What does it mean when a guy says 'I want to see where things go'

[snowboy91]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

When a man is really into a woman, he makes sure she knows, and very often, from the first date.

She won’t get confused, she won’t need to have ‘the talk’, she won’t come here asking questions.

All the rest is just playing the field ‘and see how it goes’. The ‘see how it goes’ says either:

a) is not going anywhere 

b) maybe we’ll be in a relationship in the future if I don’t find a big love and decide to settle with you

This is just mediocre and ridiculous.

I’m not saying they have to be committed from date one, but no need to say ‘let’s see where this goes I’m in no rush’.

Women like romance and this just killed it. 

But here the major assumption is the guy knows whether he's really into her or not by the first date. What if that's not the case? Are guys meant to just make a decision whether to be in a relationship with someone or not based on such limited information (ie. some messages/phone call and a single date)? 

I think when a guy says they are "seeing where things go" they probably are nervous about getting a serious talk about "we move in together in 6 months, are married in a year and have kids by 2 years" or something of that nature - without even knowing if they are the right person to be doing this with. Essentially it's a way of being cautious. Sure there are guys who use that statement as a way to keep playing the field, but I wouldn't see them as the majority - so you're probably best off treating those words as true and seeing what a bit more time brings.

[littleblackheart]

8 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

But here the major assumption is the guy knows whether he's really into her or not by the first date.

Nobody does. This is why on date 1 it is best to openly state how you go about things. 

I see nothing wrong on principle with someone (whatever the gender) saying 'let's see how it goes'. When everything is going well, it's actually quite a promising start. 

It really all hinges on what was said or done prior to this. 

[Emilyinroses]

36 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

But here the major assumption is the guy knows whether he's really into her or not by the first date. What if that's not the case? Are guys meant to just make a decision whether to be in a relationship with someone or not based on such limited information (ie. some messages/phone call and a single date)? 

I think when a guy says they are "seeing where things go" they probably are nervous about getting a serious talk about "we move in together in 6 months, are married in a year and have kids by 2 years" or something of that nature - without even knowing if they are the right person to be doing this with. Essentially it's a way of being cautious. Sure there are guys who use that statement as a way to keep playing the field, but I wouldn't see them as the majority - so you're probably best off treating those words as true and seeing what a bit more time brings.

Well guess what, some women do not want marriage and kids. I’m one of them.

I want a serious committed relationship but I do not want to get married (again) and have kids.

I just want to enjoy my life with a great partner.

So saying all women that want commitment want to get married and kids is a wrong assumption.

And if they do want that, there’s nothing wrong about it and they should know where they stand with a guy (as in what are his life goals).

Edited February 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Maldives]

You must understand men don't like commitment or being tied down it's just not in our nature 

[Menara]

So, my friend has been divorced for a few years now, and has dated a couple of guys since then, but nothing that lasted more than a few months (each time she broke it off for different reasons: one guy she just realized after a few months dating that she didn't actually like him that much; another she found out had addiction issues; another still wasn't fully over his ex). She is very very ready for a long term relationship and met this guy who was checking all her boxes, and she's kind of falling for him fast. 

The guy has been separated for two years (never married). From what I understand, the separation was pretty ugly and involved lawyers (they have two kids). My friend is the first person that he has dated (even slept with) since the separation. He thought his life was too much of a mess before to be responsible dating. He had only put up an online profile a few months ago, and met two women: the first he says they had no chemistry, and then my friend. 

She asked him before their first date what he was looking for (this is something I like to do, and had advised her to do the same. I feel this way expectations are clear off the bat). So, before their first date he had said something like: I eventually would like another serious relationship with the right person, but I'm very happy with my life right now and am not in a rush to get there. 

From what I understand, this guy (mid 40s) has had a series of relationships through his 30s hoping to find the right one, but he seemed to also have had a series of disappointments with these women who, according to him, pretended to be interested in the same things as him to get him to stay, and then when things got more serious he realized that this wasn't the case. One example: he's really into food and cooking, and this one girlfriend said she liked that too, but then a year in (after they moved in together) turns out she hated all this homemade stuff and started regularly eating at McDonalds (behind his back). Another one claimed that she loved traveling, but then always found excuses not to go anywhere. I forget exactly what the story with his most recent ex is (the mother of his kids), but it seems that although she claimed she wanted children, she doesn't want to take care of them. Apparently his daughter asked him recently if they were obliged to spend time with their mother and why could they not just live with him full time. My friend says that he's wary of women lying to him. 

It also seems that this guy is a bit of a pretty boy (he was modelling in his 20s) and probably does well with the ladies (although he doesn't seem to exploit it too much). My friend is very attractive too though. 

[Menara]

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@Menara We need to know more details about this man. Do they have a date this weekend? I see you're in Ottawa, the covid is pretty bad in Ontario, what are the measures there? Are they only having home-dates?

They are seeing each other tonight (5th date), but they met up for lunch earlier in the week. He seems proactive in arranging for dates, and does seem to want to see her regularly. 

Measures in Ottawa are that if you live alone (that doesn't include if you live with kids) you are allowed to have visitors. It is a lockdown right now so technically you're supposed to only "bubble up" with one other person. Lockdown is ending this week though. 

And yes, they've only had home dates. Everything is closed. I think that in some ways this is why things lead to sex so quickly. Their first date was a walk outside, and apparently it was pretty cold. So, they took it inside on their second date (and had sex).

[Menara]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

He did.

>>He replied "I like spending time with you too and I want to see where things go, but I'm not in a rush."

I see absolutely nothing wrong or bad about this comment, especially given how well he treats her as stated in her original post.  He chose to be honest and forthright, so okay let's rip him to shreds, accuse him of being a player or commitmenphobe or "clearly" never wanting anything serious.

I am seriously shocked at some of these comments.

 

 

I tend to agree with this. I feel that 4 dates is SO early to make any real decisions about someone. You might get tingly feelings and think about them a lot, but it's still a time where you're trying to figure out if there are any red flags. People always show their best selves in the beginning but it's when they relax and feel things are more "steady" that they often start showing their true colours

[Versacehottie]

38 minutes ago, Menara said:

So, my friend has been divorced for a few years now, and has dated a couple of guys since then, but nothing that lasted more than a few months (each time she broke it off for different reasons: one guy she just realized after a few months dating that she didn't actually like him that much; another she found out had addiction issues; another still wasn't fully over his ex). She is very very ready for a long term relationship and met this guy who was checking all her boxes, and she's kind of falling for him fast. 

IMO, this is why girls shouldn't necessarily push for a relationship and guys that say "let's see where this goes" are actually doing the right thing.  Your friends own examples say as much.  She "got" the relationships she wanted but ended up with some guy she wasn't that into, an addict and an emotionally unavailable man.  Wouldn't it have been better to truly be "seeing where things went" or assessing, much like guys tend to do to make sure these people were worthy of her and all she wasn't getting was a relationship with a big headache and a guy she needed to get rid of?

There was some study that I saw where in general the majority of guys AREN'T looking for a relationship--they are OPEN to a relationship if the right person comes along.  A far better approach, IMO, then the in general "i'm looking for a relationship", ie a slot to be filled that comes out of the mouths of many women typically.  I'd actually be suspect of any guy who said that knowing the information from this study---since in reality, EVERYONE means "if you are the right person".  It's a question that is virtually meaningless (or even harmful potentially) if asked.  Each person is still assessing regardless.  I know guys who absolutely did NOT want a relationship that ran into the right girl and promptly fell in love and are in a relationship.  

The funny thing about asking the question is it seems to create a whole bunch of doubt & overthinking.  Now that you've added the context that she asked that before the first date, it makes even more sense that he said what he said on the 4th date.  He is trying to manage her expectations.  Also a statement like that puts it on the line from the get go that she is basically like a sitting duck just "waiting".  If you think about it, is that the dynamic that is ideal? No, not at all.  I could go on about the bad pattern this creates but it's unequal from the beginning with statements like this--for no good reason--since they are essentially meaningless and now the dynamic is much much more in his favor.  IMO, these type of situations are bad ones that are of women's own making--and the stuff that gets talked about like rules among women.  The reality is he's been treating her and his actions are of someone who is into her (though now this is hanging over their heads and has been)....you don't have one without the other, so her actions and words will/do affect what happens with them.  

Asking what a person wants is like negotiating a business deal or something.  Much better to use emotions in a relationship context---because the business end/agreement won't matter a bit if he isn't feeling it.

[Gaeta]

53 minutes ago, Menara said:

My friend is the first person that he has dated (even slept with) since the separation.

So, before their first date he had said something like: I eventually would like another serious relationship with the right person, but I'm very happy with my life right now and am not in a rush to get there. 

So your friend had all the needed information to make a good judgement call, it was her choice to ignore it. I don't know why she is so shocked he told her he doesn't want to rush, he pretty much had laid it all in the open at the beginning. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

There was some study that I saw where in general the majority of guys AREN'T looking for a relationship--they are OPEN to a relationship if the right person comes along.  

I would be curious to know this study was done on men of what age. I agree younger men are not looking for relationship and would be happy with regular sex from anyone. As for older men 45+ it's different, when they healed from a separation/divorce a lot of them (most) do want a relationship and the security and bond coming with it. I know plenty of women my age who are happy single and not looking and I know 0 men my age happy going through life single. 

[Versacehottie]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

So your friend had all the needed information to make a good judgement call, it was her choice to ignore it. I don't know why she is so shocked he told her he doesn't want to rush, he pretty much had laid it all in the open at the beginning. 

Agreed, I also should have said, it's ironic that splitting hairs is happening all over some statement the guy made, when in reality, the BIG thing is the guy is just separated not divorced.  If she wants to put her energy into something constructive about this guy, she should stop seeing him until he is divorced.  That's a far more telling red flag if there ever was one. 

A work colleague of mine, met a guy who was just separated and kept bumping into him at events and he kept trying to hang out with her at them like away from the group.  She didn't get it so much because she quickly found out that he was separated so that he finally had to confess he wanted to date her.  She was like "oh'...."well if you want to date me, you'd have to be divorced".  The guy got a divorce that he'd apparently been dragging his feet on and they dated, engaged, married, very happy.  

 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Agreed, I also should have said, it's ironic that splitting hairs is happening all over some statement the guy made, when in reality, the BIG thing is the guy is just separated not divorced.  If she wants to put her energy into something constructive about this guy, she should stop seeing him until he is divorced.

He was  not married with his ex.

[Alpacalia]

 

1 hour ago, Menara said:

The guy has been separated for two years (never married)

 

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Agreed, I also should have said, it's ironic that splitting hairs is happening all over some statement the guy made, when in reality, the BIG thing is the guy is just separated not divorced.  If she wants to put her energy into something constructive about this guy, she should stop seeing him until he is divorced.  That's a far more telling red flag if there ever was one. 

A work colleague of mine, met a guy who was just separated and kept bumping into him at events and he kept trying to hang out with her at them like away from the group.  She didn't get it so much because she quickly found out that he was separated so that he finally had to confess he wanted to date her.  She was like "oh'...."well if you want to date me, you'd have to be divorced".  The guy got a divorce that he'd apparently been dragging his feet on and they dated, engaged, married, very happy.  

 

She said h'es been "separated" but never married. I think she means he has been "single" for two years? Maybe it's different in Canada...

[Versacehottie]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would be curious to know this study was done on men of what age. I agree younger men are not looking for relationship and would be happy with regular sex from anyone. As for older men 45+ it's different, when they healed from a separation/divorce a lot of them (most) do want a relationship and the security and bond coming with it. I know plenty of women my age who are happy single and not looking and I know 0 men my age happy going through life single. 

I don't remember the ages specifically but it was a wide study so I think it was across many ages.  The point is it speaks to the HONEST mindset of men: that they are open to a relationship with the right person at pretty much any time IF the right person comes along.  A stance that many more women should take for themselves and should negate asking a pointless question IMO, since for both sexes it does mean a qualified "if you're the right person".  Like the OP's friend.  She will just waste time getting into a relationship with the wrong person and then chuck the guy later because she is focused on getting a relationship rather than the person in front of her.  Clouds her judgement.  (and often women in general).

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

She said h'es been "separated" but never married. I think she means he has been "single" for two years? Maybe it's different in Canada...

Yes that's what she means

[Versacehottie]

ohhhh, got it.  Sorry I misread about his marital status or lack thereof.  

About your second statement, Gaeta, about people over 45, that actually matches what is in other studies and totally matches what you said regarding HAPPINESS of people that age broken down by gender.  

But it doesn't necessarily mean the men are fully cognizant of how they should approach dating and their thought process, which is often tied to the way they have thought all along: Not specifically looking for a relationship but looking for the right person.

[Menara]

Versacehottie - this is an interesting issue that you bring up. I do think women have this tendency of focusing on the idea of "being in a relationship" and sometimes making bad choices just because someone seems to want to be in a relationship with them. I am guilty of having done that! About 6 months after my separation, after having done the casual thing for a while and getting sick of it , I decided I wanted something more serious. I met this guy, and he was what someone described earlier "someone who knew right away what he wanted". After only a few dates, it seemed we were exclusive and in a long term relationship. When we met, we had a good first date but it wasn't instant chemistry (for me at least, I think he felt differently). Before our second date, he sent me this text going on about how much he liked me etc. It was almost a love declaration! It was kind of overwhelming but also flattering. So, despite having doubts, I went for it. It lasted 11 months, but the least 6 were actually pretty bad. 

Then this fall I did the same thing all over again: met a guy, after the first date he sends me this text about how he had met enough women to know that "I was special" etc etc. Gave that guy a try as well. After years of dating and dealing with flakes, it's refreshing when I guy just takes away all your questions and worries away right off the bat. But this guy also turned out, a few months later, to not be compatible!

What I'm trying to say that I agree with you that women should have a bit more a male attitude when it comes to dating, and actually be willing to take things slower, even if that means being in unknown relationship status territory for a while, and make sure that they also want to be in a relationship with this person. But I think we women are just wired a bit differently, whether that's nature or nurture, and it's really kind of a pitty.

[Gaeta]

I just find this is not a good time (pandemic) to judge a man's character. She confirmed all of their dates were home-dates. Only spending time at each other's house will teach her nothing of this man.

They also had 4 dates in 3 weeks. Were they all weekend meetings? Why did she get last night (Friday) instead of tonight?

And finally, a man will not limit himself to having sex with 1 woman after being separated. He's good looking, he was on the dating site for a few months before I don't believe him when he says your friend was his first sex since his separation. I hope he didn't say that to have unprotected sex with her? The net if FULL of desperate women inviting men over their home. 

[Alpacalia]

It sounds as if, given the bad break-up, your "friend" still has some past things to fix emotionally, so maybe he should postpone dating entirely before he gets his head straight. It's clear he's not ready to jump back into something, so as long as he's honest about that from the beginning, it's fine. If not, he's dragging along the other person on a messy ride.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Alpaca

[Versacehottie]

Totally, that's it, Menara. Well said.  

And good point: women can often be so elated with a guy who takes away the uncertainty that they fail to assess who it is that they are signing up for.  

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Menara said:

I met this guy, and he was what someone described earlier "someone who knew right away what he wanted". After only a few dates, it seemed we were exclusive and in a long term relationship. When we met, we had a good first date (...) I went for it. It lasted 11 months, but the least 6 were actually pretty bad. 

Then this fall I did the same thing all over again: met a guy, after the first date he sends me this text about how he had met enough women to know that "I was special" etc etc. Gave that guy a try as well. After years of dating and dealing with flakes, it's refreshing when I guy just takes away all your questions and worries away right off the bat. But this guy also turned out, a few months later, to not be compatible!

You are mixing apples and oranges. These men were ready to date you from the get go and offered you their exclusivity and their best. It turned out you were not compatible, you have no control over this. Even if your friend gives this 3 months of no exclusivity and a lot of go with the flow, she still risk discovering in 6-9 months they're not compatible. 

[Gaeta]

I have done the whole be laid back, don't ask for anything, go with the flow and it never worked out, all it did is delay the end of the relationship. A confident woman knows what she wants and lay in on the table. The guy is in accordance with it or he can go.

Your friend needs to figure out for herself what is her dating style and stick to her personal rules. I would not date a man over 5 dates without exclusivity, I know myself and I refuse to live in agony to cater to a man that wants to take it slow, he can find himself a woman that wants to take it slow. Why is HIS need of freedom more important than your friend's need of exclusivity? 

 

[Versacehottie]

I think what Menara is talking about is exactly the same thing....that she got it on the 1st or 2nd date rather than the 4th or 10th makes little difference.  Let's say she asked the question lots are advising: "what are you looking for?" and each of them guy/girl says "a serious relationship" and then they are in one not long after (perhaps no wait whatsoever). Presumably that is what these questions are meant to accomplish to align goals/expectations and have done just so.  What is missing is that regardless of how short or long amount of time, the assessment of "with who" gets the short end and is not well done/well explored.

I think a lot of women sell themselves short (and screw themselves up) with only two basic requirements: 

*looks decent on paper

*WILLING to be in a relationship 

Are those really how low we should set our standards?  Lol, of course I'm exaggerating for effect, but not by too much based on lots of the things I've read here and seen IRL.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

....that she got it on the 1st or 2nd date rather than the 4th or 10th makes little difference.

As per my dating experience, and its considerable, going by the words this man is using he will not ask for exclusivity and a relationship in 10 dates. He will date her as long as she doesn't put pressure on him and when she has enough and start putting pressure on him he'll leave. He will absolutely not enter a relationship with the first woman he's had sex with after his separation. She is Mrs Righ Now. 

[Versacehottie]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

As per my dating experience, and its considerable, going by the words this man is using he will not ask for exclusivity and a relationship in 10 dates. He will date her as long as she doesn't put pressure on him and when she has enough and start putting pressure on him he'll leave. He will absolutely not enter a relationship with the first woman he's had sex with after his separation. She is Mrs Righ Now. 

I think we are talking about different things with the (apples/oranges comment and number of dates).  It's not about what you can get the guy to do/commit to and I hear you that perhaps that has been your experience.

The subject of Menara and my recent comments are about putting the guy's willingness to be committed blinding the girl to ACTUALLY check to see if he is worth it to commit to (for herself); women will often truly forget to do that, being hyper-focused on "getting the relationship".  Even the way you have interpreted  what was said, almost backs that up in that your goal or focus is still on "will he commit or not" rather than "is he the right person to commit to".  

My point is basically WHY should you a woman be chasing that commitment anyway.  It's fine to see if he is right for you.  If you take the focus off, trying to prove you are worthy of commitment (for him to commit to you) and rather turn yourself into the person who is CHOOSING if he is right for you, it can accomplish virtually the same thing as far as getting a guy committed and far more productively in that you will be more likely to choose the right person for you.  As well as you show your worth and create the better dynamic by handling it like that.  Why start out on the foot of "how can I lock this guy down?" vs "do I even want to lock this guy down?"

Lol, anyway, you know i really like you but I do think we disagree on this subject.  I think there are a group of people (men & women) who think more in line with how you are proposing and they are all best suited for each other and there are a group of people (men & women) who think more in line with what I'm saying and those are best suited for each other.  Often half the problem is that people from the two different groups are trying to make a relationship work in those first handful of dates and they don't speak the same language in terms of what I'm talking about.  Also there are a ton of women conditioned (and kind of skittish) about being paranoid about not getting the commitment--so much so that they fail to see what it is that they are fighting for.  

Edited February 6, 2021 by Versacehottie