What does it mean when a guy says 'I want to see where things go'

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

I think it's both parties' responsibilities to check where the boundaries are. Saying to someone on day 1, 'hey I prefer to keep things casual for a while' doesn't sound the same as saying it after date 4 (the sex part might be irrelevant, I don't know).

 

It is both people's responsibility to be truthful with each other. However, your friend chose not to tell him her true feelings. All she did was ask him a question. And she lied, by agreeing with him, instead of using that as an opportunity to tell him that she wants to be in a relationship with him eventually. She needs to express that to him because that's truthfully how she feels. No games are required on her part. He's not a mind reader either, so she has to own up to her truth even if she is scared he'll say he's not interested yet or at all.

[princessaurora]

It could be that he senses her getting attached and he's not at that level  with her at this point. I think she should continue to see him, but maybe pull back a bit, so he could see what he may be about to potentially lose. I don't think he's necessarily a player. It's only been 4 dates, maybe he's been hurt before and doesn't want to go down that road again by moving too fast. So many people are quick to assume a guy is a jerk or just looking for sex but everything is not always black and white. He sounds very responsive, he sets dates in advance, they talk every day. It sounds like he likes her to me, so why dismiss the guy because he's not ready to commit after 4 dates?

Now as for the sex, we all know that often means more to a woman than a man and can definitely cause more of an attachment for her. That's why I'm not a fan of early intercourse, but we already have a ton of discussions regarding that and can argue either side till the cows come home.

She should find out if he's seeing others. Being that they've had sex, she has the right to know because it could be a risk to her health depending on what method of protection they're using. It doesn't sound like he is since he's very responsive with her, but if I'm wrong and it turns out he is dating/ engaging in sex with others then his statement basically means " I'm not giving up the other poon tang for you anytime soon." 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I agree having sex with a guy without asking all the proper questions first is asking to be played.

He’s not going to turn down the opportunity for sex. 

If she wants something more, she may need to slow things down just a little until she has a better sense of his intentions...

Edited February 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[littleblackheart]

Just now, Watercolors said:

However, your friend chose not to tell him her true feelings

Not the OP nor do I know what the friend chose to do 

[dramafreezone]

11 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

I think it's both parties' responsibilities to check where the boundaries are. Saying to someone on day 1, 'hey I prefer to keep things casual for a while' doesn't sound the same as saying it after date 4 (the sex part might be irrelevant, I don't know).

 

But you don't know anyone on the first date.  How can it be assumed that it's anything but casual right there?  Again, if she wanted to make clear that she is only interested in someone that's looking for a relationship then that's on her to make clear.  I don't approach dates by thinking that I'm looking for a girlfriend.  That type of thinking just allows the mind to go way too far in the future.  My goal is just to be in the moment.  How can someone be in the moment when they're thinking, "hmm, what would my mom think of her?  I wonder what private schools our kids will go to, Oh my gosh I need to start saving for their college fund."  How about instead "do I even like this person?"

Edited February 6, 2021 by dramafreezone

[elaine567]

Trouble is he acted all boyfriendy with his attention and his cuddles and so she was led to believe that he was more into her than he was.
it was therefore a slap in the face to realise she was likely just one of the women he was considering...
Sex is a big deal to some women, it is not just a bit of fun, they get attached despite themselves. 
 

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

It's. Been. Four. Dates.

So a man that enjoys casual sex is flaky and a "boy?"  I thought people had sex because they enjoyed it and they enjoy the people that they're spending time with, not because it's an implicit gateway toward a committed relationship.

How about she be an adult and actually convey to this guy what she wants instead of expecting him to read her mind?  Maybe he might just say "well that's not what I'm looking for, maybe it's best that we not date anymore."  His comment was non-commital but she's not communicating at all.

I agree, if she was open about her desires for a relationship from the beginning and ask him what is he looking for in dating maybe she wouldn’t be having sex with a guy that clearly showed her he does not want anything serious with her.

It’s been only 4 dates but this guy already know, hence what he said to her. She needs to communicate clearly and possibly move on.

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Trouble is he acted all boyfriendy with his attention and his cuddles and so she was led to believe that he was more into her than he was.
it was therefore a slap in the face to realise she was likely just one of the women he was considering...
Sex is a big deal to some women, it is not just a bit of fun, they get attached despite themselves. 
 

Many guys do this.

They get their daily or weekly dose of sex and feminine attention and affection and then bye bye and go on with their lives like it was nothing. To many men this is as casual as brushing their teeth, whilst the woman is left confused.

Most men that are just ‘looking for sex’, what they truly want is affection and not even realize it, so they act like that.

That is why women need to communicate openly and clearly. Open communication keeps the players at bay.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[littleblackheart]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

But you don't know anyone on the first date.  How can it be assumed that it's anything but casual right there?  Again, if she wanted to make clear that she is only interested in someone that's looking for a relationship then that's on her to make clear.  I don't approach dates by thinking that I'm looking for a girlfriend.  That type of thinking just allows the mind to go way too far in the future.  My goal is just to be in the moment.

Well then if your goal is to be in the moment, you tell your date that on day 1 and you give her some agency. You don't have to do it, but it's a nice touch. Start with low to no expectations and clear communication all the way on both parts. It's too late to freak out after date 4, and it's backpedaling a little than to announce you want casual after 4 dates. As I said, it's both parties shared responsibility. It's too easy for things to start getting blurry when when someone's caught feelings (yes, even by date 4) so you try and mitigate the risk as best you can by being as thoughtful as you can.

[dramafreezone]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Trouble is he acted all boyfriendy with his attention and his cuddles and so she was led to believe that he was more into her than he was.
it was therefore a slap in the face to realise she was likely just one of the women he was considering...
Sex is a big deal to some women, it is not just a bit of fun, they get attached despite themselves. 
 

Maybe, and this is just a hunch, maybe he enjoys her company and being around her?

Guys are not this idea of what women think they should be.  We don't fit into nice little boxes so that you can easily identify what we are without having to ask.  All of us are different actually and many of us enjoy the company of women, which means we might actually show affection, but that doesn't mean we want to jump into a relationship after four dates.

This entire issue is born out of her lack of communication regarding what she wants.

Edited February 6, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

I will probably get blasted for this, but you guys are reading way too much into this, they’ve only had four dates!

He knew where that convo was going and by saying he’s not in a rush (which neither he nor she should be), he was cutting the “where are we?/what are we?” convo right off at the pass.

As well he should as it’s much too soon to be asking this question or to even know where you want things to go. Again, it’s only been four dates regardless of the sex, since I am assuming she wanted it as much as he did? 

Or did she have a hidden agenda that he wasn’t aware of? Such that she was using sex as some sort of a bargaining chip in exchange for a committed relationship after only four dates?

OP, tell your friend if she likes this guy and wants him continuing to move closer to her emotionally leading to a committed relationship eventually, she should relax and chill out.

If me, I would have responded to his statement with “Neither am I!   We’ve only had four dates, let’s take it one day at a time and see where it leads.” And I would have meant it!

And then went on to have another great session of hot passionate sex.

What I've learned through the years is a man moves towards relationships much differently than a woman does and if you demand he adhere to your frame, you risk pushing him away and losing him.

If that happens, you might be thinking “good riddance then!” but that is such a crap attitude.  Try understanding their mindset, and how they move towards a relationship, fall in love and eventually commit.  I can almost guarantee you will net better more positive results.

You don’t do that by freaking out because he doesn’t want to rush into a committed relationship after four dates, and chooses to be honest with you about that. 

It’s not his fault she caught feels after sex.   Next time, don’t have sex so soon and that won’t happen.   Then you can relax more and allow things to develop gradually and naturally, and won’t be “freaking out” because he’s not in a rush to commit after four dates.

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

Just now, dramafreezone said:

This entire issue is born out of her lack of communication regarding what she wants.

Or his lack of communication about what he really wants, but that would not have served him well as if he had said at the start he was not looking for "serious" then the sex would not have happened... he knows that hence the "surprise " on date four, as opposed to date one.
He probably thought she was going to ask about exclusivity so he had to fend that one off pdq....

[dramafreezone]

 

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Or his lack of communication about what he really wants, but that would not have served him well as if he had said at the start he was not looking for "serious" then the sex would not have happened... he knows that hence the "surprise " on date four, as opposed to date one.
He probably thought she was going to ask about exclusivity so he had to fend that one off pdq....

I'm on the date to have a good time.  I have to say that?  I assume that's why the woman is there, but apparently that's not a safe assumption.  If she's there because she's looking to eventually start an exclusive relationship, then that's what she should say.

He never said he wasn't looking for anything serious.  He said "let's see where things go."

Edited February 6, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I will probably get blasted for this, but you guys are reading way too much into this, they’ve only had four dates!

He knew where that convo was going and by saying he’s not in a rush (which neither he nor she should be), he was cutting the “where are we?/what are we?” convo right off at the pass.

As well he should as it’s much too soon to be asking this question or to even know where you want things to go. Again, it’s only been four dates regardless of the sex, since I am assuming she wanted it as much as he did? 

Or did she have a hidden agenda that he wasn’t aware of? Such that she was using sex as some sort of a bargaining chip in exchange for a committed relationship after only four dates?

OP, tell your friend if she likes this guy and wants him continuing to move closer to her emotionally leading to a committed relationship eventually, she should relax and chill out.

If me, I would have responded to his statement with “Neither am I!   We’ve only had four dates, let’s take it one day at a time and see where it leads.” And I would have meant it!

And then went on to have another great session of hot passionate sex.

What I've learned through the years is a man moves towards relationships much differently than a woman does and if you demand he adhere to your frame, you risk pushing him away and losing him.

If that happens, you might be thinking “good riddance then!” but that is such a crap attitude.  Try understanding their mindset, and how they move towards a relationship, fall in love and eventually commit.  I can almost guarantee you will net better more positive results.

You don’t do that by freaking out because he doesn’t want to rush into a committed relationship after four dates, and chooses to be honest with you about that. 

It’s not his fault she caught feels after sex.   Next time, don’t have sex so soon and that won’t happen.   Then you can relax more and allow things to develop gradually and naturally, and won’t be “freaking out” because he’s not in a rush to commit after four dates.

 

In some cases yes, in this case the guy clearly knows it’s not going anywhere and is putting up a wall between them so no more conversation needed.

I think she needs to open up and communicate clearly what she wants, not ignore it and carry on having ‘hot passionate sex’ and feeling bad about it just so she ‘doesn’t lose the guy’.

Any relationship that has problems because of open communication is not a healthy one, regardless of the status of the relationship. 

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

 

I'm on the date to have a good time.  I have to say that?

He never said he wasn't looking for anything serious.  He said "let's see where things go."

Translation: don’t expect anything serious.  

[dramafreezone]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

Translation: don’t expect anything serious.  

Maybe, but how about ask him and find out for sure?

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Try understanding their mindset, and how they move towards a relationship, fall in love and eventually commit.  I can almost guarantee you will net better more positive results.

You don’t do that by freaking out because he doesn’t want to rush into a committed relationship after four dates, and chooses to be honest with you about that.

OK but is that not the mindset of commitmentphobic, emotionally unavailable men, men most women really need to avoid.
She may win her man over, but is he really worth it?
All she said was she liked spending time with him and he immediately threw up a huge wall...

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Maybe, but how about ask him and find out for sure?

Yes that I agree.

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

In some cases yes, in this case the guy clearly knows it’s not going anywhere and is putting up a wall between them so no more conversation needed.

How do you know that?  She wrote in her original post:

>>They had 4 dates over 3 weeks and he checks in with her every evening, sometimes to chat a bit, sometimes just to say hi, sometimes he'll send her a photo of what he was doing during the day or a selfie. He doesn't usually initiate text conversations during the day (it seems his job is quite demanding, so my take on this was that they guy is busy, and this makes sense!), but if she texts him during the day, he will always reply pretty quickly. He has also been very proactive about setting dates up in advance. 

>>So, on their four dates, things have gone well. They've had a good time, conversation flows easily, sex is good, and he seems cuddly (he wants to hold hands or cuddle after sex for instance).

Where do you get he clearly knows it's not going anywhere?  Because he's not in a rush to commit after four dates?  I see no evidence of that from what was posted.

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK but is that not the mindset of commitmentphobic, emotionally unavailable men, men most women really need to avoid.
She may win her man over, but is he really worth it?
All she said was she liked spending time with him and he immediately threw up a huge wall...

Exactly. He knows very well what he wants from her.

He is probably an avoidant type of guy who will not be honest with her even if she asks him directly, which she should.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Menara said:

Her dilemma starts here: on their last date, as they were all cuddled up she told him that she really enjoyed spending time with him. He replied "I like spending time with you too and I want to see where things go, but I'm not in a rush". This freaked her out as she interpreted it as "he wants things to stay casual". 

Here is how I would handle it and that's what I have done in the past. I simply tell the guy I am having a great time going on dates and getting to know him but if we are to be intimate I need sexual exclusivity. 

During my dating years, the men that have stick around have all accepted exclusivity at date 4 or 5, I even had a request for exclusivity on a date 3 before sex. It did not mean we were gf/bf, it only meant while *we take our time* to get to know each other we're not having sex with other people. 

Forgot to add: Cuddling means nothing. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Gaeta

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Here is how I would handle it and that's what I have done in the past. I simply tell the guy I am having a great time going on dates and getting to know him but if we are to be intimate I need sexual exclusivity. 

During my dating years, the men that have stick around have all accepted exclusivity at date 4 or 5, I even had a request for exclusivity on a date 3 before sex. It did not mean we were gf/bf, it only meant while *we take our time* to get to know each other we're not having sex with other people. 

Forgot to add: Cuddling means nothing. 

This guy is playing the field. Why rush with her when there is so much fish in the sea, right!? 

She needs to decide what she wants to do basically.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How do you know that?  She wrote in her original post:

>>They had 4 dates over 3 weeks and he checks in with her every evening, sometimes to chat a bit, sometimes just to say hi, sometimes he'll send her a photo of what he was doing during the day or a selfie. He doesn't usually initiate text conversations during the day (it seems his job is quite demanding, so my take on this was that they guy is busy, and this makes sense!), but if she texts him during the day, he will always reply pretty quickly. He has also been very proactive about setting dates up in advance. 

>>So, on their four dates, things have gone well. They've had a good time, conversation flows easily, sex is good, and he seems cuddly (he wants to hold hands or cuddle after sex for instance).

Where do you get he clearly knows it's not going anywhere?  Because he's not in a rush to commit after four dates?  I see no evidence of that from what was posted.

 

Because he knows already what he wants from her and is not being honest. Clear as water.

[dramafreezone]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

Because he knows already what he wants from her and is not being honest. Clear as water.

You're making a lot of assumptions.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

All she said was she liked spending time with him and he immediately threw up a huge wall...

Okay, a bit of a mood killer, but it doesn't necessary mean he's commitmentphobic or emotionally unavailable.  My guess is he is used to women pushing, wanting to define things too quickly and his comment was intended to avoid that, to allow the relationship to develop gradually and naturally, the way it's meant to develop.

I see nothin bad or negative at all, and like I said, if me I would have cutely smiled and said "neither am I, one day a time" and meant it.  In fact, a man wanting to commit to me after only four dates is what would have freaked me out, not him telling me he's not in a rush.  

Anyway, that's my take.  My attitude has worked for me but if she's uncomfortable with his pace, or she thinks he's a "player" or "commitmentphobe" then dump him and find someone else.  It really is that easy.

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by poppyfields