What does it mean when a guy says 'I want to see where things go'

[Menara]

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday who, like me, has been in the dating scene. She met a guy recently, and things have been going pretty well from what I understand. They had 4 dates over 3 weeks and he checks in with her every evening, sometimes to chat a bit, sometimes just to say hi, sometimes he'll send her a photo of what he was doing during the day or a selfie. He doesn't usually initiate text conversations during the day (it seems his job is quite demanding, so my take on this was that they guy is busy, and this makes sense!), but if she texts him during the day, he will always reply pretty quickly. He has also been very proactive about setting dates up in advance. 

So, on their four dates, things have gone well. They've had a good time, conversation flows easily, sex is good, and he seems cuddly (he wants to hold hands or cuddle after sex for instance).

Her dilemma starts here: on their last date, as they were all cuddled up she told him that she really enjoyed spending time with him. He replied "I like spending time with you too and I want to see where things go, but I'm not in a rush". This freaked her out as she interpreted it as "he wants things to stay casual". 

So, we started a big discussion on what that means when a guy says "I want to see where things go". My take on this was that after four dates only, it's unrealistic to expect more than "seeing where things go" because you don't really know each other that well at that point. If he had told her that after 6 months, then yes, that would have been a sign that he is reluctant to commit. 

But just wondering what other people think about this? 

 

Edited February 5, 2021 by Menara

[d0nnivain]

Her interpretation seems spot on to me but that may not be bad because like you said it's still pretty early 3 weeks / 4 dates.    

She should chill & not push for right now & see what happens.  If nothing changes in a month then she can reassess.  Plus how he handles V-day will tell her a lot.  If he does anything I think she'll be fine.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Menara said:

He replied "I like spending time with you too and I want to see where things go, but I'm not in a rush". This freaked her out as she interpreted it as "he wants things to stay casual".

Pretty much. "I'm in no rush"? 4 dates she can't expect much but he volunteered the don't get attached disclaimer.

[Gaeta]

I'm not in a rush in my experience is used by men that are recently out of a relationship and aren't in a hurry to make anything official and want to play the field. 

If I were her I would not hold my breath on this guy. I would never go on a first meeting with a man saying he's not in a rush. Did she ask him what he was looking for? A girl has got to filter these men a little. Ask them what they're looking for, how  long they've been single, etc etc. She should ask him while he's not in a rush what he thinks of exclusivity. If he doesn't want to date her exclusively but still want sex.......next him. Tell your friend to not be afraid to look out for herself and to dismiss these players early.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Gaeta

[Ruby Slippers]

It could go either way, but I don't think it sounds great. In my experience, a man knows pretty quickly if he sees real potential, and if he does, he wants to lock you down pretty quickly - especially once sex happens.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Menara said:

Her dilemma starts here: on their last date, as they were all cuddled up she told him that she really enjoyed spending time with him. He replied "I like spending time with you too and I want to see where things go, but I'm not in a rush". This freaked her out as she interpreted it as "he wants things to stay casual".

I guess she is correct. He wiped out any warm fuzzy feelings she had for him in an instant.
He is telling her don't get any ideas, this is not what you think.
Too many guys seem to be in a rush to get sex, but the next bit seems to be more problematic for them...
He seems accomplished in the boyfriendy actions, no doubt to get what he wants, but  he definitely
 then slammed on the brakes.

[dramafreezone]

He just wants to keep things casual because he senses the woman is going too fast.  I think it's clear.  The fact that she got freaked out is confirmation that she's going too fast.

It's only been four dates.  I just think he's trying to set expectations, which is a responsible thing to do.

Edited February 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[littleblackheart]

4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

It's only been four dates.  I just think he's trying to set expectations, which is a responsible thing to do.

Valid point if that was said pre-intimacy. A very respectful and, as you said, a responsible thing to do

After sex, the boundaries are a bit more blurred. 

[Emilyinroses]

Tell her to tell the guy ‘ok let’s stop the sex then so we can see better where this is going’. Also ‘I don’t so casual sex, so let’s stop that until you know where this is going’, and see if he sticks around.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[dramafreezone]

4 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

Valid point if that was said pre-intimacy. A very respectful and, as you said, a responsible thing to do

After sex, the boundaries are a bit more blurred. 

He can't read her mind.  I think he assumed that she engaged in sex with him because she enjoys sex and she likes him, and that's it.

3 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Tell her to tell the guy ‘ok let’s stop the sex then so we can see better where this is going’. Also ‘I don’t so casual sex, so let’s stop that until you know where this is going’, and see if he sticks around.

Soooooo, in your mind sex is something that can be used as a bargaining chip for a relationship?  If he doesn't declare "where this is going" then it's off the table?  A bit manipulative don't you think?

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

He can't read her mind.  I think he assumed that she engaged in sex with him because she enjoys sex and she likes him, and that's it.

Soooooo, in your mind sex is something that can be used as a bargaining chip for a relationship?  If he doesn't declare "where this is going" then it's off the table?  A bit manipulative don't you think?

No, he is the one being manipulative, wanting sex but putting a wall between them as in ‘don’t expect more than this or for me to be honest about it’.

She is just being smart by not sleeping anymore with a guy who is playing her.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[basil67]

I think it's problematic to try and decipher what someone else is thinking based on one sentence.  She must look at the bigger picture.  I think there are two questions which need to be answered:

• Has she determined whether or not he's seeing any other women?   If he is, then she should consider that he's not keen enough to take himself off the market
• Why is he dating?  Is he looking for a relationship or does he just want casual?

If she's looking for a relationship, these questions must be asked.  And if they scare a guy away, then he was never going to be The One.

Edited February 5, 2021 by basil67
punctuation

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

No, he is the one being manipulative, wanting sex but putting a wall between them as in ‘don’t expect more than this or for me to be honest about it’.

She is just being smart by not sleeping anymore with a guy who is playing her.

Saying "let's see where it goes" is non-committal, but it's not a statement that he doesn't want a relationship eventually.  He's just saying slow down, probably because he's dated enough women to know when one is getting attached very quickly, or it may be that he just doesn't know how he feels about her yet.

The manipulative thing to do would be to say he wants a relationship when that's not the case to completely take advantage of her.  He's not doing that.

[smackie9]

Playing the field, wants sex.

[littleblackheart]

14 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

He can't read her mind.  I think he assumed that she engaged in sex with him because she enjoys sex and she likes him, and that's it.

I agree with you but it's one of those things a decent person would check upfront, to avoid these kinds of tergiversations.

He may have good intentions, not judging him one way or the other, just saying these chats should come before one of the parties gets too attached (often after sex, for some people). She could have said something too, I guess.

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Saying "let's see where it goes" is non-committal

Yes, but the "I am not in a rush" tells the real story...

[dramafreezone]

4 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

I agree with you but it's one of those things a decent person would check upfront, to avoid these kinds of tergiversations.

He may have good intentions, not judging him one way or the other, just saying these chats should come before one of the parties gets too attached (often after sex, for some people). She could have said something too, I guess.

She's the one that's having an issue, so if she wanted to weed out someone just looking for sex then that would've been relatively easy.  That was her responsibility if it was that important to her.

I can't imagine going on a date with a woman and saying "you're ok with just sex right?"  If he said one thing on the first date and is saying another thing now, then that would be different, and I would be slamming the guy.  But I haven't heard that that was the case here.

Edited February 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

It doesn't matter what it means. 

If your heart and mind tell you that it's not going anywhere, it's time to end it because you're on the road to nowhere.

[Emilyinroses]

32 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Saying "let's see where it goes" is non-committal, but it's not a statement that he doesn't want a relationship eventually.  He's just saying slow down, probably because he's dated enough women to know when one is getting attached very quickly, or it may be that he just doesn't know how he feels about her yet.

The manipulative thing to do would be to say he wants a relationship when that's not the case to completely take advantage of her.  He's not doing that.

Guys know pretty quick when they see potential with a woman and want to keep her and show that to her.

A guy who says something like this is either:

a) He knows it’s not going anywhere but the sex and attention from her are good

b) He is emotionally unavailable

c) Playing the field

Why would a woman date a man who says something like this to her is beyond my comprehension.

Any woman deserves a man who adores her. Not a flaky guy who puts walls between them.

Guys do not take ages to see ‘where this is going’. They know! 

And if a guy says something like this and later on decides to be in a committed relationship with the woman is because he decided to settle, not because he suddenly realized she is the one!

Women need to say no to these wishy washy boys and wait for a man instead.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[BaileyB]

I’m curious, what was her response...

It was her opportunity for her to put it out there.., “Me too. But, I am ultimately hoping to find a long term relationship...”

If she wants something more serious, she needs to let him know. She can’t read his mind, and he can’t read her mind... It’s too soon to expect any kind of commitment. But, it’s reasonable to ask if he is looking to keep it casual or perhaps, looking for a longer term relationship...

Edited February 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Menara said:

My take on this was that after four dates only, it's unrealistic to expect more than "seeing where things go" because you don't really know each other that well at that point. If he had told her that after 6 months, then yes, that would have been a sign that he is reluctant to commit. 

I agree with you Menara. After 4 dates, they're essentially still strangers despite having already had sex with each other. His response is actually truthful (because that's how he feels, why condemn him for it) and it's reasonable (nobody should expect an exclusive relationship after just 4 dates). 

Please advise your friend to adjust her expectations. She's only upset because of what SHE wants vs. what the reality is. He did nothing wrong except share his feelings about the situation. She's mad b/c she's trying to force him to be in an exclusive relationship with her already. Oxytocin is the hormone in the brain, that makes women crazy attached after they have sex with a guy. Sounds like she's having an Oxytocin response and needs to calm down, enjoy the relationship AS IT IS, and just let things naturally unfold and progress more slowly. She needs to accept that you cannot rush a relationship b/c it will crash and burn otherwise. 

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Guys know pretty quick when they see potential with a woman and want to keep her and show that to her.

A guy who says something like this is either:

a) He knows it’s not going anywhere but the sex and attention from her are good

b) He is emotionally unavailable

c) Playing the field

Why would a woman date a man who says something like this to her is beyond my comprehension.

Any woman deserves a man who adores her. Not a flaky guy who puts walls between them.

Guys do not take ages to see ‘where this is going’. They know! 

And if a guy says something like this and later on stays in a committed relationship with the woman Is because he decided to settle, not because he suddenly find out she is the one.

Women need to say no to these wishy washy boys and wait for a man instead.

It's. Been. Four. Dates.

So a man that enjoys casual sex is flaky and a "boy?"  I thought people had sex because they enjoyed it and they enjoy the people that they're spending time with, not because it's an implicit gateway toward a committed relationship.

How about she be an adult and actually convey to this guy what she wants instead of expecting him to read her mind?  Maybe he might just say "well that's not what I'm looking for, maybe it's best that we not date anymore."  His comment was non-commital but she's not communicating at all.

[littleblackheart]

30 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She's the one that's having an issue, so if she wanted to weed out someone just looking for sex then that would've been relatively easy.  That was her responsibility if it was that important to her.

I can't imagine going on a date with a woman and saying "you're ok with just sex right?"  If he said one thing on the first date and is saying another thing now, then that would be different, and I would be slamming the guy.  But I haven't heard that that was the case here.

I think it's both parties' responsibilities to check where the boundaries are. Saying to someone on day 1, 'hey I prefer to keep things casual for a while' doesn't sound the same as saying it after date 4 (the sex part might be irrelevant, I don't know). 4 dates isn't a lot, but it's further down the line. Some people already know they've found their match sooner than this. The number of dates doesn't matter, imo.

 

Edited February 5, 2021 by littleblackheart

[Watercolors]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m curious, what was her response...

It was the perfect opportunity for her to say, “Me too. But, I am ultimately hoping to find a long term relationship...”

If she wants something more serious, she needs to let him know. She can’t read his mind, and he can’t read her mind... if they are having sex, they should be able to have some kind of a conversation about expectations... no commitment required, just curious to know what you are hoping to find for your life. 

Exactly. She had the perfect opening to tell him what her expectations are for them both. Why didn't she share her REAL feelings with him. Telling him she was happy with being casual, when that's not what she really feels, is misleading on her part. He can't fix that about her. She has to own up to her real feelings with him and she has to do it over text or email or in person before the next sex-capade. Otherwise, I'm afraid your friend is responsible for the downfall of this love connection. She cannot blame anything on this poor guy where her true feelings and goals are for their connection. All your friend can do, is express her real desires "to be in a relationship with HIM in the near future," and wait for him to respond. If he's not interested, well ok, she has to accept reality and be hurt and get over it. If he responds that he wants to stay slow and casual, then your friend has to be a grown up and either truthfully go along with that plan, or end things b/c she wants a relationship right now which he knows he can't give her. 

[Gaeta]

51 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She's the one that's having an issue, so if she wanted to weed out someone just looking for sex then that would've been relatively easy.  That was her responsibility if it was that important to her.

I agree having sex with a guy without asking all the proper questions first is asking to be played. People have to be smart when on the dating market. OP's friend need to educate herself on what the dating world is like nowadays and learn out to weed out the players and time wasters. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Gaeta