cj_gal Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 I met this guy in college and we hit it off right off the bat. We have a lot in common and basically want the same goals in life. I've had a lot of bad relationships, and with him it felt so different and we have both been happy with each other. Everything has been going great, until last weekend he found out that his ex is 2 months pregnant...and she's 16, he's 20. He still lives in the same place as her w/ her parents but sleeps in a separate room. If there is anyone out there that has/is in the same situation, how would you feel? He wants me to work it out with him, but he's so depressed and I hate seeing him like this. What do I do? I'm afraid if I tell him that I can't see him anymore it's going to throw him into a deeper rut b/c he told me that he's so afraid he'll come to school one day and I'll say that I can't see him anymore, but how do you deal with a situation like this?
JayKay Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 So I assume the ex is carrying HIS child and is going to keep it? He needs to get a paternity test done once the child is born to make sure it is his. If the ex keeps the child, he is legally responsible for half the financial burden of raising a child. If he chooses to be part of this child's life, he will be spending time caring for, disciplining, teaching, bonding with and raising this child. He will have to do a lot of growing up in a hurry. So you have some thinking to do. If you two stay together there will be other people involved in your lives. That's just the way it will be. Children are enormously time-consuming. I am sorry he is depressed. He may need some short-term counseling to help him deal with the changes in his lifestyle he will be facing if all of the above is going to happen. As for the relationship you are having with him, you will also both need to do some quick growing up and have a serious discussion about where you see your futures heading. Are you willing to be supportive? Are you willing to deal with another woman's child? Are you willing to accept that some of his time and income will be spent on a baby, leaving less for you? If you are ready to embrace that, your relationship could certainly survive this rough patch and grow into something deeper. If you were hoping for a free, unencumbered guy with few worries and lots of free time, you may need to adjust your expectations......or be kind and tell him you need to move on. That's a tough situation so I do wish you luck
Author cj_gal Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 I hope to know today where everything stands..until then ... everything is up in the air..she controls every move and she knows it...I feel so bad for her..but he said the relationship hit the rocks about the time she got pregnant..she started talking to an ex and he just left her alone..he had to stay in the house until he graduated in December..he had an overseas job opportunity..now that is gone..he has lost so much..i don't know if I can let him go. I talked to a friend of my mom's and she said her son went through this..they told her parents and her mom cried and her dad was angry...they are fine now..but they are still together..the guy i am seeing doesn't want any part of her anymore..she is very demanding and he just doesn't want to be married to that..He is just so worried what her parents will to do him..and until I talk to him..I don't know about anything for us..I want to be there..but emotionally I am so drained,but care so much...he is just the best thing that ever happened to me in a long time..
morrigan Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I'm afraid if I tell him that I can't see him anymore it's going to throw him into a deeper rut b/c he told me that he's so afraid he'll come to school one day and I'll say that I can't see him anymore, but how do you deal with a situation like this? I really agree with JayKay's post. It's not fair to either of you to stay with him because you don't want to hurt his feelings. If you're not comfortable with dating a father and having to deal with his child's mother, I'd end the relationship now. He may be a great guy, but he's also going to be a father and have a lot more responsiblity suddenly thrust on him. If you decide to stay with him, you're going to have to accept the importance of his child in his life. At this point, your boyfriend needs to get his life in order--move out of the ex's house, and go to a lawyer and discuss child support/visitation. It's not going to be easy for him, he's going to have to be more of an adult sooner than he expected. I honestly can't blame you for feeling unsure--you're young and planning for you own future and uncertain about your own wishes. You haven't been with him that long. I wish you luck.
Lil Honey Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Are you willing to deal with another woman's child? Those are good questions that JayKay asked. Here's another one: Are you willing to deal with the child's mother? The way you've described her so far, she doesn't sound like a picnic. So, your BF and this girl have only been broken up for two months and he still lives at her place? That means that you've been crazy about him for less than two months. That isn't a lot of time to get to know him. Makes me wonder if he's pulling your leg somehow, but then, I can be pretty cynical and pessimistic. If it were me, I'd be thinking that less than two months isn't a big investment and there are too many unknowns. Of course, I also wonder about a 20 year old and a 16 year old, but that's "just me" too. Good luck.
Author cj_gal Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 thank you so much for everything..i made a new thread in dating..I saw him at lunch and it was all so odd..I came back to his best friend yelling at me for telling him stuff..when i said i have had enough..he just kept trying to reassure me..It didn't start off well this morning..Keep in mind that he is the one who kept persuing me in the relationship...I finally caved in and found out that he was a great guy..I asked him this morning if he was going to move out..and he said he felt like i was trying to make him choose ..i told him i wasn't ..I just wanted him to know he can't make any decisions under that roof...he'll just keep getting pounded by her and you can see the change in him on Monday when he has had to deal with her all weekend.. He asked me why i never told him how i felt..and that i didn't love him..when i told him about a previous relationship of a year ended in disaster..because one night i told the guy i loved him..he was gone a week later..I can't say that word..it's bad luck for me.. I said I have told him how i felt...and he then said he wasn't ready to settle down..just wanted to have fun.. Which means he won't marry her...but how do you date a guy and not have any emotions..I agreed to pick up where we left off and take it one day at a time and agreed to take the ex and baby with it...He immediately said thats what he wanted to hear and was a completely different person..he was the guy i met 2 months ago...I reallywould like to hear from someone who has gone through this ..hopefully an ex..
RainyDayWoman Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 i certainly would not want to stay with a guy who still lives with his pregnant 16-year-old ex-girlfriend and her parents, but hey, maybe that's just me.
Author cj_gal Posted October 18, 2005 Author Posted October 18, 2005 believe me..that is going through my mind..i am giving myself one month..that is when that semester of college is over and he'll be done...from there I don't know what will happen..my options are open...
Lil Honey Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Read some of the threads in the Divorce section about how exs use the kids to manipulate the other ex-spouse. It isn't pretty. Be darned sure that you protect your heart for the next month (or for whatever length of time), because this guy will have a kid and the kid's mother for at least 18 years. Another thing . . . if he was with her only two months ago and "just wanted to have fun," is that what he is doing with you? At what point in the last two months did he decide to "get serious" about a relationship? Be sure that your wants are in sync with his or you may end up heartbroken . . .
ColdNEmpty Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 My sister was in a situation like this not so long ago, Get out now with your sanity. Because once that baby comes... things will get worse. If after the baby is born and they can come to terms and an agreement and he is living somewhere else, then maybe try then. Good Luck.
glittergurl Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 OMG I'd leave NOW. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Really, I don't think anyone in their right mind would want to share a man with a manipulative 16y/o mom to be. There will soon be a child in this mess, omg, I can't even imagine being in the middle of it all. Just end it now. You'd be throwing away so much of your life. This relationship will have so many obstacles, most relationships like that don't even make it. Plus, when things become really serious between you two, is that really the life you want for your future child? A dad they'll have to share with this chick's first baby? This is probably one of the few times in your life when you have to be 100% selfish and run while you can.
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