January Eve Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) I was dating a guy who recently had a baby with someone else. When I first met him, he told me him and his ex were no longer together and she got pregnant again from a drunken night. They now have two children together. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Things started off casual, but after a while I got sick of him not committing and demanded more. We started spending more time together and I fell in love. Things were never great, but we had a lot of special moments. After months of being exclusive he started acting out. He would disappear for days and blame it on his depression. He recently lost his job and had to provide for two children, which one of them was a newborn. So I would try to sympathize with him, not knowing I was letting him get away with things that would later lead me to the truth. Every time he disappears he shows up days later with excuses. He says we fight too much and needed time to himself. We would often fight because his ex would call all hours of the night starting drama. I knew those excuses were crap, but I loved him so much that I forgave him each time. It started happening a lot. I would try to leave, but he runs after me begging me not to leave and says he will be a better boyfriend. Things will be cool for a while and he starts disappearing for days and I was always left heartbroken, knowing he’s probably out with other girls or his ex. One day his kids mom reached out to me on Facebook and told me they were dating the entire time. I always had my suspicions about them still sleeping together, but not them being in a relationship. The times he would disappear, he was playing house/family with her. He denied everything, but once I started paying close attention, I saw she was indeed telling the truth. He was living a double life. I never felt so heartbroken. It was so hard walking away, but after months of back and forth I finally did. It was my most difficult break up. I fell into depression. I tried dating just to forget about him, but none of those relationships worked out because I tried to bury my feelings with other guys and alcohol. It was also a difficult time because here I was turning 30, single while my other girlfriends are getting married and starting a family and I’m crying over a guy who treated me like crap. I felt I was too old to be dealing with that kind of crap still. The second year I tried working on some goals. Lost 50 pounds, got a new car, went back to school, but somehow I still thought of him every day. Two years later (5 months ago) he reached out to me saying he has changed and want us to try to work on things again. I still had feelings for him so I told him we can start off by being cordial - not friends lol - and see where it would lead. I explained how I want something meaningful and he agreed to taking things slow. We hung out as old friends for 3 months It was always platonic. I had a weak moment one night and we ended sleeping together. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew in my heart that he will never be the guy I want him to be. It was so much deception and hurt in the past it was hard to trust him again. But I still liked the idea of him and again my feelings grew stronger. But just like before, he went back to his old ways and started sneaking off with his kids mom again and disappearing. We were not in a relationship, so I didn’t confront him and slowly started backing away. He thinks I’m dating someone else and that’s why he thinks I never have time for him anymore. I thought about confronting him, but, what would be the point? He will only deny everything and make it seem like I’m crazy. I worked so hard on walking away Now, I felt like I took 100 steps back by seeing him and sleeping with him that one time. I’m so tired of not getting over him. I tried not talking to him for years but he has been the last and first thing on my mind for two years ! I tried blocking him, Therapy nothing has got me to where I’m strong enough to completely let him go. I cry everyday like what is wrong with me? I feel low and not good enough or smart enough. HAs anyone been In a situation like this? Edited March 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Added paragraphs and spacing for readability.
Alpacalia Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 The line between positive and unhealthy attachments can be difficult to overcome. The best thing will be to cease communication and continue trying to establish a more balanced form of attachment for your next relationship (when the time comes). 2
Wiseman2 Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 1 hour ago, January Eve said: I was dating a guy who recently had a baby with someone else. Sorry this happened. You need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. He's not worth the headaches and heartaches. Continue taking care of your physical and mental health. Excellent.
StrongHands Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 This is a very unhealthy situation for you OP. You need to summon the courage to move on from this guy. 1
Calmandfocused Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 You’ve just fell victim to the Classic Narcissist Hoover. And he succeeded. He’s taken an “old appliance” off the shelf, fed her some lovey dovey future fakery and got an ego boost to boot. Bingo! Let me give you the reality: he’s a liar, a cheater, a manipulator and a deceiver. He neglected his new born to cheat on his/her mother with you. Think about that and what sort of person he really is. Op, why after 2 years? Why have you let this happen to yourself? I’ll tell you why. You’re self esteem is so low that you allow a man to enter back into your life after 2 years and who treated you horrifically. Get some help with your self esteem ASAP and never let a man do this to you again. You deserve better!
Maldives Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 On 2/5/2021 at 7:31 PM, January Eve said: I was dating a guy who recently had a baby with someone else. When I first met him he told me him and his ex were no longer together and she got pregnant again from a drunken night. They now have two children together. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Things started off casual but after a while I got sick of him not committing and demanded more. We started spending more time together and I fell in love. Things were never great but we had a lot of special moments. After months of being exclusive he started acting out. He would disappear for days and blame it on his depression. He recently lost his job and had to provide for two children which one of them was a newborn. So I would try to sympathize with him not knowing I was letting him get away with things that would later lead me to the truth. Every time he disappears he shows up days later with excuses. He says we fight too much and needed time to himself. We would often fight because his ex would call all hours of the night starting drama. I knew those excuses were crap but I Loved him so much that I forgave him each time. It started happening a lot. I would try to leave but he runs after me begging me not to leave and says he will be a better boyfriend. Things will be cool for a while and he starts disappearing for days and I was always left heartbroken knowing he’s probably out with other girls or His ex. One day his kids mom reached out to me on Facebook and told me they were dating the entire time. I always had my suspicions about them still sleeping together but not them being in a relationship. The times he would disappear he was playing house/family with her. He denied everything but once I started paying close attention I saw she was indeed telling the truth. He was living a double life. I never felt so heartbroken. It was so hard walking away but after months of back and forth I finally did. It was my most difficult break up. I fell into depression. I tried dating just to forget about him but none of those relationships worked out because I tried to bury my feelings with other guys and alcohol. It was also a difficult time because here I was turning 30 single while my other girlfriends are getting married and starting a family and I’m crying over a guy who treated me like crap. I felt I was too old to be dealing with that kind of crap still. The second year I tried working on some goals. Lost 50 pounds got a new car, went back to school but somehow I still thought of him every day. Two years later( 5 months ago) he reached out to me saying he has changed and want us to try to work on things again. I still had feelings for him so I told him we can start off by being cordial, not friends lol, and see where it would lead. I explained how I want something meaningful and he agreed to taking things slow. We hung out as old friends for 3 months It was always platonic. I had a weak moment one night and we ended sleeping together. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew in my heart that he will never be the guy I want him to be. It was so much deception and hurt in the past it was hard to trust him again. But I still liked the idea of him and again my feelings grew stronger. But just Like Before he went back to his old ways and started sneaking off with his kids mom again and disappearing. We were not in a relationship so i didn’t confront him him and slowly started backing away. He thinks I’m dating someone else and that’s why he thinks I never have time for him anymore. I thought about confronting him but what would be the point. He will only deny everything and make it seem like I’m crazy. I worked so hard on walking away now I felt like I took 100 steps back by seeing him and sleeping with him that one time. I’m so tired of not getting over him. I tried not talking to him for years but he has been the last and first thing on my mind for two years ! I tried blocking him, Therapy nothing has got me to where I’m strong enough to completely let him go. I cry everyday like what is wrong with me? I feel low and not good enough or smart enough. HAs anyone been In a situation like this? Yep I have been in this situation a few times haha. Last ex together 6 yrs still check her social profile. it's been almost five yrs feelings have wained but not completely. I still hope she doesn't move back to where were originally from. We both moved interstate a 1000 KMs away from our homes and I know id feel a void if she went back even though we're over so yes I get how you feel and where your at. My ex wife took a long time as well. That relationship and marriage lasted ten yrs and took yrs to finally get her out of my system. The only solution I've found is the passage of time. The more time passes the more the feelings eventually disipitate. They are still part of your memory and life and always will be, but the obsessive thinking will lessen. I feel for you and I know how you feel believe me. Your heart needs some TLC and sending you a big hug
mortensorchid Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 See a shrink, get on meds, and cut ties with this guy. 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 We all suffer over loss so we know how you feel. You are responsible for your happiness, not anybody else. He has power over you because you let him. Find another therapist and commit to being honest with yourself. Beyond that, you just have to completely block him 100% forever and fake it until you make it.
World Peace Guy Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 Stop telling yourself you love him, and you can't get over him, and all that stuff. You said he's crap. You don't love him. You WILL stop thinking of him. You are in control of your mind. You can train yourself to stop. You were never in love with him, only the fake image of him that you made in your mind. That is not him. That fake image does not exist. Keep telling yourself this, and don't allow your thoughts to come back to him, unless you are thinking of how crappy he is or how fake your image of him is. No good thoughts about him, NONE! Don't allow them in your mind. If he calls you, hang up and be annoyed. Don't say a word. Don't allow yourself to think of yourself as weak. You are in control. You grow stronger every day. You have to train yourself. Just like physical training, except training your mind. You can do it! Paint a new picture in your mind, over the old.
Menara Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 It sounds to me like you are not over your depression that you sunk in after your breakup. I know how hard it can be sometimes to let go. I've never experienced anything like this myself, but have a good friend who took 4 years to get over his ex wife leaving him. I agree with other people who suggested cutting him out of your life entirely. You need to block his phone number and block him on all social media. Do not ever see him again. Every time you see him you're starting at ground zero. It's like an alcoholic trying to quit: every drink he has again, he's starting all over. Delete him from your life and get a good therapist. Maybe take some anti depressants or anxiety medication for a while to help you get over the hump.
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