Menara Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 I was posting about something else here and several people brought this up, so I thought of starting a separate discussion on this topic. This is actually something I thought about quite a bit, and I'm never sure how to go about it. I'm sure I am not the only one in this situation. So, a bit of background, I've been separated for two years (officially divorced now) and have been dating. I was seeing someone for a year which ended in July 2020. Since then, I have started a casual relationship with a friend (we see each other maybe twice a month), and have also been on the dating scene. I think everyone is different when it comes to their sexuality, and how soon to sleep with someone etc. For me, I'm very comfortable with myself and I don't have an issue even sleeping with someone on a first date if we hit it off, although generally I rarely do this until the second or third date. The guy I am seeing casually knows that I'm dating other men as we discuss our dating adventures quite openly. And every time we meet he'll ask me: have you been sleeping with anyone else since we last met? Have you used protection? Is he a frontline worker? (Covid question!). He wants to make sure it's safe and that seems reasonable to me. I've started adopting the same attitude with other men I sleep with because I feel that the ethical thing to do, both from an emotional and physical safety point of view, is to share that kind of information. Now I will be honest that despite having what one could call "been sleeping around" a bit, I am looking for a long term relationship. I haven't slept with anyone, besides Mr. Casual, that I didn't think I would consider having a long term relationship with, even if that list has piled up a bit, and things haven't really worked out so far (for different reasons: either I realized I wasn't that into him after all or I there were some major red flags and I broke it off). That being said, someone pointed out in the other conversation that divulging to someone, who I was hoping to have a long term relationship with, that I was currently sleeping with someone else might be a turn off, and that it's perhaps better to not mention this. I personally don't find it a turn off if men say this to me. I prefer honesty, and also to know what I'm getting into. I also assume that men I date are perhaps sleeping with other women as well, and feel that I cannot be upset about this as long as we have not had the "being exclusive" conversation. In some ways, I find it more attractive for a man to be "shopping around" and then to decide to choose me, than someone being lonely and desperate and clingy. I do realize that I might be an exception here, so was just wondering what other people's experience has been, and how you feel about this issue.
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 Instead of coming right out and say "I'm having sex with multiple people" Just say you are dating other people...I'm sure they will know what you are talking about. 8
Miss Spider Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 (edited) Agree... Not everything needs to be shared. A lot of people prefer a don’t ask don’t tell policy or at least not so brutally honestIf you are exclusive, then you don’t see other people, but if not, why is it any of their business anyway? This is a very presumptuous question to ask or tmi to tell someone that you are just casually dating IMO.... and they should just operate under the assumption you might I think he will definitely lose out on prospective guys if you go around saying that Edited January 29, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 1
central Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 If I slept with someone yesterday, and someone else today, but don't plan to sleep with the one from yesterday ever again, then I wouldn't be inclined to divulge that. Of course, that assumes protection is used. Anyway, that's just serial dating. However, I have occasionally had sex with several contemporaneous partners, in which case it seemed ethical to divulge that. It never created a problem, and in a couple of cases even led to a threesome! 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 If you are into open relationship, yes state so . You don't have to be specific. That way there are no Covid/STD surprises or other misunderstandings. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 (edited) 53 minutes ago, Menara said: I was posting about something else here and several people brought this up, so I thought of starting a separate discussion on this topic. This is actually something I thought about quite a bit, and I'm never sure how to go about it. I'm sure I am not the only one in this situation. So, a bit of background, I've been separated for two years (officially divorced now) and have been dating. I was seeing someone for a year which ended in July 2020. Since then, I have started a casual relationship with a friend (we see each other maybe twice a month), and have also been on the dating scene. I think everyone is different when it comes to their sexuality, and how soon to sleep with someone etc. For me, I'm very comfortable with myself and I don't have an issue even sleeping with someone on a first date if we hit it off, although generally I rarely do this until the second or third date. The guy I am seeing casually knows that I'm dating other men as we discuss our dating adventures quite openly. And every time we meet he'll ask me: have you been sleeping with anyone else since we last met? Have you used protection? Is he a frontline worker? (Covid question!). He wants to make sure it's safe and that seems reasonable to me. That being said, someone pointed out in the other conversation that divulging to someone, who I was hoping to have a long term relationship with, that I was currently sleeping with someone else might be a turn off, and that it's perhaps better to not mention this. I personally don't find it a turn off if men say this to me. I prefer honesty, and also to know what I'm getting into. I also assume that men I date are perhaps sleeping with other women as well, and feel that I cannot be upset about this as long as we have not had the "being exclusive" conversation. In some ways, I find it more attractive for a man to be "shopping around" and then to decide to choose me, than someone being lonely and desperate and clingy. I do realize that I might be an exception here, so was just wondering what other people's experience has been, and how you feel about this issue. If you want to talk openly about your sexual exploits with someone that is completely up to you, but someone you’re casual with should be taking all this with a grain of salt... You’re casual ... The definition of that presupposes that you are Sexing other people and that you aren’t taking it too serious. So he should wrap it up and just assume that you have maybe been in contact with someone that may have Covid unless he is getting it in writing from the doctor all your sex partners are negative. that aside, what I was saying about the man that you want to be serious with is that a lot of men (not all) take a woman who is having casual sex with a lot of people out of the running of a serious relationship. They become sex only and not a potential partner. Whether that is right or wrong is another topic but it is something that a lot of men do Edited January 29, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 4
cleverusername Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 If both parties are not using protection, 100% yes.
basil67 Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 None of these hazy references to dating other people for me. I'd want to know if the person I was seeing was having sex with others because it would be a deal breaker. 6
BaileyB Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 16 minutes ago, basil67 said: None of these hazy references to dating other people for me. I'd want to know if the person I was seeing was having sex with others because it would be a deal breaker. Absolutely. I don’t need to know all the details of my partner’s sexual past... but, I do need to know if they are engaging in risky sexual behavior that puts my health at risk. And, having sex with someone who has multiple partners most definitely puts my health at risk. It’s a no go. 3 1
Alpacalia Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 It's different if you've just been on a couple of dates, but not everyone is OK with it when/if you're seeing each other regularly. I prefer not to sleep with multiple people at the same time so I expect the same. 1
Watercolors Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 Menara since you are a self-proclaimed polyamorous person, then you need to tell your long-term guy friend and farmer guy both the truth: that you are having sex with multiple men at the same time. You are comfortable being open that way so why hide it. And, don't lie by omission either. You already told your long-term guy friend that you are sleeping with farmer guy, correct? So now you owe it to farmer guy to tell him that you are having sex with multiple partners. This is about being sexually responsible. Whether or not you end up in a monogamous relationship with one of these two guys, has yet to happen. Since farmer guy lives with his on-off again girlfriend or common law but not legal actual wife, and he only wants casual sex, there's no problem telling him that you're ok with that too. It's perfectly reasonable for you to have an open sexual relationship with both of these men, as long as you are transparent with them.
Zona Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 1 hour ago, basil67 said: I'd want to know if the person I was seeing was having sex with others because it would be a deal breaker. 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Absolutely. I don’t need to know all the details of my partner’s sexual past... but, I do need to know if they are engaging in risky sexual behavior that puts my health at risk. And, having sex with someone who has multiple partners most definitely puts my health at risk. It’s a no go. Couldn't agree more. OP, what is your end game? Do you want to get married again? Have kids, or? Our youth goes by pretty fast. If you have no plans to ever get married or have kids, then obviously casual relationships are the way to go. As someone mentioned previously, if you want to get back into a long term relationship, men will most likely not see you as LTR material if you have multiple concurrent sex partners when they meet you. 1
peach302 Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Menara said: I was posting about something else here and several people brought this up, so I thought of starting a separate discussion on this topic. This is actually something I thought about quite a bit, and I'm never sure how to go about it. I'm sure I am not the only one in this situation. So, a bit of background, I've been separated for two years (officially divorced now) and have been dating. I was seeing someone for a year which ended in July 2020. Since then, I have started a casual relationship with a friend (we see each other maybe twice a month), and have also been on the dating scene. I think everyone is different when it comes to their sexuality, and how soon to sleep with someone etc. For me, I'm very comfortable with myself and I don't have an issue even sleeping with someone on a first date if we hit it off, although generally I rarely do this until the second or third date. The guy I am seeing casually knows that I'm dating other men as we discuss our dating adventures quite openly. And every time we meet he'll ask me: have you been sleeping with anyone else since we last met? Have you used protection? Is he a frontline worker? (Covid question!). He wants to make sure it's safe and that seems reasonable to me. I've started adopting the same attitude with other men I sleep with because I feel that the ethical thing to do, both from an emotional and physical safety point of view, is to share that kind of information. Now I will be honest that despite having what one could call "been sleeping around" a bit, I am looking for a long term relationship. I haven't slept with anyone, besides Mr. Casual, that I didn't think I would consider having a long term relationship with, even if that list has piled up a bit, and things haven't really worked out so far (for different reasons: either I realized I wasn't that into him after all or I there were some major red flags and I broke it off). That being said, someone pointed out in the other conversation that divulging to someone, who I was hoping to have a long term relationship with, that I was currently sleeping with someone else might be a turn off, and that it's perhaps better to not mention this. I personally don't find it a turn off if men say this to me. I prefer honesty, and also to know what I'm getting into. I also assume that men I date are perhaps sleeping with other women as well, and feel that I cannot be upset about this as long as we have not had the "being exclusive" conversation. In some ways, I find it more attractive for a man to be "shopping around" and then to decide to choose me, than someone being lonely and desperate and clingy. I do realize that I might be an exception here, so was just wondering what other people's experience has been, and how you feel about this issue. Honesty is good. But i wouldnt consider anything long term with someone who was sleeping around in a casual manner. It would put me right off. And I've flat out rejected people because of it. And not only because of health reasons but also morals and values. Men usually see it the same way too. They may be casual with you but i wouldn't think they would want you as a long term partner. Edited January 30, 2021 by peach302 2
Author Menara Posted January 30, 2021 Author Posted January 30, 2021 Interesting discussion! I suddenly feel that I haven't given this enough thought! To put this more into context: 1) I am not polyamorous. I have given this concept some thought (I do know several people that have chosen that route), and have received some offers to join polyamorous couples, but that's not really my thing. 2) I am 100% in favour of monogamous relationships, and as I mentioned I am looking for a committed long term relationship. I do not necessarily wish to sleep with multiple people once I find the right person. I wasn't really specifically looking for that period. It just kind of happened that there has been quite a bit of overlap. And I get the sense that men when they first start dating are also sleeping with other people until you actually have the conversation. So why is it different for them? 3) I am 43, so not looking for kids (I have those already), nor marriage (done that and didn't work out so great). I would be open to moving in with someone, even with someone who has kids and merge families. I could be into that, but not necessarily searching for it. I have a great career and very good income, and own a duplex in downtown Ottawa (live in one unit with my kids and rent the other). I don't need to find someone for family or financial reasons. 4) I am very much a romantic and would like to find love again. That being said, until I find love and don't see why I shouldn't have a little fun. 1
fred123 Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 are you sleeping with numerous partners or not? if so be honest
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Menara said: get the sense that men when they first start dating are also sleeping with other people until you actually have the conversation. So why is it different for them? It’s not different for men. To be blunt, it’s a $#/%> thing to do to another person, full stop. If you are dating men who are sleeping with other women and not disclosing this information, I would suggest that you raise your bar.Don’t get me wrong, if you want to have sex with multiple partners - have at it! But consider this, you may have made the decision to have multiple partners - they did not. Not unless you have an honest discussion with them about your sexual history. Edited January 30, 2021 by BaileyB 2
Zona Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Menara said: Interesting discussion! I suddenly feel that I haven't given this enough thought! 2) And I get the sense that men when they first start dating are also sleeping with other people until you actually have the conversation. So why is it different for them? 4) That being said, until I find love and don't see why I shouldn't have a little fun. Life isn't always fair. Men have some advantages (and different mating strategies) and women have some advantages, especially when they are in their early 20's. Men won't care about what you find "fair" in the end. They will do what they want, and their behavior is somewhat predictable. Edited January 30, 2021 by Zona 1 1
Author Menara Posted January 30, 2021 Author Posted January 30, 2021 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Don’t get me wrong, if you want to have sex with multiple partners - have at it! But consider this, you may have made the decision to have multiple partners - they did not. Not unless You are honest and they are then able to make an informed decision whether you are a risk they are willing to take! I agree with you, and I am always very honest and open about this before even sleeping with anyone. My conversation (or monologue) would go something like this: I am not looking for anything casual at the moment. That being said, I have been single for a while and have been having sexual interactions with men, some of which are ongoing. I am interested in seeing how this will develop and would have no problem switching over to a monogamous relationship if things become more serious. I have always felt that the ethical thing to do is to be honest about those things. However, some people have indicated that this is perhaps too much information. In the context of the circles I go around in, it's mostly artists and hippies (farmer man not excluded - he was a filmmaker before turning farmer) so definitely a bit more sexually liberated crowd. 1
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Menara said: I have always felt that the ethical thing to do is to be honest about those things. However, some people have indicated that this is perhaps too much information. In the context of the circles I go around in, it's mostly artists and hippies (farmer man not excluded - he was a filmmaker before turning farmer) so definitely a bit more sexually liberated crowd. In the context of that particular culture, perhaps it is too much information... Zona is probably also correct. There is probably a group of men for whom it wouldn’t matter in the least... Perhaps women are more concerned about these things. Edited January 30, 2021 by BaileyB
Mrin Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 Ooooh tough question. And no real fair answers. I'd say: - I would still put in the effort to chase a woman for a long term committed relationship even if I knew she was dating others when I first started dating her. - I would not put in the effort to chase a woman for a long term committed relationship if I knew she was sleeping with others when I first started dating her. Practically speaking they could be or are the same thing. But there is a nuance there. Double standard? Maybe. But my hunch tells me that it works the other direction too. 3 3
ccas93 Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 yeah I would pass on you if you told me you were having casually sex with multiple people. but that's just me. 1
Ellener Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 46 minutes ago, ccas93 said: yeah I would pass on you if you told me you were having casually sex with multiple people. but that's just me. Me too. The last date I went on ( before Covid broke out here ) was Valentine's day last year, I liked the man and we had a lot in common, but he wanted to sleep around plus 'get to know me better'. But apparently needed casual sex too. Not for me! Sex is just sex. A relationship is more of an investment.
basil67 Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 No double standard @Mrin I’m female and think like you do. 2
Pumaza Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 Doesnt look healthy. Why not have one person you love. All this issues will go away then also.✌Because only one you should worry about. But if you do it, be honest day one with everyone!! Because that can get them deseas,std.And they may not want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with many. Beside you got also corona!So many stuff people can catch,and that you can transfer by sleeping with many at same time. And whatever protection you use ,you can get prag still,as soon you having sex.And you may put them and yourself in crazy positions.Like not sure who is the dad etc. Let them know.Otherwise its like you tricking them into something they may not want.
Pumaza Posted January 30, 2021 Posted January 30, 2021 Beside by not being honest,you make them all believe they are special and and the only one, and that they can try to get serious with you.
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