didn't really want to tell him about my health issues had got worse and that my Grandad had, had a fall. I asked him the same and got no reply.

A week later he messaged in response to the goals message saying "Typical Angel". I was shocked, he knew I had health issues before and stressful job and I was trying to change my life for the better. He assumes I have had it easy. He seems bitter as I don't think he will be passing his teaching course this year and will have to go back in September to finish to do his placement.

Usually I am strong person and brush off rude people. I don't get negative comments as most people have been supportive and are pleased I am doing well after I hit rock bottom and picked myself up again. I felt sad as I actually wanted to date this man but kept him as a friend as there were red flags in the past. I realise he will never be able to provide the emotional support I need to achieve my goals because if he isn't happy he isn't achieving his then he won't want you to achieve yours.

Has anyone else encountered bitterness and negativity whilst trying to progress? What is the best way for me to move forward? I just want to shake off this comment. Thanks.

Not a good sign sweetie. Re your job funny I'm going through something like that now and recognise what's going on so I have been proactive looking for a better more suitable job. Not easy. I'm in a dilemma because where I'm at the pay is about to go up significantly. Health is your wealth so I'm going wth that as long as I can find something sustainable haha as have a mortgage I'm out. Re this guy sounds like jealousy. No one's perfect but it's a lil too early on in the piece 

[Versacehottie]

Hi Angel, I agree with those that said you may have totally read into "Typical Angel" commented totally wrong.  You took it to mean something bad because you are hyperfocused on being validated by people, especially guys that were at one point dating prospects....in your mind or in actual fact.

Two things:

I am hypercurious (lol) as to why you would put this in the dating section?  Why do you keep doing this to yourself?  The fact that you placed this thread into dating and weight his comment so much, as well as expect "support" from him kind of is like the other guys who have been on the fringes of your life.  You see them as boyfriends almost when they barely hold a friend or acquaintance role in your world.  You need to really learn to differentiate that.  This is the kind of stuff that is holding you back from that better life.  

#2: if you are trying to better your life, what you wrote below is EXACTLY what you should do;

On 2/7/2021 at 3:50 AM, Angel29 said:

Usually I am strong person and brush off rude people. I don't get negative comments as most people have been supportive and are pleased I am doing well after I hit rock bottom and picked myself up again.

I wouldn't necessarily characterize what he said as rude, nor would I be expecting "support" from this sort of person.  It's almost not reality-based that you would TBH.  BUT regardless, your normal solution, quoted and bolded above, is exactly what you should do.  Someone with a "better" life would just move on and realize this guy doesn't have a place in it--at least in this capacity.  You can create a better life by choosing to say NO to stuff that doesn't work for you and doesn't support you and seeking out what does.  Also not to get stuck (which has been a theme for you in the past) when those in your life in an auxiliary way can't give you what you want and need.  I think as an outsider observer you expect more from this guy than is in his job description in your life but you just don't realize it fully.  Let this occurrence serve as a wakeup call. And keep it moving.  

I think in general you might always have to take active steps from being a doormat (sorry!)....If I believe your account to be factual as you presented it, then you gave too much to someone who didn't warrant it and doesn't value it.  If I believe that you were a little delusional with both the nature of the relationship and the support you should have received, then you ALSO need to protect yourself.  It all comes back to self-value, self-worth, self-esteem....and that I think you need more REAL relationships that serve your purposes in your life rather than trying to make something of these ones that isn't what these "friends" or guys are signing up for.  You don't force those needs on them--you should keep searching for someone who can fulfill them.  Also you need to bolster up your self-esteem so you are not missing opportunities by your conduct when you do run into a potential person for you.  Good luck

Edited February 8, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Angel29]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

This is the kind of stuff that is holding you back from that better life.  

#2: if you are trying to better your life, what you wrote below is EXACTLY what you should do;

I think in general you might always have to take active steps from being a doormat (sorry!)....If I believe your account to be factual as you presented it, then you gave too much to someone who didn't warrant it and doesn't value it.  If I believe that you were a little delusional with both the nature of the relationship and the support you should have received, then you ALSO need to protect yourself.  It all comes back to self-value, self-worth, self-esteem....and that I think you need more REAL relationships that serve your purposes in your life rather than trying to make something of these ones that isn't what these "friends" or guys are signing up for.  You don't force those needs on them--you should keep searching for someone who can fulfill them.  Also you need to bolster up your self-esteem so you are not missing opportunities by your conduct when you do run into a potential person for you.  Good luck

I think I got upset is the fact I treat people with respect and am kind and when it people are rude to me I cannot understand why people do it as I don't do it to them. It's rare that people are rude to me.

I do agree with you, don't let other people's insults affect my self worth.

He has absolutely no capacity to love and treat me with the respect I deserve. I don't contact him, he contacts me and I don't want him contacting me. I deserve better than him.

When he asks for my support I give it to him but when it is on the rare occasion I need support he ignores me or makes a sarcastic remark.

I think lockdown does not help, usually I would go away or meet with friends but being stuck in one place allows you to ruminate.

I need to work on my self esteem and start working toward friendships with people who have the qualities that are admirable, not some toxic guy whose life is a mess.

Thanks for your advice.

[Versacehottie]

I think one thing that would help you is to hold back the "support" (by which I think you mean a good friend/good listener/shoulder to lean on) until someone earns that place in your life.  Girl,you don't have enough time if you are making a better life for yourself and you don't want to risk your self esteem progress to dole out this "support" to people that haven't earned it.  

If you have the self-esteem INTERNALLY rather than trying to get it through other people's validation of you (or hope that they will reciprocate what you've given them and what you need), you won't really waste time on people that cannot and don't give you what is a reasonable expectation from them.  You won't spin your wheels or direct your effort that way.  So try to think of it like that.  I think you, in part, struggle how to figure out the self-esteem part and it's something that happens internally (not externally).   You can start by drawing a boundary.  Even for you, I think something that is very concrete rather than the vague concept of self-esteem will help.  Such as "I'm only going to talk about subjects A,B,C with him"; "I'm going to let him know what has been going on with me on a more surface & social level and make a list of those things and in the way that you want to be seen".  (most people are multi-dimensional but perhaps by only discussing your problems and listening to his that's all you are seen as, the shoulder to lean on); "i'm going to give him 15 minutes of time and then move on with my day"; "I'm going to make sure we talk about positive things that add joy to my life & that I'm excited about".   The time frame one is a good one, because it shows that you have other things going on.  

BTW, I don't want to ignore the fact that perhaps the guy is just a sarcastic person.  There is some level of which we can't want people to be something they are not.  You might want support but are almost seeking it from the wrong person and in the wrong way.   I also would question that he was a reasonable person to have any expectations of.  You kind of did not really address why you are treating this as a "dating" or romantic vibe to it (due to where you placed the thread and what you are expecting from him in terms of support is more along the lines of a boyfriend or great platonic friend and I don't see any evidence that he ever was either of those things--maybe in your mind or hopes--but I don't even think he would understand that you feel these are his obligations; I'm sure he thinks you are casual friends.)

Work on boundaries.  I think it also comes through in your tone that you are a very nice person, which perhaps/most likely people take for granted.  Sometimes that will require a new set of people and a changed attitude from you.  But for the meantime, you can try to change the way you interact with those already in your life.  At first they probably won't like it and will try to resist and keep the status quo, because it serves their needs and their pattern with you.   But I think this sort of stuff will help the most.  You need to do the specific concrete things. I think saying self-esteem is a nice sentiment but try to pinpoint what that would be exactly and then start doing it.  You might feel more lonely for a while and that it's not working; I think unless you get specific, you will be going too slow.  And then hopefully some of this stuff with guys that are not really boyfriends in your life won't take over huge chunks of your life.  You have to minimize their importance to what it really is and grounded in reality.  Good luck

[peach302]

2 hours ago, Angel29 said:

I think I got upset is the fact I treat people with respect and am kind and when it people are rude to me I cannot understand why people do it as I don't do it to them. It's rare that people are rude to me.

I do agree with you, don't let other people's insults affect my self worth.

He has absolutely no capacity to love and treat me with the respect I deserve. I don't contact him, he contacts me and I don't want him contacting me. I deserve better than him.

When he asks for my support I give it to him but when it is on the rare occasion I need support he ignores me or makes a sarcastic remark.

I think lockdown does not help, usually I would go away or meet with friends but being stuck in one place allows you to ruminate.

I need to work on my self esteem and start working toward friendships with people who have the qualities that are admirable, not some toxic guy whose life is a mess.

Thanks for your advice.

You shouldn't even care this much about what he says or does. But i do stand by what i said earlier in that his comment was bitter/ showing jealousy. 

Just remember hurt people hurt people.

 

[amygirl908]

On 2/7/2021 at 6:50 AM, Angel29 said:

Has anyone else encountered bitterness and negativity whilst trying to progress? What is the best way for me to move forward? I just want to shake off this comment. Thanks.

Bitterness and negativity are everywhere it's how you choose to handle and react to it... that's what matters. 

Now I initially was rubbed the wrong way by his response and agree it could also be harmless, but TBH who cares?! I know you have a history with this guy but based on your story he seems like he's a small insignificant part of your life. Just let it go and get onto your next goal. This isn't something you should let hold you back.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, amygirl908 said:

Bitterness and negativity are everywhere it's how you choose to handle and react to it... that's what matters. 

Now I initially was rubbed the wrong way by his response and agree it could also be harmless, but TBH who cares?! I know you have a history with this guy but based on your story he seems like he's a small insignificant part of your life. Just let it go and get onto your next goal. This isn't something you should let hold you back.

Bolded is absolutely 100% true.  It's totally that thing of whether a person sees the glass half full or half empty. A person will find what they seek.  REPEAT again: a person will find what they seek.  A person in a bad mood or a pessimistic or depressive/cynical or negative person or one that is looking to be filled up by outside people, will hear or see things that a person in a good mood, an optimist or person with happiness and gratitude does not see or experience and vice versa.  It's literally the filter through which people live their lives.

Such as the statement "typical Angel" could be a negative comment like you interpreted it, meaning the person pretty much only sees a long list of faults you have pointed out or they have noticed and your latest is just another thing to add to that list through their filter regardless of how neutral it might have been OR the other emotional choices they could have used in response to that new information. OR it could just be an expression of how he is in a more neutral type of response, ie if he always gives sarcastic remarks (although that's a negative basis on how you are interpreting him kind of) or if it's just an acknowledgement that you've added to the list about yourself with another line item that's a lot like the others he knows and the statement is neutral.  OR on a positive interpretation, it could mean that this is a guy who is very familiar with your life and similar events; it could be seen as slightly affectionate, caring, a closeness between you two.  So it really depends on which filter you choose to use through life.  If you keep bumping up against people that no matter what positive filter you put on, that bring negativity your way and bring you down and you don't want to live like that, then the solution is to reduce exposure to the person or even stop having them in your life.

Off this topic a little, it lets you know this guy has a limit.  "typical angel" is kind of a summation type statement.  Doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't willing to go into it further.  But it does show he has limits of his own (my guess off just one statement without the context of other words)--which is something you should be cognizant of OP.  Secondly, just talking facts and not really vibes, if the information you told him was an additional piece of information that is another bad thing that has happened to you, just factually it is a pattern that he's picked up on and noting that it's "same as before/usual."  I think the danger with people who like to bond over negative events for any reason is that you become the person people come to when there is a problem, for more leaning on your shoulder and not other dimensions AND it is how you are viewed and perceived.  I think in one way, you might have done that initially as an "IN" to get/feel closer to this guy but now it's got you more of the same and only that. You listen his problems, you guys bond (somewhat) over the negative events in each other's lives.   Perhaps when his life is going well or when he doesn't have much patience for listening, you get the short answer, like you did or he continues to see it through the lens of the previous negativity.

To be 100% fair, most of the guy friends I have, care but they don't show it in the same way girls do.  Thus in depth/"supportive" conversations are very unlike those with your girlfriends IMO.  Guys will wade into the conversation cautiously or sometimes even cluelessly not knowing that you would like more feedback.  If you want their opinion on YOUR situation, in my experience, you have to ask direct questions asking for their opinion.  Many guys are conditioned in a friend environment, to talk about themselves and then if the other guys they are around at that moment have something to say, they speak up about themselves.  Watch any guy group and you will see that much more often than in a girl group.  Also there is a significant difference in my experience at how a guy who is a friend reacts vs how a boyfriend reacts.  Again, perhaps you are expecting boyfriend coddling when he is not your boyfriend. Also if it's a problem where you wanted to talk about feelings, etc, in my experience guys are much more action-oriented--in that, if you tell them about a problem, they will want to offer solutions or talk about the hard facts of the event so solutions can be considered or a fix made vs how you feel about it.  Wired differently.