Sleeping with multiple people: do you tell them about each other?

[MRSR31]

I tend to share your behavior OP i.e. when to have sex /overlap but my motivation is different. I have been in the wild where as you allowed yourself to be tamed i.e. divorcee. I am more jaded and experienced with failure than a married woman. Sex was critical to my happiness because I was starving for intimacy. I couldn't be happy when the lust phase ended, marriage felt like settling at the time and I knew divorce was eminent. If I were a man I could just say I had a high drive and it could be true.  

Some men are only good for sex and that gets stale fast. I naturally turn cold exactly like a man when I am done w/ such types. 

Sometimes neither of us cares and we talk about our conquests. These ones are fun to have sex with because there is a competitive element to it that makes flirtation and wooing hilarious. If you are lucky enough to find one of these then other dudes are less appealing i.e. really have to dig. Although sexy fun guy is a blast in orbit until you feel obliged to end it.  You indicated you find it attractive if you have to compete initially; if I read you right.

Otherwise I might overlap but one will be my favorite and so naturally I go for that. 

I may or may not disclose. The beauty of being an adult  and single is that I am responsible for myself. Sometimes people get pissy because they might not have the option to one up you but they aren't sexy fun guy material either and even if they think your hot their pride takes precedent. That was a surprise revelation to me. It's pretty lame. I get spooked by cheap dudes that think they are funny and racist homophobes. He's just not into me isn't a tragedy it's a directive. 

That was exclusive to my forties which was hot sex. Twenties was coincident to love sex (in it for the kissing and the awe) or crazy drunk +/- homosex. I ended up in a long distance through my thirties so that messed up sex for a good decade then fizzled out.

Now at 49 it's barren and not worth tolerating for both sides. I only consider what I do because his age disguises how underwhelming he was. I guess all the hot guys stay married although I never see any out with wives my age or husbands my age. The permissible age gap gets slim because you think 'wow is that what my neck is gonna be doing in five years?' 

So yeah. I wouldn't waste too much time worrying about a man that already has a mother and also wears big boy pants. He can ask if he wants to know if I am sleeping with others. The last man I got excited about I did engage to marry but chose sex again although it ended up a lose lose which is a win. I was 45. 

So jaded and selfish if your a woman or drama free if your man is my early take on ones single sex life in the sixth decade. My boyfriend days are over. I had a discussion that I didn't need to have that opened with "should we be using protection?" I am like we?  I am not because there is no way in hell you could knock me up. My eggs hit the wall and you have the drive of my dead grandma. If I went insane and hooked up with a 21 year old boy I would take a plan B when it was over. If you have any reservation put on your big boy pants +/- your condom. Same goes for your sexual health and hey the condom works for that too. 

Edited January 30, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Fletch Lives]

Since you don't seem to love either one of them, what have you got to lose? I'd say, do whatever you want.

[SumGuy]

15 hours ago, Menara said:

I agree with you, and I am always very honest and open about this before even sleeping with anyone. My conversation (or monologue) would go something like this: I am not looking for anything casual at the moment. That being said, I have been single for a while and have been having sexual interactions with men, some of which are ongoing. I am interested in seeing how this will develop and would have no problem switching over to a monogamous relationship if things become more serious. 

I get where you are coming from, but I personally almost always have sex with only one person at a time.

I wouldn't bring up the other men. This is the point if you want to give monogamy/exclusivity with this guy a try to give it a try, not a time to confess you are seeing others and you may want to switch to monogamy. 

Have a conversation that you would like to be exclusive and see where it goes, and see what he says.  If he says yes, then don't sleep with those other guys anymore, it is that simple.  How you tell them it is up to you, but if it was supposed to be casual they shouldn't get bent out of shape.  If he says no then continue on as usual and you don't even need to tell him as he himself said he doesn't want to be exclusive.

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I have always felt that the ethical thing to do is to be honest about those things. However, some people have indicated that this is perhaps too much information.

You are honest if it is understood this is causal and non-exclusive up front.  Yes it is generally too much info to confirm these things.

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In the context of the circles I go around in, it's mostly artists and hippies (farmer man not excluded - he was a filmmaker before turning farmer) so definitely a bit more sexually liberated crowd.

Knowing this I think you'll be fine, just that COVID does put things in a little bit different perspective.

[CollinW]

On 1/29/2021 at 2:04 PM, Menara said:

I was posting about something else here and several people brought this up, so I thought of starting a separate discussion on this topic. This is actually something I thought about quite a bit, and I'm never sure how to go about it.

I'm sure I am not the only one in this situation. So, a bit of background, I've been separated for two years (officially divorced now) and have been dating. I was seeing someone for a year which ended in July 2020. Since then, I have started a casual relationship with a friend (we see each other maybe twice a month), and have also been on the dating scene. I think everyone is different when it comes to their sexuality, and how soon to sleep with someone etc. For me, I'm very comfortable with myself and I don't have an issue even sleeping with someone on a first date if we hit it off, although generally I rarely do this until the second or third date. 

The guy I am seeing casually knows that I'm dating other men as we discuss our dating adventures quite openly. And every time we meet he'll ask me: have you been sleeping with anyone else since we last met? Have you used protection? Is he a frontline worker? (Covid question!). He wants to make sure it's safe and that seems reasonable to me.

I've started adopting the same attitude with other men I sleep with because I feel that the ethical thing to do, both from an emotional and physical safety point of view, is to share that kind of information. Now I will be honest that despite having what one could call "been sleeping around" a bit, I am looking for a long term relationship. I haven't slept with anyone, besides Mr. Casual, that I didn't think I would consider having a long term relationship with, even if that list has piled up a bit, and things haven't really worked out so far (for different reasons: either I realized I wasn't that into him after all or I there were some major red flags and I broke it off). 

That being said, someone pointed out in the other conversation that divulging to someone, who I was hoping to have a long term relationship with, that I was currently sleeping with someone else might be a turn off, and that it's perhaps better to not mention this. I personally don't find it a turn off if men say this to me. I prefer honesty, and also to know what I'm getting into. I also assume that men I date are perhaps sleeping with other women as well, and feel that I cannot be upset about this as long as we have not had the "being exclusive" conversation. In some ways, I find it more attractive for a man to be "shopping around" and then to decide to choose me, than someone being lonely and desperate and clingy. I do realize that I might be an exception here, so was just wondering what other people's experience has been, and how you feel about this issue. 

I respect how you maneuver. Not going to lie, I wouldn't entertain anyone who was sleeping with other people, but I'd be more open to it than if she was vague about it. 

[Phallacy]

This is one of biggest pet peeves with online dating. Everyone is boinking everyone else and waiting til someone asks for a commitment.

I will never again ask a woman to commit.

I’ve experienced several times, great sex but the woman doesn’t mention being exclusive yet wants to go out again after I plan another date.

The minute someone asks for something (aka exclusive), let the games begin.

I will never ever ask a woman to commit. Ever...

[Be Cool]

No, why should you?

Who you have sex with is your business, not any other third person's.