Boyfriend hasn't said I love you yet

[amygirl908]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, she had other men to tell her that they love her, and she says this guy has treated her better than all of them.  Obviously there isn't an absolute correlation between saying it and backing it up with action.

I never said that. I never even said he has to love her. He just needs to be real with her and answer the question. OP even said earlier she doesn't care what the answer is she just wants to know.

[Gaeta]

51 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 Oh, and the OP says it's the best relationship she's ever had.  

I would keep a bit of reservation concerning her statement.

OP indicated she was in abusive and disrespectful relationships before (I've been there so I kind of have an insight) so when you've been mistreated in past relationships anyone treating you with a bit of kindness would appear like a prince charming. If we look at the facts: 

A. He's stonewalling her concerning his feelings

B. He has not escalated the relationship to more than 2 dates a week in 15 months

C. Room-mates hates sleep overs so they happen rarely but boyfriend doesn't fix that for them

So all this put together she STILL thinks this is the best relationship she'd had. I believe her, I believe she has never known better and what appears to be a mediocre  relationship to me is the best she's known. 

Edited February 5, 2021 by Gaeta

[introverted1]

On 1/30/2021 at 7:33 PM, Glam said:

My boyfriend (27) and I (24)

 

39 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Women in generally are far more adept at expressing feelings than men.  I for one have never been one to spontaneously say it, but at the age of 41 I do know now that women do need to hear it from time to time.  But that's just it, I'm 41, this guy is 24.  People need to give him a break.

He's 27.  He told OP that his previous gf was "the love of his life."  The lack of ILY with OP seems directly related to his r/s with OP.

[dramafreezone]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would keep a bit of reservation concerning her statement.

OP indicated she was in abusive and disrespectful relationships before (I've been there so I kind of have an insight) so when you've been mistreated in past relationships anyone treating you with a bit of kindness would appear like a prince charming. If we look at the facts: 

A. He's stonewalling her concerning his feelings

B. He has not escalated the relationship to more than 2 dates a week in 15 months

C. Room-mates hates sleep overs so they happen rarely but boyfriend doesn't fix that for them

So all this put together she STILL thinks this is the best relationship she'd had. I believe her, I believe she has never known better and what appears to be a mediocre  relationship to me is the best she's known. 

Ok, I'm assuming that this current BF is a lost cause.  All of that would suggest to me that she has a fair bit of self-reflection and repair to do on herself.  Maybe she'd be best without any relationship at all until she can get a better handle on why she's choosing men who are emotionally unavailable, dishonest or abusive.  Trying to wish these men into something they're not is a fruitless endeavor.

There are plenty of men that will shower her with as much verbal and physical affection as she can take and would never abuse her.  Why is she deliberately avoiding those men and choosing these men?  Women are the ones that do the choosing ultimately.  If you run into one bad man, that's just bad luck.  If it's multiple one right after the other, that's a pattern.

Edited February 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[peach302]

Maybe he still isn't  over the ex and still loves her. Just another possibility 

[amygirl908]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He's stonewalling her concerning his feelings

This is the only thing that really bothers me about this whole scenario. This is not something that resides in a healthy functioning relationship. It's an abusive and harmful habit. It don't matter who loves who this kind of behavior isn't ok and it not indicative of showing love through actions.

[dramafreezone]

4 minutes ago, amygirl908 said:

This is the only thing that really bothers me about this whole scenario. This is not something that resides in a healthy functioning relationship. It's an abusive and harmful habit. It don't matter who loves who this kind of behavior isn't ok and it not indicative of showing love through actions.

Maybe he is just this cold curmudgeon but I'm keeping in mind that we're only getting one side of the story here.   Difficult for me to reconcile how he's being portrayed on here with the fact that she's been with him this long.  When we get one side the bad qualities are typically magnified and the good qualities minimized.

On the other hand, it's entirely possible that this is a very accurate account of who he is, which would suggest that this guy shouldn't have been considered as serious partner material.  I do know the allure of inertia in a relationship, but the OP has thought that this is what she deserves, which may be a self-esteem issue.  Until that is fixed, these guys she's with will have some glaring issue that she overlooks initially and then tries to change later.  You have to assume guys are more or less a finished product when you meet them.  We can change on the margins, we can learn to pick up underwear off the bathroom floor or leave the toilet seat down, but that's about it.

[peach302]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Maybe he is just this cold curmudgeon but I'm keeping in mind that we're only getting one side of the story here.   Difficult for me to reconcile how he's being portrayed on here with the fact that she's been with him this long.  When we get one side the bad qualities are typically magnified and the good qualities minimized.

On the other hand, it's entirely possible that this is a very accurate account of who he is, which would suggest that this guy shouldn't have been considered as serious partner material.  I do know the allure of inertia in a relationship, but the OP has thought that this is what she deserves, which may be a self-esteem issue.  Until that is fixed, these guys she's with will have some glaring issue that she overlooks initially and then tries to change later.  You have to assume guys are more or less a finished product when you meet them.  We can change on the margins, we can learn to pick up underwear off the bathroom floor or leave the toilet seat down, but that's about it.

She's overlooking things because thats what women do when they're  in love..or have very strong feelings.

With the dynamic  they have though i can't see them going the distance 

Edited February 5, 2021 by peach302

[dramafreezone]

18 minutes ago, peach302 said:

She's overlooking things because thats what women do when they're  in love..or have very strong feelings.

With the dynamic  they have though i can't see them going the distance 

Being in love is great, and it's necessary for a loving relationship.  That said, how quickly you fall in love matters.

I'm really into these reality shows like Married at First Sight.  What I've noticed is that frequently the marriages that have an intense initial attraction burn out quickly, because these people overlook whatever glaring flaws are apparent because the feeling of being in love clouds judgment. 

On the other hand, women that have no instant attraction to the guy tend to slowly develop feelings over time as they're in this intense pressure cooker where they're around this guy 24/7.  Essentially they're able to condense what would be nearly a year of dating into 6 weeks, which would never happen with someone that you don't have an initial attraction to.

Not saying that you''re guaranteed to mesh well with someone that you don't have a strong intial attraction to but red flags will be seen early on and not several months down the road.

OP may need a pattern interrupt.  Maybe don't go for what you think "your type" is.  Some people just aren't good pickers when they go with what they find instantly attractive.   I have a belief that anyone is a potential parter on a long enough timeline, it just depends on your options and if you're mindful and patient enough to allow attachment to build.

Edited February 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[peach302]

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Being in love is great, and it's necessary for a loving relationship.  That said, how quickly you fall in love matters.

I'm really into these reality shows like Married at First Sight.  What I've noticed is that frequently the marriages that have an intense initial attraction burn out quickly, because these people overlook whatever glaring flaws are apparent because the feeling of being in love clouds judgment. 

On the other hand, women that have no instant attraction to the guy tend to slowly develop feelings over time as they're in this intense pressure cooker where they're around this guy 24/7.  they've been matched with based on complimentary qualities.   Essentially they're able to condense what would be nearly a year of dating into 6 weeks, which would never happen with someone that you don't have an initial attraction to.

Not saying that you''re guaranteed to mesh well with someone that you don't have a strong intial attraction to but red flags will be seen early on and not several months down the road.

OP may need a pattern interrupt.  Maybe don't go for what you think "your type" is.  Some people just aren't good pickers when they go with what they find instantly attractive.   I have a belief that anyone is a potential parter on a long enough timeline, it just depends on your options and if you're mindful and patient enough to allow attachment to build.

Im watching the Australian mafs currently .

It depends. What you said isn't always  the case. But generally yes. 

You need attraction though. The couple's who are not attracted to one another initially  don't necessarily last either.  

Im not sure about the ops picker overall. Maybe she does need to tune it somehow. She needs someone who is emotionally available AND who she finds attractive. 

I have no idea whether her partner has some issues with regards to emotions or if he's just not feeling it...but the fact he admitted his ex was the love of his life is quite relevant. With regards to the OP ..He's allergic to the word love and looks the other way. 

[dramafreezone]

13 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Im watching the Australian mafs currently .

It depends. What you said isn't always  the case. But generally yes. 

You need attraction though. The couple's who are not attracted to one another initially  don't necessarily last either.  

Im not sure about the ops picker overall. Maybe she does need to tune it somehow. She needs someone who is emotionally available AND who she finds attractive. 

I have no idea whether her partner has some issues with regards to emotions or if he's just not feeling it...but the fact he admitted his ex was the love of his life is quite relevant. With regards to the OP ..He's allergic to the word love and looks the other way. 

Men are much more visual.  I know women do value looks, but you all need a lot more than that.  In that respect men that have those other qualities can make up if we're not extremely attractive to her.  As long as we take care of ourselves and aren't insecure about it we have a shot.

I think maybe find someone that takes care of themselves and has the internal qualities that she values.   I do think attraction can grow if the guy does the best with what he has and all of the other qualities are in place, but the woman usually has more options.  I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that generally the man is more physically attracted to the women when they begin dating.  She has to be the one to get out of her own way by not letting initial attraction guide her, give it a good chance and trust that it will come because this guy is otherwise an ideal fit for her.  I don't pretend that this is easy but I do think it can happen for most women if that's what they focus on. 

Attraction is in us because of conditions that occured millions of years ago, so the way we judge a potential mate on an instinctive level has not caught up to today's reality.  Women don't need a guy to kill a sabertooth tiger or a bear with his bare hands anymore, so those broad shoulders and height are not really as practical today as they were in the stone ages.

Edited February 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[peach302]

22 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Men are much more visual.  I know women do value looks, but you all need a lot more than that.  In that respect men that have those other qualities can make up if we're not extremely attractive to her.  As long as we take care of ourselves and aren't insecure about it we have a shot.

I think maybe find someone that takes care of themselves and has the internal qualities that she values.   I do think attraction can grow if the guy does the best with what he has and all of the other qualities are in place, but the woman usually has more options.  I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that generally the man is more physically attracted to the women when they begin dating.  She has to be the one to get out of her own way by not letting initial attraction guide her, give it a good chance and trust that it will come because this guy is otherwise an ideal fit for her.  I don't pretend that this is easy but I do think it can happen for most women if that's what they focus on. 

Attraction is in us because of conditions that occured millions of years ago, so the way we judge a potential mate on an instinctive level has not caught up to today's reality.  Women don't need a guy to kill a sabertooth tiger or a bear with his bare hands anymore, so those broad shoulders and height are not really as practical today as they were in the stone ages.

I've tried that myself a couple of times. Going for someone i have zero physical attraction  to but they have other really good qualities. And i dont really see myself as particularly  superficial or anything .

But it just didnt work. In the end i had to let them go as i wasn't attracted and it didnt change as time went by. 

[dramafreezone]

Well I didn't say zero physical attraction.  I think I said no *instant attraction*.  There's a huge difference in my mind between minimal and zero attraction.  If you take a look at the guy and say, eh I guess, then that's enough.

Edited February 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

she had other men to tell her that they love her, and she says this guy has treated her better than all of them

It's not a particularly high bar.

[peach302]

44 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well I didn't say zero physical attraction.  I think I said no *instant attraction*.  There's a huge difference in my mind between minimal and zero attraction.  If you take a look at the guy and say, eh I guess, then that's enough.

Its more or less the same though. 

Because its suggesting there is no attraction  initially. Your theory is it can grow. But im saying sometimes it just doesnt.

 

Edited February 5, 2021 by peach302

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, peach302 said:

Its more or less the same though. 

Because its suggesting there is no attraction  initially. Your theory is it can grow. But im saying sometimes it just doesnt.

 

Well I would say that if it doesn't grow then it's probably because those other qualities just weren't strong enough to make up the difference.  But you went out with him because you felt that his looks were at least minimally acceptable.  If they weren't, you wouldn't have gone out with him. 

If he were a 10 everywhere else, your attraction would've grown.  He wasn't that good everywhere else, so it didn't.

[Gaeta]

OP has not stopped by since Wednesday so I think she made up her mind to wait longer.

[peach302]

55 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well I would say that if it doesn't grow then it's probably because those other qualities just weren't strong enough to make up the difference.  But you went out with him because you felt that his looks were at least minimally acceptable.  If they weren't, you wouldn't have gone out with him. 

If he were a 10 everywhere else, your attraction would've grown.  He wasn't that good everywhere else, so it didn't.

Thats not true. 

I got on with those people like a house on fire.

If theres no physical attraction..i realised there was no point. It didnt matter in the end how good the other qualities were is what im saying. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by peach302

[dramafreezone]

10 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Thats not true. 

I got on with those people like a house on fire.

If theres no physical attraction..i realised there was no point. 

Well, ok you probably place a higher value on physical attraction than some women that don't care as much.  That's fine.  Every woman's criteria varies.

I mean I've attracted women that I've thought were "out of my league" as far as looks go, who could certainly get men who were taller, had nicer facial features.  One woman in particular didn't warm up to me for 2 years, and I didn't even know she liked me until she asked me out.  Obviously if I'd only known her for 3 months I would've had no shot. And not saying I'm ugly but I'm aware of where I am on the looks scale and I'd seen the men she'd gone out with before me. So I know firsthand that it can happen.  That particular woman gave me a lot of confidence going forward.

Edited February 6, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

If it's important to you, it's important. Not "just words". 

Stranger still is you've been open about your feelings and he's being cold.

Don't do anything for him on Valentine's day. And do not tell him you love him. 

It's not a fan club for him where everyone just loves him, but he just laps it up.

At 1.5 years, he surely knows he doesn't have to keep withholding affection to be mr. cool.

He's getting what he wants. Physical and verbal affection and clear communication on where you stand. But are you?

[smackie9]

On 2/5/2021 at 10:23 AM, introverted1 said:

 

He's 27.  He told OP that his previous gf was "the love of his life."  The lack of ILY with OP seems directly related to his r/s with OP.

That goes to show you there is a ghost of relationship's past still in the room. So it's not the two of them, it's three. Three's a crowd.

[Glam]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

That goes to show you there is a ghost of relationship's past still in the room. So it's not the two of them, it's three. Three's a crowd.

Honestly I’m not worried about his ex or that he still loves her. They’ve both moved on and she is with another guy too. It was his first long term relationship so his first love, I don’t consider her the love of his life nor does he. He has never said that. Clearly she’s not because they aren’t still together or married. His ex isn’t the problem here. 

[peach302]

4 minutes ago, Glam said:

Honestly I’m not worried about his ex or that he still loves her. They’ve both moved on and she is with another guy too. It was his first long term relationship so his first love, I don’t consider her the love of his life nor does he. He has never said that. Clearly she’s not because they aren’t still together or married. His ex isn’t the problem here. 

So what if they aren't together. Some people plain and simply don't get over their exes. It takes two people to want to be in the  relationship, for it to survive...if one decides no..then it doesn't happen. Does not mean the love dissipates.

Anyway the point is..he hasn't said anything about any feelings of love he has towards you. He altogether dismisses it. 

That is not a good sign. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by peach302

[Glam]

12 minutes ago, peach302 said:

So what if they aren't together. Some people plain and simply don't get over their exes. It takes two people to want to be in a relationship...if one decides no..then it doesn't happen. Does not mean the love dissipates.

Anyway the point is..he hasn't said anything about any feelings of love he has towards you. He altogether dismisses it. 

That is not a good sign. 

Yes I have asked him again about it and he said he finds it awkward and when he is comfortable he will say it. “It” meaning saying I love you. So that’s basically a no which I knew anyway. But it’s good to know for sure now..  I didn’t ask him if he loves me or not I just asked why does he find it hard talking about feelings.. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Glam

[Gaeta]

@Glam: I am sorry it's disappointing. What is your plan from here?