zenmama2 Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 Firstly, this site is so helpful. I love the straight-up relationship advice, as I'm new to dating. So thank you in advance! Background: My divorce is newly final after 2 years of untangling. I signed papers yesterday. I have a career I love but am back in school so I can find a job that makes more money. I'm financially secure and a mom to two teen kids. I'm not sure I ever want to get married again, but I do want a connected relationship with someone. But, my life is up in the air right now. My marriage was codependent and I was the people pleaser. My entire identity was wrapped up in my ex, so I'm learning who I am after 21 years of marriage. My emotions are all over the place: sometimes I'm elated with the hope I feel for my future. Other times, I feel intense dread. Like I made a huge mistake. My ex has moved on and has been in a relationship for 8 months. I feel like I'm "losing" and it makes me insecure. My ex was always competitive with me and enjoyed it when I failed, as it fed his hero instinct to "take care" of me. Terrible dynamic. Rationally, I know that I have life rebuilding to do before I get into something serious. Covid makes it all more challenging, as I'm highly social. I have many friends who I see, I have hobbies that I do alone, and I've got a few solo trips and trips with my kids coming up. But I miss male companionship. And sex is really important to me. My first priority right now is building my identity, spending time with my kids, pursing career goals, buying my own home, and spending time pursuing hobbies that I neglected during my marriage. I think in typing this I'm answering my own question.... Situation: Three months ago met a guy while online dating who pursued me a great deal. I wasn't that interested in the beginning, but I started to see his great qualities. He's very positive, committed to his work and health, family oriented and communicative. I decided to give him a chance to see if my feelings grew over time. In the beginning, we spent a lot of time together and my feelings grew a bit. I only like to have a sexual relationship within a committed relationship and he feels the same way. He asked me if we could be exclusive and I agreed. We have a lot in common, so time with him felt easy. My feelings for him began to deepen further. There are a few red flags that bother me. He criticizes my dogs and seems annoyed by the way they smell. (Lol) He's very self critical and this spills over into judgement of me. My ex did this too. It was insidious and not overt, but an underlying judgement of my fitness level, cleanliness, etc. Or, this very well could be me projecting my insecurities about my dogs, fitness level, house... it probably is. These are the areas of my life that I'm working on. We spent a lot of time together in the beginning and became physically intimate. I began to enjoy this time with him, but he communicates insecurities about his performance frequently. I think he's GREAT in bed and was very fufilled. I told him this and we had a good sex life from my perspective. He wasn't able to "finish" and is very insecure. From my end, I tried to make it no big deal (it isn't to me, but it is to him) and just focus on making him and myself happy in bed. It didn't really seem to help him though. Also, I had a small health issue that resolved but impacted our sex life. During that time, I told him I wasn't feeling a sexual connection while the health issue was going on. I'm better now, but we haven't gotten the intimacy back. Last weekend, we spent both nights together and didn't even make out or kiss really. I tried a few times to come onto him, but he pulled away. I expressed that this concerned me. He came over with flowers and food and we had a cozy night here at my house watching tv. He fell asleep on my lap and communicated that he is really into me. But then complained that my couch smells like dog (it does and it bothers me too but I'm not replacing it until I get my new house). Then he said he loves how comfortable we are together. He said he doesn't want me to think he's not interested because he very much is. This weekend, we have no plans and there is no plan for the future. Overall, I'm feeling like both of our insecurities are making the relationship a challenge. I'm no longer interested in exclusivity. Right now, I need to focus on healing my own issues and don't have a lot to give to someone else's insecurities. I'm trying hard not to fall into the role of people pleasing and hiding my own needs to make someone else feel better. It didn't work in my marriage and it won't work in the future. I'd like to see other people. I love dating and meeting new guys. I want to find a relationship that feels fulfilling and easy for both partners. This is starting to feel like too much work too early. Questions: 1. How do I proceed with this man? I don't want to be exclusive anymore. I feel this is holding me back. I gave it a chance and I'm no longer interested. However, I do care for him. He is a caring and moral guy with a ton to offer. But I know he isn't my guy. What do I say? It will hurt him and I hate that. How do you break up with someone who is great, just not great right now or for me? 2. How do you date casually? I like it! It's fun, but it seems like things at my age (44) get serious quickly. Then, if things don't work out, it's a conversation that needs to happen about ending things. How do I do this gracefully and maturely while respecting the person I'm dating and honoring my own feelings at the same time? Please be brutally honest.
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 If you don't to be exclusive any more understand this may cause him to break up with you if he wants exclusive. Exclusivity is a genie you can't put back in the bottle. You date casually by dating multiple people & not committing to any of them. You may need to play the field for a while since the rest of your life is so up in the air. 1 1
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 1 hour ago, zenmama2 said: 1. How do I proceed with this man? I don't want to be exclusive anymore. I feel this is holding me back. I gave it a chance and I'm no longer interested. However, I do care for him. He is a caring and moral guy with a ton to offer. But I know he isn't my guy. What do I say? It will hurt him and I hate that. How do you break up with someone who is great, just not great right now or for me? 2. How do you date casually? I like it! It's fun, but it seems like things at my age (44) get serious quickly. Then, if things don't work out, it's a conversation that needs to happen about ending things. How do I do this gracefully and maturely while respecting the person I'm dating and honoring my own feelings at the same time? 1. I am glad you decided to break it. Simply be kind and tell him you had a great time but you're not feeling it anymore. It happens a lot when we date, you won't be his first or his last. Do not offer friendship, it's better for him as he's being dumped. He will be fine he's a grown up man. 2. You get yourself online and put yourself in the category 'casual dating'. Plenty of men look for casual dating with nothing serious. Express how you see it in your profile. 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 2 hours ago, zenmama2 said: My first priority right now is building my identity, spending time with my kids, pursing career goals, buying my own home, and spending time pursuing hobbies that I neglected during my marriage. Excellent. Date casually. Don't tie yourself down especially after a long marriage and very recent divorce. Feel life out for yourself a while, including dating different men to see what fits now. 1
spiderowl Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 You need to end things with him, just say that you are not feeling the same and now that you are free you'd like to explore the world out there. With regard to casual relationships, it's all very well saying you don't want anything serious but do you really want something casual either? Casual probably means the guy is in it only for sex. Do you want someone who is only looking to relieve a physical need? If you think you can handle that, then there are plenty of guys looking for casual sex. Just make sure you are covered by using a condom. You don't want to end up with an STD as well. 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 After a divorce, you usually go through a rebound period and are not ready to fall in love for awhile.... years perhaps. (Let me know how long you were married and I can tell you.) Often you'll have rebound relationship(s) during this time. This man is a rebound guy. This is where you are now. If you want to let him down easier, depending on your morals, you can tell him you are getting back with your ex. With any luck, your boyfriend will see you as taken and lose interest. 1
Author zenmama2 Posted February 19, 2021 Author Posted February 19, 2021 I was married for 21 years. Unhappily for 8 of those years. There’s no way I’d get back with my ex. So, I can’t tell the current guy that. I’ve decided to tell him I need time on my own to build my new identity. That’s the truth. For casual dating, I really don’t know how to do it. I guess it will be a process. For now, I’ll focus on friends and family. Thanks to all who commented! I appreciate it. 1
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 Your current guy seems like the monogamous type so I doubt he will be able to accept the FWB back in your life or a series of casual lovers. Ending it is probably the best idea. Saying you want casual as a woman, can be problematic, it can mean letting a whole lot of unsavoury, all about sex men into your life. Men who will objectify you and not care a damn, disrespect you and treat you badly. Once men put you into the casual box, you tend to stay there forever. So be careful with that label. 1 1
central Posted February 19, 2021 Posted February 19, 2021 On 2/6/2021 at 9:39 AM, d0nnivain said: If you don't to be exclusive any more understand this may cause him to break up with you if he wants exclusive. Exclusivity is a genie you can't put back in the bottle. You date casually by dating multiple people & not committing to any of them. You may need to play the field for a while since the rest of your life is so up in the air. This is usually true. However, many people have had an exclusive/monogamous relationship and later opened it up in some way. Those include swinging (together or separately), a truly open relationship, and polyamory. Some eventually return to an exclusive/monogamous relationship as well. In your case OP, you aren't ready to be exclusive, so accept that and also accept that it may mean your current bf may not be okay with that. However, he may not be a loss if he moves on. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 You could tell him you need a break. Idk. It’s kind of difficult to walk a relationship back like this and rarely goes over well with the other person. You should probably break up with him and casually date with new people. Or just date someone new. You’re not feeling it.
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