Unsure if I should date a man that wants kids for certain.

[HiCrunchy]

Hey guys.

Soooo as many of you know, I've been single for a few years after getting my heart broken when I was 21 years old. I started to dip my toe in the dating pool at 24 and have had many many bad dates, and almost no dates my 25th year of life (thanks corona virus 2020). I recently turned 26, and have been trying my hardest to find love again. I deleted the dating apps in Nov 2020, and till the end of Jan 2021 been working on myself. I signed up again with a list of non-negotiable and have been getting less matches but I think its more manageable.

I've been talking to a guy (27) recently this week. I messaged him first bc bumble, and we have been seem to be getting along very well. There is non-sexual banter, and he asks me questions about myself, and we flirt (no sexting). Although I'm not feeling and he isn't my usual type he is very, very fit + attractive in a conventional sense. He also went to a good school like me and is career oriented. I do see him more of romantic prospect (tho not sure if short-term or long-term). 

Now my concern...

He told me he wants kids (around 2-3 in the future)....which has been giving me anxiety the last few days. I am a huge fence sitter, but really lean towards, childfree/ maybe1-child. These are things I didn't really have to consider when I was 21, but now at 26 I have to think about. Sometimes I wonder if I should lower my dating age to 22/23 cuz i know they aren't thinking about babies...I mostly wanted to date carefree since I missed out on it for various reasons, but I'm getting these feelings of having waited too long to start dating. He says having kids depends on his partner, and it does for me too but I'm not sure if we are both just trying to appease because we like each other.

I know I might be putting the cart before the horse but....Advice?

[basil67]

Yes, you probably are putting the cart before the horse.   From what I understand, you're not 100% on children, but would consider having them with a man who was wonderful and would make a great father.    And he's the same when it comes to the woman.    Sounds to me like you're not all that dissimilar.  

Bigger question is whether you're trying to protect him or yourself?   

[snowboy91]

@basil67 this might be one of the few times I disagree with you, albeit very slightly! 

While this discussion is for events quite some time in the future, the decision on whether or not to have children is a huge deal, and it's absolutely worth considering when you're considering a potential partner. However, it's not just about "kids - yes or no" and how many, but also about how adamant you are about that, and what the likely timeframe will be. I mean, if he's keen to have children but is happy to wait another 5-10 years, then that's a very different scenario to wanting them in 3.

1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said:

Sometimes I wonder if I should lower my dating age to 22/23 cuz i know they aren't thinking about babies...I mostly wanted to date carefree since I missed out on it for various reasons, but I'm getting these feelings of having waited too long to start dating.

This could be a potential issue down the track - because you never had the "carefree" dating, you could always be wondering what you missed out on. Realistically it's not too late to have that.

[basil67]

@snowboy91 yes, it is rare that we disagree      In this one, I read that he wants 2-3 kids in the future.  And I think you read that he wants kids in 2-3 years.    Wondering which of us got it right?   If you're right, I agree with you.

Edited February 3, 2021 by basil67

[snowboy91]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

@snowboy91 I read that he wants 2-3 kids in the future.  And I think you read that he wants kids in 2-3 years.    Wondering which of us got it right

I was just using 3 years as a comparison to 5-10 years... I realise there is a coincidence there that may be confusing! 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said:

He told me he wants kids (around 2-3 in the future)...

He told you that for a reason, the reason being he wants to filter out the girls who don't want 2-3 kids.
He is putting his cards on the table and will expect you to do the same.
Seems to me is is pretty common for people, faced with an interesting  prospect, to cover up their real intentions, in order to keep them on board... thinking they may never have to deal with it or they can cross that bridge when they come to it.
BUT kids are a huge deal and a 27 year old guy who says he wants kids is likely not fooling around.
Stringing him along would be cruel and a complete waste of his time, not to mention a complete waste of your time when he dumps you for  not sharing his dream.
I think people who want kids need to be with people who want kids, the "maybe" brigade need to leave them well alone. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Sometimes I wonder if I should lower my dating age to 22/23 cuz i know they aren't thinking about babies...I mostly wanted to date carefree since I missed out on it for various reasons, but I'm getting these feelings of having waited too long to start dating.

If I could offer one suggestion, it would be don’t shut down a good opportunity to date a stand up guy because you want to date carefree and you feel like you missed out... You have been “dating carefree” for the past five years - how’s that gone for you? I’m not saying this to pressure you into settling down, I just offer a reality check. Some of my friends who wanted to “date carefree” found it not so much fun watching their friends get married and start their families. 

I agree with basil, you probably want kids and he wants kids. The rest is negotiable. Unless it’s an absolute dealbreaker for you (as in, you don’t want kids and he wants a baseball team), give it a go and see what happens...

I, for one, am excited for you crunchy! You’ve wanted this for a long time... enjoy it! Don’t overthink this... you’ve only been talking to the guy for a week! Have you even met the guy yet? One step at a time... Good luck! 

Edited February 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[Miss Spider]

IMO it’s likely an incompatibility if someone is sure they want kids and another is unsure. An incompatibility that’s only likely to pose down the road... but a very big one 

Edited February 3, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

Just be honest and tell him you're a fence sitter like you told us. Have a discussion about it and see if you can come to an agreement that makes sense. If you're solid within yourself, and a good match, you'll be able to talk about how you really feel with ease.

[StrongHands]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

IMO it’s likely an incompatibility if someone is sure they want kids and another is unsure. An incompatibility that’s only likely to pose down the road... but a very big one 

This is so so true.  There are certain things that are not "biggies" but this is a BIGGIE.  

[lana-banana]

I would recommend having the conversation as soon as you're comfortable doing so. I always told men I dated within 3 dates that I was uncertain-leaning-no on the kids issue, and it saved everyone a lot of time and heartache down the road (and led to me marrying a fellow childfree person and we couldn't be happier). Don't assume that someone will change your mind or talk you into it, or you'll magically feel differently someday. What you know in your gut is real. And it's perfectly okay to say "you know, I don't think kids are for me." 

[smackie9]

Hah that's what I did..hit 24 and was dating 19-20 year olds. You have to discipline yourself on this topic and be very forward about it. Me I never wanted kids. When things got serious with my hubby, I told him flat out I was not having kids/ not getting married, so if he did, we must part ways. 30 years later..child free/not officially married...happy as clams.

[HiCrunchy]

Well, I'm not sure what I want right now, since that just isn't where my head is at. And even if I did choose to have a child, it would be 1 and closer to when I am 35ish because I really want to experience being in love without having the stress or pressure of marriage/kid(s). That is what I mean when I say "carefree", not just hookups/fwb.

I don't have a lot of relationship experience, so I feel like its hard for me to imagine what is that I want out of something long term, you know?

[sushiandtacos]

4 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

Well, I'm not sure what I want right now, since that just isn't where my head is at. And even if I did choose to have a child, it would be 1 and closer to when I am 35ish because I really want to experience being in love without having the stress or pressure of marriage/kid(s). That is what I mean when I say "carefree", not just hookups/fwb.

I don't have a lot of relationship experience, so I feel like its hard for me to imagine what is that I want out of something long term, you know?

Have you gone out with him yet? I'd see how he is in person and see if there's good chemistry then talk to him around 2-3 dates in about the kid subject. 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

if I did choose to have a child, it would be 1 and closer to when I am 35ish because I really want to experience being in love without having the stress or pressure of marriage/kid(s). That is what I mean when I say "carefree", not just hookups/fwb.

I understand now. I thought you meant that you wanted to date multiple people, to have more of the dating experience. 

I do know what you mean. Again, try not to overthink it or you will sabotage yourself. If you like the guy, go on a date with him. And if you still like him, go on another date with him. It’s not like you have to commit to anything on your first date. Give it time...

Edited February 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Watercolors]

6 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Now my concern...

He told me he wants kids (around 2-3 in the future)....which has been giving me anxiety the last few days. I am a huge fence sitter, but really lean towards, childfree/ maybe1-child. These are things I didn't really have to consider when I was 21, but now at 26 I have to think about. Sometimes I wonder if I should lower my dating age to 22/23 cuz i know they aren't thinking about babies...I mostly wanted to date carefree since I missed out on it for various reasons, but I'm getting these feelings of having waited too long to start dating. He says having kids depends on his partner, and it does for me too but I'm not sure if we are both just trying to appease because we like each other.

I know I might be putting the cart before the horse but....Advice?

It sounds like he's on the fence too. Since he told you that his having kids depends on his partner. So, I see it, as you and he are both "un-decided." Why the anxiety then? He's not asking you to commit to the idea of having children 100% with him as a potential life-long partner with you. Try going out a few times with him in person first. See if there is even any real chemistry with each other? Then, if you two date seriously, you can always have that conversation down the road and decide what to do then. 

You're definitely putting the cart before the horse by pre-emptively worrying about an "idea" rather than "actuality." 

 

[Watercolors]

20 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

Well, I'm not sure what I want right now, since that just isn't where my head is at. And even if I did choose to have a child, it would be 1 and closer to when I am 35ish because I really want to experience being in love without having the stress or pressure of marriage/kid(s). That is what I mean when I say "carefree", not just hookups/fwb.

I don't have a lot of relationship experience, so I feel like its hard for me to imagine what is that I want out of something long term, you know?

Like I said in my previous post to you, you're jumping ahead of what the reality is right now which is that you and he are just texting. You've not even in a serious relationship with him yet, and here you are thinking about your schedule for your future. 

Just to give you some context, when i was 26, I thought by my early thirties I'd be married with a couple of children. Did that need/want influence who I chose to date? Yes, but the reality is that it didn't matter in the long run - all of my checklists - because I never did get married and I never did have children. 

So, you can't predict your future. Right now at 26, you're a self-proclaimed fence sitter when it comes to the issue of being a mom with a future partner. Try to stay more grounded in reality and focus on the present instead of the "what if's" of the future. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Just to give you some context, when i was 26, I thought by my early thirties I'd be married with a couple of children. Did that need/want influence who I chose to date? Yes, but the reality is that it didn't matter in the long run - all of my checklists - because I never did get married and I never did have children. 

In my twenties, I assumed I’d be married and have 2.4 kids by the time I was 30. The kids were most important, the man was a means to the end.
As life happened, I ended up with neither by the time I was 30. And now, I have the man and not the kids.

Sometimes you can’t plan these things. 

[Ami1uwant]

Do you want kids?  Not in 3-3 yrs but later in life? Do you have friends or sibling who are parents?

 

this is important to know if it’s an absolute yes no or not sure, if yes , thrn have some idea lije after you are married for 3-4 yrs for examp,le.

 

he’s young and most had plans when you get or pressure from family on being married and having kids by 30.  Those timelines can change.

[HiCrunchy]

59 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

Have you gone out with him yet? I'd see how he is in person and see if there's good chemistry then talk to him around 2-3 dates in about the kid subject. 

I haven't gone out with him yet, because he was visiting family out of state when we connected. He will be back in our city soon and asked me out on a date.

[HiCrunchy]

46 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

It sounds like he's on the fence too. Since he told you that his having kids depends on his partner. So, I see it, as you and he are both "un-decided." Why the anxiety then? He's not asking you to commit to the idea of having children 100% with him as a potential life-long partner with you. Try going out a few times with him in person first. See if there is even any real chemistry with each other? Then, if you two date seriously, you can always have that conversation down the road and decide what to do then. 

You're definitely putting the cart before the horse by pre-emptively worrying about an "idea" rather than "actuality." 

 

I guess I'm anxious because we were talking about our extended families, and then he asked me what my future plans were and if I see myself having a big family in the future. He wanted to bring it up because its important to talk about as a relationship progresses. (I guess he can see us dating, which makes me happy.)

I said "I haven't thought that far ahead into the future really, but I'll let life circumstances lead the way then. For now, I'm just focusing on the now, and my personal growth." I also mentioned "For me having a child would be more dependent on who my partner is, and if I think having a child with them is a good idea/my life stage". He then agreed.

I feel like I gave my disclaimer that I am undecided. Then he asked me on a date, so I feel like I have put all my cards on the table so its his choice if he wants to date me.

He ended up asking me on a date anyways. I wonder if my language was clear....

 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

He ended up asking me on a date anyways.

Again, you don’t have to commit to a five and ten year plan before the first date... These things evolve and they are negotiable over time. You may meet the man and decide you want nothing more than to make babies with him. He may meet you and de ide he wants nothing more than to make you smile. You just don’t know. Leave yourself open to the possibility... 

He is interested in meeting you. That’s a good thing. Enjoy! 

Edited February 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

I guess I'm anxious because we were talking about our extended families, and then he asked me what my future plans were and if I see myself having a big family in the future. He wanted to bring it up because its important to talk about as a relationship progresses. (I guess he can see us dating, which makes me happy.)

I said "I haven't thought that far ahead into the future really, but I'll let life circumstances lead the way then. For now, I'm just focusing on the now, and my personal growth." I also mentioned "For me having a child would be more dependent on who my partner is, and if I think having a child with them is a good idea/my life stage". He then agreed.

I feel like I gave my disclaimer that I am undecided. Then he asked me on a date, so I feel like I have put all my cards on the table so its his choice if he wants to date me.

He ended up asking me on a date anyways. I wonder if my language was clear....

 

Try not to overthink so much. You gave him your "undecided" disclaimer so its out there now. Now, let it go and try to relax, not overanalyze everything he says to you, and just enjoy going on that one date with him. Then, decide what you want from him after that. 

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Again, you don’t have to commit to a five and ten year plan before the first date... These things evolve and they are negotiable over time. You may meet the man and decide you want nothing more than to give him a baseball team - you just don’t know. Leave yourself open to the possibility... 

He is interested in meeting you. That’s a good thing. Enjoy! 

Exactly. He's not a used car with a warranty. He's a human being just like you are. Be open to life's possibilities, instead of demanding that life meet your "a,b,c" criteria for you to be happy. 

First, baby steps. Try one date with this guy and see how it goes. Don't overthink everything so much. I am a recovering overthinker and much happier for it. I am middle aged now and never got married or had children. Am I disappointed? Sure. Do I think I'm a failure? No. You just need to go with life's ebbs and flows and decide in those moments, where you want to go and hope you get there. There is no guarantee with life that we'll get everything we aim for. We can try, but doesn't mean we'll get what we want every time. 

[introverted1]

11 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Well, I'm not sure what I want right now, since that just isn't where my head is at. And even if I did choose to have a child, it would be 1 and closer to when I am 35ish

This was pretty much my plan.  I had my first child at 33 and my intention was for her to be an only child.  But something changed inside me after I had her and I suddenly wanted more kids. I ended up with 3.  Now, not saying this will happen to you, but I am not convinced that you two are necessarily on different pages. It might be worth getting to know him more and then, when the time is right (assuming you get to this place), having a more in depth conversation about expectations.

[smackie9]

You can say "I'm not thinking about that at this time in my life...maybe when I'm in my 30's because I want to do some living first before I commit to having kids."..."Most likely only one if any."

Edited February 4, 2021 by smackie9