struass Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 So bare with me here.... I’ve been dating a girl now for 3 months. We met as I coach her son at football. After talking loads and flirting etc we have a long chat and I explained I didn’t want to just sleep with her and if anything was to happen she had to end her relationship. She did this for me and we have been dating since all very happily I may add and I’m developing feelings for her as she is with me. We’ve hit a bump in the road as over the last few days my friend have called me with 3rd party tails about her being a serial cheater, gold digger and lots of other not nice stuff through other people. This doesn’t fit with the person I know. I’ve discussed this with girl and she gets really upset about it and accuses me of not trusting her , which totally isn’t true. I’m so laid back that way. It’s eating away at me as I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?
ShyViolet Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 The "friend" who told you this stuff, is that person a reliable source? Do you know that person well? Where are they getting this information from? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 14 minutes ago, struass said: I’ve been dating a girl now for 3 months. We met as I coach her son at football. After talking loads and flirting etc we have a long chat and I explained I didn’t want to just sleep with her and if anything was to happen she had to end her relationship. She did this for me and we have been dating since all very happily I may add and I’m developing feelings for her as she is with me. Wait, so she was getting close to you while she was in a relationship? Is that what this means? And now people are telling you that she is the type to get close to other men while she's in a relationship? And you're both surprised and upset about that assertion? Just making sure I've got that right. 4 2
amygirl908 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: The "friend" who told you this stuff, is that person a reliable source? Do you know that person well? Where are they getting this information from? ^^ This first cause if there's anything I've learned in life you really have to evaluate your source. Just because we're "adults" now doesn't mean some of us don't enjoy gossiping like teenagers still. Then proceed with caution. I agree with @ExpatInItaly based on your story this seems like a women with a dating pattern. What to do is up to you and you have to determine what you are willing to accept. If it were me I'd check my feelings, distance myself and see what happens. I can completely understand how hard it is to make this decision I'm in a similar situation. Is this the person I "know" or the person I "hear" about. Only time will tell, there's only so long someone can pretend to be someone else.
BaileyB Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Wait, so she was getting close to you while she was in a relationship? Is that what this means? And now people are telling you that she is the type to get close to other men while she's in a relationship? And you're both surprised and upset about that assertion? Was also my thought... This may be an example of, “if they will do it with you, they will do it to you...” If this is true, it’s a pretty impulsive decision to make given that she has known you a very short time. It shows a lack of respect for relationship boundaries and you have to question her judgment to get with her son’s football coach... None of this looks good for a long term relationship. Edited February 1, 2021 by BaileyB 1
notbroken Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 Are you going to be worried during baseball season? Definitely keep both eyes open (and not just during baseball season). Can you ever trust her?
dramafreezone Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 You met her when she was in a relationship. Why would you think the same won't happen to you when things get stale? I would bet money on it that it will. Maybe just enjoy the time you spend together but I would not recommend considering anything serious with her. 2
Author struass Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 Just to explain, I didn’t get close. I waited for her to end her relationship before getting close. I felt that was the right thing to do. 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Wait, so she was getting close to you while she was in a relationship? Is that what this means? And now people are telling you that she is the type to get close to other men while she's in a relationship? And you're both surprised and upset about that assertion? Just making sure I've got that right.
Author struass Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 1 hour ago, ShyViolet said: The "friend" who told you this stuff, is that person a reliable source? Do you know that person well? Where are they getting this information from? I don’t count the source as that reliable to be fair, 3rd party at best but I had made me think. I guess people have pasts, it’s whether you want trust the feelings you have and how the other person makes me feel. I know I’ve not felt and reservation until the ‘messages’
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 2 hours ago, struass said: the last few days my friend have called me with 3rd party tails about her being a serial cheater, gold digger and lots of other not nice stuff through other people. I’ve discussed this with girl Just curious what your sources were for this nasty gossip? You called her out on this seedy hearsay? It's amazing she's still talking o you.
dramafreezone Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 1 hour ago, struass said: I don’t count the source as that reliable to be fair, 3rd party at best but I had made me think. I guess people have pasts, it’s whether you want trust the feelings you have and how the other person makes me feel. I know I’ve not felt and reservation until the ‘messages’ The last thing you want to do is let a woman that you're dating know that you're talking about her with other people. She will think you're untrustworthy and she won't tell you anything. Just keep it to yourself. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 So you got asked a great question: what if this woman is talking to guys in the same way that you and she talked before she ended a previous relationship? I gotta tell you: I am skeptical of people jumping from one relationship to the next with no break. I know it can happen, but often, that's just not a recipe for stability. We are often more attached to partners we dump or separate from than we might initially think. Here's a thought: your gf might be excellent at making you feel good. That does NOT mean she's reliable and consistent. Pleasing the other partner at the start of a relationship is very easy. Most folks can fake it and present their good sides at the start. So you CANNOT trust the feelings you have right. I'm not saying distrust them, but the "bond" you're feeling this early on--not reliable. And look, you're going to have to coldly evaluate the info you received. It should not be hard to verify. And of course, she's gonna deny the allegations. So her denial does not count for anything. Almost all of us deny allegations of past questionable behavior. Unless your friend is really petty, I'm thinking you have to take the friend's report as possibly reliable. 1
poppyfields Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, struass said: Just to explain, I didn’t get close. I waited for her to end her relationship before getting close. I felt that was the right thing to do. You didn't wait for her to end her RL, you essentially told her to end it, otherwise no go. An ultimatum. >>"After talking loads and flirting etc we have a long chat and I explained I didn’t want to just sleep with her and if anything was to happen she had to end her relationship. She did this for me To trust her now, you should have let her make the decision to end her RL on her own, without any prodding from you. Before you got involved. What if you hadn't given her that ultimatum? What would she have done? Would she have ended her RL on her own? Or carried on with you while still being in a RL with her now-ex? You will never know because you gave her that ultimatum. I tend to believe where there's smoke, there's fire. And she did flirt with you while she was in a relationship. And now that she's in a RL with you, chances are she will flirt with other men as well, perhaps leading them on, same way she did with you. I think you would be foolish to not consider that a real possibility. I know we all like to believe we're "special" and that just because someone behaved a certain way with others in the past, they won't behave that way with us. Because we're special. But in the end, we're really not. And eventually, they will treat you the same way they treated the others. That's why it's SO important to pay attention to a person's history and how they treated partners before you. I recently learned this myself. Best of luck whatever you decide. Edited February 1, 2021 by poppyfields 1
BaileyB Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 I think there are better decisions than to date the mother of one of your players... And has been said above, I have to question her judgment given she has apparently jumped from one relationship to another, particularly because she’s crossed a boundary here - I find it pretty disrespectful that she would do this to her son. When people learn about this relationship, it puts her son in an awkward position. The whole thing feels yucky to me.
chillii Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, struass said: Just to explain, I didn’t get close. I waited for her to end her relationship before getting close. I felt that was the right thing to do. Gee , you felt that was the right thing to do eh ahhh, sorry but you've both done the same thing then while she's lined you up then gone walkies on the other guy. So you know right there she has no problem at all if the grass looks greener but neither do you. Your friend might be right but then under the circumstances ahh. Edited February 2, 2021 by chillii
basil67 Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, struass said: I’ve discussed this with girl and she gets really upset about it and accuses me of not trusting her , which totally isn’t true. I’m so laid back that way. She's right. If you trusted her, you would have told this apparently untrustworthy source to mind their own business and not given it any further thought. If she is indeed innocent of the accusations, then she's got every right to be hurt and furious with you. You're going to have to figure out if you trust her or your source more, then make a decision. If you choose her, you'll have a lot of mending to do. Edited February 2, 2021 by basil67 spello
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 9 hours ago, struass said: Just to explain, I didn’t get close. I waited for her to end her relationship before getting close. I felt that was the right thing to do. That doesn't really line up with "she ended her relationship for me," sorry. She might not have physically cheated with you, but evidently something was brewing between you or you would not have felt the need to draw that boundary. And now you're upset that people tell you what you already know about her? What was the nature of your interactions with her while she was with her ex? 1
josedelamuerte Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 I don't get why you told her about this. What could you have possibly gained from it. If it's true she'd deny it, and you'd most likely still remain suspicious. If it's false it would hurt her feelings, knowing that people are saying nasty things behind her back, and you don't trust her. Either way you get bupkis. 2
Author struass Posted February 2, 2021 Author Posted February 2, 2021 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: That doesn't really line up with "she ended her relationship for me," sorry. She might not have physically cheated with you, but evidently something was brewing between you or you would not have felt the need to draw that boundary. And now you're upset that people tell you what you already know about her? What was the nature of your interactions with her while she was with her ex? We spoke a few times and when I realised I was interested I made it clear I couldn’t do anything unless she was single. A few months later she came back to me telling me she was single. I don’t believe she’s cheated on me or will cheat on me but I guess there is some kind of barrier there now which I need to work out. I’ve taken a step back to evaluate the situation before things get too serious
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 8 minutes ago, struass said: We spoke a few times and when I realised I was interested I made it clear I couldn’t do anything unless she was single. A few months later she came back to me telling me she was single. Was she asking you to meet up, or? Or otherwise giving you the impression that she was interested?
Author struass Posted February 2, 2021 Author Posted February 2, 2021 30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Was she asking you to meet up, or? Or otherwise giving you the impression that she was interested? At the time no, it was just chatting over text. No phone calls, no meeting secretly. Yes, she told me she was interested very clearly. this happened to me 8 years ago, so I made it clear before I engaged in anything she had to sort her currently relationship. I tried to do the right thing. yes, alarm bells are ringing but surely this is normal? People can be unhappy and find love elsewhere? I’m really struggling, it’s consuming me
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 3 hours ago, struass said: We spoke a few times and when I realised I was interested I made it clear I couldn’t do anything unless she was single. A few months later she came back to me telling me she was single. OK, the amount of time in here -- months -- makes this a bit less like cheating but it does seem a bit like monkey branching. From this 3rd party you now know this woman has a reputation. It may or not be earned / true but it's out there. If it doesn't square with the person you know, & presumably know better than the person who was gossiping to you, file the info away but keep your eyes open. Observe how your new BF actually behaves. If you see evidence of gold digging or her lining up her next BF assume the rumors were true. Until then, enjoy what you have & don't worry too much about the gossip. 2
Blind-Sided Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 in your own story... she is a cheater. She was with someone else... she got close to you... and left the other guy. I would believe your friend, and move on. OR... continue to sleep with her, but disconnect now, so when she does leave... you won't be hurt. 1
Marc878 Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 3 hours ago, struass said: We spoke a few times and when I realised I was interested I made it clear I couldn’t do anything unless she was single. A few months later she came back to me telling me she was single. I don’t believe she’s cheated on me or will cheat on me but I guess there is some kind of barrier there now which I need to work out. I’ve taken a step back to evaluate the situation before things get too serious Famous last words. You are right to step back a little before you get too involved. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, struass said: At the time no, it was just chatting over text. No phone calls, no meeting secretly. Yes, she told me she was interested very clearly. this happened to me 8 years ago, so I made it clear before I engaged in anything she had to sort her currently relationship. I tried to do the right thing. yes, alarm bells are ringing but surely this is normal? People can be unhappy and find love elsewhere? Yes, that can happen. The problem I see with the situation (as you describe it) is that you told her she needed to sort her then-relationship. Not the other way around? I don't see where she drew the boundary first, given that she was the one in a relationship. So, yes, you tried to do the right thing. Question is, did she? Or did she need prompting from you to do so? Edited February 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
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