5 years with a commitment phobe

[smackie9]

I get it, the pandemic has made a mess of things. But I think with some talk, planning, and setting some goals, things will be in place, ready to go when things start to open up again, and life gets back to normal.

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, Confusedc said:

I don’t know what to do, do I give up or am I not being understanding? Am I too needy?

I think her actions say she's doing exactly what she wants to do, living her life as she sees fit. She pays lip service to what you say you want because it keeps you around. But she's not going to change. So it seems to me your remaining option is to decide whether you're willing to live the rest of your life this way. If you can live with things remaining as they are, just make peace with the situation. If you're not okay with things remaining that way, well, perhaps it's time to end things and look for someone who wants the same type of relationship as you or cares enough about your feelings to be honest about what is possible.

[amygirl908]

16 hours ago, Confusedc said:

scared to move out of her moms house in case we don’t work out 

I see this as just the opposite and it's kind of lame excuse. It's not like she's giving up her apartment, breaking a lease, giving up her dining set... she's leaving home. All things assumed given that she's been there as long as she has, but I'm sure she could move back in in the the event things didn't work out. It's actually the perfect time for her to take a leap of faith cause she has a safety net. 

Also you are definitely not needy. 5 years is a long time to be with someone and wanting the things you want isn't unreasonable.

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, Confusedc said:

she just won’t move in and is scared to move out of her moms house in case we don’t work out 

So at first it was because she is co-dependant of her mother, then not enough money, then her  mother doesn't want her to move out, she's not ready to leave her mom and now she adds to that she's afraid it won't work out, I forgot she needs space. Can she come up with anymore excuses? And by the way she doesn't worry about having 'space' in a home with 4 adults but worry she won't have 'space' in a home with 2 adults. 

That being said you sound like an independent woman living on your own I assume, you take care of your daughter by yourself, I imagine you work and you pay for all that. Why would you want a partner of 33 that has never lived on her own, is co-dependant of her mother, doesn't make enough money to move out, etc etc? Don't you think you deserve a better partner? I don't doubt she has inner qualities but it takes more than inner qualities to survive this world and be a worthy life partner AND a step mom to a little girl. 

[Miss Spider]

This commitment phobia stuff tickles me. Because the law of odds, I’m sure there is a small group of people that genuinely have an extreme fear of all commitment. I have a friend with a phobia of the ocean and has straight-up panic attacks around large bodies of water. That is bad enough. I can only imagine how detrimental a phobia of commitment can be in your life and I’m sure they’re already getting therapy if they can commit to an appointment. 
 

But the overwhelming majority of people do not actually have phobia of commitment.  I see it looks that way from your perspective because they will not commit to you after five years. However, what I see happening beneath the surface. I see a person with options choosing the one that is more favorable to them right now. When don’t commit to party plans, it’s not because I’m scared of the commitment. It’s because I might have something that I would prefer to do that day. To her, living with her mother is more favorable to her for whatever reason than moving in with you and your kid. My first guess is the obvious , that she prefers the lifestyle comfort/stability/ease that cohabitating with her mother gives her.