Unsure if I should date a man that wants kids for certain.

[LucyLocket]

There's nothing wrong with a man who knows what he wants from life and has the confidence to say it. I think you're worrying too early, it's a subject that only becomes relevant if you fall in love and start a committed relationship.  If that happens he may be happy to only have one child ten years from now, or you may change your mind and love him so much that you're more than happy to give him 2 babies and you all live happily ever after. I wouldn't ditch someone over marginally different breeding ambitions. 

[smackie9]

You seem to be on the fence op, so maybe yes like others have said, you/him could change your mind as things carry on with a relationship. Me I'm a different story. I knew I didn't want kids, so if you definitely KNOW your expectations, it's not worth wasting someones time if they think differently.

[HiCrunchy]

Well he ghosted me..so I guess it didn't really matter in the end.

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Well he ghosted me..so I guess it didn't really matter in the end.

I’m sorry. That sucks.

[Miss Spider]

Sorry, crunch

[StrongHands]

On 2/9/2021 at 7:41 AM, HiCrunchy said:

Well he ghosted me..so I guess it didn't really matter in the end.

That is awful HiC.  Not sure what ghosting accomplishes why not just be upfront and say it wasn't working or whatever.  

[HiCrunchy]

Hey guys,

An update. So I saw the old guy on the dating up appear again, but didn't match with him this time. Confirmed that the child thing must have been a huge issue for him.

I decided to list that I am not looking to have children on my dating profile for bumble/am undecided on CMB. I now have a date this Sunday with a new guy, which also has that he doesn't want kids on his profile. After chatting with him, I can see he is more undecided like me in terms of kids which is a good cuz that is where I am.

He has a great career/ and is attractive to me physically but differences in our backgrounds and political stances makes me feel like we won't be able to connect in the way I'd like to. He listed casual on his profile, but he is giving me the  gf treatment (courting me + dates). Even though he really enjoyed our video chat, seems like for me at least, I couldn't genuinely laugh with him. I felt like I was "office laughing", you know like when ur co-workers tell a bad joke?

I'm still going on the date to be open minded but something in my gut tells me we aren't compatible. I'm really not trying to self sabotage or overthink. Thoughts?

 

[Pumpernickel]

He sounds promising, though. Good choice to meet him in person! I find video chatting and FaceTiming difficult, always. I’m never myself, not even when it’s job related. The camera makes me feel uncomfortable, and I always feel like I have to double-check my facial expressions, etc. Maybe he felt similar, who knows!?! “Office laughs....” ——I love that 

BTW did you actually ever meet the other one (the previous one who was out of town) in person, or no?

[Weezy1973]

Putting way too much thought into things before meeting in my opinion. Go, have fun, take things one step at a time. You don’t really know what someone is like and / or a relationship dynamic is going to be like for months or even years.

[Seliana]

3 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Hey guys,

An update. So I saw the old guy on the dating up appear again, but didn't match with him this time. Confirmed that the child thing must have been a huge issue for him.

I decided to list that I am not looking to have children on my dating profile for bumble/am undecided on CMB. I now have a date this Sunday with a new guy, which also has that he doesn't want kids on his profile. After chatting with him, I can see he is more undecided like me in terms of kids which is a good cuz that is where I am.

He has a great career/ and is attractive to me physically but differences in our backgrounds and political stances makes me feel like we won't be able to connect in the way I'd like to. He listed casual on his profile, but he is giving me the  gf treatment (courting me + dates). Even though he really enjoyed our video chat, seems like for me at least, I couldn't genuinely laugh with him. I felt like I was "office laughing", you know like when ur co-workers tell a bad joke?

I'm still going on the date to be open minded but something in my gut tells me we aren't compatible. I'm really not trying to self sabotage or overthink. Thoughts?

 

I checked no kids, not looking to have in my OLD and still got men looking to have kids. I ended up putting a disclaimer at the top of my profile and just resigned myself to scrutinizing their profiles to eliminate any men who ignored anything that was a deal breaker for me. 

I'm curious though why you're interested in someone who is interested in casual, unless you want that also. I know I'll get a ton of flack for being judgmental, but being open to any and everything that comes along is not a good thing in my book. I wasn't looking to mess around with guys who who hit anything that moved. 

I don't think heeding intuition is overthinking if you didn't feel comfortable, just don't feel obligated to carry things further than you want to if you still feel like that in person on your date.

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

I'm still going on the date to be open minded but something in my gut tells me we aren't compatible. I'm really not trying to self sabotage or overthink. Thoughts?

 

It feels like (based on this very little information) that you are self-sabotaging or overthinking.  Go and have fun.  The serious discussions can come later. I think if you are on the fence about kids (might want them) keep it casual.  If you keep dating and are aligned about both not wanting them, there would be a reason to get serious if you really like each other.  Plenty of time to figure this out.  For now don't get ahead of yourself.  I think which for both guys is the scenario---who says this all needs to be planned out like shopping purchase--that's rarely how things go anyway.

Which BTW, missed your posts the first time around with the guy that wanted kids.  Ironically I want to give you some advice in case it ever comes up again.  Think about if the situation were reversed (as it often is!) where a woman wants kids EVENTUALLY and that information is sprung on guys before a first date or even before that?!??!?!?! OMG, right???  People would be like woah slow down.  Honestly, if some guy whether he wants that in the future, you should have treated it the same way.  It's too premature to discuss and a lot of pressure (no matter which person is putting the pressure on).   Especially if you are on the fence, don't eliminate yourself when perhaps you are just negotiating timing in the end.

I actually think a huge part of the reason this would freak you out is it's just too soon for you.  You are probably less "on the fence" then don't want to be on a quick countdown to it at 27.  Though I could be wrong and maybe when you are closer to definitively knowing your answer about that it will be really clear to you.  But if you are not ready timing-wise anything will feel like pressure and turn you to a NO answer (don't want them).  

In your situation I'd be most careful of getting too entangled with someone that doesn't want them if you are actually on the fence (and your biggest obstacle is the timeframe in which it happens).  Then you might end up in a no win situation. Relax just have fun.  I think a couple of months in when someone is actually boyfriend material or asking you to be serious is a better time to think about these things.

[BaileyB]

Good luck! 

[HiCrunchy]

On 2/26/2021 at 5:00 PM, Seliana said:

I checked no kids, not looking to have in my OLD and still got men looking to have kids. I ended up putting a disclaimer at the top of my profile and just resigned myself to scrutinizing their profiles to eliminate any men who ignored anything that was a deal breaker for me. 

I'm curious though why you're interested in someone who is interested in casual, unless you want that also. I know I'll get a ton of flack for being judgmental, but being open to any and everything that comes along is not a good thing in my book. I wasn't looking to mess around with guys who who hit anything that moved. 

I don't think heeding intuition is overthinking if you didn't feel comfortable, just don't feel obligated to carry things further than you want to if you still feel like that in person on your date.

Well, I've learned that casual can mean many different things to different people. I try to take note of actions instead of words. Some one who is hyper sexual or uses sexual words when texting me isn't going to get far. As for the guy I went on a date with today, he seems to have changed his profile setting to "I don't know" instead of casual, which is exactly how he strikes me. He is a bit of talker (really smart/so likes to share a lot of info lol), so at this moment he knows less about my relationship history than I know of his. I like it that way lol.

[Miss Spider]

In my opinion, a person wouldn’t put “casual“ in their profile unless it was something that was significant They don’t want any ambiguity of what if’s and maybes. If they did, they wouldn’t put it in there and just see where it goes 

Edited February 28, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[HiCrunchy]

On 2/26/2021 at 4:27 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Putting way too much thought into things before meeting in my opinion. Go, have fun, take things one step at a time. You don’t really know what someone is like and / or a relationship dynamic is going to be like for months or even years.

I guess you're right. The date went okay, he is sweet and respectful. Really smart too, maybe a little too smart . Oh, and he is pretty cute so that helps lol.

I do have somethings that concern me in terms of his personality but I suppose those are relatively minor for now. I am leaning to seeing this of being more of a casual arrangement or shorter term relationship just based on a few fundamental differences (not regarding children).

He invited me on a second date, for next weekend and I said yes. We will see how this goes.

[Miss Spider]

1 minute ago, HiCrunchy said:

I guess you're right. The date went okay, he is sweet and respectful. Really smart too, maybe a little too smart . Oh, and he is pretty cute so that helps lol.

I do have somethings that concern me in terms of his personality but I suppose those are relatively minor for now. I am leaning to seeing this of being more of a casual arrangement or shorter term relationship just based on a few fundamental differences (not regarding children).

He invited me on a second date, for next weekend and I said yes. We will see how this goes.

Glad to hear you had fun, crunch

[HiCrunchy]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

In my opinion, a person wouldn’t put “casual“ in their profile unless it was something that was significant They don’t want any ambiguity of what if’s and maybes. If they did, they wouldn’t put it in there and just see where it goes 

What do you think it means that he change it to "i don't know"?

[HiCrunchy]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Glad to hear you had fun, crunch

Yeah, I think it was nice to have fun with a nice, awkward, nerdy guy. Just my type haha

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said:

What do you think it means that he change it to "i don't know"?

Ohhh I didn’t see that. Maybe he decided now he’s open to it. Maybe  you made a good impression on him and he doesn’t want to mess it up by stating  “casual”? I wouldn’t read much into what goes on the profile setting and just judge on how you guys are vibing because people could just be unsure or not completely honest. that’s why I thought stating casual on the profile must have been pretty significant,  because when I was looking to casually date, stating I wanted casual even if true could mess things up with so many quality people. They could read into it that you want casual sex or that you have commitment problems or ex issues etc when that’s not necessarily the case. And a person who sees even a possibility of something doesn’t want to cut off the possibility

Edited March 1, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Versacehottie]

I agree with Shortlashes, I do think it could mean that he doesn't want to close that opportunity off by saying casual.  BUT like her, I also think you should just play it by ear, have fun & put little expectations on it.  TBH, I think when you both started off with that mindset, it's the best way to get to something real Focus on now not too far down the line. Good luck

[HiCrunchy]

Very true. I don't have anything listed on my profile as far as expectations go. I think I'm kinda in a whatever happens, happens mind set since leading with wanting a relationship hasn't worked so far and I'm tired.

I think it might be that I'm okay with casual since there are things do make me question our over all compatibility long term. I guess in my head, as long as he continues to respect me and treat me well, then I'll go with the flow.

[HiCrunchy]

On 2/26/2021 at 1:32 PM, Pumpernickel said:

He sounds promising, though. Good choice to meet him in person! I find video chatting and FaceTiming difficult, always. I’m never myself, not even when it’s job related. The camera makes me feel uncomfortable, and I always feel like I have to double-check my facial expressions, etc. Maybe he felt similar, who knows!?! “Office laughs....” ——I love that 

BTW did you actually ever meet the other one (the previous one who was out of town) in person, or no?

I do video chats because having to meet every potential date/match in person would be one date every night of the week! Too many people to meet in person. Weeding through matches is hard, so I need some sort of metric to do so.

I didn't meet the other person. We had a time/date/place but when I confirmed day of he unmatched me.

[Pumpernickel]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Miss Spider]

Any updates? 

[HiCrunchy]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Any updates? 

Lol my date is for this weekend. I'll update soon!