Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 Just now, Emilyinroses said: This guy is playing the field. Why rush with her when there is so much fish in the sea, right!? She needs to decide what she wants to do basically. I totally agree, I have enough experience to know he's playing the field. If she had done her homework and ask him how long he's been single, what is his purpose on the dating site she would know all she needs to know already. It sounds like she's already enamored with him and I know that because she's giving meaning to his 'cuddles'. It means nothing, fwb cuddles and ONS cuddles. She's not going to take our words for it so she needs to test it for herself and ask for sexual exclusivity and see him work his way around saying no. 3
elaine567 Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 9 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Where do you get he clearly knows it's not going anywhere? Because he's not in a rush to commit after four dates? No-one asked him to commit, he didn't actually need to say anything apart from I like spending time with you too or just niodding in agreement to be nice. But he deliberately told her where he stood and it wasn't good... 4
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: In fact, a man wanting to commit What do you define as commit? Would asking for sexual exclusivity fall in the commitment category?
Emilyinroses Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: No-one asked him to commit, he didn't actually need to say anything apart from I like spending time with you too or just niodding in agreement to be nice. But he deliberately told her where he stood and it wasn't good... Exactly. Because he knows is not getting anywhere and her words triggered his anxious/avoidant attachment style. A secure normal guy would simply say ‘I like to spend time with you too’. She needs to take off the rose-tinted glasses and see him clearly. Edited February 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses 2
poppyfields Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What do you define as commit? Would asking for sexual exclusivity fall in the commitment category? My ex and I didn't become exclusive for around 2.5 months, 12 dates or so in. Four dates would have been way too soon, for both of us. However, we did not have sex until the 9th date (2 months approx), so if I have any advice for OP's friend, if she wants to avoid become freaked out because a man doesn't want to rush into anything before allowing the necessary time to get to know her better and deciding where he wants things to go, then she should hold off on having sex with him, since she's prone to developing feelings afterwards. Edited February 6, 2021 by poppyfields 2
dramafreezone Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What do you define as commit? Would asking for sexual exclusivity fall in the commitment category? Yes, that's the same thing as a commitment.
Emilyinroses Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What do you define as commit? Would asking for sexual exclusivity fall in the commitment category? This is all the same old: people being ok with sharing sexual intimacy and being naked but not being ok with sharing emotional intimacy and being naked emotionally. If I am having regular sex with a man (and I don’t care after how many dates we had), I want to know where we stand and if he is having sex with other women, also for my own health protection. If two people are ok to have sex, they should be ok to talk openly. Sending wishy washy sentences into the air like he did is not ok or enough. Edited February 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses 2
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 @Menara We need to know more details about this man. Do they have a date this weekend? I see you're in Ottawa, the covid is pretty bad in Ontario, what are the measures there? Are they only having home-dates?
poppyfields Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: A secure normal guy would simply say ‘I like to spend time with you too’. He did. >>He replied "I like spending time with you too and I want to see where things go, but I'm not in a rush." I see absolutely nothing wrong or bad about this comment, especially given how well he treats her as stated in her original post. He chose to be honest and forthright, so okay let's rip him to shreds, accuse him of being a player or commitmenphobe or "clearly" never wanting anything serious. I am seriously shocked at some of these comments. Edited February 6, 2021 by poppyfields
Emilyinroses Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: He did. >>He replied "I like spending time with you too and I want to see where things go, but I'm not in a rush." Yes, but it could have stopped there. The rest of the sentence is his anxiety speaking louder and talking for him. That showed her everything she needs to know to make a decision. 1
elaine567 Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 18 minutes ago, poppyfields said: My guess is he is used to women pushing, wanting to define things too quickly and his comment was intended to avoid that, to allow the relationship to develop gradually and naturally, the way it's meant to develop. Nothing natural about telling her he is in no rush... He effectively told her he only wants casual and is playing the field. and don't get your hopes up. Edited February 6, 2021 by elaine567 2
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 6 minutes ago, poppyfields said: My ex and I didn't become exclusive for around 2.5 months, 12 dates or so in. Four dates would have been way too soon, for both of us. However, we did not have sex until the 9th date (2 months approx). So you were exclusive after 3 dates with sex.
poppyfields Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 18 minutes ago, elaine567 said: No-one asked him to commit, he didn't actually need to say anything apart from I like spending time with you too or just niodding in agreement to be nice. But he deliberately told her where he stood and it wasn't good... Bolded, you're right I agree, that comment was unnecessary and it would have been better left unsaid, however like I said, he most likely knew what was coming, probably from past experiences, just like the OP's friend has her past experiences wherein her thoughts, anxieties and insecurities stem from. I dunno, I just think there are a whole lot of assumptions being made about him, with no basis in fact. And hey y'all could be right about him, I just see no evidence of that from what was posted, that's all.
poppyfields Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Gaeta said: So you were exclusive after 3 dates with sex. Yes, after the third time having sex (approx 12 dates in - 2.5 months), I mentioned exclusivity and he responded "I thought we already were"! Not sure if you read this from my previous posts, but I wanted to have sex sooner, and HE wanted to wait for various reasons that don't matter now. Edited February 6, 2021 by poppyfields
dramafreezone Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Nothing natural about telling her he is in no rush... He effectively told her he only wants casual and is playing the field. and don't get your hopes up. Well if she was "freaked out" by that then apparently he had a good read on her, that she was going way too fast and did a kind thing for her if she needs someone that is going her speed. A woman that's just enjoying the moment would've said "I agree!" Edited February 6, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: If two people are ok to have sex, they should be ok to talk openly. Sending wishy washy sentences into the air like he did is not ok or enough. Women are their own worst enemy. We have to learn to respect our own limits. Some women can have sex and not associate any meaning to it and go with the flow, others not. The sad thing here is OP did not respect her own limits and did not verify this guy was ready to respect those limits. She had sex with him blindly all based on he's nice and scheduled 4 regular dates which means nothing in the big picture. Edited February 6, 2021 by Gaeta 1
poppyfields Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Well if she was "freaked out" by that then apparently he had a good read on her, that she was going way too fast and did a kind thing for her if she needs someone that is going her speed. A woman that's just enjoying the moment would've said "I agree!" Yeah, men can often sense when a woman is becoming too attached too soon (and imo four dates IS too soon regardless of the sex, which again I am assuming she wanted as much as he did), which may be why he felt it needed mentioning. But that's just speculation, just like everyone else is doing. DF, I'm with you, I have always been an "enjoying the moment" girl, not too focused on the outcome, but rather enjoying the process, the journey of getting there. It's worked well for me, but everyone has their own experiences and like I said if she's not comfortable with his pace or style, or she believes him to be a player or commitmentphobe, just wish him well and walk. No need to be making all these unfounded assumptions about him, I think it's unnecessary and unfair. JMO. Nite all.
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 So, I just checked and everything is closed in Ontario. There is nowhere to go for dates other then taking walks. OP's friend is having home dates and technically it's forbidden, how does she trust this guy with her health? How does she know he's not on dates with other women during the week and they're not covid positive? This guy could easily be doing like my ex was doing and pretending to be a good single guy while going on multiple home-dates seducing the 100s of lonely women online. If you live in a place like OP and I, a place where everything is closed and you're in full confinement it's NO time to be online dating and bringing men home (or going to men's home) in the hope to find a good boyfriend. It won't happen. What's the rush? We're all gonna be vaccinate by summer so she can go back to dating then.
poppyfields Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: So, I just checked and everything is closed in Ontario. There is nowhere to go for dates other then taking walks. OP's friend is having home dates and technically it's forbidden, how does she trust this guy with her health? How does she know he's not on dates with other women during the week and they're not covid positive? This guy could easily be doing like my ex was doing and pretending to be a good single guy while going on multiple home-dates seducing the 100s of lonely women online. If you live in a place like OP and I, a place where everything is closed and you're in full confinement it's NO time to be online dating and bringing men home (or going to men's home) in the hope to find a good boyfriend. It won't happen. What's the rush? We're all gonna be vaccinate by summer so she can go back to dating then. Bolded, agree which is why she should have held off on the sex until she got to know him better, and especially given the fact she's prone to becoming attached afterwards. If you want to blame the guy for not being in a rush after only four dates, fine, but she needs to take responsibility too. Unless he was holding a gun to her head, she willingly chose to engage in sexual relations, not knowing what his pace or style was or even what his intentions were! That's on her! 2
Versacehottie Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: Maybe, and this is just a hunch, maybe he enjoys her company and being around her? Guys are not this idea of what women think they should be. We don't fit into nice little boxes so that you can easily identify what we are without having to ask. All of us are different actually and many of us enjoy the company of women, which means we might actually show affection, but that doesn't mean we want to jump into a relationship after four dates. This entire issue is born out of her lack of communication regarding what she wants. Agree with the majority of this and those people who have taken this stance essentially. This kind of statement is a pretty common one from guys. IMO, they are just trying to set a relationship pace, create reasonable expectations and perhaps even test the girl a little. In part I think it happens because guys aren't stupid they see how the majority of women are conditioned to want a relationship and that positive dates and having had sex puts things on track for that or at least that being an expectation. I think it can be overwhelming to the guy the "getting into a relationship" becomes more important than "with who" and perhaps women should slow down and consider that a lot better just as guys do. I don't at all take his statement to mean he's not into her or that it won't end up in a relationship. Contrary to most people, I don't even think she should state what she wants direct within that conversation (i guess she could which isn't the worst) but equally or even better she could take in what he said and kinda go "hmmmm" to herself. Might make more sense than throwing up exactly what she wants as if they are in some standoff and the two things are mutually exclusive and at odds with one another. What about taking in his information and his stance on it and seeing how that fits in with her plan for herself? She could always bring it up in the next few dates if it bothers her. I'm guessing on one hand, guys expect a little resistance once they throw out a statement like that. My friend, who is one of the best with guys ever, has a whole terminology for what she does if a guy does this or any other non-committal stuff to her. It's hilarious and it always works when she has done. The gist being in general as it applies to this situation is to take in the information and act completely fine with it; perhaps pull back, perhaps date other guys. One big question might be is if this is how he feels, why wouldn't she be fine with it? I doubt she will stop seeing him when she still has feelings for him. Show vs say. Usually works wayyyyy better with guys. It is not what he is expecting in response to that and it will throw him for a loop. I definitely keep track of when I've heard stories (which is a lot because it is a common thing guys do/say) and the best results I've noticed is to roll with it and pull back in some way or another. If he's going to disappear he will do that anyway. Unless she plans to stop seeing him immediately off a statement like this (which I wouldn't recommend), she's going to probably see it through. My advice is to enjoy the dating and getting to know each other. I would take that statement as OP's friend isn't girlfriend yet--so she shouldn't give girlfriend behavior. IMO, the part to speak up about or get serious about finding out info is having sex. If they are not exclusive, no point in that IMO for health reasons and if she wants a relationship. lol, ok I'm not making sense tonight but hopefully you guys get the gist. *by the way, I say this that in NO way means the girl is less important than the guy and doesn't have a right to speak up and say what she wants. Only that people operate under social norms and there are plenty that influence dating via gender etc. She should/could play the game in a way that has proven effective even if it's less PC. 1
basil67 Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: What do you define as commit? Would asking for sexual exclusivity fall in the commitment category? I don't see sexual exclusivity as commitment. Having sex to the exclusion of all others doesn't necessarily mean that both parties are working towards a future together. 2
Watercolors Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said: This guy is playing the field. Why rush with her when there is so much fish in the sea, right!? She needs to decide what she wants to do basically. That's quite an assumption. It's only been 4 dates. Your friend is responsible for her own choices. He didn't force her to lie to him. He didn't force her to have sex with him immediately. She is an adult. If she can't take responsibility for herself, she should not even be dating guys. He did nothing wrong. After 4 dates, they are complete strangers still. They are not even in a relationship yet. Why should he give your friend an exclusive relationship so early? Why should he? So, he's a player because he has boundaries? Because he doesn't want to go hyperspeed into a commitment with your friend b/c he likes to hold her hand and cuddle? To me, that shows me he's a considerate, emotionally available lover. Nothing about his behavior labels him as a player (with the negative connotation). I think maybe you feel protective of your friend, and that's why you think he's a bad dude. But he's not a bad dude. If your friend doesn't accept responsibility for her own choices where he's concerned, she has no business dating. Seriously. You make it seem like she's acting all upset like he did something terrible to her. All he did, was tell her that he just wants to keep it casual and take it slow...because it's only been 4 dates for Pete sake. 3
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 @basil67 I agree so technically this guy should not be scared by sexual exclusivity if he's really interested in taking his time with OP's friend.
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 1 minute ago, Watercolors said: All he did, was tell her that he just wants to keep it casual and take it slow. I am interested in your opinion. Do keeping things casual mean having sex with other people? Would asking for sexual exclusivity be too much? considering stds and covid?
Versacehottie Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 Yes it's is funny that we blame guys for not being in a rush to commit after 4 dates, yet a statement from a guy to manage the potential with her is seen as a bad thing. From a guy's point of view (at least some guys and definitely this one). it could be seen as just as blameworthy that a girl WANTS a relationship after 4 dates. (not saying this girl did) but it happens often enough that it's a "thing". I usually think you have to go as slow as the person who is slower. If you cannot, then it's on you to walk away. Obviously state where you stand before you do that if it gets to that. But it's up to the girl to manage her boundaries effectively and to her comfort level. Getting a guy to commit or pretend he is committed is almost false assurance when it's not what he really wants. This guy could have bad intentions but his actions don't really say so. I usually think the downfall of a lot of promising relationships is the added uncertainty that girls who hear statements like that kind of self-combust and take the sentence as a rejection. It's not.
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