Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 3 hours ago, Glam said: I don’t want to be the only one in the relationship to love. I want him to love me too. I’m only asking him to confirm once if he does love me or not yet. Absolutely. Don't put 100% in for someone who's coasting along and won't even give you the dignity of a straight up answer. No, don't dig deeper into his whatever issues. That's for his psychiatrist to figure out not a gf. All you need is straight answers to honest questions. If he's hemming and hawing, he's wasting time. 2
peach302 Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 35 minutes ago, Glam said: Makes me wonder is it something I’m doing wrong that he can’t or hasn’t fallen in love with me yet. We’ve had a couple of arguments, nothing big but our relationship is really good , we’re very similar in other ways, we’re both really physically affectionate with each other, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong lol You haven't done anything wrong. At the same time you cant make someone feel the same way towards you as you do them. Who knows maybe he is coasting ..but if he isnt and he does "love" you but for whatever reason cant reassure you or tell you..then its up to you if you want to carry on dealing with that Edited January 31, 2021 by peach302 2
Happy Lemming Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Petty and insignificant to you, perhaps. Surely you realize not everyone feels the way you do, OP included. Let's not be condescending. Talk is cheap... anyone can say what you want to hear. At least this guy is honest and seems like a good guy (for the most part). 2
Acacia98 Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) Glam, If I were you, I'd try to talk to him about this again. You're not doing well if you're actually blaming yourself for the fact that he hasn't said "I love you." Sounds to me like this situation is having an increasingly negative emotional impact on you. I get the impression that if you decide to stay and adopt a "wait and see" attitude, the blade will only cut deeper. The longer you stay under such circumstances, the angrier you will be with him and with yourself. Look, if this guy cares about you, he will be anguished to realize you are experiencing pain and self-doubt and that this is somehow connected to his inability to talk about "emotional stuff" with you. So give him a chance to realize just how much this matters to you. Talk to him honestly and openly about everything you've said here. If he continues to adopt the same attitude toward the subject, then you're just gonna have to accept that this is who he is and have a honest conversation with yourself about the need to end things. But give him a chance to make things right first. Edited February 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed debate 2
BC1980 Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 19 hours ago, Glam said: Hmm that makes sense, I just don’t understand why he’s still with me. It was his idea to even have a relationship with me, he wanted it way before I did. There are a lot of benefits to a relationship that don't require a person being in love or wanting a long term future- sex, companionship, stability, ect. I think he's uncomfortable talking about his feelings with you because he probably doesn't love you. I can't tell you 100% if he loves you or not, but I'd be surprised if he feels that way. That is a hard truth to hear, but it's better to accept it than continue dodging it. If it were me, I'd ask him if he loves me, and, if he can't say it, I'd end the relationship. 15 months is long enough to spin your wheels on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. 4
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 20 hours ago, Glam said: . I just thought most people wouldn’t spend this long with someone they didn’t love. He’s such a good boyfriend otherwise. He is treading water. My guess he got badly burned by his first love and does not want to be vulnerable again. Not yet anyway. I do not think he is in love with the OP so he is going through the motions. He is getting his needs met, but is not promising anything as he is in no position to promise anything. He is not in love so prefers to keep it all low key. He is getting away with it, the OP is not pressurising him, and he likely has no other hot option in the pipeline so he is merely filling in time with Miss Rightnow. He knows this has no future, it is going nowhere, it is fine as long as it lasts, so he is keeping schtum. 5
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 Seems to me many women find emotionally unavailable men hard to live with long term. Even if you do manage to prise some feeling out of him, it is no guarantee that he will suddenly become a person who wants to be open and share feelings. He may always be closed off and that for many women becomes increasingly unacceptable as women thrive on emotion. Take emotional intimacy away and they tend to become lonely and die inside. 5
peach302 Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Glam said: Makes me wonder is it something I’m doing wrong that he can’t or hasn’t fallen in love with me yet. We’ve had a couple of arguments, nothing big but our relationship is really good , we’re very similar in other ways, we’re both really physically affectionate with each other, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong lol Its almost always an issue when the female has already fallen in love and the male isn't quite there yet. In other words you're waiting for him to catch up with your feelings. How often that leads to a happy ending...its uncertain. At this point in time i would ask him straight up. Enough time has passed and its not exactly doing wonders for your self esteem. If he cares about you at all..he will be honest and if not..well you got your answer. Edited January 31, 2021 by peach302 4
sushiandtacos Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) This actually happened to a friend of mine a few months ago. Albeit their relationship was only 6 months in, she expressed that she loved him after dating for 3 months. He said he wasn't quite there yet and she appreciated his honesty even tho it was quite sucky for her. Then 3 months later, he realized he was not on the same page as her and they decided to break up. What's different here compared to your situation is that her ex decided to express his feelings( or lack thereof) and communicate because he felt it was in her best interest to find someone who felt the same. I don't know exactly the OP's situation here but it would be quite sh**ty of your SO to string you along knowing he does not feel the same way you do about him. Edited February 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 3
dramafreezone Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 OP, I would say don't be swayed to end things based on what people on here say. If the guy's nosehairs are too long people on here want you to break up with him. You've been with the guy for this long for a reason. I guess you have to define what love is to you. Is it the words? Is it the actions? I know you said if he said it once that would be good enough but that seems hard to believe. You really think 5 years down the line when you have doubts again you'll say "in 2021 he did tell me he loved me so that's good enough?" It sounds more than you want a regular schedule of this verbal communication of his love, something that's just not in his nature. 1 1
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 It's not only he can't say ILY, he cannot express ANY care. She said he doesn't tell her he misses her, he doesn't tell her he's glad she's in his life, that she's special. NOTHING. NO woman should give up on being told she's wanted, special, loved. I would not give that up for 2 dates a week! 2
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Posted January 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: It's not only he can't say ILY, he cannot express ANY care. She said he doesn't tell her he misses her, he doesn't tell her he's glad she's in his life, that she's special. NOTHING. NO woman should give up on being told she's wanted, special, loved. I would not give that up for 2 dates a week! He doesn’t say things yes, he rarely says he misses me, although he has a few times just not as much as me lol but his actions definitely show he cares. He gets me thoughtful gifts, would literally do anything i needed no hesitation and he is very physically affectionate. It’s just words he doesn’t do, but all aspects are perfect otherwise 2
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 Just now, Glam said: he is very physically affectionate. Like? I have no doubt he cares but it's not the same as being in love. If he said to you he cares for you very much but he's not in love. I am sure 'caring' wouldn't be enough for you to invest more. 1
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Posted January 31, 2021 10 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: OP, I would say don't be swayed to end things based on what people on here say. If the guy's nosehairs are too long people on here want you to break up with him. You've been with the guy for this long for a reason. I guess you have to define what love is to you. Is it the words? Is it the actions? I know you said if he said it once that would be good enough but that seems hard to believe. You really think 5 years down the line when you have doubts again you'll say "in 2021 he did tell me he loved me so that's good enough?" It sounds more than you want a regular schedule of this verbal communication of his love, something that's just not in his nature. What reason do you think I’ve been with this guy this long? I mean he obviously likes me but most posts here suggest he’s coasting. But nonetheless I’m going to think very hard about this situation 1
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Posted January 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Like? I have no doubt he cares but it's not the same as being in love. If he said to you he cares for you very much but he's not in love. I am sure 'caring' wouldn't be enough for you to invest more. Cuddling, holding hands, that sort of stuff, non sexual things. No ideally I want him to love me back as would most people in a relationship lol 1
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Posted January 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Glam: How were you previous relationships? My previous relationships they all said they loved me but weren’t good with actions and didn’t treat me very well. Which is why I’m finding this difficult because I’m literally in the opposite situation. 1
poppyfields Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) Glam, bottom line question - do you feel loved? I'm confused by your posts! On one hand, you say he's "perfect", everything is perfect, he treats you special etc but on the other hand, you say you are unhappy and question whether or not he loves you. I am utterly confused! Edited January 31, 2021 by poppyfields 3
CollinW Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 I think your concerns are valid. But I did find something quite interesting. You acknowledged your love language is words of affirmation, but then also acknowledged you don't know what the hell his love language is. Which is kinda funny. Because while you're here assessing how and why you're need aren’t being met, you're also acknowledging you don't know or seem to care if you're meeting his needs. Which may be in fact why he's not there yet. 3
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) This is the happiest I’ve been in a relationship apart from this issue. I have had boyfriends that say they love me but didn’t treat me well. So this is the better situation to be in but also not ideal lol Edited February 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
poppyfields Posted January 31, 2021 Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Glam said: My previous relationships they all said they loved me but weren’t good with actions and didn’t treat me very well. Which is why I’m finding this difficult because I’m literally in the opposite situation. So what does that tell you? That the words mean jack shyt in the grand scheme. Clearly, those men did not love you. Men can say the words until hell freezes over, if they treat you like garbage, what's the point? Nevermind the damn words, if your boyfriend's actions make you feel loved, which you now say they do, then judge by that. DF may have been correct after all... Gotta run, best of luck.. Edited February 1, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 9 minutes ago, Glam said: And this is the happiest I’ve been in a relationship apart from this issue. So I had unsatisfying relationships before and one day I met this man that loved me like I had never been loved before. I said 10s of time here it's the best relationship I have ever been in. So because I felt loved like I had never been before I closed my eyes on a couple of red flags, just like you're doing right now. Turns out my amazing bf had a double life. Your amazing bf may turn out to be emotionally unavailable. Do not ignore red flags, address them. 2
dramafreezone Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 (edited) I'm not a man that readily says I love you to anyone I date, even in my weak days where I put women on pedestals. In my mind I always felt that my actions are more important than my worlds. Similarly I didn't give a lot of compliments. That's not because I don't feel it, it's just that that type of communication is extremely awkward for me. At the age of 41 I now know that women and men just think about things differently. and I know how important words are to women, but I'm still not crazy about saying them frequently. I'm better than I used to be though. I guess the point is that men can improve on their weaknesses in communication, but I don't think this guy will ever be very effusive in verbal communication of affection. What would get me to open up would be if she focused on my issue, was sensitive to it and accepted it. That would actually make me want to say it more because that approach is from a place of giving. You gave your care and attention to my issue, so I want to in turn give my affection. Demanding an "I love you" out of someone is from a place of taking. Edited February 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4
Happy Lemming Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Glam said: I have had boyfriends that say they love me but didn’t treat me well. "Actions speak louder than words" - Melancholy State of Province - 1736 3
Ami1uwant Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Glam said: And this is the happiest I’ve been in a relationship apart from this issue. I have had boyfriends that say they love me but didn’t treat me well. So this is the better situation to be in but also not ideal lol I don’t know him. I don’t know how HE feels. you need to sit down and talk to him and you need to be direct on what you want in this and ask him what he wants. if he can’t open up and tell you how he feels then there is only one choice 1
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