Should I let him go?

[Aussiegirl94]

Hi everybody, 

I’m a single mum to a little girl who doesn’t have a relationship her father. I have been single for the duration of my pregnancy up until I finally decided to start dating again which was last year with my now boyfriend. He is amazing with my little one, they have a beautiful bond. 

Here is the back story of my relationship,. 3 weeks into dating my partner found out that 10 years ago i slept with one of his best friends(I did not know they were friends up until he mentioned this). When he first found out he was angry/upset and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue seeing me, we did our best to move forward even though sometimes he would bring it up. The past is the past which nobody can change he knows that and has said that but it was hard for him to accept because he is a good friend. 
Fast forward to now after finally meeting his extended family at a function just my luck the first person I see at this function is an ex boyfriend of mine from 4 years ago who I was in a very short relationship with due to him cheating on me. My partner did not know this ex of mine at this party. I did not mention this to my partner when we left as I did not want to make him feel uncomfortable and I hope it wouldn’t be a conversation we would need to have. He asked me if there was anybody I knew at the party I was honest and said that guy was an ex of mine. My partner did not like this information.

To top it off his cousin is best friends with my long term ex boyfriend from my early twenties. 
Let me assure you these males were ex boyfriends and no flings. 
I was honest about this as well, there is no point in lying about something which would eventually come out. 

My partner is hurt and unsure of our relationship now, he says he doesn’t know if he can be with me and that these kinds of things keep popping up and he looks like an idiot. That people will be laughing at him because of my past. That my taste in males is horrible(my past record isn’t that great/I’ve been cheated on by majority of my ex boyfriends) 

He doesn’t want to be embarrassed being with me because people will be laughing at him, that he doesn’t really know me and I have too many skeletons. He loves me but doesn’t think love is enough in this situation and this is hard for him because he doesn’t want to be that guy that walks away because of my daughter and I.

I really love this man and want a future with him like we planned. it hurts that my past can come bite me in the bum. 

I’m really not sure what I’m expecting from this post. Hopefully I can get some advice.

 

Edited January 31, 2021 by Aussiegirl94
Added more info

[snowboy91]

If people are going to be laughing at him for dating you, then he needs better people in his life.

I understand people can get uncomfortable about people having a relationships history, but it's a little concerning for him that he sees your history as a reason for him to be embarrassed. He has to accept that anyone he dates is going to have a relationship history, and that exes are exes for a reason. Perhaps you could say that there are good reasons you're dating him and not any of those other guys.

To answer your title, if he wants to leave, let him, but that says a lot more about him than it does about you.

[FMW]

2 hours ago, Aussiegirl94 said:

He doesn’t want to be embarrassed being with me

If a guy I was involved with was embarrassed to be with me - for any reason - I wouldn't want to be with HIM.  

Everyone has a past.  If you've both lived in the same general area for most of your lives, there are going to be crossovers.  Unless you dated/slept with a ridiculously large number of men, there is no reason you should feel like you have done something wrong - which is what expressing it as your "past coming back to bite you" seems to indicate you feel.  Before being judgmental about your taste in men he should take a look at your choice to be with him.  

You've had bad luck with men, but that doesn't mean you should think this is the best you can do because you feel grateful to this guy for bonding with your daughter and not cheating on you.   

[Watercolors]

I agree with this others. OP, you have ZERO to apologize for or feel guilty about. 

If he wants to break up, let him. He seems more concerned with outward appearances then having a solid relationship with you and your daughter. He has no business holding your past over your head like some Scarlet Letter. Who is he to talk?!?!

Tell him to move on, then change the door locks and break up with him. Your daughter is young enough, she will recover. 

Men who hold their partner's pasts as some kind of collateral, do so, to be emotionally cruel and manipulative when it serves them. He has no respect for you, by doing that. So, he's showing you through his behavior who he really is: a weasel. 

Edited February 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
langauge

[basil67]

I find it interesting that he's worried about being the guy who walks away.....as opposed to being the guy who gets dumped because he's got too many issues.

[Gaeta]

If he's not a man enough to stand confident and not care about busybuddies then he's not worth being your boyfriend. Everything he told you is horrible just horrible and it would have killed the love for me. 

[ShyViolet]

He doesn't know if he can be with you because...... you've had previous boyfriends?  You've had a past?  You didn't mention anything particularly sketchy or crazy in your past, just that you have had ex boyfriends.  That's it.  He is not ok with that?  Is he looking for a woman who has never ever been with anyone else?  What exactly does he expect?

He's afraid that people will "laugh at him" for being with you?  And you still want a future with this guy?  Are you kidding me?

He has insulted you and unfairly judged you over and over.  Find your self-respect, and use it now.  This guy is a jerk and deserves to get dumped.  You can do better than this.

[basil67]

I'm not even convinced that his mates will say anything, let alone mock him.   Do you know if anyone has actually said anything mean to him?   I reckon it's all in his head.

[5x5]

You are worth more than settling for that, you would do well to dump him.

[Aussiegirl94]

@basil67 nobody has said anything to him about yesterday. He said he had a feeling because my ex was giving him funny looks. 

[Aussiegirl94]

@ShyVioleti didn’t go into details/wouldn’t want to. 
Only that I was in a short relationship with the cheater. He said that he knows what guys are like and they will call me a slut(not that he thinks I am) 

[Jonny80]

I think maybe he has some insecurities and may feel threatened by these other men, sit him down and explain everyone has a past and tell him how you feel about him and how you value you’re relationship. 
 

reassure him he has nothing to fear or be jealous about, maybe he could open up and explain why he feels the way he does.  If he’s genuinely just embarrassed about the fact you dated his mate and that’s 100% the reason then maybe he needs to respect you more and need to ask you’re self is he good enough for you?

[Aussiegirl94]

Update: we had a face to face conversation, he has heard a rumour that I used to be a hooker(totally untrue) he wouldn’t take my answer and was drilling me for over an hour. Asking me to just admit it so he can have a clear coincidence that he is making the right choice to end the relationship.

 

I didn’t really know what to say, I am shocked. 

[Gaeta]

You want a man like that around your little girl? and she grows up thinking it's ok for men to accuse you like this of anything their mind comes up with? I don't believe for one minute he heard a rumour. He's acting like a 15 year old worrying what other kids will say on school grown. Not very solid trust worthy man. 

Tell him to go figure himself out, you don't have time for his paranoia. 

[d0nnivain]

He is too insecure & he has no trust with you.  Without trust you have nothing.  He's listening to unverified rumors instead of believing you.  That is all it would take for me to kick his sorry butt to the curb.

He's not the man you think he is.  He has no spine, no self confidence & he does not love you enough to be a reliable BF. 

[5x5]

1 hour ago, Aussiegirl94 said:

Update: we had a face to face conversation, he has heard a rumour that I used to be a hooker(totally untrue) he wouldn’t take my answer and was drilling me for over an hour. Asking me to just admit it so he can have a clear coincidence that he is making the right choice to end the relationship.

 

I didn’t really know what to say, I am shocked. 

The sensible thing would be to tell him to f*** off and then dump him.

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Aussiegirl94 said:

Update: we had a face to face conversation, he has heard a rumour that I used to be a hooker(totally untrue) he wouldn’t take my answer and was drilling me for over an hour. Asking me to just admit it so he can have a clear coincidence that he is making the right choice to end the relationship.

 

I didn’t really know what to say, I am shocked. 

Why on earth are you still pursuing a man who treats you like this?  Do you have low self-esteem?

[Aussiegirl94]

40 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why on earth are you still pursuing a man who treats you like this?  Do you have low self-esteem?

 

40 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why on earth are you still pursuing a man who treats you like this?  Do you have low self-esteem?

 

45 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

The sensible thing would be to tell him to f*** off and then dump him.

We

 

15 hours ago, Aussiegirl94 said:

Hi everybody, 

I’m a single mum to a little girl who doesn’t have a relationship her father. I have been single for the duration of my pregnancy up until I finally decided to start dating again which was last year with my now boyfriend. He is amazing with my little one, they have a beautiful bond. 

Here is the back story of my relationship,. 3 weeks into dating my partner found out that 10 years ago i slept with one of his best friends(I did not know they were friends up until he mentioned this). When he first found out he was angry/upset and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue seeing me, we did our best to move forward even though sometimes he would bring it up. The past is the past which nobody can change he knows that and has said that but it was hard for him to accept because he is a good friend. 
Fast forward to now after finally meeting his extended family at a function just my luck the first person I see at this function is an ex boyfriend of mine from 4 years ago who I was in a very short relationship with due to him cheating on me. My partner did not know this ex of mine at this party. I did not mention this to my partner when we left as I did not want to make him feel uncomfortable and I hope it wouldn’t be a conversation we would need to have. He asked me if there was anybody I knew at the party I was honest and said that guy was an ex of mine. My partner did not like this information.

To top it off his cousin is best friends with my long term ex boyfriend from my early twenties. 
Let me assure you these males were ex boyfriends and no flings. 
I was honest about this as well, there is no point in lying about something which would eventually come out. 

My partner is hurt and unsure of our relationship now, he says he doesn’t know if he can be with me and that these kinds of things keep popping up and he looks like an idiot. That people will be laughing at him because of my past. That my taste in males is horrible(my past record isn’t that great/I’ve been cheated on by majority of my ex boyfriends) 

He doesn’t want to be embarrassed being with me because people will be laughing at him, that he doesn’t really know me and I have too many skeletons. He loves me but doesn’t think love is enough in this situation and this is hard for him because he doesn’t want to be that guy that walks away because of my daughter and I.

I really love this man and want a future with him like we planned. it hurts that my past can come bite me in the bum. 

I’m really not sure what I’m expecting from this post. Hopefully I can get some advice.

 

we have broken up 

[Aussiegirl94]

47 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why on earth are you still pursuing a man who treats you like this?  Do you have low self-esteem?

It would seem that I do unfortunately 

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, Aussiegirl94 said:

we have broken up 

You did the right thing. Don't doubt it for one moment! breakups are hard but you will be fine! There are a lot of good guys out there that will treat you right!

[5x5]

You are worthwhile, you do matter, you are special, you are not wrong to take care of yourself.

[Watercolors]

7 hours ago, Aussiegirl94 said:

we have broken up 

That is for the best. He really is not a good guy at all for you or your daughter, for obvious reasons.

7 hours ago, Aussiegirl94 said:

It would seem that I do unfortunately 

It's ok. That is something you can improve through one-on-one therapy sessions with a good cognitive behavioral therapist. Once you raise your self-esteem, you'll see the red flags and warning signs from guys whom you meet, a lot faster, and will avoid getting yourself involved with the wrong types of guys. You are worthwhile and you deserve to be with a man who is secure with himself, who values and respects you (past, and all). Everyone has a dating past. It's not something to hold over your head, like your recent ex has done, due to his own insecurity, jealousy, and paranoia. Be glad he's gone. He was a terrible person to you and is not a safe person for your daughter to be around either.

[snowboy91]

21 hours ago, FMW said:

 Unless you dated/slept with a ridiculously large number of men, there is no reason you should feel like you have done something wrong

Are you implying that if OP has slept with a large number of men that it is somehow "wrong"?

10 hours ago, Aussiegirl94 said:

Update: we had a face to face conversation, he has heard a rumour that I used to be a hooker(totally untrue) he wouldn’t take my answer and was drilling me for over an hour. Asking me to just admit it so he can have a clear coincidence that he is making the right choice to end the relationship.

You have got to be kidding me... if he'd made up his mind about the relationship, why the need to drill you (and not in a good way!) for an entire hour? If he had any bit of self confidence he wouldn't care what others thought and would take your relationship as is. You'll be glad to be rid of him.

[FMW]

32 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

Are you implying that if OP has slept with a large number of men that it is somehow "wrong"?

No, and i debated about putting it that way.  What I was getting at is that if her boyfriend was running into her ex lovers on a daily basis (because she had been with most of the men in their area), then I can see her seeing it as her past coming back to bite her.  Doesn't mean it would have been "wrong", but those actions would have consequences whether it's fair or not.    

[Aussiegirl94]

9 hours ago, 5x5 said:

You are worthwhile, you do matter, you are special, you are not wrong to take care of yourself.

Thank you