Jackk18 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) Ok so i’ve been dating this girl for 2 months starting in december known her since november. we’re both 18 and everything has been going good so far until last night. I’ve known about her past i knew she had 4 previous sexual partners but she left out this one part that got me pissed. So she has her friend group of friends or whatever and one of them is this guy ryan and in the beginning she told me they were just friends and back in march they had a thing and nothing else and there was nothing else to it. Basically she made me think they tried talking but nothing came out of it and that they stayed friends and that she never really liked him. So me thinking they have just always been friends i’d didn’t care that they snapped and when i was over they’d text about random stuff or whatever and i didn’t care cuz u know i trusted they were always just friends. So now i’ll send u the paragraph she sent me last night. here it is ———> but me and ryan have been best friends since sophomore year and i never had feelings for him but he had feelings for me. we went to formal together but i thought we were going as friends but he didn’t and tried making a move and i rejected it. but anyways we established that we’re just friends and we were best friends since. then during quarantine, i was getting out of that relationship with the guy that said he’d kill himself if i left him. ryan was there for me during that. now, idk if it was because i was locked in my house for 2 months cause of quarantine, but my mind was like “if he can be a good best friend, he can be a good bf right?” so i told him i needed a bf like him that cared about me and then he confessed he never lost feelings for me. then i stupidly was like alright let’s be something (cause i was lonely asf) and we hung out and got ice cream and then we hung out at my house. now yk how i never mentioned my 4th body? it’s because it was ryan and i regret not telling you right away and it’s been literally eating me up inside ever since and i felt so guilty and like a bad gf. right after we both regretted it and acted like it never happened. i realized i had zero feelings for him and i’m pretty sure lost feelings as well. i never wanted to tell you because we were still friends and i didn’t want to make u uncomfortable, i really regret not telling u. it feel good to be open with you tho. i decided i’m keeping my distance with ryan now out of respect for you. Yep that’s it. she had sex w this dude and continued to text him while we are dating for 2 months. And guess what; before she told me this she told me that ryan asked her to hangout alone with her and she told me she rejected it. So you already know this guy still has feelings. So imagine this from my perspective. i’m hanging out with my girlfriend we’re laying together and she’s just texting ryan about some random stuffand i don’t care i don’t mind because at the time i didn’t know the full story between them. Basically it’s her texting her ex right in front of me. I said that to her but she was like we never dated it was a thing. So then i was like oh so it was a hookup and u were just horny and then she was like no it wasn’t that so i was like well then what is it and she said “idk it was just a weird thing that happened. one thing led to another” What it seems like to me is she was just bored and horny and wanted sex because after it happened she said both him and her instantly regretted it. Oh and what pisses me off more is that at the end of that paragraph she’s like i distanced my self from him to respect u. LIKE?? why didn’t she do that in the BEGINNING?? Now we had a 2 hour phone call and she’s non stop crying and saying how much i mean to her and she can’t lose me all that. u guys know how that is. Now this is hard for me because she didn’t cheat. this happened almost a year ago. But what makes me mad is she hid all the rest from me and continued snapping him and they hung out a couple times while we were dating but with groups of other people with so i don’t rly care about that. according to her she barley snaps him and their relationship is just platonic and i believe her but we know that guy would have sex with her again if he could. literally asked her to hangout alone while we were dating and she said no. I don’t know about you guys but i don’t want my girl talking to a guy she had sex with a while ago and knowing the guy still likes her. if i knew this i wouldn’t have been okay with it in the beginning and would’ve told her that. To get more of my perspective how would u guys feel if your boyfriend/girlfriend still talked to someone they had sex with and knowing the the other person still had feelings for them. she thinks he doesn’t have feelings anymore but i’m a guy i know how this stuffworks. So last night she completely cut him off and unadded him on everything out of “respect” for me. but didn’t respect me enough to tell me the whole situation or to stop talking to him in the beginning. Right now i told her i just need some time alone for a few days but we’re not breaking up. Do i not have a right to be mad about this?? can i get some opinions? Edited February 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting, punctuation
josedelamuerte Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 It happened before you got together, she came clean (eventually). If I were in your shoes, I'd tell her I'm uncomfortable with her texting this guy, but seeing as how she has already decided to stop, of her own volition, I'd say - find it in your heart to forgive. 4
dramafreezone Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) Indenting your paragraphs would be very helpful. No one wants to read a wall a text. I've never understood why men care about how many other men a woman's been with? How does that affect anything? Was that your question, should you be mad that she had a sex life before she met you? No, that's ridiculous. I don't care who a woman that I'm dating is talking to, as long as she respects me enough not to do it in my face. As long as we're not married on on that track, she can talk to whoever she wants. If she texting other guys while we're spending time together then that's a problem for me and I will bring it up. That's a simple matter of respect. Edited February 1, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Author Jackk18 Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 1 hour ago, josedelamuerte said: It happened before you got together, she came clean (eventually). If I were in your shoes, I'd tell her I'm uncomfortable with her texting this guy, but seeing as how she has already decided to stop, of her own volition, I'd say - find it in your heart to forgive. 58 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Indenting your paragraphs would be very helpful. No one wants to read a wall a text. I've never understood why men care about how many other men a woman's been with? How does that affect anything? Was that your question, should you be mad that she had a sex life before she met you? No, that's ridiculous. I don't care who a woman that I'm dating is talking to, as long as she respects me enough not to do it in my face. As long as we're not married on on that track, she can talk to whoever she wants. If she texting other guys while we're spending time together then that's a problem for me and I will bring it up. That's a simple matter of respect. Yeah she did text him in front of me a few times while we were spending time together. i don’t know if i mentioned that or not. my bad for not indenting anything.
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 She seems a bit s dramatic. Do you think they're not done yet or is she trying to make you jealous. Take time too step back from all this and reflect. See if you even want to bother with this triangle and drama. 1 1
amygirl908 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: She seems a bit dramatic. To me they both seem a little dramatic, but I'll look at it through the lens of an 18 year old and give some advice I wish someone had given me when I was 18. This is stupid petty BS. When you're young you make mistakes, and even when you're not young you still make them. What someone does afterwards is what really means something. It shows you about their character and their values. She's desperately trying to show you that she made a mistake by not telling you and she's trying to make it right. More than above and beyond by cutting off a close friend. When we date someone we have to realize that they had a life before we met them and it's perfectly ok to be in contact/friends with an ex or someone that you slept with at one point and have it not be sexual. I have a friend who a long time ago was a FWB - at one point we decided to stop the B and just be friends again and that's all we are is friends. I moved so we don't talk regularly anymore but we did and our conversations were nothing to be jealous about. You are both SO young... use this as an experience to learn and grow from and if you really like her don't let something that should be a minor bump in the road become a major road block. 2 1
BaileyB Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 7 minutes ago, amygirl908 said: To me they both seem a little dramatic That they do. There is a lot of complicated, teen-age relationship drama here. Four sexual partners and she is eighteen years old... I hope you are spending as much time studying as you are dating... that’s my opinion. 1
Author Jackk18 Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 17 minutes ago, BaileyB said: That they do. There is a lot of complicated, teen-age relationship drama here. Four sexual partners and she is eighteen years old... I hope you are spending as much time studying as you are dating... that’s my opinion. Yeah i know.
dramafreezone Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 I figured early 20s. If not even 20 that is a lot of sexual activity. Doesn't really change my advice though. If women see that you get jealous easily, they will either be turned off or they will intentionally make you jealous. This goes for any insecurity, they'll either be turned off by it or poke at it. It's best to not even let it bother you. 2
BaileyB Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: It's best to not even let it bother you. It’s best to chose a different partner if she has a lot of ex boyfriends circling and you are not sure you can trust her... And you probably can’t. She is only 18 and she has a lot of relationships on the go... Edited February 1, 2021 by BaileyB 1
ShyViolet Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 I think you are being too hard on her. You are overreacting just a bit. She hooked up with him a long time ago. It's in the PAST. You are acting like she cheated on you. It sounds like she is trying to do the right thing now. 2
Author Jackk18 Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: I think you are being too hard on her. You are overreacting just a bit. She hooked up with him a long time ago. It's in the PAST. You are acting like she cheated on you. It sounds like she is trying to do the right thing now. Ik it’s in the past but just her continuing to talk to him right in front me while hiding it is what really made me mad. 1
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) Should you be upset?...why sure who wouldn't. She lied about it. Is it inappropriate to be still texting this dude?...Yes it is. How would she like it you were texting some girl you smashed with...in front of her! but hey when you are 18, the world revolves around oneself. Most 18 year olds don't think past their own wants and needs, and don't realize how selfish they are. You, her and anyone else at that age are still learning about things and this is one of them. Took me awhile to realize any guy that is hovering around is wanting to smash or is crushin (orbiter) and isn't really my friend. She's still lying to you about details of course...she's trying to save the relationship. Now it's up to you to say no, I'm not doing this, and tell her goodbye or you forgive her, and get past this bump in the road. Edited February 1, 2021 by smackie9
snowboy91 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 There was a fair bit to unpack there, but here's my thoughts as someone whose partner is still friends with someone she dated. In my case, they were friends before they dated, tried dating and realised it was a bad idea, so they went back to friends and stayed that way. In your case, I would say your GF is being honest - she knew you wouldn't be comfortable with the idea that you had a brief fling with this guy. And I do understand the struggle of feelings she went through - trying to see if something would work when it wasn't going to for her. I don't think she has feelings for him, but I'm fairly sure he does for her. The question is, do you trust her to maintain that boundary? I will add one more thing - I'd say it's poor form to be messaging him while she's hanging out with you. Not because it's him specifically, but when you're hanging out with someone IRL, they should be your main focus, not your phone.
mark clemson Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 (edited) Assuming this is all there is to it, this is the kind of thing some folks would feel is no big deal, while others would feel it's bad, even up to being a deal-breaker. So, you'll have to sort out where you stand. Since she has owned up with you on what she's done, are you going to inform her that you're posting her texts verbatim on an internet advice forum? Some folks would probably think you should. I'd say it's up to you, but certainly more honest to tell her. Again it's the sort of thing some folks would be understanding (or simply not care) about, while others might feel quite strongly that "trust had been violated". So if you decide to tell her, suggest you "gird your loins" in case she reacts negatively. GL in your endeavors. You presumably have a lot of living (and learning) ahead of you... Edited February 2, 2021 by mark clemson
Interstellar Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 5 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Indenting your paragraphs would be very helpful. No one wants to read a wall a text. I've never understood why men care about how many other men a woman's been with? How does that affect anything? Was that your question, should you be mad that she had a sex life before she met you? No, that's ridiculous. I don't care who a woman that I'm dating is talking to, as long as she respects me enough not to do it in my face. As long as we're not married on on that track, she can talk to whoever she wants. If she texting other guys while we're spending time together then that's a problem for me and I will bring it up. That's a simple matter of respect. In fairness, he’s only 18, he’s not a man yet.
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 5 hours ago, Jackk18 said: we’re both 18... Basically she made me think they tried talking but nothing came out of it and that they stayed friends and that she never really liked him... right after we both regretted it and acted like it never happened. i realized i had zero feelings for him and i’m pretty sure lost feelings as well. i never wanted to tell you because we were still friends and i didn’t want to make u uncomfortable, i really regret not telling u. it feel good to be open with you tho. i decided i’m keeping my distance with ryan now out of respect for you. Yep that’s it. she had sex w this dude and continued to text him while we are dating for 2 months. And guess what; before she told me this she told me that ryan asked her to hangout alone with her and she told me she rejected it. So you already know this guy still has feelings. So She's very immature, thus the drama. But, she also seems to be trying to give you a version of this she believes you'll accept. I write this because of the two bolded statements above. She knows he didn't lose feelings for her but she's telling you she thinks he did (not truth, she doesn't think he did). She knows why he continues to text her so much. Otherwise why would she have rejected his invite to hang out with her and been sure to tell you about that fact? 1
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 16 hours ago, Jackk18 said: Ok so i’ve been dating this girl for 2 months starting in december known her since november. we’re both 18 and everything has been going good so far until last night. I’ve known about her past i knew she had 4 previous sexual partners but she left out this one part that got me pissed. * * * Oh and what pisses me off more is that at the end of that paragraph she’s like i distanced my self from him to respect u. LIKE?? why didn’t she do that in the BEGINNING?? * * * I don’t know about you guys but i don’t want my girl talking to a guy she had sex with a while ago and knowing the guy still likes her. * * * Do i not have a right to be mad about this?? can i get some opinions? Just because she had sex with 4 guys before you doesn't mean she has a clue about life, sex or relationships. She disclosed too much to you upfront & now it's making you crazy. It seems like she is trying to do the right thing. It is problematic for her to still be in touch with an EX & even more so for her to consider him her best friend when he's really an orbitor hanging around waiting for her to like him again. You can be concerned about this & should be. Their relationship is too close & too lopsided. The fact that she can't see his true desires is troubling. Only you can say whether this is too much drama & you want out. You can't force her to give up Ryan. If you can't be comfortable with Ryan's presence in her life (I couldn't), then you need to end this.
Fletch Lives Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 17 hours ago, Jackk18 said: So last night she completely cut him off and unadded him on everything out of “respect” for me. She did the right thing, you should be happy. You have to understand how love works - she doesn't love that guy, she loves you - she's not going to get involved again with him when you own her heart.
Wiseman2 Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 15 hours ago, Jackk18 said: Ik it’s in the past but just her continuing to talk to him right in front me while hiding it is what really made me mad. Maybe it's best to just break up. So many girls you could date who aren't going to play silly games.
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