sabthefabk Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 I(22) have been in a relation ship with my boyfriend(29) for 3 years now. We've met eachother's parents.He recently asked me to move in with him, and while I am pretty excited, I do have some reservations. I'm a traditional girl and don't have any previous relationship experience, but for some weird reason, I'm finding it really hard to trust him. I need help figuring out if he's not trustworthy/loyal or if I'm being overly paranoid/insecure. 1)Last year his female coworker had a bad date, and asked my bf to see her at midnight. Bf told me the girl's date tried to pressure her into sex and she refused, so he left her. Bf told me he was going to see her. Once he was back, he told me he picked her up and took her to the beach where she vented to him. Then he took her back to her place where they had food and he came back home.I told him this made me uncomfortable. He apologized profusely to me and said that coworker is a "big sister" to him. 2)A few weeks later, he hung out with her again at the beach and told me himself. I again expressed discomfort. He quickly apologized and I accepted the apology. 3)I almost broke up with him and asked to see the text conversation between him and the coworker from the night they went to the beach. In it, the coworker repeatedly stated just how drunk she was. She was super drunk. Instead of encouraging this other woman to go home and sober up, my bf told her he'll leave in just 15 minutes to get to her. So they can go to the beach alone. I asked him to introduce me to her(the coworker) and since our schedules didn't align he told me I could message her on facebook. He let her know she should be expecting a message from me. I asked her about the beach incident politely, to which she replied "Nothing happened at the beach. We just hung out. He's a friend of mine" then blocked me. She made some racist comments about me to my bf at work, and bf told me she said she doesn't want to interact with me. I told bf I was hurt and he apologized for her behavior. She, however, kept texting bf asking him how things are between us. I told bf I'm not comfortable with him contacting her for non-work related reasons and he agreed and we moved on. 4)I once asked him to show me his work place. He resisted but eventually gave in. He walked me around the office but didn't introduce me to anyone, including the coworker I was concerned with. 5)He goes to nightclubs quite often. He's invited me a couple of times after I turned 21 but I couldn't since I live with parents and I'm not allowed to go to clubs. I am absolutely, 100% uncomfortable with night clubs and going to them. I told him I am uncomfortable with him going to night clubs.He told me he will neither drink nor dance at the night club. Another time, I asked him to not go when none of his friends were going with him. He agreed not to go and pouted. Eventually, I gave in, apologized to him, and told him to go. 6)He went on a Las Vegas boys' trip with a boy pal. Before the boys' trip, he verbally expressed his friend's intent to use their shared rented car to "pick up girls in the ferrari," and to hire sex workers. 7)This year, this same friend is visiting my bf from Miami and they plan on taking a vacation on New years together. 8) Bf went to vegas and grand canyon last winter. I asked him who he went with and he said he went with guy friends. A friend of his posted pics from this trip and I saw a picture of my bf, his guy friend, the guy friend's girlfriend, and the guy friend's female roommate. I confronted bf and he seriously apologized.He told me he hid the fact that girls were on this trip too because the female roommate decided to accompany them at the last minute and he knew I'd be uncomfortable given how I reacted to the beach hangout with his coworker an year earlier. Other than my trust issues above, this guy has been absolutely lovely to me. He's asked me to marry him. My parents(who don't approve of him due to diff religions) insulted him and he still stayed with me. Dad tried to get a restraining order on him, but bf stayed. I am applying to medical school now and can't really see him since I'm studying for the MCATs. He visits me at work(I work night shifts) in the middle of the night every week so we can hang out while I'm on break. Tl;dr My question is: Do you guys think I should stay in this relationship Or should I break up given his activities listed above. I'm having trouble trusting him(my dad also cheated on mom several times) but I don't know if it's because he's giving me reason to not trust him or if I'm insecure. Are these relatively minor relationship problems or are these huge red flags? I feel like he really loves me, or why else would he stay with me knowing my parents are so strict?But if he really loves me, why does he keep hanging out with women?
josedelamuerte Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) I think your dad, being one himself, can recognize a cheater from a mile away, and that's why he disapproves of this guy. He wants something better for his daughter. I think at 22 you've not had enough experience to to make an educated decision about marrying this man, or any other man. I think he's using that to his advantage, trying to lock you down while you're young and impressionable. I think your trust issues are well founded. Having said that, I know that in different places around the world people marry at different ages, and while my parents disapproving of someone (to the point of getting a restraining order!) would be a huge dealbreaker for me, I realize some parents are crazy and disapprove of everyone. Good luck! Edited February 1, 2021 by josedelamuerte typo 1
littleblackheart Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 You're swimming in a sea of drama, OP. You don't need this all the while studying for your MCATs; that should be your priority at the moment. I personally see very huge red flags, yes, in the way your bf seems to be entertaining a double life - one with you and one involving boys' trips to fun places, inappropriate relationship with with other women and habitual apologising to get out of trouble. The other thing is that your parents seem a bit too overinvested in your adult life. I get that you live under their roof, but still. Is moving out an option? 1 hour ago, sabthefabk said: He let her know she should be expecting a message from me. I asked her about the beach incident politely, to which she replied "Nothing happened at the beach. We just hung out. He's a friend of mine" then blocked me. She made some racist comments about me to my bf at work, and bf told me she said she doesn't want to interact with me. I told bf I was hurt and he apologized for her behavior. She, however, kept texting bf asking him how things are between us. I told bf I'm not comfortable with him contacting her for non-work related reasons and he agreed and we moved on. This isn't a great picture you're painting here. I'd reevaluate your relationship on this alone. Why would he even want to be 'friends' with a racist person who seemingly is desperate for you guys to break up? He shouldn't be apologising for her behaviour, he should be nexting her on the spot. So to sum up - very valid trust issues. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 I see no good reason to continue dating this man. Aside from the religious differences, I think your dad sees the major red flags that you don't see. Or don't want to see in their entirety. This guy is not a good boyfriend, let alone prospective husband.
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) I find it troubling that a 26 year old man started dating a 19 year old teen. 3 years in he has a life & does adult things. The sheltered life you have lived to date does not afford you a perspective about life. You don't get tours of other people's work spaces. Employers don't allow that. I have been married for 13 years & never set foot inside my husband's office. Even if he wanted to invited me he couldn't because those are the rules. He was very open with you about this other woman. I don't think he's cheating with her or that you have anything to worry about on the fidelity score. However, the fact that she's a racist who insulted you tells me he should have cut her out of his life for that. While you weren't living together him going to nightclubs without you is just a thing, partially born of you being underage. You can't prohibit him from going but you might want to go with him a few times before you condemn the practice. It's going to be an issue while you are in med school. You will have no time & he will be alone a lot. A nightclub probably isn't the best place for him to pass the time. It wasn't wrong of him to go to Las Vegas but it was wrong to lie. Your dad being a cheater is coloring all this. You don't know how to trust which is understandable because of your dad. All in all I think you will see this guy in a different light as time passes. Don't make any decisions now before Med School. You need to focus on that. When you finish your residency you can see where you are. You don't need the distraction of a husband or worse, a baby. Edited February 1, 2021 by d0nnivain
BaileyB Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, sabthefabk said: Dad tried to get a restraining order on him, but bf stayed. Why did your dad try to get a restraining order on your boyfriend? This seems rather extreme to me. Is it really just because of the fact that you have different religions? And why did your boyfriend disrespect your father by staying in his home when it was clear that he was not wanted? This would be enough for me to end the relationship. I’m not sure what your relationship is with your parents and I don’t know anything about your culture. I don’t need my parents approval to do anything, but I have more respect for my parents than this... I think you need to focus on school. This guy needs to sow some wild oats with his friends. Men who have matured and are prepared to marry and settle down don’t do these kinds of things... You are both far too young to be considering marriage. Good luck with your studies. Edited February 1, 2021 by BaileyB
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 Those are huge red flags waving at you. You have a bright future ahead of you, you're only 21 and have all the time in the world for love. This man is not good. I would not approve of him to date one of my daughters and I am not a religious person, I find your boyfriend sneaky, secretive, disrespectful and does all types of inappropriate things. Hard to believe he's 29.
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 Lying about just a boy's trip when people brought their gf/female roommate? That's when I would have kicked him to the curb. Everything you have posted about, is a BF who doesn't know boundaries, and has actions that are inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship. Any of this will change? I doubt it....he will just make sure you don't see it. 1
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 8 hours ago, sabthefabk said: But if he really loves me, why does he keep hanging out with women? Even if he did, his actions speak of disrespect.
CollinW Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 This entire scenario is a hot damn mess. I'm not even sure why you're both together. Complete clashes of personalities, expectations and even religion. You're way too controlling and he's way too sneaky. One may be justified or not depending on whether the chicken or the egg came first, regardless its not working and both are at fault. He wants freedom and you want security. Neither are in the place to offer it. 1
amygirl908 Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 I think ultimately you both are not compatible. It seems like you both want different things and feel differently about relationships with opposite sex friends and friends in general. If you're feeling uncomfortable in your relationship it means that something is wrong. I think I am going to have an unpopular opinion, but I think a great deal of the issues are coming from your insecurities. The behavior ultimately could be totally innocent or not but I get the feeling he feels like he's walking on eggshells and that's not good for either of you. It's disrespectful for him to not be honest and to keep things from you, but to him avoiding the fight is easier than feeling like he has to justify what to him is innocent behavior. I'm not saying he's right or wrong just pointing out my initial thoughts. If you're having reservations about moving in with him I would go with your gut, but I'd also reflect on feeling insecure in relationships and how to avoid these feelings in the future. Whether that is selecting different kinds of partners or learning how to feel more secure independently and in yourself that's for you to decide. I only suggest this because I have ruined great relationships because of my insecure behavior. Once I learned how to listen to my gut vs my insecurities it really helped pave the way towards better relationships in all areas of my life - my family, friends, coworkers - not just romantic relationships. It's also something I actively work on, no one is perfect.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 At best, this guy is immature. If you're wanting something serious and committed, this guy ain't it.
poppyfields Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 (edited) >>He's asked me to marry him. Given everything you've written, I'm wondering what his angle is in wanting to marry you. Do you come from wealth? Even if not, you're going to be a doctor = $$$. What does he do? Something is not jiving here, my sense is he's got some angle and I think the story he gave you about his co-worker and nothing happening at the beach was a load of *. Just because he told you does not mean nothing happened. She called, he jumped, he had to tell you something. If me, I'd be extremely cautious, and would listen to dad. Edited February 2, 2021 by poppyfields 2
ShyViolet Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 Trust your instincts. Something seems off about this guy. And your dad tried to get a restraining order against him? There has to be more to that story than just "he doesn't like him because he's a different religion." 2
kendahke Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 Go back and re-read your post as if it was your daughter writing this. What would you tell her? Your boyfriend doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. This coworker means more to him than you do. We went on dates with her and her being drunk is his lure, hence him dropping you in the middle of the night to go rush to her side. She could call a cab or uber if she needed a ride home and slept off the drunken dramatics. He's clearly of the mind to do what he wants to do, despite how you feel about it. He'll do it anyway then apologize for it after the fact because, from the way it looks from where I'm sitting, there are no serious consequences from you for his actions. I mean, you're still there wondering if you should cut him loose. You have much more on your plate to be concerned with without a distraction like your boyfriend causing you to flunk out of med school because you're trippin' off of his mess.
trident_2020 Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 I get why you have valid concerns but based on the information provided, this one is too close to call, not enough to go on, sorry.
snowboy91 Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 You've listed a whole lot of things you've been uncomfortable with. It's valid for you to feel this discomfort. With regard to the coworker - it's certainly possible for people to have opposite sex friends that they aren't attracted to, but if one (or both) are in a relationship, it's a good idea to show that it's all above board. I would assume you would be more comfortable had you met this coworker a few times and observe the nature of their relationship. If he and her have both got defensive, then something isn't quite right. I wouldn't go as far as say he's cheating - it could be, instead, that he may feel something isn't right in your relationship and she is the only one who understands him. Obviously that's just an example. With regard to his lifestyle - yeah, that's his thing. If it's something you're not comfortable with him doing, then it's only going to cause more problems as time goes on. This difference could likely go one of two ways - he's wishing you were with him but knows it's not your thing and will eventually get frustrated, or he's using it as space away from your relationship to have his fun. That doesn't necessarily mean he is doing something he shouldn't, but that difference is going to continue to cause problems. Even as he stops doing the club scene, he may still like to go out to other large scale events you may not be comfortable with. The question is, do you want to keep living with that discomfort? Can you find ways to help you trust him, even if he does a few small things?
Wiseman2 Posted February 4, 2021 Posted February 4, 2021 11 hours ago, sabthefabk said: I(22) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend(29) for 3 years . Dad even tried to get a restraining order on him, since he's a different religion. Don't move in and ruin your future with a jerk like this in order to rebel against your parents or religion. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Get good grades, take the MCATs, get into the best med school you can and keep your eyes on the ball.
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