Boyfriend hasn't said I love you yet

[sushiandtacos]

4 minutes ago, Glam said:

It’s so bizarre I really don’t understand why he refuses to let me know any answer. What the hell! 

OP then shouldn't this be a red flag? If he refuses to express his feelings for you especially when you ask him too or actually god forbid communicate in a relationship then doesn't this scream sketch to you? 

[Glam]

4 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

OP then shouldn't this be a red flag? If he refuses to express his feelings for you especially when you ask him too or actually god forbid communicate in a relationship then doesn't this scream sketch to you? 

It definitely does. I’m really worried about what the problem is here. Strangest thing ever 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Glam said:

I’m not sure, they had been broken up for a year when I met him. He’s never mentioned her apart from that time. He did say he didn’t like talking about feelings in all his relationships not just with me. So I’m not sure if he is just telling me that or if he is really like that lol 

 

him not talking about this relationship is a big flag.

 

I think part of the problrm us if he opens up and he shares his feeling you will run because it seems he hasn’t moved past her.

 

some don’t say I love you but there are other things they do that says this.

[ExpatInItaly]

He flat-out refuses to even say "yes" or "no" when you ask him if he loves you (This means it's a "no.")

But he's fine to coast along anyway. You clearly want and need more out of partner. (understandably - most would not be okay with this weird dynamic) 

So now you have to ask yourself if you can deal with this long-term. Because it's likely not going to change much. He's emotionally closed-off on an important level. That works for him. He still gets to enjoy all the benefits of a relationship anyway.  It doesn't work for you.

So, what are you going to do in light of this significant incompatibility?

[Fletch Lives]

Some guys almost never say "I love you". Whatsamater, you no lika Squint Eastwood?!

Woman says, "I love you" Translation: "now you say it"

[josedelamuerte]

6 hours ago, Glam said:

That’s the thing, I’m happy in the relationship apart from this issue. It’s frustrating cause he’s the only one I want to be with and I want him to love me and say it , just once!! He’s treated me so well, it sucks

 

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

At 15 months you should be able to tell him exactly that. Meanwhile you have to decide if you can live with someone that never says ILY

 

6 hours ago, Glam said:

It’s frustrating because he’s literally done so much for me, he definitely shows he cares. 

 

5 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

some don’t say I love you but there are other things they do that says this.

 

25 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Some guys almost never say "I love you". Whatsamater, you no lika Squint Eastwood?!

Woman says, "I love you" Translation: "now you say it"

Sounds to me like, the occasional natural doubt aside, you do feel loved in the relationship. Maybe he prefers to show his love without speaking it. If someone would pester me into saying those words I'd think they're just stirring up drama, which is quite off-putting.

[littleblackheart]

9 hours ago, Glam said:

This is pretty much the best relationship I’ve ever had. He’s kind, very physically affectionate, texts me everyday. We’ve literally texted everyday bar like a few days here and there for the whole relationship. I have met his friends and family, I get along with all of them. He’s met my family , they all like him. Everything is good. 

Sounds like a dream relationship.

I wouldn't jeopardise this for the sake of 3 words everyone can say so easily at the drop of a hat. He's say it when he's ready and fully means it. That's what I would do too, and I'm a woman.

He sounds like a keeper .

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Glam said:

. He said at that time he’s not there just yet and it takes him longer to fall in love.  he doesn’t like to talk about feelings, he finds it uncomfortable. 

Sorry this is happening. He seems emotionally constipated, like a cold fish.

Stop overinvesting. Do nothing and say nothing for Valentine's day. Don't make excuses for him or interpret "signs".

See if he steps up so you can decide whether you want to cut your losses. Right now he's just coasting along enjoying sex. But not giving you what you want.

Why have sex with someone who doesn't love you after over a year?

Edited January 31, 2021 by Wiseman2

[dramafreezone]

16 hours ago, Glam said:

My boyfriend (27) and I (24) have been officially in a relationship for 15 months. This is pretty much the best relationship I’ve ever had. He’s kind, very physically affectionate, texts me everyday. We’ve literally texted everyday bar like a few days here and there for the whole relationship. I have met his friends and family, I get along with all of them. He’s met my family , they all like him. Everything is good. 
 

I’m very much in love with him. I told him this at 6 months of us being together. I just could not hold it in any longer I wanted him to know. He said at that time he’s not there just yet and it takes him longer to fall in love. So now, at 15 months,  he still hasn’t said it. I also haven’t brought it again because I don’t want to pressure.
 

I did ask him about his feelings for me and he replied with he doesn’t like to talk about feelings, he finds it uncomfortable. So I still don’t know how he feels about me and it’s making me a tad insecure.

I’m worried he doesn’t love me or will never if he hasn’t said it by now. I’m also worried he doesn’t have any feelings for me cause he never expresses anything but then stop myself because why would someone spend 15 months with a person they had no feelings for ? This is the first time I’m with a guy that has waited this long. He’s not emotional at all or romantic, but really physically affectionate. I’m quite emotional. I’m planning on saying I love him again, possibly on Valentine’s Day but I’m worried he won’t reply to it. I have a feeling he will acknowledge it but not say he loves me back. 
 

Help! Is this normal ? A bad sign? Any advice on what I should do would be appreciated. I don’t want to break up with him I’m crazy about him. 

I think it's appropriate to dig deeper into what's his block from "loving you."  Maybe he does feel it but is reluctant to say it for some reason.  But essentially him not uttering that phrase is the only thing wrong?  I would certainly not consider breaking up over this.  I also think pressuring him by directly questioning this subject is the exact wrong thing to do.  Just gain more information about his past relationships, look for root causes.  It may have nothing to do with you.

[Happy Lemming]

8 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Some guys almost never say "I love you".

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years... She has never said "I love you" to me and I've never said it to her.

I guess it isn't necessary (for us) to hear it or say it. 

[Glam]

33 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I think it's appropriate to dig deeper into what's his block from "loving you."  Maybe he does feel it but is reluctant to say it for some reason.  But essentially him not uttering that phrase is the only thing wrong?  I would certainly not consider breaking up over this.  I also think pressuring him by directly questioning this subject is the exact wrong thing to do.  Just gain more information about his past relationships, look for root causes.  It may have nothing to do with you.

I’m a direct person in general if I want to know something I just ask. I don’t see the point in not saying if something is bothering me.I have only asked him that once. He probably did feel pressured with that but I didn’t ask him to write me a whole paragraph it was literally a yes or no question 

[spiritedaway2003]

21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years... She has never said "I love you" to me and I've never said it to her.

I guess it isn't necessary (for us) to hear it or say it. 

Right, it works for both of you.  But it’s not for the OP as it’s already bothering her on some level.   If her love language is words of affirmation and he can’t share how he feels, it won’t bode well for the long term.  

Edited January 31, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[dramafreezone]

Just now, Glam said:

I’m a direct person in general if I want to know something I just ask. I don’t see the point in not saying if something is bothering me.I have only asked him that once. He probably did feel pressured with that but I didn’t ask him to write me a whole paragraph it was literally a yes or no question 

That's fine.  You asked and he gave you your answer, so that's that.

If you care about understanding him, I'm just saying there's a way to do that without making him feel defensive.  If he feels as though you're finding fault in him, he will get defensive as would many other men.  It's your relationship though.

[Glam]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

That's fine.  You asked and he gave you your answer, so that's that.

If you care about understanding him, I'm just saying there's a way to do that without making him feel defensive.  If he feels as though you're finding fault in him, he will get defensive as would many other men.  It's your relationship though.

Well no he wouldn’t give me an answer. I’m not sure how me asking him how he feels is finding fault in him. I literally said whatever way he feels is okay, I just wanted to know. I don’t think that’s unreasonable or should make him feel defensive. 

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, Glam said:

Well no he wouldn’t give me an answer. I’m not sure how me asking him how he feels is finding fault in him. I literally said whatever way he feels is okay, I just wanted to know. I don’t think that’s unreasonable or should make him feel defensive. 

You said he's amazing.  He's kind, physically affectionate, otherwise communicates readily, your family likes him.  Every indication of his behavior towards you is consistent with love.  What do you have doubt about?

[Glam]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

You said he's amazing.  He's kind, physically affectionate, otherwise communicates readily, your family likes him.  Every indication of his behavior towards you is consistent with love.  What do you have doubt about?

Because all of those things are great but it doesn’t mean he does love me. If he won’t say it, and refuses to answer the question that pretty much means he doesn’t. So I think that it a problem because I don’t want to be the only one in the relationship to love. I want him to love me too. I’m only asking him to confirm once if he does love me or not yet. I don’t want to hear it anymore than that. 

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, Glam said:

Because all of those things are great but it doesn’t mean he does love me. If he won’t say it, and refuses to answer the question that pretty much means he doesn’t. So I think that it a problem because I don’t want to be the only one in the relationship to love. I want him to love me too. I’m only asking him to confirm once if he does love me or not yet. I don’t want to hear it anymore than that. 

All of those things are more consistent with love than someone actually saying "I love you" without the actions that show it.   Plenty of women have boyfriends that say "I love you" all the time to them but treat them like crap.  They would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

[FMW]

Tell him since he said his ex girlfriend was his first love that indicates to you that he's capable of verbally expressing his feelings of love, and that the fact he won't tell you he loves you, to you, means he does not.  See what he says.  

 

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, Glam said:

I did ask him about his feelings for me and he replied with he doesn’t like to talk about feelings, he finds it uncomfortable. So I still don’t know how he feels about me.

Hi Glam, reading this^ my best guess would be he doesn't know how he feels.  No doubt he likes you, likes spending time, enjoys the security of being in a relationship.  He knows what's expected of him being in a relationship and acts accordingly.

But, many men (and some women) associate being in love with a sense of longing and given that you are always there and have what appears to be a very "polite" relationship, no tension, no friction, he sort of coasts along, going through the motions.  

BUT hasn't a clue how he truly feels.  Which is why he is uncomfortable talking about it!  I mean what's he gonna say?  He certainly isn't going to admit he doesnt know, so he avoids the discussion altogether.

I'm wondering what his previous relationship was like. If there was a certain distance, or tension that evoked a sense of longing for her.  Versus her being right there and accessible to him at all times (like you are) and him loving her. 

If me I would introduce some distance.  Take a vacay with your friends.  Or tell him you need a weekend alone, chill, do your own thing.  Don't tell him why, just do it.  If he asks, just tell him you need some lone time, to get back to yourself, do your own thing.  

Guy has become way too complacent imo and is taking you and your relationship for granted.  

Neither you nor the relationship inspires much of anything in him beyond what's expected.  He's not romantic, he is unemotional, meh, going through the motions.  NOT good. 

It needs some stirring up!  Are you familiar with Esther Perel on TED?  I suggest you watch her videos on YouTube.

Start with "The Secret to Maintaining Desire in a Long Term Relationship."  Keep him moving closer to you, emotionally.

Right now he appears to be stuck.  Doesn't know how he feels, can't move forward, going through the motions.

I could be wrong, just my take reading what's quoted above. 

That said, I was taught men express love through action. It's been true in all my long term relationships where my boyfriends have been madly in love with me.

Very rarely did I hear the words "I love you," and that was fine by me, I didn't need to hear, there was no question in my mind that they did.  None whatsoever. 

But given your boyfriend has never said it, even when asked, and stonewalls your attempts to discuss feelings at all, is not a good sign and lends credence to him not knowing quite what he feels or being in touch with his feelings, and simply going through the motions.

Until he finds a woman (not that he's looking) who does inspire the feelings in him you need him to feel and express with you..

 

Edited January 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[peach302]

19 hours ago, Glam said:

My boyfriend (27) and I (24) have been officially in a relationship for 15 months. This is pretty much the best relationship I’ve ever had. He’s kind, very physically affectionate, texts me everyday. We’ve literally texted everyday bar like a few days here and there for the whole relationship. I have met his friends and family, I get along with all of them. He’s met my family , they all like him. Everything is good. 
 

I’m very much in love with him. I told him this at 6 months of us being together. I just could not hold it in any longer I wanted him to know. He said at that time he’s not there just yet and it takes him longer to fall in love. So now, at 15 months,  he still hasn’t said it. I also haven’t brought it again because I don’t want to pressure.
 

I did ask him about his feelings for me and he replied with he doesn’t like to talk about feelings, he finds it uncomfortable. So I still don’t know how he feels about me and it’s making me a tad insecure.

I’m worried he doesn’t love me or will never if he hasn’t said it by now. I’m also worried he doesn’t have any feelings for me cause he never expresses anything but then stop myself because why would someone spend 15 months with a person they had no feelings for ? This is the first time I’m with a guy that has waited this long. He’s not emotional at all or romantic, but really physically affectionate. I’m quite emotional. I’m planning on saying I love him again, possibly on Valentine’s Day but I’m worried he won’t reply to it. I have a feeling he will acknowledge it but not say he loves me back. 
 

Help! Is this normal ? A bad sign? Any advice on what I should do would be appreciated. I don’t want to break up with him I’m crazy about him. 

He knows if he loves you by now. Whether its a yes or no.

You could test his reaction  on valentines day and let him know you love him again.

It should tell you what you need to know.

Some men find it hard to express themselves. But you've made him comfortable and secure enough for him to tell you back! 

 

 

 

Edited January 31, 2021 by peach302

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

She needs to get over it... It seems people are all to quick to throw away a good relationship over something petty and insignificant.

Petty and insignificant to you, perhaps.

Surely you realize not everyone feels the way you do, OP included. Let's not be condescending. 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

Sounds like a dream relationship.

I wouldn't jeopardise this for the sake of 3 words everyone can say so easily at the drop of a hat. He's say it when he's ready and fully means it. That's what I would do too, and I'm a woman.

He sounds like a keeper .

Some might see him as a good boyfriend but at 2 dates a week @ 15 months dating, and only random nights over he does minimum work as a bf. Texting every day isn't something that demands efforts or any type of compromise. His room-mates not liking her sleeping over is a lame excuse to not spend more time with her. 

[Glam]

43 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Glam, reading this^ my best guess would be he doesn't know how he feels.  No doubt he likes you, likes spending time, enjoys the security of being in a relationship.  He knows what's expected of him being in a relationship and acts accordingly.

But, many men (and some women) associate being in love with a sense of longing and given that you are always there and have what appears to be a very "polite" relationship, no tension, no friction, he sort of coasts along, going through the motions.  

BUT hasn't a clue how he truly feels.  Which is why he is uncomfortable talking about it!  I mean what's he gonna say?  He certainly isn't going to admit he doesnt know, so he avoids the discussion altogether.

I'm wondering what his previous relationship was like. If there was a certain distance, or tension that evoked a sense of longing for her.  Versus her being right there and accessible to him at all times (like you are) and him loving her. 

If me I would introduce some distance.  Take a vacay with your friends.  Or tell him you need a weekend alone, chill, do your own thing.  Don't tell him why, just do it.  If he asks, just tell him you need some lone time, to get back to yourself, do your own thing.  

Guy has become way too complacent imo and is taking you and your relationship for granted.  

Neither you nor the relationship inspires much of anything in him beyond what's expected.  He's not romantic, he is unemotional, meh, going through the motions.  NOT good. 

It needs some stirring up!  Are you familiar with Esther Perel on TED?  I suggest you watch her videos on YouTube.

Start with "The Secret to Maintaining Desire in a Long Term Relationship."  Keep him moving closer to you, emotionally.

Right now he appears to be stuck.  Doesn't know how he feels, can't move forward, going through the motions.

I could be wrong, just my take reading what's quoted above. 

That said, I was taught men express love through action. It's been true in all my long term relationships where my boyfriends have been madly in love with me.

Very rarely did I hear the words "I love you," and that was fine by me, I didn't need to hear, there was no question in my mind that they did.  None whatsoever. 

But given your boyfriend has never said it, even when asked, and stonewalls your attempts to discuss feelings at all, is not a good sign and lends credence to him not knowing quite what he feels or being in touch with his feelings, and simply going through the motions.

Until he finds a woman (not that he's looking) who does inspire the feelings in him you need him to feel and express with you..

 

His last relationship, from what I know about it is similar to ours. It wasn’t distant, they lived in the same neighbourhood (we live 30 mins away). In fact he was actually distant with her because it took him 8 months to ask to her to be his girlfriend, she had to basically ask him why he didn’t ask her to be in a relationship yet so then he did. He asked me after 3 months, he said he knew I was right for him pretty soon whereas he wanted to be sure with her. Not sure if that information helps but I don’t know much else about the relationship. 

[Glam]

52 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Glam, reading this^ my best guess would be he doesn't know how he feels.  No doubt he likes you, likes spending time, enjoys the security of being in a relationship.  He knows what's expected of him being in a relationship and acts accordingly.

But, many men (and some women) associate being in love with a sense of longing and given that you are always there and have what appears to be a very "polite" relationship, no tension, no friction, he sort of coasts along, going through the motions.  

BUT hasn't a clue how he truly feels.  Which is why he is uncomfortable talking about it!  I mean what's he gonna say?  He certainly isn't going to admit he doesnt know, so he avoids the discussion altogether.

I'm wondering what his previous relationship was like. If there was a certain distance, or tension that evoked a sense of longing for her.  Versus her being right there and accessible to him at all times (like you are) and him loving her. 

If me I would introduce some distance.  Take a vacay with your friends.  Or tell him you need a weekend alone, chill, do your own thing.  Don't tell him why, just do it.  If he asks, just tell him you need some lone time, to get back to yourself, do your own thing.  

Guy has become way too complacent imo and is taking you and your relationship for granted.  

Neither you nor the relationship inspires much of anything in him beyond what's expected.  He's not romantic, he is unemotional, meh, going through the motions.  NOT good. 

It needs some stirring up!  Are you familiar with Esther Perel on TED?  I suggest you watch her videos on YouTube.

Start with "The Secret to Maintaining Desire in a Long Term Relationship."  Keep him moving closer to you, emotionally.

Right now he appears to be stuck.  Doesn't know how he feels, can't move forward, going through the motions.

I could be wrong, just my take reading what's quoted above. 

That said, I was taught men express love through action. It's been true in all my long term relationships where my boyfriends have been madly in love with me.

Very rarely did I hear the words "I love you," and that was fine by me, I didn't need to hear, there was no question in my mind that they did.  None whatsoever. 

But given your boyfriend has never said it, even when asked, and stonewalls your attempts to discuss feelings at all, is not a good sign and lends credence to him not knowing quite what he feels or being in touch with his feelings, and simply going through the motions.

Until he finds a woman (not that he's looking) who does inspire the feelings in him you need him to feel and express with you..

 

Makes me wonder is it something I’m doing wrong that he can’t or hasn’t fallen in love with me yet. We’ve had a couple of arguments, nothing big but our relationship is really good , we’re very similar in other ways, we’re both really physically affectionate with each other, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong lol 

[poppyfields]

Does he discuss the future with you?  Long term?   

I realize everyone has their own style and pace, but what would trouble me is him stonewalling any discussion about feelings/emotions.  

Not suggesting he has to pour his heart and soul out, but something?  After you asked?  

I just broke up with my fiance, but he rarely said the words. He did write me a lovely letter once however expressing how he felt, that meant a lot.  More than any actual words spoken.