What does it mean when a guy says 'I want to see where things go'

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I am interested in your opinion. Do keeping things casual mean having sex with other people? Would asking for sexual exclusivity be too much? considering stds and covid?

Since that is an open ended question and isn't part of this situation, I don't think my opinion is relevant. If the OP said that her friend caught an STD or COVID from him b/c he was sleeping with other women that her friend verified, then I'd give you my opinion. But as it stands, its not tied to this situation, so there's no point veering off topic. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Since that is an open ended question and isn't part of this situation, I don't think my opinion is relevant. If the OP said that her friend caught an STD or COVID from him b/c he was sleeping with other women that her friend verified, then I'd give you my opinion. But as it stands, its not tied to this situation, so there's no point veering off topic. 

Understood. 

Do you think OP should ask for sexual exclusivity? I think my question is now 100% related to OP.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@basil67 I agree so technically this guy should not be scared by sexual exclusivity if he's really interested in taking his time with OP's friend. 

I don't know.  Some people appear to connect exclusivity with commitment, so the conversation would have to be worded carefully.   And at the very least, she needs to know if he's shagging other women too.   If the question scares him away, then good riddance to bad rubbish.

[dramafreezone]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't know.  Some people appear to connect exclusivity with commitment, so the conversation would have to be worded carefully.   And at the very least, she needs to know if he's shagging other women too.   If the question scares him away, then good riddance to bad rubbish.

What's the difference between sexual exclusivity and a committment?  What extra does a committment bring about?

It's 2021.  I assume most single women are seeing 2-3 guys minimum and I don't see that as a big deal.  Why is it that a guy that does it is a player or commitmentphobe?

Edited February 6, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Watercolors]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Understood. 

Do you think OP should ask for sexual exclusivity? I think my question is now 100% related to OP.

No. I think Emily's friend should just tell this guy what she wants. She hasn't done that yet. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

What's the difference between sexual exclusivity and a committment?  What extra does a committment bring about?

It's 2021.  I assume most single women are seeing 2-3 guys minimum and I don't see that as a big deal.  Why is it that a guy that does it is a player or commitmentphobe?

Sexual exclusivity is sleeping with one person at a time.  Commitment means dedication to making a relationship work.   Two very different things.

Regarding a man or woman who sleeps with with multiple people...male or female... just yuk.  Too high an STD risk for me.  Condoms help, but they aren't a guarantee.    The fact that it's 2021 is neither here nor there when it comes to STDs

Edited February 6, 2021 by basil67

[dramafreezone]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sexual exclusivity is sleeping with one person at a time.  Commitment means dedication to making a relationship work.   Two very different things.

Regarding a man or woman who sleeps with with multiple people...male or female... just yuk.  Too high an STD risk for me.  Condoms help, but they aren't a guarantee.    The fact that it's 2021 is neither here nor there when it comes to STDs

Well, the only way to guarantee anything is to not have sex at all.  How do you know someone is exclusive beyond their word, especailly if this is not really a relationship?

And the fact that it's 2021 is a huge difference from say 30 years ago.  Women date much more than back then, particularly because of dating sites.  Any average looking women today tons of options.  More options = more dating = more sex.  That's just what dating is today.

[Watercolors]

Just now, dramafreezone said:

Well, the only way to guarantee anything is to not have sex at all.  How do you know someone is exclusive beyond their word, especailly if this is not really a relationship?

And the fact that it's 2021 is a huge difference from say 30 years ago.  Women date much more than back then, particularly because of dating sites.  Any average looking women today tons of options.  More options = more dating = more sex.  That's just what dating is today.

Exactly. In fact, I remember a relationship I had 15 years ago with a guy I met through online dating. We slept together after 2 weeks of dating and both still had our dating profiles active. Then, one morning, he told me that he had deactivated his dating profile and asked me if I wanted to do that too. This happened about 4 weeks later. Now, despite both of us deactivating our dating profiles, he was still dating another woman on the side, behind my back, essentially cheating on her and I with each other. 

So, my experience speaks directly to what dramafreezone's post points out. There's no way to guarantee that after you have sex with someone, that the natural outcome is for a relationship to develop. I thought that would happen, because he asked me to be exclusive. But really, he was being a jerk, b/c he was being "exclusive" with myself and another women at the same time. 

Not having sex at all, also doesn't mean that you'll be able to achieve an exclusive relationship with the person either. 

Basically, you have to have the confidence to tell the person what your expectations are, and what you want with them. And then hope that they want the same thing, and actually MEAN that they want the same thing and aren't giving you lip service instead. People are unpredictable. There's no way to know what another person's true intentions are. Even if they tell you what their intentions are. That doesn't even mean it's the truth. 

Actions speak louder than words. But words still matter. 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, the only way to guarantee anything is to not have sex at all.  How do you know someone is exclusive beyond their word, especailly if this is not really a relationship?

And the fact that it's 2021 is a huge difference from say 30 years ago.  Women date much more than back then, particularly because of dating sites.  Any average looking women today tons of options.  More options = more dating = more sex.  That's just what dating is today.

I’m really not interested in debating this with you.

Edited February 6, 2021 by basil67

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

How do you know someone is exclusive beyond their word, especailly if this is not really a relationship?

You have to rely on lessons you've learn in the past. Communicate clearly what you're looking for and what is your style of dating. You have to take a risk and give a certain % of trust to someone you barely know. You have to observe and see if the words match the actions. Eventually you will meet someone that has the same style of dating and is also serious about getting to know you. It's a huge job.

[dramafreezone]

Yeah, no problem.  I just was not aware of this idea of sexual exclusivity being distinctly separate from a relationship.  I don't think I would have any use for it, I would just commit to a relationship if I wanted to be sexually exclusive.

[Gaeta]

@dramafreezone: Sexual exclusivity would allow OP's friend to get to know this guy without the fear of him having multiple sexual partners but because it's not a gf/bf relationship yet he doesn't have to meet her parents, go to the office xmas party, he's off the hook for relationship duties. During that phase people will usually say I am seeing someone it's not the same as I have a boyfriend.

ETA: And because it is 2021 and we now have hook up society that's why sexual exclusivity exist. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Gaeta

[dramafreezone]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@dramafreezone: Sexual exclusivity would allow OP's friend to get to know this guy without the fear of him having multiple sexual partners but because it's not a gf/bf relationship yet he doesn't have to meet her parents, go to the office xmas party, he's off the hook for relationship duties. During that phase people will usually say I am seeing someone it's not the same as I have a boyfriend.

So the idea is mainly to decrease the risk of obtaining an STD, or does it also serve the purpose of an intermediate stage in between causal dating and an relationship?

I mean it seems practical, kind of like friends with benefits, but I'm not sure how many women would be ok with sex without wanting a significant amount of non-sexual attention as well.  Doesn't seem like an arrangement that's sustainable for very long as a practical matter.

Edited February 6, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

So the idea is mainly to decrease the risk of obtaining an STD, or does it also serve the purpose of an intermediate stage in between causal dating and an relationship?

I mean it seems practical, kind of like friends with benefits, but I'm not sure how many women would be ok with sex without wanting a significant amount of non-sexual attention as well.

Absolutely it is an intermediate stage between casual and relationship. Having the sexual exclusivity will allow you to concentrate on that person alone and get to know him/her without the pressure of committing to all a relationship involves. . I don't think you can concentrate on getting to know one person if you're having hook ups left and right. That being said that phase is not meant to last months or years. By 2,3 months you should know if you want to give each other the title of gf/bf. 

[dramafreezone]

I guess my main issue with it is that it seems forced.  If two people really like each other they're naturally going to want to spend more and more time together, to the point where they are essentially sexually exclusive, but it happened naturally.

[Gaeta]

@dramafreezone: Agreed with you. My past relationships, each one of them,  we both agreed to be exclusive on date 4-5 and called it a relationship as we both had the same dating style. Note I still took 4 months to introduce him to family but we called it a relationship. Now here we have OP'S friend who probably has the same dating style as me but he doesn't, he's more into going with the flow so OP's should really think of the health risk involved here and at least ask for sexual exclusivity if the word relationship scares him.

ETA: but my true advice to her would be to find herself a man that has the same dating style as her. In my dating years I never associated with men telling me they're not in a rush. I knew what I wanted and aimed for it. OP's friend should date with her goal and her style in mind. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

I guess my main issue with it is that it seems forced.  If two people really like each other they're naturally going to want to spend more and more time together, to the point where they are essentially sexually exclusive, but it happened naturally.

That's how it's always been in my relationships.  My recent ex is actually the first man I ever wanted to clarify it with, after reading on several forums how important it is to do that.

But as it turned out, clarification wasn't necessary because his response was he thought we already were (exclusive).

I have always been able to judge based on our energy and connection, how well we get on together, how naturally things flow; I've always been pretty spot on in my perceptions about that.

In today's dating environment, I see so many settling for wishy/washy men, who are back and forth, hot and cold, it's no wonder they feel insecure and need to clarify and question.  My advice is to scratch that and simply dump those guys and look for a man (or woman if roles are reversed) with whom you have an extraordinary connection, where the energy is right where it all flows naturally not forced, barring a few bumps here and there.  Where you sort of just know or can feel how right it is.

And if it's not right, just leave.  Problem is however, is that many people don't wish to be alone, so they settle for mediocre relationships.  Big mistake imo, I would much rather be alone than in a mediocre relationship where I have to question where I stand, or ask where is this going?, or are we boyfriend/girlfriend?

If I have to question that or his feelings about me, then it's not right and I just leave.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

If your friend wants casual sex, he's the guy. If your friend wants a relationship, he's not the guy.

It's that simple. Try not to overanalyze it.

[Emilyinroses]

When a man is really into a woman, he makes sure she knows, and very often, from the first date.

She won’t get confused, she won’t need to have ‘the talk’, she won’t come here asking questions.

All the rest is just playing the field ‘and see how it goes’. The ‘see how it goes’ says either:

a) is not going anywhere 

b) maybe we’ll be in a relationship in the future if I don’t find a big love and decide to settle with you

This is just mediocre and ridiculous.

I’m not saying they have to be committed from date one, but no need to say ‘let’s see where this goes I’m in no rush’.

Women like romance and this just killed it. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

 she won’t come here asking questions.

Wait. Are you the OP or the friend in question? Confused. At 4 dates, it's casual sex. And that remark means that's all it is.

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I thought people had sex because they enjoyed it and they enjoy the people that they're spending time with, not because it's an implicit gateway toward a committed relationship.

It depends on the person, doesn't it?

[Emilyinroses]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wait. Are you the OP or the friend in question? Confused. At 4 dates, it's casual sex. And that remark means that's all it is.

I am none.

Yes I agree, but the OP’s friend seems confused and disappointed by what he said.

Sometimes after 4 dates is not just casual sex, both already know they want to be together. 

That is why I was saying that men who are really into a woman they let her know very early. This is not the case.

That is why she needs to talk openly with him before she gets any deeper with him.

[Alpacalia]

It's a notifying of a lack of purpose or a lack of commitment. 

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, Menara said:

My take on this was that after four dates only, it's unrealistic to expect more than "seeing where things go" because you don't really know each other that well at that point. If he had told her that after 6 months, then yes, that would have been a sign that he is reluctant to commit. 

But just wondering what other people think about this? 

 

It sounds to me like your friend is someone for whom having sex translates into great intimacy. So she associates it with relationships.

But either she made the mistake of assuming the guy shared that sentiment or she was not assertive enough to verify what sex meant to him before being intimate with him.

They should have talked before sex. There's no guarantee he would have been honest with her. But there's a difference between having the conversation and being lied to, and not having the conversation at all.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

That is why she needs to talk openly with him before she gets any deeper with him.

Or. Just stop getting in deeper. Talking implies that you want the other person to change. Talking implies that you're at the mercy of someone else.

They already talked.

So without further ado she can simply cut her loses and learn from this that sex early on is not the right choice when it happens before even determining who she's with.

Backpedaling rarely works. You can't unsleep with someone. If she hopes to turn this into a relationship, she can stick around and "see how it goes", or decide he's too indifferent and cut loose.