I'm too old for this maybe. Stressing.

February 3, 2021

Me and a guy at work started talking around three months ago. We're both single parents, mine are 13 and 6, his are 2 and 4. So mine are a bit older, a little more self sufficient. The first time he messaged me, conversation was kind of spotty. But he usually came back, lol, even if it were like an hour later. I get it, he's pretty busy. But anyway, we continued to talk. A week or so into talking, he tells me that he thinks I'm really cool and sexy and that he wants to get to know me better. He promised me a harry potter cuddle date. All this stuff, that we haven't gotten to do. We have hung out twice outside of work. Once, a quick lunch, and once a really nice putt putt date, but with 3 out of our 4 kids. It was very nice and we all had a really good time.

But one, we haven't kissed or anything yet. Even though, I've expressed how much id like to, I'm a scaredy cat. Also, our workplace is so gossipy, we've been trying to keep whatever we have a secret. We also both agreed to take it slow. I was married for 13 years, he was married for 5. Both ended badly. I have trust and other issues from the way mine ended, which brings me to my next issue.

Lately, our text conversations have been a little quiet. My insecurities are going crazy. When I bring it up, like I try to tell him that he doesn't have to talk to me if he's busy or doesn't feel like talking, it's ok. And he tells me that he's not busy and that I'm not bothering him and then he talks more, and it's nice. But most nights, conversation is very sporadic, I'll say. I almost never text first, because I don't want to bother him. I don't know how any of this works. Do we even need to have actual conversations every day? I honestly want to have a conversation with him and tell him that if hes not interested, it's ok. He doesn't have to feel obligated to talk to me. And tell him that I do like talking to him and that I love getting to know him, but I don't want him talking to me because he pities me. Lol, but is that too much?? And will that just lead to more pity talk?

I guess, sometimes I feel like we have a real connection. Sometimes, I feel like he just talks to me because he doesn't want to break it off and he thinks I'll make it weird at work. Is he just busy? Do you think he's talking to other people? I feel like I start harping on why he isn't answering me. Are we maybe talking too much? Should I just try to talk him every couple of days?

I'm too old for this talking to people stuff, I think. Lol. I feel like I'm in high school again.

February 3, 2021

I feel like he's getting a lot of mixed messages from you. When you tell him he doesn't need to talk, he's getting the message you don't really want to talk or do anything. But you want to hang out with him, and so you do.

No-one's obligated to answer any messages immediately - if he can't talk to you because he's busy, he will let you know. So don't stress about it and message him whenever you want, because you want to talk to him. Simple.

February 3, 2021

Try not to get ahead of yourself and worry about the future phases of something that's still in its infancy.

February 3, 2021

2 hours ago, Blkpunk311 said:

I almost never text first, because I don't want to bother him.

Why do you refuse to believe him when he's already told you:

Quote

he tells me that I'm not bothering him

???

Do you want a self-fulfilling prophecy to come about? Because that's exactly what you're going to bring about.

If he's too busy to talk, he won't pick up the phone.

So what's the real problem here?

Quote

I try to tell him that he doesn't have to talk to me if he's busy or doesn't feel like talking, it's ok. I almost never text first, because I don't want to bother him.I honestly want to have a conversation with him and tell him that if hes not interested, it's ok. He doesn't have to feel obligated to talk to me. And tell him that I do like talking to him and that I love getting to know him, but I don't want him talking to me because he pities me.

Stop doing that, it's manipulative.

Unless you actually don't want to be bothered with the guy, why are you stressing about this? Just stop talking to him. Problem solved.

Quote

Do we even need to have actual conversations every day? Lol, but is that too much?? And will that just lead to more pity talk?

No, you don't. I don't understand why you're pushing such a Debbie Downer narrative. Yes, it is too much and it will lead to him just not bothering with you at all because that's the energy you're putting out.

You may not be ready to be in the dating arena just yet. You seem to have a lot of unfinished business you need to unpack, sort and put away before entering into anything new. Just be a work colleague with him and put the romantic stuff high up on a shelf right now. It doesn't sound like you're ready for that.

February 3, 2021

Try to get busier in the evenings with friends, family, kids, interests, hobbies, fitness,etc.

Do not try to text-tether anyone with the "needs conversation" or "feeling insecure" excuse.

That much every day and every night texting is draining and annoying.

Don't blow this, (if you want to pursue it) by judging things from phone pings.

Yes, you're too old for that nonsense or getting addicted to phone pings out of boredom.

What happens in person is far more important.

People need to spend time with thier kids, get stuff done or simply relax at home without chronic texting interruptions.

Edited February 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

February 3, 2021

4 hours ago, Blkpunk311 said:

4 hours ago, Blkpunk311 said:

like I try to tell him that he doesn't have to talk to me if he's busy or doesn't feel like talking, it's ok. And he tells me that he's not busy and that I'm not bothering him and then he talks more, and it's nice.

I almost never text first, because I don't want to bother him.

4 hours ago, Blkpunk311 said:

And tell him that I do like talking to him and that I love getting to know him, but I don't want him talking to me because he pities me. Lol, but is that too much??

You sound desperate and make it clear that you feel unworthy. Why?

4 hours ago, Blkpunk311 said:

we haven't kissed or anything yet.

He hasn't made a move

4 hours ago, Blkpunk311 said:

Sometimes, I feel like he just talks to me because he doesn't want to break it off and he thinks I'll make it weird at work.

You think he would cut off his chance at finding someone he likes so that he didn't have to break up with you? Same thing as avoiding dumping you for workplace morale.

You sound like a kind person. Your thinking is scattered and you need help getting a hold of that. In the meantime consider eliminating texting. It is garbage for respectful conversation. No other method permits recipients to leave the conversation without a heads up. It has no formal etiquette and I find it mind numbing.

February 3, 2021

48 minutes ago, MRSR31 said:

. In the meantime consider eliminating texting. It is garbage for respectful conversation.

This. He's busier than you. Although you want this on the down low at work, assess things in person.

BTW 85% of people admit to texting on the toilet

February 3, 2021

It's going too slow. At this rate, you two are going to be 80 before you are girlfriend and boyfriend.

February 3, 2021

4 hours ago, kendahke said:

Why do you refuse to believe him when he's already told you:

???

Do you want a self-fulfilling prophecy to come about? Because that's exactly what you're going to bring about.

If he's too busy to talk, he won't pick up the phone.

So what's the real problem here?

Stop doing that, it's manipulative.

Unless you actually don't want to be bothered with the guy, why are you stressing about this? Just stop talking to him. Problem solved.

No, you don't. I don't understand why you're pushing such a Debbie Downer narrative. Yes, it is too much and it will lead to him just not bothering with you at all because that's the energy you're putting out.

You may not be ready to be in the dating arena just yet. You seem to have a lot of unfinished business you need to unpack, sort and put away before entering into anything new. Just be a work colleague with him and put the romantic stuff high up on a shelf right now. It doesn't sound like you're ready for that.

I don't know why I do that. . I did tell him once that my insecurities are my downfall and to please be patient with me. I stress over everything in my life. I want to relax and just have fun with this. I'm trying so hard, but I get nervous when he doesn't talk because then I start thinking. Is he tired of me? Did he find someone else? Is he just asleep? Is he with the boys? It's so stupid. I need to learn how to relax. I like him a lot, even If we just stay friends. I don't know how to relax and just enjoy what I've got.

February 3, 2021

3 hours ago, MRSR31 said:

You sound desperate and make it clear that you feel unworthy. Why?

He hasn't made a move

You think he would cut off his chance at finding someone he likes so that he didn't have to break up with you? Same thing as avoiding dumping you for workplace morale.

You sound like a kind person. Your thinking is scattered and you need help getting a hold of that. In the meantime consider eliminating texting. It is garbage for respectful conversation. No other method permits recipients to leave the conversation without a heads up. It has no formal etiquette and I find it mind numbing.

Texting is easiest for both of us. Usually, I'm doing homework or something with one of my kids. He's got one that is nonverbal and the other is 4. It's hard to talk on the phone with the kids. He usually has to be to work early in the morning, while I usually don't have to be in until 8.

I know my thinking is scattered. Especially, right now, with everything going on. I'm stressed between my kids school stuff, this job (I was promoted right before Covid and it's literally been non stop since). I'm trying to relax and have fun with finally having someone that I like to talk to, but of course, I'm going to mess this up too because I don't know how to relax

February 3, 2021

1 minute ago, Blkpunk311 said:

I did tell him once that my insecurities are my downfall and to please be patient with me.

Dating is not social work and he's not your therapist. This is very unfair to him. You need to pay a therapist for this. Look up someone in your health plan and do some telehealth sessions.

February 3, 2021

10 hours ago, Blkpunk311 said:

I almost never text first, because I don't want to bother him. I don't know how any of this works. Do we even need to have actual conversations every day? I honestly want to have a conversation with him and tell him that if hes not interested, it's ok. He doesn't have to feel obligated to talk to me. And tell him that I do like talking to him and that I love getting to know him, but I don't want him talking to me because he pities me. Lol, but is that too much?? And will that just lead to more pity talk?

No, you should not have a conversation with him and tell him that stuff. That would be super weird and a turn-off. There is no need for you to keep talking about how insecure you are. It's exhausting to listen to. Just let things flow naturally. If you can't let things flow naturally, then you aren't ready to date. You should be getting into therapy instead.

If you never text him first, you are sending him mixed messages. He will think that you're not interested. You can text him first once in a while, and there's no need to wring your hands and apologize for it.

February 3, 2021

13 hours ago, Blkpunk311 said:

My insecurities are going crazy. When I bring it up, like I try to tell him that he doesn't have to talk to me if he's busy or doesn't feel like talking, it's ok. And he tells me that he's not busy and that I'm not bothering him and then he talks more, and it's nice. But most nights, conversation is very sporadic, I'll say. I almost never text first, because I don't want to bother him. I don't know how any of this works. Do we even need to have actual conversations every day? I honestly want to have a conversation with him and tell him that if hes not interested, it's ok. He doesn't have to feel obligated to talk to me. And tell him that I do like talking to him and that I love getting to know him, but I don't want him talking to me because he pities me. Lol, but is that too much?? And will that just lead to more pity talk?

I agree with the others that said don't say this^^^^^ (bolded). Think about it like this, of ALL the things you could put the focus on in your relationship with him, you are choosing to put the focus on obligation and pity. Even if you are "giving him an "out" in your mind with the conversation, you are still putting the focus there---instead of regulating your emotions and insecurity.

What I always think is lame when people com up with the "if you're not interested, it's ok, just tell me" line. A lot of time they:

a) do it prematurely and to sooth their own anxiety/insecurity

b) don't really allow for the other person to process the relationship in their own way--you are only using your FILTER of what is ok and in which timeframe (which you're already aware is compromised due to your insecurity, yet you proceed (general "YOU")

c) and the one that I find the worst, is instead of having a conversation that asks what the other person thinks, you summarize the CONCLUSION of where it will end up in total, such as if you're not interested we don't have to talk". Don't you think it would make much more sense to talk or even better DO as you need? Ask for what you need.

Part of the reason why this sort of approach is an all around FAIL is that the question itself shows that you are just sitting that waiting to react to whatever he puts forth. That's almost an immediate attraction killer. Lol, i'm feeling a heavy vibe just reading it The question itself presents you as an obligation, not as an equal participant.

For 100 reasons, you need to get control of your insecurities. It's not your boyfriend's role to manage those for you.

As far as when to talk to him and how to deal with that, try to take a proactive role rather than a reactivate one. You should also be assessing what he is/offers as a partner rather than worry if you are a pity project. See if he meets your needs; it's a good way to change the perspective and also the vibe. Good luck

Edited February 3, 2021 by Versacehottie

February 3, 2021

Instead of monitoring how many times he texts, or who texts first, or messaging him with insecure/needy/anxious texts, why don't you propose another get together? The best way to advance the relationship, regardless whether it's a friendship or a romance (which may be too soon to tell) is to spend time together, in person. You will get a much better read of his interest in person, too. Win win.

February 3, 2021

You are over invested hence your anxiety/insecurity. BUT right from the start, he is sporadic....actions speak louder than words. Having a "connection" isn't worth 3 months of this not going anywhere. You should just push him aside, and put your energy into meeting more available men.

February 3, 2021

My advice is don’t chase men. Let them come to you & make the moves at the beginning. Men know how to show interest in women they’re interested in. They’ve been doing it since time immemorial. If you chase and focus on guys like this, you’ll most likely end up wasting your time with some guy only kind of interested

Edited February 3, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

February 3, 2021

The texting is part of the problem. You think you can tell things based on the frequency or the response time. You can't. Stop trying.

That said, you never contacting him 1st is making him think that you are not that into him. From his end you look like you are playing games.

Given that you are both busy parents I would say you need to find time to talk on the phone using voice or better, video, at least 2x per week & maybe schedule an adult date (no kids) at least once every two weeks. Some sporadic contact between via whatever medium is fine just stop relying solely on text to stay in touch. It's a lousy medium. 90% of communication is non-verbal & you lose all of that when you rely on text alone.

February 4, 2021

16 hours ago, Blkpunk311 said:

Texting is easiest for both of us.

But you can't handle it. You respond to uncertainty by presuming the most unflattering motivation which further begs the question of his sense of self worth as much as it does yours.

You have trust issues from the ex. He took advantage of you but what about you? Maybe you need a makeover. Find your passion. If you just have a job get a career that pays you what you are worth. Your kids have a dad. Lover is sprinkles not butter, eggs and flour.

Edited February 4, 2021 by MRSR31

February 4, 2021

I think you need to work on yourself first. You have not even had one proper date with this man or even kissed him and yet you are soo much into him and building expectations and getting desperate and anxious. Do you really need a man so desperately? why don’t you meet other men too then? And whats the big deal if he doesn’t like you? Who is he anyways? Just a co worker that you are infatuated with even without a date? I am worried that if he dumps you after few dates or after sex you will completely fall apart. So work on yourself first. You are not ready to date.

February 4, 2021

On 2/3/2021 at 6:35 AM, Blkpunk311 said:

I don't know why I do that. . I did tell him once that my insecurities are my downfall and to please be patient with me. I stress over everything in my life. I want to relax and just have fun with this. I'm trying so hard, but I get nervous when he doesn't talk because then I start thinking. Is he tired of me? Did he find someone else? Is he just asleep? Is he with the boys? It's so stupid. I need to learn how to relax. I like him a lot, even If we just stay friends. I don't know how to relax and just enjoy what I've got.

Seriously? You need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend right now---all of this is above his pay grade and expertise. He's not equipped to lead you out of this psychological minefield you're in.

Edited February 4, 2021 by kendahke

February 4, 2021

On 2/3/2021 at 6:40 AM, Blkpunk311 said:

but of course, I'm going to mess this up too because I don't know how to relax

You're way too hard on yourself - about this, and about being insecure. It's normal to be insecure after we've been crushed by someone we trusted. However, if you're ever going to have a chance at a healthy relationship again, you have to separate what happened in your past and not punish a new guy for what someone else did to you. It's perfectly normal to have those thoughts . . . "Oh, if he's always busy, it means he doesn't want to talk to me.." etc., but you have to stop that mindset. It's as simple as reminding yourself that HE didn't do anything to betray you. You're not married. You're not in a relationship. Just go with the flow and try to enjoy your time with him (and ask him out again, if that's what you want!)

Clear your head from all of those underlying "what-ifs" and take things as they come (and for heaven's sake, don't try to qualify every single little thing he does and says - "he said this, but does he mean this??") It sounds like you are also busy with your promotion, and kids - just like him - especially having a non-verbal child, so....Relax. Take a deep breath.

Sign In

I'm too old for this maybe. Stressing.

Recommended Posts

Blkpunk311

snowboy91

Alpacalia

kendahke

Wiseman2

MRSR31

Wiseman2

Fletch Lives

Blkpunk311

Blkpunk311

Wiseman2

ShyViolet

Versacehottie

introverted1

smackie9

Miss Spider

d0nnivain

MRSR31

winny

kendahke

vla1120

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...