Confusedc Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 Hi, ive been dating a commitment phobe for coming up 5 years. I have my own place and I’m 27, she’s 33 and still lives at home with her mother. Never moved out, they have a very codependent relationship as her mother has been single for over 10 years. I’ve got a child who has known her since he was 2 months old and so really we should have been a proper family unit by now who lives together or at least see each other consistently. We spend maybe two nights during the week, never two nights in a row unless it’s the weekend. I’ve asked her to move in cause I’ve essentially been a single mother this whole time and I just want to get to bring in a real relationship and family dynamic but she always had an excuse like not saved enough money, her mother isn’t ready for her to move out, she’s not ready to leave her mother. Last year her and her mother bought a dog together and that’s been the latest excuse. Now when we see each other is dictated by her moms work schedule as she needs to be home to babysit their dog. When we first got together she told me she wanted to settle down, get married and have a family. Now whenever I bring up moving in she gets angry at me for not being patient enough and that if I loved her I would be understanding and wait but it’s been almost 5 years. In November I left her because of this and a few weeks ago she came running back saying well do it, she is moving in but she’s not actually made any moves. It’s been a week since that happened and I’ve seen her less this week than other weeks before. I don’t know what to do, do I give up or am I not being understanding? Am I too needy?
Backinthesaddleagain Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 You already know what to do. It sucks but she isn't for you, unless you like this arrangement. And it doesn't sound like you do. When you try to break up, she will most likely try to change your mind with empty promises. After 5 years, it's time to move on before you waste any more time with her. Good luck with it 1
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 No, you are absolutely NOT needy. Majority of people would not remain in a relationship for 5 years with only 2 separate nights per week together. I understand you have a little one that got used to see her around but it's not like you had a real family life together right? Two nights a week for 5 years your daughter will get over that pretty quickly. She is a commitment phobe and you need to understand what it means. It means she is not willing to commit TO YOU. You are the 2 nights a week girlfriend. I don't know anyone that would share so little time together while they're in love. You are very young, you really deserve someone that can't wait to share a life with you and be involved 100% with you and your little one. I am afraid she will only be a waste of your time, again. 1
Happy Lemming Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Confusedc said: I’m 27, she’s 33 I’ve essentially been a single mother this whole time Can you clarify, is this a lesbian relationship?? Are you bi-sexual??
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Can you clarify, is this a lesbian relationship?? Are you bi-sexual?? Does it change something? 1
Happy Lemming Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Does it change something? My exposure to lesbian women is minimal, so therefore my responses/advice won't be of much value. That being said... the few that I've known seem to have some issues with bi-sexual partners vs. 100% lesbian partners. They seem to look down at bi-sexual women vs. women that are 100% lesbian. I was wondering if maybe that may be a factor as to why the girlfriend (of the OP) is reluctant to commit/move-in, etc. I could be totally off base, but it was a thought. 1
LucyLocket Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: Does it change something? Yes it does change something. If the OP is lesbian but her partner is bi it could indicate that her partner is unwilling to commit to the relationship because she's unsure of her orientation, or, as BackintheSaddle suggested, the girlfriend could be hiding the relationship from her mother. It actually changes a lot and is very relevant. Edited February 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed off-topic remarks. 2 1
BaileyB Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) My best friend dated a guy for five years. He was a super sweet guy but he was a commitment phobe. He had all kinds of rules and excuses - would only sleep over some nights, left by 8am the next morning, etc... they had the talk many times - he said that he loved her but he didn’t know when he would be ready to get married. After five long years she finally pulled the cord, and it was hard. But two years later, she was married to another man and they how have two children. He, still single, living with another woman but not married and they do not have children. Sometimes it takes courage to go after your dreams. Edited February 5, 2021 by BaileyB 3 1
Watercolors Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) OP, sounds like you've unfortunately wasted 5 years with a commitment phobic woman. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/10-signs-your-lover-is-commitment-phobic#:~:text=Source%3A Berit Brogaard,in all areas of life. She obviously has an extreme fear of closeness that she probably developed from her enmeshed codependent relationship with her mother. People are made into commitment phobes based on poor parenting skills from their parents. From https://www.diana-boettcher.com/commitment-anxiety-the-fear-of-closeness/: Quote in early childhood, often in the first two years of life. It is often caused by a dysfunctional relationship with the mother, the father, or both parents. The most common causes are: loneliness and deprivation of emotional security rejection or neglect by the parents fights between the parents overprotected childhood I think you need to seriously think about the amount of time that you've wasted with this woman. She is not going to be the woman you need her to be. She's not capable of being that person. I think you deserve to be with a woman who is emotionally functional and healthy; a woman who knows how to be emotionally intimate with you, without making up all kinds of excuses. I think you need to consider breaking up with your partner of 5 years. If you don't, this kind of behavior of hers will continue and it will only hurt you and your child in the long run. Quote Typical Signs and Behaviors Other signs that occur regardless of gender are the following 15: The fear of failure is greater than the desire for a relationship. The obligations and liabilities in a relationship cause panic. There is a great need for security. Commitment-phobes have unrealistically high expectations of potential partners. People with commitment fear change partners very often. After a breakup, they quickly plunge into a new, rather superficial relationship. They often or even exclusively target potential partners that are out of reach, for instance, people who are already in a relationship. When things get serious after several dates, they distance themselves and are out of reach for a while. In relationships, they often provoke arguments in order to create distance, or look for reasons to break up. Commitment-phobes reflexively try to escape emotional closeness or react coldly and distantly to it. They avoid topics such as love, a common future, marriage and family planning. Commitment-phobes do not want to introduce their partner to their family and friends. A common home is out of the question. Caresses such as kisses, hugs or holding hands in public are very uncomfortable for them and therefore extremely rare. People with a fear of commitment are rather unreliable and, for example, often cancel appointments at short notice. Many commitment-phobes suffer not only from psychological but also from physical symptoms. Such physical symptoms can be very strong. They often include palpitations, sweating, feelings of anxiety, shortness of breath and panic attacks. Fear of commitment can have various symptoms, which occur to different degrees in each person affected. Therefore, a diagnosis should always be made by a specialist doctor. Nevertheless, everyone can of course observe themselves and determine to what extent their interpersonal behaviour causes problems and whether there is a need for action. Edited February 5, 2021 by Watercolors 1 1
Author Confusedc Posted February 5, 2021 Author Posted February 5, 2021 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: . You are the 2 nights a week girlfriend. Sorry I should have been more clear, we spend Friday-Sunday together but during the week it is usually like Monday and Wednesday. Like there needs to be days apart in the week cause she wants alone time
Author Confusedc Posted February 5, 2021 Author Posted February 5, 2021 8 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Thank you so much
Author Confusedc Posted February 5, 2021 Author Posted February 5, 2021 6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: That being said... the few that I've known seem to have some issues with bi-sexual partners vs. 100% lesbian partners. They seem to look down at bi-sexual women vs. women that are 100% lesbian. You’re absolutely right, I’m lesbian and she’s bi and I would much rather be with a lesbian
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 1 minute ago, Confusedc said: Like there needs to be days apart in the week cause she wants alone time Thanks for clarifying. Have you talked about how she will handle her need for time alone if you movevin together?
Author Confusedc Posted February 5, 2021 Author Posted February 5, 2021 44 minutes ago, BaileyB said: After five long years she finally pulled the cord, and it was hard. But two years later, she was married to another man and they how have two children. He, still single, living with another woman but not married and they do not have children. Sometimes it takes courage to go after your dreams. Needed this, thank you 1
Author Confusedc Posted February 5, 2021 Author Posted February 5, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: Thanks for clarifying. Have you talked about how she will handle her need for time alone if you movevin together? So it’s only recently that she’s admitting that she’s scared to move out and so I’ve explained that I too need space, like to get out of the house and see my friends etc and that she will always be allowed to come and go as she pleases I just want the stability of knowing that we’re in a committed relationship cause it doesn’t feel like it is to me even though she tells me she loves me and only wants to be with me I feel like after 5 years we should definitely be living together and at 33 she should definitely not still be with her mom
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 Is her mother elderly? Has health issues? Her mother has other children? 1
Author Confusedc Posted February 5, 2021 Author Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, LucyLocket said: Yes it does change something. If the OP is lesbian but her partner is bi it could indicate that her partner is unwilling to commit to the relationship because she's unsure of her orientation, or, as BackintheSaddle suggested, the girlfriend could be hiding the relationship from her mother. It actually changes a lot and is very relevant. So yeah I’ve considered this but it’s been 5 years and really she could be with a man if she wanted she doesn’t have to be here. Her mom and everyone knows about me it’s like a real relationship she just won’t move in and is scared to move out of her moms house in case we don’t work out Edited February 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed quoted off-topic remarks.
Author Confusedc Posted February 5, 2021 Author Posted February 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Is her mother elderly? Has health issues? Her mother has other children? No her mom is working and kicking about no issues other than lonely I guess. She has other adult children, my partners one older sibling and one younger and they all live with her lol
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Confusedc said: younger and they all live with her lol Oh boy! Ok it's time she cuts the umbilical cord. How is your relationship? Do you trust each other? Is it smooth sailing? Edited February 5, 2021 by Gaeta
ExpatInItaly Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 4 hours ago, Confusedc said: she just won’t move in and is scared to move out of her moms house in case we don’t work out Then you need to read the writing on the wall, and end this. She doesn't want your relationship to progress. The current arrangement suits her just fine. If you're looking for a life partner, this isn't the woman for you.
Wiseman2 Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 15 hours ago, Confusedc said: she’s 33 and still lives at home with her mother. Never moved out, I’ve essentially been a single mother this whole time and I just want to get to bring in a real relationship. Sorry this is happening. She is not "commitmentphobic". She is excessively attached to the mother. Who is the child's father? Is he involved? You would be a single parent whether she moves in with you or not, so that is not an issue. Perhaps she just doesn't want the responsibility of step parenting and being financially responsible. She is not a good candidate for a family. You'll have to cut your losses or put up with her living with her mother forever.
ShyViolet Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 "not ready to leave her mother"? That is a pretty crazy reason not to progress in a relationship. This has been going on for five years. It is NOT going to change. So the responsibility is all on you. Are you going to allow this to continue, or will you end it?
Fletch Lives Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, Confusedc said: In November I left her because of this and a few weeks ago she came running back saying well do it, she is moving in but she’s not actually made any moves. It’s been a week since that happened and I’ve seen her less this week than other weeks before. Cut off romance and affection and see if she changes her tune, if you want her to move in. However, let me say this - you need a wife to help with your son. But there are advantages to your significant other living away - healthy space, peace and quiet. Keep in mind that some married couples live apart and just date - it can actually solve a lot of problems. Ask some divorced people or people in bad marriages. Don't take this for granted. Living together is not the only type of good relationship. Edited February 5, 2021 by Fletch Lives 1
smackie9 Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) OK how about getting together with her mother and talk about it. Maybe the mother has mental health issues or has anxiety about her moving out. Find out the facts first hand, and not go by the excuses you are getting from your partner. I think if you all had a clearer understanding of everyone's concerns and expectations you might be able to come up with alternative. For example, have the mom live closer, like on the same street so she can stop in to see her mom as they both go through the transition. Or you can get a property that has a separate mother in law suite on the terms that boundaries about knocking on the door, contact, etc are established so you don't feel imposed on, and have your personal space. This would be ideal because mom could baby sit while you two have your date nights. Having a multi generational household is not uncommon, especially with the cost of living being so high. Then as time goes by, mom meets someone and goes off with her new bo. Things don't have to be permanent. Life is always changing, and your partner needs to see that change can be good. Something to think about. Edited February 5, 2021 by smackie9 1
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 I was thinking if the mother is lonely maybe she makes her adult children feel guilty for wanting a life of their own. The mom needs a boyfriend, she needs to have a life outside of her adult children. As your girlfriend gets older she'll have a harder time cutting that unhealthy link. I think @smackie9 idea is on the spot. 1
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