What does it mean when a guy says 'I want to see where things go'

[Menara]

To ride on this conversation with my own experience, I think an interesting point has been raised about sexual exclusivity vs committed long term relationship. I'm actual facing this dilemma right now. I've been seeing this guys for over 6 weeks (about 12 dates, and he is often sleeping over). I posted about him a few weeks ago. The "farmer" haha. I would say I'm like my friend in the sense that I do wish to have a long-term relationship somewhere down the road, but I want this to be with "the right person", especially after my recent experiences of rushing into things which taught me to be a bit more cautious.

Anyway, this guy has a lot going on (he's been separated from his ex for 3 years (also never married) but they are still sharing a house because she wants him to pay through the nose to get her out. Long story, but they're debating the whole thing with lawyers and it might possibly go to Court! He was pretty clear from the start (because I always ask what the expectations are) that he would like another relationship, but things are complicated at the moment. We've been having a pretty amazing time every time we saw each other, but I am aware that this will likely be "casual" for a while with potential for more or not. For this reason, I had continued seeing this other guy who I have been having a FWB relationship with for the past 7-8 months (we would see each other maybe 2-3 times per month). But this guy, the "farmer" started asking to see each other more frequently. It started off with once a week, then twice a week then three times a week. 

Anyway, sorry for rambling: I'll get to the point. So, I'm happy to see him 3 times per week, but I do feel that this is stepping things up to another level. Seeing someone three times per week is a big time commitment for both parties, and doesn't leave much room to be seeing anyone else (I have two kids, so 3 days per week is almost all my free time). I was thinking of bringing up to him that if he wants to see me with that frequency, although given his situation and how little we've know each other, obviously things are not in relationship territory, that perhaps we could agree to be sexually exclusive. I also kind of hate condoms and have been on the pill, but given multiple partners obviously have been very cautious using protection. 

So, just wondering if this question would make him freak out? Or how should it be properly phrased?

Edited February 6, 2021 by Menara

[Emilyinroses]

4 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

You must understand men don't like commitment or being tied down it's just not in our nature 

Not in the nature of the emotionally unavailable ones you mean.

[Gaeta]

@Versacehottie We agree on a lot of things. I think I may just need to spend more time expressing my thought process. You read my post and interpreted it as 'making' a man commit and it's nothing like that, it's about finding a compatible dater who sees dating the way you do and handles it the way you do. My post was also about expressing to your date what type of dater  you are so it's clear to them you will not date 3 months without exclusivity. It's not about making them do something they don't want or are not ready to, it's about showing your color and the guy is on board or not. 

[Emilyinroses]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Versacehottie We agree on a lot of things. I think I may just need to spend more time expressing my thought process. You read my post and interpreted it as 'making' a man commit and it's nothing like that, it's about finding a compatible dater who sees dating the way you do and handles it the way you do. My post was also about expressing to your date what type of dater  you are so it's clear to them you will not date 3 months without exclusivity. It's not about making them do something they don't want or are not ready to, it's about showing your color and the guy is on board or not. 

I think no one expects that the guy has to or wants to commit after 4 dates. I don’t think that’s the point although some people in here made it look like it was.

I think the point is the way he expressed himself to her. 

He basically lift a wall between them and left no room for a conversation. 

That leads me to think he knows very well he does not want anything serious with her and just doesn’t want to tell her that because he is enjoying the sex and attention.

Let’s see when the lockdown ends if he keeps around or if she was just a lockdown distraction to entertain him.

Anyway, the lockdown is no excuse to bring someone too soon inside your house. Go for walks, go have coffee at the park, go on a bike ride, etc. Just use criativity.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Menara said:

although given his situation and how little we've know each other, obviously things are not in relationship territory, that perhaps we could agree to be sexually exclusive. I also kind of hate condoms and have been on the pill, but given multiple partners obviously have been very cautious using protection. 

So, just wondering if this question would make him freak out? Or how should it be properly phrased?

He's the one asking for more time, 3 times a week is starting to be considerate time,  so I doubt it's important for him to have sex with other women at this point. If you do not want to use protection yes ask for exclusivity and go get tested together before you drop preservatives. Him using condoms doesn't mean he's not carrying something from 20 years ago or you are not carrying something from 20 years ago. 

Why women are afraid of asking for the right thing? It's your body, you are entitled to ask for exclusivity. You mean for the past 7 months he had sex with other women, gave them oral sex, then happily ride to your home and kissed you on the mouth? Sorry for being graphic but this might help you understand sexual exclusivity is important. 

[Emilyinroses]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He's the one asking for more time, 3 times a week is starting to be considerate time,  so I doubt it's important for him to have sex with other women at this point. If you do not want to use protection yes ask for exclusivity and go get tested together before you drop preservatives. Him using condoms doesn't mean he's not carrying something from 20 years ago or you are not carrying something from 20 years ago. 

Why women are afraid of asking for the right thing? It's your body, you are entitled to ask for exclusivity. You mean for the past 7 months he had sex with other women, gave them oral sex, then happily ride to your home and kissed you on the mouth? Sorry for being graphic but this might help you understand sexual exclusivity is important. 

Of course it is important.

And it amazes me how easily some women get naked and have the most intimate act you can possibly have with another human being and then do not have the courage to have same amount of emotional intimacy and speak openly.

If more women did that, they wouldn’t  complain much about being played.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

@Versacehottie We agree on a lot of things. I think I may just need to spend more time expressing my thought process. You read my post and interpreted it as 'making' a man commit and it's nothing like that, it's about finding a compatible dater who sees dating the way you do and handles it the way you do. My post was also about expressing to your date what type of dater  you are so it's clear to them you will not date 3 months without exclusivity. It's not about making them do something they don't want or are not ready to, it's about showing your color and the guy is on board or not. 

True, we agree on very many things 😉

A compatible dater as you put it above is much like I said with people from like-minded groups getting together as far as their dating process.  

Regarding the bolded there are more than one way to do this without just stating it.  I think we are on the same page if you mean you are still deciding if they are worthy of dating.  But if women state that up front and then just wait as if their minds are already made up about the guy in a good way, the vibe will definitely color the outcome, so it's hard to separate it.  Sometimes what these guys will get is a 3 month girlfriend which might be exactly what they are looking for and exactly what the type of girls---who state these things up front AS IF it mitigates the risk they will encounter by dating at all---hope to avoid.

Who wants lip service?

I rarely say anything in ABSOLUTES but everyone means "with the right person" when they find themselves in a relationship.  They may cut it off after date one (haha even before date 1!), after date 15, or after date 300.  The wording used is actually usually: "i don't think we are right for each other" or some version of that.

I think (IMO) a statement up front colors the relationship; as well as standing by patiently waiting for months on end in the form of a timeframe, etc will color the relationship.  What i'm advocating the most is to change the perspective of rather than waiting to be chosen at ANY point to deciding if you will choose him.  It change the dynamic immensely to be the one deciding if you allow and by how much and under what conditions a person gains entrance into your life.  Taking just "under what conditions" as a timeframe or via compliance to a statement is not best practice way to go about it IMO (that's just to a general statement not an interpretation of what you said, G😊).

Edited February 6, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Menara said:

1. one guy she just realized after a few months dating that she didn't actually like him that much. 

2. another she found out had addiction issues. 

3. another still wasn't fully over his ex.

Unfortunately this seems like a rerun of #3. Perhaps she needs to slow down a bit. She seems to get too involved too fast.

She's going to keep cycling through these types unless she paces herself and screens better .

[peach302]

21 hours ago, Menara said:

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday who, like me, has been in the dating scene. She met a guy recently, and things have been going pretty well from what I understand. They had 4 dates over 3 weeks and he checks in with her every evening, sometimes to chat a bit, sometimes just to say hi, sometimes he'll send her a photo of what he was doing during the day or a selfie. He doesn't usually initiate text conversations during the day (it seems his job is quite demanding, so my take on this was that they guy is busy, and this makes sense!), but if she texts him during the day, he will always reply pretty quickly. He has also been very proactive about setting dates up in advance. 

So, on their four dates, things have gone well. They've had a good time, conversation flows easily, sex is good, and he seems cuddly (he wants to hold hands or cuddle after sex for instance).

Her dilemma starts here: on their last date, as they were all cuddled up she told him that she really enjoyed spending time with him. He replied "I like spending time with you too and I want to see where things go, but I'm not in a rush". This freaked her out as she interpreted it as "he wants things to stay casual". 

So, we started a big discussion on what that means when a guy says "I want to see where things go". My take on this was that after four dates only, it's unrealistic to expect more than "seeing where things go" because you don't really know each other that well at that point. If he had told her that after 6 months, then yes, that would have been a sign that he is reluctant to commit. 

But just wondering what other people think about this? 

 

I would take this as the guy wants to continue with the physical stuff but isn't crazy enough about me to ever want anything  committed.

At that point i would exit. But that's me. Also  i wouldnt have started sleeping with a guy that early either. 

It all depends on what your friend wants.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

 I think we are on the same page if you mean you are still deciding if they are worthy of dating.  

Absolutely! Being exclusive with someone does not mean you qualify him as worthy. It means you have an agreement to concentrate on each other to get to know one another better without outside distraction.  In my last relationship we established exclusivity after 5 dates but it still took me 4 month for me to judge him worthy to meet my parents. 

[Menara]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Of course it is important.

And it amazes me how easily some women get naked and have the most intimate act you can possibly have with another human being and then do not have the courage to have same amount of emotional intimacy and speak openly.

If more women did that, they wouldn’t  complain much about being played.

 

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He's the one asking for more time, 3 times a week is starting to be considerate time,  so I doubt it's important for him to have sex with other women at this point. If you do not want to use protection yes ask for exclusivity and go get tested together before you drop preservatives. Him using condoms doesn't mean he's not carrying something from 20 years ago or you are not carrying something from 20 years ago. 

Why women are afraid of asking for the right thing? It's your body, you are entitled to ask for exclusivity. You mean for the past 7 months he had sex with other women, gave them oral sex, then happily ride to your home and kissed you on the mouth? Sorry for being graphic but this might help you understand sexual exclusivity is important. 

So you are both saying it's not weird asking this? I'm not asking for a relationship commitment as I realize that his situation is messy and he's perhaps not there yet (and this might end before he reaches that point). I'm fine with casual, but would like to be able relax a little bit in that regards and not have to worry every time if the cat brought something in... if you know what I mean. 

But I feel women have this reputation of trying to "trap" men in relationships, so just worried he will interpret this as me asking for things to get "too serious"

[lonelyplanetmoon]

@Versacehottie “self-combust”. LOL omg so funny.

 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Menara said:

So you are both saying it's not weird asking this?

But I feel women have this reputation of trying to "trap" men in relationships, so just worried he will interpret this as me asking for things to get "too serious"

I actually think it's weird you were ok with no sexual-exclusivity for 7 months in 2021 in this hook-up culture. If you don't mind he's having sex with other women then don't ask exclusivity. If you only want to have unprotected sex with him then don't ask for exclusivity and keep on using condoms. You don't have unprotected sex with a fwb or a casual relationship. Your moral-commitment toward each other isn't strong enough to guarantee fidelity. I also think you should not treat a fwb with total intimicy like unprotected sex. 

Plenty of men out there looking forward to be trapped in a relationship with the right woman. You've just been dating the wrong men. 

[sushiandtacos]

10 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

When a man is really into a woman, he makes sure she knows, and very often, from the first date.

She won’t get confused, she won’t need to have ‘the talk’, she won’t come here asking questions.

All the rest is just playing the field ‘and see how it goes’. The ‘see how it goes’ says either:

a) is not going anywhere 

b) maybe we’ll be in a relationship in the future if I don’t find a big love and decide to settle with you

This is just mediocre and ridiculous.

I’m not saying they have to be committed from date one, but no need to say ‘let’s see where this goes I’m in no rush’.

Women like romance and this just killed it. 

I feel like most people forget what the first few dates are for, getting to know each other. It would be point blank weird that a guy would know after a first date he wants to be in a relationship with someone unless he is wants to jump in any relationship for the sake of it.

[princessaurora]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You don't have unprotected sex with a fwb or a casual relationship

I believe in some cases this is not true, especially with fwbs. My fwb did not like condoms so we got tested and then agreed we'd only have sex with each other until one of us got in a relationship. Eventually that happened and we stopped having sex but till then there was sexual exclusivity between us. So as long as both parties can agree to be sexually exclusive and hold true to their word, there is nothing wrong with  having  unprotected sex with an fwb or casual sex partner. 

[peach302]

Just now, princessaurora said:

I believe in some cases this is not true, especially with fwbs. My fwb did not like condoms so we got tested and then agreed we'd only have sex with each other until one of us got in a relationship. Eventually that happened and we stopped having sex but till then there was sexual exclusivity between us. So as long as both parties can agree to be sexually exclusive and hold true to their word, there is nothing wrong with  having  unprotected sex with an fwb or casual sex partner. 

This is naive.

How would you know they're not sleeping around with others.. its not a guarantee and you cant just take someone's word for it.

[Menara]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I actually think it's weird you were ok with no sexual-exclusivity for 7 months in 2021 in this hook-up culture. If you don't mind he's having sex with other women then don't ask exclusivity. If you only want to have unprotected sex with him then don't ask for exclusivity and keep on using condoms. You don't have unprotected sex with a fwb or a casual relationship. Your moral-commitment toward each other isn't strong enough to guarantee fidelity. I also think you should not treat a fwb with total intimicy like unprotected sex. 

Plenty of men out there looking forward to be trapped in a relationship with the right woman. You've just been dating the wrong men. 

Maybe I didn't make this clear. The FWB (A.) I have been seeing for 7 months is not the one I want to have sexual exclusivity with! I had been seeing A that way in the context of being single, and "why not?". But then I met this other guy I was talking about that I'm calling the "farmer" or J. He's the one who has been wanting to see me 3 times a week now (the other one I was seeing only a few times a month). 

So A is a whole different story. He got divorced 5 years ago after he found out his ex cheated on him for the last 10 years. He's a bit damaged and has major trust issues, so hasn't really been able to have a normal relationship since his separation. He's a good friend, and if we stop sleeping together he'll continue being a good friend (we've been through this before). 

Since I met J and seeing him so much, I haven't had much time to see A, and I've realized that I don't actual have the time nor the desire to be keeping up with two regular lovers in my life, if that makes any sense. Plus, I see A as someone that has no relationship potential while J I feel might have potential. It seems to me that he wouldn't make so much time for me in his very busy schedule if he didn't also see potential here. But his situation is quite messy and this might take some time both to sort out and for him to be ready for something more serious, and I'm ok with that. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I'm going to be seeing him three times per week, I need to rearrange my schedule and eliminate A as a lover. I'm ready to take that step if he's ready to accept that this frequency of weekly meetings would ideally be accompanied by an agreement of sexual exclusivity. I actually don't know if he's sleeping with anyone else. We never talked about it. I just assume that he is, I just generally assume that. And given that he is very attractive, he would definitely have no difficulty in that regards, if he were so inclined. 

[Versacehottie]

44 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

@Versacehottie “self-combust”. LOL omg so funny.

 

thanks I try 😂🤪😊😎

[princessaurora]

5 minutes ago, peach302 said:

This is naive.

How would you know they're not sleeping around with others.. its not a guarantee and you cant just take someone's word for it.

It's all about trust. I knew him for quite some time as a friend, and he was very serious about avoiding std's. He made every girl get tested before he would sleep with her. Some guys are just concerned about that as girls are. But I guess in this day and age, especially with OLD, it could be a bit more challenging. 

[peach302]

1 minute ago, princessaurora said:

It's all about trust. I knew him for quite some time as a friend, and he was very serious about avoiding std's. He made every girl get tested before he would sleep with her. Some guys are just concerned about that as girls are. But I guess in this day and age, especially with OLD, it could be a bit more challenging. 

Maybe so.

But overall someone who can be casual with strangers  i wouldnt trust anyway. It shows that their standards are rather low anyway.

No judgement towards you just saying. 

[princessaurora]

5 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Maybe so.

But overall someone who can be casual with strangers  i wouldnt trust anyway. It shows that their standards are rather low anyway.

No judgement towards you just saying. 

None taken. Like I said we knew each other pretty well. I was friends with his family so I knew what kind of person he was. We had both just gotten out of long term LTR's and just wanted to fool around. But that was over 20 years ago. The way people treat sex these days totally blows my mind. I could never just give my body to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, but apparently nowadays alot of people can. I still believe that guys like him  exist though. They're just harder to find. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Menara said:

while J I feel might have potential.

Why? His situation is very messy, he told you at the start he was looking for casual and all I see here is you getting more invested as he would be a bit of a "catch" if he ever got rid of the gf/?ex, who still lives with him.
Wanting to see you three times a week is not an indication he may be getting more "serious", so to my mind you are sleep walking into trouble. 

[peach302]

4 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

None taken. Like I said we knew each other pretty well. I was friends with his family so I knew what kind of person he was. We had both just gotten out of long term LTR's and just wanted to fool around. But that was over 20 years ago. The way people treat sex these days totally blows my mind. I could never just give my body to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, but apparently nowadays alot of people can. I still believe that guys like him  exist though. They're just harder to find. 

Thats fair enough then. If you're like family friends.

Yeah dating now is madness 😂😂. 

People may think im over the top but a guy who has had casual sex more than a few times is a deal breaker  of mine.

[Gaeta]

J is the guy still living with his ex. I would not touch him with a 6 foot pole. I don't care how much money he stand to lose. I have divorced before, lost everything trough it and rebuild myself. Noway I would have stayed under the same roof as my ex in the name of money. 

[Menara]

@Gaeta I agree with you. I spent 3 months under the same roof as my ex after we separated (while we were sorting things out) and it was miserable. It's a long story but short of it is that they have different schedules and are actually rarely in the house at the same time. And she is staying at her boyfriend's whenever she doesn't have the daughter. He wants to keep his farm so is willing to fight her on it etc. The story makes sense, and I looked up his ex on FB. Her account is public (why do people do this?!) and her relationship status is "in a relationship" with some other dude. 

That being said, I would not, under any circumstance, agree to a relationship until she's out. He's actively working on this, and after things not going anywhere in that regards with the ex before, when we met I gave him the number of my lawyer (who kicks ass) and he called her immediately and things have been moving quite a bit in the past month.

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Menara