This guy wanted to make me wait on our first date

[peach302]

6 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Sounds to me like it was unexpected. Maybe his boss dropped a file on his desk that needed to be addressed before he left, who knows?

He's supposed to reserve only weekend nights for a first meetup because he might be handed some extra work or a project might take longer than expected? No, he does his job, lives his life and if something comes up that will delay him he gives the person he is supposed to meet a good amount of notice and life goes on.

When they were arranging the date he should have said it then ...not on the day.

He could have said i can't give an exact time..just an approximation since i may stay behind late. 

Surely it can't be the first time this has happened. If it in fact is the truth.

 

[peach302]

4 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

You'd think there would be proof of a full body alien probe. I don't know, marks from a clamp or restraining straps or whatever.

Noooooo prooof he was trying to flake

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Yes there are a lot of crazy theories being thrown around on this thread. Maybe he was abducted by space aliens but was embarassed because of the full body probe and by the time they released him back to earth he realized he would be late but didn't want to admit what happened.

Lol @ he was abducted by space aliens, that's as good a theory as anything else!  

Trident, you don't know, no more than any of us, what this guy's agenda was, or if he had one.

It all could be legit, or it may not be.  The only person who knows is him.

Today after reading OP's post again and how he phrased it - not knowing when he would be done but would send her updates?  An hour and a half before the scheduled time to meet?

I work in an extremely high pressure office environment, this very rarely would happen. 

Also, this is a first meet, first impressions matter. They're not regularly dating wherein some semblance of trust has been developed.  

However, again it could all be 100% legit, or it may not be.  

It not like no one ever did something like that to get out of a first meet or date.  Shyt like this does happen.

 

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[girlnextdoor2020]

38 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol @ he was abducted by space aliens, that's as good a theory as anything else!  

Trident, you don't know, no more than any of us, what this guy's agenda was, or if he had one.

It all could be legit, or it may not be.  The only person who knows is him.

Today after reading OP's post again and how he phrased it - not knowing when he would be done but would send her updates?  An hour and a half before the scheduled time to meet?

I work in an extremely high pressure office environment, this very rarely would happen. 

Also, this is a first meet, first impressions matter. They're not regularly dating wherein some semblance of trust has been developed.  

However, again it could all be 100% legit, or it may not be.  

It not like no one ever did something like that to get out of a first meet or date.  Shyt like this does happen.

 

 

Thank your for your replies and everyone else that replied too.

Funny that when he said to me he was going to be late, I didn’t think he wanted to flake, but now I think he did it on purpose. Also, before he sent me that message saying he was going to be late, I had a strange feeling about the date, and them BAM got his message.

One thing I didn’t like about him when we were arranging the date was his suggestion to come to my house. I said no to him and we decided on a walk.

So today we texted each other, and he said he felt asleep when he got home from work on our date day as he was so tired.

I told him ok good we didn’t meet then so you could rest. I also told him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet that day because it suddenly started to rain a lot. 

And he says ‘well we could go to your car just to talk to get out of the rain’ (he doesn’t have a car).

I told him sorry but I don’t put someone in my car I am meeting for the first time! That might be ok with other people but not with me, and I found his suggestion too much.

Then he said I cancelled the date! I told him that no I did not cancel the date, I wanted to reschedule it for another day when he can be there on time, so I don’t wait indefinitely. 

Then he said oh ok, let’s hope next time it will be better... but didn’t ask anything whatsoever when can I meet again, and is now the weekend when we both don’t work.

I don’t like his vibe to be honest, and the suggestion of coming to my house, the wanting to make me wait and then the suggestion to get in my car are just too much for me.

Now I think he was trying to flake and still is. Not interested.

Edited February 6, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020

[trident_2020]

Doesn't look very promising with the updated information you provided.

 

[sushiandtacos]

OP, it seems like one of your "non-negotiables" is perfectly being on time, but life doesn't work that way. I think that you are overthinking and assuming the guy does not have good intentions when he doesn't follow every rule or check every box for the first date. Heck, just recently experienced (posted a thread about) a guy who made vague plans to hangout and it turned into me doing all the planning  which is not ideal.

It would've been easy for me to be petty and cancel plans because he didn't do the "basics", but instead I went anyway and heck had a great time! A lot of the times dating isn't black and white, and when you stop assuming the worst in people and being super nit-picky, you have a more positive outlook with any relationship, not just with dating. Just thought I'd share since I recently went through something vaguely similar

[sushiandtacos]

18 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Thank your for your replies and everyone else that replied too.

Funny that when he said to me he was going to be late, I didn’t think he wanted to flake, but now I think he did it on purpose. Also, before he sent me that message saying he was going to be late, I had a strange feeling about the date, and them BAM got his message.

One thing I didn’t like about him when we were arranging the date was his suggestion to come to my house. I said no to him and we decided on a walk.

So today we texted each other, and he said he felt asleep when he got home from work on our date day as he was so tired.

I told him ok good we didn’t meet then so you could rest. I also told him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet that day because it suddenly started to rain a lot. 

And he says ‘well we could go to your car just to talk to get out of the rain’ (he doesn’t have a car).

I told him sorry but I don’t put someone in my car I am meeting for the first time! That might be ok with other people but not with me, and I found his suggestion too much.

Then he said I cancelled the date! I told him that no I did not cancel the date, I wanted to reschedule it for another day when he can be there on time, so I don’t wait indefinitely. 

Then he said oh ok, let’s hope next time it will be better... but didn’t ask anything whatsoever when can I meet again, and is now the weekend when we both don’t work.

I don’t like his vibe to be honest, and the suggestion of coming to my house, the wanting to make me wait and then the suggestion to get in my car are just too much for me.

Now I think he was trying to flake and still is. Not interested.

Sorry I just read this lol, but yes that is very strange his idea of a date is talking in your car lol 

[girlnextdoor2020]

16 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

OP, it seems like one of your "non-negotiables" is perfectly being on time, but life doesn't work that way. I think that you are overthinking and assuming the guy does not have good intentions when he doesn't follow every rule or check every box for the first date. Heck, just recently experienced (posted a thread about) a guy who made vague plans to hangout and it turned into me doing all the planning  which is not ideal.

It would've been easy for me to be petty and cancel plans because he didn't do the "basics", but instead I went anyway and heck had a great time! A lot of the times dating isn't black and white, and when you stop assuming the worst in people and being super nit-picky, you have a more positive outlook with any relationship, not just with dating. Just thought I'd share since I recently went through something vaguely similar

No you are wrong. One of my non negotiables is not being on time, is how you act around not being on time.

I would never tell someone I am meeting for the first time ‘I will be late, don’t know how long, wait for me I’ll send you updates’. 

To me that is disrespectful of the other person’s time and energy.

Good for you if it turned out well. In the past I wasn’t this picky and had many not good situations where I ignored how I feel or didn’t put my boundaries. Not anymore.

Now I want something that makes me feel good and do not accept less than.

The way you act in the beginning of dating sets the stage for all the rest that will happen later. 

If I accept crap, more crap will come.

And many guys are great in doing stuff to test boundaries, like making you wait, see if you accept him in your house or car pretty soon, etc. They do it on purpose. No thank you.

Now I want something good and simple. Arrange a day and a time to go for a walk, be there and enjoy it. Simple as that.

Edited February 6, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020

[peach302]

23 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Doesn't look very promising with the updated information you provided.

 

Someone changed their mind quick

[sushiandtacos]

2 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

No you are wrong. One of my non negotiables is not being on time, is how you act around not being on time.

I would never tell someone I am meeting for the first time ‘I will be late, don’t know how long, wait for me I’ll send you updates’. 

To me that is disrespectful of the other person’s time and energy.

Good for you if it turned out well. In the past I wasn’t this picky and had many not good situations where I ignored how I feel or didn’t put my boundaries. Not anymore.

Now I want something that makes me feel good and do not accept less than.

The way you act in the beginning of dating sets the stage for all the rest that will happen later. 

If I accept crap, more crap will come. No thank you.

Although I do not really appreciate the passive aggressive tone in this post especially when I thought I'd share my 2 cents, it's ultimately your dating life so do as you will. I will kindly hold back some my thoughts about your last sentence, but I will say it's a very unhealthy mindset thinking you are accepting "crap" when you have not even met the poor fellow yet. But the best of luck!!!!!!

[peach302]

31 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Thank your for your replies and everyone else that replied too.

Funny that when he said to me he was going to be late, I didn’t think he wanted to flake, but now I think he did it on purpose. Also, before he sent me that message saying he was going to be late, I had a strange feeling about the date, and them BAM got his message.

One thing I didn’t like about him when we were arranging the date was his suggestion to come to my house. I said no to him and we decided on a walk.

So today we texted each other, and he said he felt asleep when he got home from work on our date day as he was so tired.

I told him ok good we didn’t meet then so you could rest. I also told him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet that day because it suddenly started to rain a lot. 

And he says ‘well we could go to your car just to talk to get out of the rain’ (he doesn’t have a car).

I told him sorry but I don’t put someone in my car I am meeting for the first time! That might be ok with other people but not with me, and I found his suggestion too much.

Then he said I cancelled the date! I told him that no I did not cancel the date, I wanted to reschedule it for another day when he can be there on time, so I don’t wait indefinitely. 

Then he said oh ok, let’s hope next time it will be better... but didn’t ask anything whatsoever when can I meet again, and is now the weekend when we both don’t work.

I don’t like his vibe to be honest, and the suggestion of coming to my house, the wanting to make me wait and then the suggestion to get in my car are just too much for me.

Now I think he was trying to flake and still is. Not interested.

Car dates is a no. I usually think the man wants to get some action if that's their suggestion. 

[peach302]

13 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

No you are wrong. One of my non negotiables is not being on time, is how you act around not being on time.

I would never tell someone I am meeting for the first time ‘I will be late, don’t know how long, wait for me I’ll send you updates’. 

To me that is disrespectful of the other person’s time and energy.

Good for you if it turned out well. In the past I wasn’t this picky and had many not good situations where I ignored how I feel or didn’t put my boundaries. Not anymore.

Now I want something that makes me feel good and do not accept less than.

The way you act in the beginning of dating sets the stage for all the rest that will happen later. 

If I accept crap, more crap will come.

And many guys are great in doing stuff to test boundaries, like making you wait, see if you accept him in your house or car pretty soon, etc. They do it on purpose. No thank you.

Now I want something good and simple. Arrange a day and a time to go for a walk, be there and enjoy it. Simple as that.

Didnt you have some other guy you met and you said you had chemistry with?

It was you im sure . What happened with him?

[peach302]

41 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Thank your for your replies and everyone else that replied too.

Funny that when he said to me he was going to be late, I didn’t think he wanted to flake, but now I think he did it on purpose. Also, before he sent me that message saying he was going to be late, I had a strange feeling about the date, and them BAM got his message.

One thing I didn’t like about him when we were arranging the date was his suggestion to come to my house. I said no to him and we decided on a walk.

So today we texted each other, and he said he felt asleep when he got home from work on our date day as he was so tired.

I told him ok good we didn’t meet then so you could rest. I also told him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet that day because it suddenly started to rain a lot. 

And he says ‘well we could go to your car just to talk to get out of the rain’ (he doesn’t have a car).

I told him sorry but I don’t put someone in my car I am meeting for the first time! That might be ok with other people but not with me, and I found his suggestion too much.

Then he said I cancelled the date! I told him that no I did not cancel the date, I wanted to reschedule it for another day when he can be there on time, so I don’t wait indefinitely. 

Then he said oh ok, let’s hope next time it will be better... but didn’t ask anything whatsoever when can I meet again, and is now the weekend when we both don’t work.

I don’t like his vibe to be honest, and the suggestion of coming to my house, the wanting to make me wait and then the suggestion to get in my car are just too much for me.

Now I think he was trying to flake and still is. Not interested.

he suggested your house? And then your car?

And then when you suggested a walk he agreed...then on the day he says hes gonna be running late.

Interesting

I think by that time i would have assumed the worst already to be honest.

Edited February 6, 2021 by peach302

[girlnextdoor2020]

13 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

Although I do not really appreciate the passive aggressive tone in this post especially when I thought I'd share my 2 cents, it's ultimately your dating life so do as you will. I will kindly hold back some my thoughts about your last sentence, but I will say it's a very unhealthy mindset thinking you are accepting "crap" when you have not even met the poor fellow yet. But the best of luck!!!!!!

I didn’t say the guy was crap, I said the behaviour was crap. I like to vet people online before I met them in person, and the times I ignored my intuition and met them, they turned out to be exactly like I thought, or worse.

My message wasn’t passive aggressive, was very direct. Thank you for your reply.

Edited February 6, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020

[girlnextdoor2020]

15 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Car dates is a no. I usually think the man wants to get some action if that's their suggestion. 

Yes, I thought that too. And if things don’t go well for some reason how do I get him out of my car? It’s dangerous and I think a decent man would never suggest that.

If it starts raining, maybe wait for ME to suggest it since it is my car.

But it seems he was already thinking about that and had it all figured out.

Edited February 6, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020

[Gaeta]

47 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

One thing I didn’t like about him when we were arranging the date was his suggestion to come to my house.

You should have mentioned that in your original story. When you hear something like this you hang up and go to next guy. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

You should have mentioned that in your original story. When you hear something like this you hang up and go to next guy. 

Yes I was focusing on the situation around the date and forgot to mention that. And yes I should have hung up and next.

Well I did that today after hearing him saying we could get in my car on the first date. Blocked and deleted already.

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, I think we’re getting closer. If you’re wasting time with people trying to nail down a date who are clearly just wasting time you can’t be surprised when they flake(or don’t set up, confirm etc etc). Asking you to come over to your house his house before even meeting is a huge red flag. He showed you right there. Don’t bother even talking to people like that.

 

but yea my guess is he flaked bc he doesn’t wanna go on a date that much he’s just wanting to come over and smash ... 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

One thing I didn’t like about him when we were arranging the date was his suggestion to come to my house. I said no to him and we decided on a walk.

So today we texted each other, and he said he felt asleep when he got home from work on our date day as he was so tired.

I told him ok good we didn’t meet then so you could rest. I also told him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet that day because it suddenly started to rain a lot. 

And he says ‘well we could go to your car just to talk to get out of the rain’ (he doesn’t have a car).

Then he said I cancelled the date! I told him that no I did not cancel the date, I wanted to reschedule it for another day when he can be there on time, so I don’t wait indefinitely. 

Then he said oh ok, let’s hope next time it will be better... but didn’t ask anything whatsoever when can I meet again, and is now the weekend when we both don’t work.

I think you mentioned this guy in another thread. When I read your original post in this thread, I actually wondered if he was the same guy who wanted to visit your home.

While we had no way of knowing his intentions when responding to your original post, the way he tried to "fix" his inability to show on time was certainly lousy. I'm still chuckling at that suggestion that you wait indefinitely. "I'll be 2 hours late," is one thing. "Perhaps you could wait for me; I don't know when I'll show, but I'll keep sending you updates," is a ridiculous thing to tell someone you're meeting for the very first time. It's so ridiculous that it made me think that either this guy didn't have basic social skills or had a chip on his shoulder where women and dating were concerned. 

Now that you've given us additional information, I think this guy really sets all the alarm bells off.

Edited February 7, 2021 by Acacia98

[Miss Spider]

Wait this slow text guy? I thought you were just running into a long string of these dudes. Girllllll. How cute is this guy? Plz let this dud go 

Edited February 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

Although I do not really appreciate the passive aggressive tone in this post especially when I thought I'd share my 2 cents, it's ultimately your dating life so do as you will. I will kindly hold back some my thoughts about your last sentence, but I will say it's a very unhealthy mindset thinking you are accepting "crap" when you have not even met the poor fellow yet. But the best of luck!!!!!!

the passive aggressive tone TBH is exactly why the OP has the dating problems she has.  Sorry, GND, that's definitely part of the problem as much as you might not like to hear it.

Lol, what I also want to know, is that how are you ignoring the fact that the guy does not have a car (presuming that you live in a city that it's normal to have a car, since you do have one) while nitpicking the guys words about his having to work late to death?  Like one is a fact that probably does have bearing on where he is in life and his ability to be the sort of partner that it seems like you are looking for and the other is just a ton of conjecture and speculation.

And if he was trying to get out of the date or a bit lackluster with his effort, again, you can easily be like "i'm so grateful I didn't waste time on that guy", and cheerfully be on your way.  I hate to remind you but my recollection is that this is a similar theme with your other dates that have been arranged. Two takeaways from that is that you should realize that a) at this point you are bumping into it enough that you should realize it's common enough in OLD to take it with a grain of salt.  OLD has flakey people, it comes with the territory.  Instead you are taking on all the negative energy, creating more of it on your own and have a huge chip on your shoulder. b) the common denominator is you as far as getting guys that go from interested in meeting you, to messaging with you, to losing interest.  What are they learning about you from point A to Z?  How are you presenting yourself energetically? It is part of the reason why at least some of the dates never end up happening.  You can't take your own actions out of the equation of what the outcomes of these interactions are.  

If you want to put arbitrary rules on how you manage these beginning stages with guys, it will have an impact on how your dating goes.  I think the rules are stupid but you are apparently doing it to faux-protect yourself...so then do it happily and stop getting so angry about the guys who won't submit to your way of doing things or bow out along the way.  It's a plan of your design and by your own description, it's going to work for you.  So let it.  

*btw, I don't agree that it will but rigid will find rigid and I believe that there could still be someone out there for you.  It will just be harder to find. You will just have to get truly comfortable with the way you've chosen to date.  You can't be both pissed that someone you've deemed not your style and not that into you doesn't make it out onto the date with you.  I mean who cares?  He didn't waste your time.  This is how your dating structure works.  Any deviation a little too far to the left or right, cut him off.  If you think that is the right plan for you to follow, then be truly committed to it.

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Thank your for your replies and everyone else that replied too.

Funny that when he said to me he was going to be late, I didn’t think he wanted to flake, but now I think he did it on purpose. Also, before he sent me that message saying he was going to be late, I had a strange feeling about the date, and them BAM got his message.

One thing I didn’t like about him when we were arranging the date was his suggestion to come to my house. I said no to him and we decided on a walk.

So today we texted each other, and he said he felt asleep when he got home from work on our date day as he was so tired.

I told him ok good we didn’t meet then so you could rest. I also told him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet that day because it suddenly started to rain a lot. 

And he says ‘well we could go to your car just to talk to get out of the rain’ (he doesn’t have a car).

I told him sorry but I don’t put someone in my car I am meeting for the first time! That might be ok with other people but not with me, and I found his suggestion too much.

Then he said I cancelled the date! I told him that no I did not cancel the date, I wanted to reschedule it for another day when he can be there on time, so I don’t wait indefinitely. 

Then he said oh ok, let’s hope next time it will be better... but didn’t ask anything whatsoever when can I meet again, and is now the weekend when we both don’t work.

I don’t like his vibe to be honest, and the suggestion of coming to my house, the wanting to make me wait and then the suggestion to get in my car are just too much for me.

Now I think he was trying to flake and still is. Not interested.

@girlnextdoor2020 Hey thanks for the update on your thread. 

Personally, I am on your side here. I have even been in the same situation with OLD guys like yours, where an hour or so before our scheduled date, they sent me a noncommittal "sorry, I have to work/do something else before the date" leaving it open ended, as if I was supposed to sit there and wait for them. I've even been ghosted. 

I think your instinct about him is spot on: he tried to flake out on the first date with you with that flimsy text message. I disagree with everyone in the thread who told you it's attitude that's the issue (it's definitely not). This guy -- he's a flake. That whole "work late" open ended text, was his attempt to weasel out of that date with you. If he'd really wanted to see you in person for that walk, he would have actually texted you something more straightforward, that validated your feelings. Something like, "Hey, I know this is lame, but I need to reschedule our first date to 'such and such' date and time. Is that ok with you?" So, I don't for a minute, buy his excuse that he had to work late, and would you just wait for him. I mean, how old is this loser? 

So yes, he did flake on you, that day, on purpose. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. He should have just been honest with you and told you he'd changed his mind and wasn't interested after all. HOWEVER, most men who online date, can't be bothered to be be honest like that, since they're multi-dating and they view women as options to sift through. 

Now, to your updated post above...

So, he tries the old switcharoonie on you, in order to deflect any blame on himself, and accuses you of canceling the date. How...lame. He clearly did not even want to go out on the date with you and didn't have the cahones to tell you the truth from the start. 

And then he tried to suggest meeting inside your car as a first date? What is he? A serial killer? He seems really immature and inept for a man to suggest such nonsense. Of course you shouldn't meet him in your car! He's a total stranger. Eeek! Glad you nixed that dumb idea of his. 

He's not interested. And my question to you is: WHY on earth are YOU still interested in this guy? I hope to god you're not interested. Just block and delete him already and try another guy's profile. 

[Fletch Lives]

9 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Yes I was focusing on the situation around the date and forgot to mention that. And yes I should have hung up and next.

Well I did that today after hearing him saying we could get in my car on the first date. Blocked and deleted already.

Get in the car with a stranger? Stranger danger!

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

 his suggestion to come to my house. (he doesn’t have a car)..

You dodged a bullet. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Actually, delete and block people sooner rather than entertain anyone who presents red flags like this right away.

The problem with OLD, is burnout. That means streamlining things and screening well.

For example inviting themselves to your place should be an instant block.

[girlnextdoor2020]

9 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Wait this slow text guy? I thought you were just running into a long string of these dudes. Girllllll. How cute is this guy? Plz let this dud go 

This was a different guy.