mrlee123 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 So I met this American girl towards the end of last year. I'm British and she lives in the UK (Liverpool) I live like 40 minutes away from her. We've been talking every day, facetimed and everything's gone well and we really want to meet in person as we have a lot in common and the attraction is there. We haven't been able to meet due to the covid lockdown which has frustrated both of us... problem is her visa is running out and she needs to find a job in digital marketing that would sponsor her so that she can stay here. She's given herself until the end of this month as she's been applying for a while now. I've tried to help her out and look for jobs myself. I guess what I'm asking is how do I stop being so attached of she has to move home.. I went through a bad breakup last year and I dont want to hurt again. I'm hoping she will find something.. but its difficult.
ShyViolet Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 You just need to keep in mind that your infatuation with this girl is not real. Since you haven't even met in person, you don't even know each other. You shouldn't be helping her look for jobs. It's not your place to help someone who you don't even know look for a job. Just accept the fact that she might not even end up staying here, so there is no point in getting caught up in fantasies about having a relationship with this girl. Keep your expectations low. If it does happen, then great. 1
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 The first thing you need to do is stop talking each day. 2
Emilyinroses Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 2 hours ago, mrlee123 said: So I met this American girl towards the end of last year. I'm British and she lives in the UK (Liverpool) I live like 40 minutes away from her. We've been talking every day, facetimed and everything's gone well and we really want to meet in person as we have a lot in common and the attraction is there. We haven't been able to meet due to the covid lockdown which has frustrated both of us... problem is her visa is running out and she needs to find a job in digital marketing that would sponsor her so that she can stay here. She's given herself until the end of this month as she's been applying for a while now. I've tried to help her out and look for jobs myself. I guess what I'm asking is how do I stop being so attached of she has to move home.. I went through a bad breakup last year and I dont want to hurt again. I'm hoping she will find something.. but its difficult. Can’t she just register as self-employed?
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 17 hours ago, mrlee123 said: So I met this American girl towards the end of last year. I'm British and she lives in the UK (Liverpool) I live like 40 minutes away from her. We've been talking every day, facetimed and everything's gone well and we really want to meet in person * * * I guess what I'm asking is how do I stop being so attached of she has to move home.. Full stop. You need better self talk. All the facetime in the world is no substitute for an actual meeting. It's not real until you meet & go on a few dates. Until you see each other regularly in person it's nothing more than an audition. Keep telling yourself it's a good prospect but nothing more & there is nothing to get attached to. Also before you meet do NOT have daily communication. 2
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 The problem is you made this girl your daily habit....like smoking, gambling, drinking it becomes a dependency. You need to do things, like messaging/ facetime, in small doses, and fill your time doing something else that gives you pleasure/occupies your time. Yes being in lock down does NOT help it only exasperates it. Everyone is correct, stop communicating daily, talk to other people, put more effort into finding a job, take time out to exercise, take up a hobby, etc. There are plenty of other things you can do than mack'in on someone over a computer screen. 2
Backinthesaddleagain Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: The problem is you made this girl your daily habit....like smoking, gambling, drinking it becomes a dependency. You need to do things, like messaging/ facetime, in small doses, and fill your time doing something else that gives you pleasure/occupies your time. Yes being in lock down does NOT help it only exasperates it. Everyone is correct, stop communicating daily, talk to other people, put more effort into finding a job, take time out to exercise, take up a hobby, etc. There are plenty of other things you can do than s-mackie9'in on someone over a computer screen. Fixed it for ya smackie
winny Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 I know a lot of the people who comment on these threads are from the time when mobile phone didn’t exist.. so they never used FaceTime etc and always write them off as if they don’t matter. Thats not true! I have had quite a few purely online friends that have been there for me over the years and also helped me in many ways. There is nothing wrong if you are trying to help her land a job. I can totally relate to the feeling of getting attached. Don’t overthink it.. anyways in a short time you will know if she stays or leaves. You are already attached so if she leaves then you will feel the sting.. just know that you are strong enough to deal with it. We meet a lot of people in our life that unfortunately do not end up being long term companions... and thats okay! You will be okay no matter what happens.
dramafreezone Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 It's just a woman dude. And you haven't known her that long. She has flaws, she has bad moods, she farts, she poops, she has body odor at times, she's just a normal person. You split your time with more women. That way you don't have time to get hung up on one. You can create an attachment with anyone if that's your only focus, so just don't give this one person all of your time. 1
amygirl908 Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 9 hours ago, winny said: I know a lot of the people who comment on these threads are from the time when mobile phone didn’t exist.. so they never used FaceTime etc and always write them off as if they don’t matter. Thats not true! I have had quite a few purely online friends that have been there for me over the years and also helped me in many ways. There is nothing wrong if you are trying to help her land a job. I can totally relate to the feeling of getting attached. Don’t overthink it.. anyways in a short time you will know if she stays or leaves. You are already attached so if she leaves then you will feel the sting.. just know that you are strong enough to deal with it. We meet a lot of people in our life that unfortunately do not end up being long term companions... and thats okay! You will be okay no matter what happens. ^^ This, I have friends on the other side of the world that I've known for almost a decade and sure I've never met them but they matter to me a lot and they are dear dear friends. There's a difference between having feelings for someone and projecting future expectations on them which is often why we end up so over attached before we really should be. Feelings are real. We can't change the way we feel about something but like winny says we are strong enough to deal with it. People will always be coming and going I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to help her but check your expectations. I like to put mine in a box... literally lol. Enjoy your time in the present with her and the feelings you have in the moment. 1
Author mrlee123 Posted March 6, 2021 Author Posted March 6, 2021 Well it looks like shes going back... I met her for the first time in person tonight and we got on so well too! she has an interview on Tuesday for a job so im hoping she gets it but she has to leave on the 31st before her visa expires. She does want to meet me again next week and she did say if she has to go back home she will continue to apply for jobs and try to come back here. I'm obviously gonna be sad if she leaves... even though i will still maintain contact with her. 1
Author mrlee123 Posted March 6, 2021 Author Posted March 6, 2021 On 2/5/2021 at 5:31 PM, amygirl908 said: ^^ This, I have friends on the other side of the world that I've known for almost a decade and sure I've never met them but they matter to me a lot and they are dear dear friends. There's a difference between having feelings for someone and projecting future expectations on them which is often why we end up so over attached before we really should be. Feelings are real. We can't change the way we feel about something but like winny says we are strong enough to deal with it. People will always be coming and going I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to help her but check your expectations. I like to put mine in a box... literally lol. Enjoy your time in the present with her and the feelings you have in the moment.
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 On 2/5/2021 at 2:43 AM, winny said: I know a lot of the people who comment on these threads are from the time when mobile phone didn’t exist.. On 2/5/2021 at 12:31 PM, amygirl908 said: ^^ This, I have friends on the other side of the world that I've known for almost a decade and sure I've never met them but they matter to me a lot and they are dear dear friends. It's not 20 years of mobile phone technology that will change 100s of years of human nature. I also have online friends that I have never met but been exchanging with for yearsssss. It's not the same thing as a potential romantic relationship. Expectations and feelings involved are much different. I am not saying a romantic connection cannot happen online, what I am saying is it's one of the most risky connection you will allow yourself to experience. The rules stay the same if you're born in 1970 or in 2000. If you over do something it creates a false sense of intimacy. That was true back before mobile and it's true now. The best way to not get romantically attached to someone new is to NOT talk all day long every day and that goes hand in hand with it's not good to reveal too much of yourself at the beginning. OP has a problem keeping his expectations under control, so telling him to not have too much expectations isn't a solution. The solution is to not talk every single day which will allow him to keep a certain emotional distance until he gets to know her. 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: It's not 20 years of mobile phone technology that will change 100s of years of human nature. This is an Incredibly wise statement. 1
Watercolors Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 17 hours ago, mrlee123 said: Well it looks like shes going back... I met her for the first time in person tonight and we got on so well too! she has an interview on Tuesday for a job so im hoping she gets it but she has to leave on the 31st before her visa expires. She does want to meet me again next week and she did say if she has to go back home she will continue to apply for jobs and try to come back here. I'm obviously gonna be sad if she leaves... even though i will still maintain contact with her. Well at least you two met. I would not put all your eggs in one basket with her though. You don't know her. FaceTime is no substitute for real life and in-person time spent together. And with online dating especially during this pandemic, most people assume that the person they email or text with will be that way offline which is 100% never the case. If you can't see her again, oh well! You should try to date locally where you live, with women you can see every day in person. 1
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