Still not over first love after 2 years

[dsho29]

Well I guess this is the point I've come to. Sharing the story of getting dumped by my first love to the strangers of the internet to seek their holy wisdoms. I have to track back about 7-8 years to bring this up to speed so I will try to not allow this to be too long of a read, although I can't make any promises.

 I live on the west coast of Canada and she lives in Central USA. We met on YouTube of all places because as a teen I had a small channel that I ran and her younger brother watched my videos. At this point we first started messaging back and forward on Facebook throughout the rest of our teens. We had confessed we had feelings for each other at a couple different points during this time, but in the end, I told her that it'd be best to just stay friends.

By the time I started to enter my 20's is when our contact had petered off for a time. She had found herself a boyfriend by then so we had sort of gone our own separate ways with the occasional exchange of conversation here and there. That is until around the Autumn of when I was 21 and she was 19 turning 20 soon. She had reached out to me as she normally did from time to time. Only something for some reason was different about this time. We hit it off and we started talking super often like how we once did when we had first met about 6 years ago.

Over the next few months we had bonded quite a lot. We'd call each other everyday and even on somedays our calls would reach upwards of 9-10 hours. Looking back, I can speak for myself in my case, I bonded too much. I had made the mistake of making her the top priority in my life to the point where I was creating a great weakness in myself. Looking back now, this had created a deep root for my depression. However, we would eventually plan a trip for me to come down to visit her for a week. We had agreed that as much as we were interested in each other that it'd be best to wait until we met in person before deciding to make anything official. Unfortunately, around the time of May is when things start taking a turn for the worst.

She had just started a new job for the Summer and that's when a new guy had come into the picture. Now, this guy had bad news written all over him from what I could sense, which is why at first, she wanted nothing to do with him when he'd try to text her. But coincidentally, they ended up at the same job together. Eventually she caved and decided to hang out with him after he had made several attempts. This is when the red flags started happening and you can probably imagine where this is going.

It was then at this same time where my friend (s/o) had just heard news that somebody from her high school graduation class had passed away. She really shut down after hearing this news. So much so, that she more-or-less started shutting me out. And while she was closing me out, she was getting closer to this new guy friend who she made. More red flags, obviously. In hind sight, I feel like her grad classmate's passing might've been a cop out for her as she had clearly lost attraction for me. Clearly I was beginning to be replaced by someone else. The best thing for me at this time would've been to call off the trip out of respect for my own feelings, which were very much being crushed. My next mistake was going on the trip anyways, which as you'd probably guess, inevitably lead to heartbreak. She told me while I was there that "things will probably never go to the way they were before (between her and I)"

Again, I had made several mistakes through this sequence of events. Ignoring red flags, choosing her feelings over mine when her classmate passed away, despite being pushed away (too needy/clingy). But most of all, being weak and spineless. This moment in my life is the most vulnerable I had ever been and I got burned for it. And in the end, while we never did officially date, the fact that she dropped me then replaced with someone else left feeling emotionally cheated on. So I had decided to take it upon myself to begin, what I wasn't aware of at the time was called No-Contact. I seriously didn't know that No-Contact was a thing. So my attempt at it has been poor and many of it's rules I have broken even to this day. As a result, 2.5 years have gone by and there's still a part of me that hasn't gotten over her. Sure I have forgiven her, but I still have feelings for her that I try to take my mind off of with other things, activities, travel (obviously not right now), etc.

In between that time is the occasional conversation here and there (with drama included, which I did not include because that would make this post way too long) with several no-contact breaks in-between anywhere from a month to about six months or more. She basically initiates most of the time. Now come present day and this is how our last conversations have gone:

She initiates by sending me a scenic picture taken from somewhere in my province. She also asks how Canada is doing during the pandemic. We continue to converse. The conversation eventually changes to a different subject which would allow me to find out that she is currently dating someone new. Therefore, she is talking to me with most likely the intention of friendship in mind. Conversation goes through a couple other topics, just catching up at this point.

Our second-to-last conversation (about 9 months ago) went along the lines of her asking me to play Red Dead Redemption 2 with her. Knowing she has a boyfriend at this time, I didn't tell her outright no, but instead I dodged the question by giving some excuses like telling her that I don't have enough storage on my Xbox to install that big of a game. which she offered to buy me an external hard drive just so that I can play the game with her, even though she's a university student with student debt and she needs to work two jobs to pay for rent. She was really persistent about it, gave her own excuses as to why she wanted me to play with her. A couple red flags popped for me. First was that she was very persistent on getting me to play the game with her I'm guessing as an excuse to talk to me, even though she had her roommate who she could play with instead. She also mentioned that she was feeling lonely, even though she had a boyfriend, and I certainly didn't want to be used in that way. After dodging for a bit she eventually confronted me about it, at which point I just chose to come clean. I told her that I still had feelings for her, but was aware that she had a boyfriend, so I was on the defensive.

This was her response, paraphrased: "I respect and thank you for being honest about that. I would like if at some point you'd be open to being friends, but I can respect if you're not interested. I don't have feelings for you anymore. I've screwed you over enough to where I don't think I could even if I wanted to. I do, however; have feelings for you as a friend." She goes on a little more to explain how she's become friends with other guys basically as a way to persuade me to be her friend is my gut feeling.

To which I told her that we're not on the same page her and I respectfully declined her offer. I ended the conversation there.

The last time she contacted me was out of the blue about a month and a half ago to bring up a fond memory that her and I shared. Short conversation, but she was clearly feeling nostalgic in that moment. But this instant and several other moments since our falling out from 2 years ago, which again sorry I haven't included, supports evidence on a few things possibly going on in her mind: 1) she may be playing games with me/messing with me. 2) she's not being entirely truthful when she says she doesn't have feelings for me. 3) she's trying to keep tabs on me/misses me.

I apologize for not including full context that could paint a more fuller picture, again to do that would make this post too long. There are certain actions that contradict some of her words. The take away, however; is that I'm struggling to move on due to my own attachment I've developed. I just want more clarity and on what could possibly being going on in her mind.

As I finish writing this I feel hesitant on submitting this post. Taking the time to put this out into words on a screen allows me to see this situation through a different lens. I hate to admit it, but I can see that I have a lot of moments of mental immaturity throughout. And I can already imagine what a lot of the feedback/input is going to look like, but in any case, I appreciate for those of you who took your time to read and allowing me to vent.

Cheers.

[Brooke02]

If you’re still not over her it’s because you are not doing N/C. How can you heal if she keeps sending messages?  Start thinking about should yourself now and let go. Block, heal & work on yourself so you can find a good relationship. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Brooke02

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, dsho29 said:

, this had created a deep root for my depression. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you work or go to school? Do you live alone or with parents or roommates?

Hopefully you are moving forward with your work, interests hobbies friends and family.

The best way to stop ruminating is to get evaluated by a physician for the moods and depression. Also get ongoing support from Cognative Behavioral Therapy. 

That way you'll stop blaming the past for your current depression.

[dsho29]

On 2/7/2021 at 3:53 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you work or go to school? Do you live alone or with parents or roommates?

Hopefully you are moving forward with your work, interests hobbies friends and family.

The best way to stop ruminating is to get evaluated by a physician for the moods and depression. Also get ongoing support from Cognative Behavioral Therapy. 

That way you'll stop blaming the past for your current depression.

I have a job that I’ve been working for the past decade. I live alone, just myself and my cat.