Himz Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) Just need some advice 😐 so I’ve been with my partner for 3 years he has a child which I have tried my best to accept but finding it really difficult. Mainly because I don’t have my own and he has his child a lot no set days just when he wants which is fine and what he should be doing but it does affect our relationship. He always includes me etc but the other issue I have is we’ve constantly argued for I’d say the past year and he has commitment issues he has just bought his own house (which he deserves as he’s been saving for years plus I’ve not contributed) I’m now in a position where I’m feeling more that I want out to focus on myself and my own needs but I’m struggling to express this to him I did try and end the relationship a few weeks ago as I am at a stage where I want more marriage, children. He’s been super vague for 3 years about this hasn’t said he doesn’t want it but also not being active about doing it so it’s extremely confusing. He said he doesn’t want it to end and when I put my foot down he then said I do want marriage and children as I know how much u want it. Just let’s get settled in the house and we’ll talk about it then. But I’m now thinking I don’t want someone who has to think about me I want him to be 100 in and I feel he’ll only commit more to make me happy so I have pulled way back even stopped seeing him and ashamed to say made excuses not too which is awful but I feel so alone. so it’s my fault too if I wanted too I can move in and try and make a go off it but I feel too much damage had been done. I currently see him once a week he lives half hour away and I don’t drive plus my place of work is 10 mins away from me so it’s easier to live where I am but Iust feels we’re completely stalling. feels like we are friends. Just awfu who love each other Please nice advice only. 😌 Edited May 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator clarified title/merge with new thread Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Marriage & romance are lovely wonderful concepts but they should not be entered into lightly without thought. His desire to figure out if you two can make it by living together 1st before you get engaged is not unreasonable. He does have other responsibilities to his child. When you say you don't have your own child, does that mean you have never been a parent or that you lost custody & are being kept from your child? Either way before you move forward with your BF you need to make sure you are able to fully embrace the role of parent figure to his bio child who will be your step child through marriage. If you won't love that kid with your whole heart, walk away. Don't punish the kid. You do need to figure out how you would get to work from his house moving forward. Perhaps it's time to learn to drive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 It doesn't sound like you have the same priorities or goals in life. After three years he should know whether or not he sees marriage and children with you and it's unlikely he'll change his mind at this point. His child is a large and important part of his life, and if after three years you can't accept him/her, you shouldn't be contemplating increasing your level of commitment either. You're already avoiding seeing him, you feel alone and unhappy. It sounds like ending the relationship and finding someone with whom you are a better match is the likely answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Himz Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 Need some advice really. Me and my partner have been together 3.5 years and I’m at the stage where I would like more commitment. My partner is very closed off from talking about anything so it’s difficult. He tells me he wants children but isn’t as interested in marriage. I’ve asked when the children can happen and he said he doesn’t know. It’s very vague and every time I bring up the future he clams up. I’ve tried to just enjoy what we have but deep down I don’t think he sees me as the one. On top of this I have had issues with alcohol where I have damaged the relationship which he can’t forget. I’m now 6 months sober but it’s like it’s got worse. he has just moved into his own house the plan was I move in however we argue so much I’m there once a week if that. We are so on and off so I suggested we put all this behind us I move in and we start building the damage back and he said let’s just see how it goes first then we’ll talk about moving in. So I have backed off and told him I need to focus on myself. I feel I’ve tried to make it good. He also has a child which I adore but there’s no routine whatsoever with him so he has him a lot which is good but as I don’t live there it leaves no time for us to build back what we have. All I seem to be doing is causing him more stress so I think it’s just best I remove myself from his life and if it’s meant to be in time we’ll get back together. Thoughts??! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 Do it his way for a little while longer. Congrats on being 6 months sober. If you are doing that alone, try going to AA. When you get to step 8 you should be better prepared to make amends for whatever damage you caused to the relationship through your drinking & that should help repair things. Link to post Share on other sites
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