Old crush followed my IG

[balin]

I wasnt sure where to put this, feel free to move. 

I posted about this woman this time last year. 

She was a barperson (mid 20s) in a bar I (late 40s) used to frequent and chat with a lot and I really fell hard for her over a year or so (Spring 2018 to March 2019). 

I eventually cracked and told her I'm gotten a bit of a crush and asked if it was mutual she said no but not a problem *cringe*.

It was sometimes awkward for a few weeks after that then things went back to normal.

That bar closed months later in March 2019 and I haven't seen her since, never even got to say goodbye as she left a few days before the last weekend which killed me. Saying good luck and goodbye would have helped close the chapter.

But I still think and wonder about her a lot. Haven't been able to put her firmly in the past and forget about her really even though I saw someone else for a time this past summer. I think it may be limerence.

I visited her IG last week and the first thing to come up was an IG story.

From my understanding of IG you can see who views your stories but not your standard home page. 

Anyway when I checked her page it went straight to a story so I guess she could have seen I visited.

The reason I am wondering about that is that three days ago I received a notification that she was following me. 

I was gobsmacked, why on earth would she follow me. She knows I'm really into her and she isn't feeling it so you'd think that would keep her away.

To be honest I felt a huge relief and burst of happiness that 

1) She even remembers me.

2) I was a bit more than just another customer that she was being paid to be nice to. I always did feel a bit singled out by her.

3) She mustn't have been too pi**ed off or creeped out that I tried to contact her via Messenger 6 months after that bar closed. I think she declined to open it as it stayed at "sent" status, not delivered or read, and I felt terrible I had even sent it.

Anyway, I followed her IG back. I liked a few of her pics (artist) and complimented one of them.

An hour later I PM'd her a brief hello message. 

She read but has not responded to my message but she liked my comment on her painting.

Why on earth would she follow me on IG 22 months after we last spoke. My page is public and pretty bare so there's nothing more to be seen. 

Anyway I guess I'll hang way back and see what happens.

I regret PMing her so soon now. I think I should have paused and waited and seen if she would. She followed me, I followed her back, her move. 

She is truly stunning and lovely and draws a lot of male attention. Maybe she's just happy to keep me, someone who she knows really really likes her, in her orbit for the attention and validation.

Maybe she's just happy to trade follows and keep a link but doesn't want to engage in any back and forth messaging.

Maybe I should take some bloody power back and unfollow and block her and walk away with a little dignity and maybe sufficient closure to finally move on.

I'm a bit stumped as to what sh is thinking to be honest. 

She said way back that she wasn't romantically interested so what am I even thinking. Honestly it is so easy for hopes to rise emotionally when there is really zero scope there thinking rationally. 

I can't really send her another PM, just either wait and see, or delete and block. 

Anyway I don't really have a proper question, just good to vent and get some of the jumbled thoughts written down. What do ye think?

 

[d0nnivain]

She's a social media friend collector.  She knows you & liked you well enough as a customer so she followed you.  It doesn't mean anything. 

If she has or gets another bar job & you were a decent tipper she'd probably be OK to have you back as a customer because you are a known quantity & not a trouble maker. 

She has not given any more thought to your crush.  In her mind she kibosh-ed that straight away & it's no longer a thing.  Sorry. 

Edited January 29, 2021 by d0nnivain

[josedelamuerte]

1 hour ago, balin said:

She is truly stunning and lovely and draws a lot of male attention. Maybe she's just happy to keep me, someone who she knows really really likes her, in her orbit for the attention and validation.

Maybe she's just happy to trade follows and keep a link but doesn't want to engage in any back and forth messaging.

There we go! Happy to help

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, I agree with the others.  Yes, she can see when you view her IG story so she probably saw that you viewed it.  Or sometimes the algorithm would also suggest you to her to follow perhaps shortly after you've been poking around on her page.  I don't think she necessarily has bad intentions but I would take it that she is just being friendly (for now), especially if she didn't answer a DM.   Just leave it alone and if she starts up a conversation, you can roll with it.  

I'm not sure if it's actually good for YOU to follow her as you wanted to put a period on being infatuated with her (and need to).  Following her might make you like her more and open it all up again for you (the opposite of saying goodbye before you moved on).  My best rec now that you follow each other is not to look at her stuff often/at all and post your own stuff showing what you are about besides your persona in a bar.  Good luck

*bottom line DO NOT read anything into it. 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

*bottom line DO NOT read anything into it. 

Agree. 

Millennials think about relationships very differently than us older folk, in our 40’s.

To me, it’s a big decision to add someone to my friend list. I tend to add people that I know personally. I ask myself, do I want this person to know about my personal life? It’s about quality, not quantity. 

You meet a Millennial once and have a conversation, or you are friends with their friend, and they will add you to their friend list. It means nothing. It’s about quantity, not quality. Thus, the friend lists that include 400, 500, 800 people...

Some people are friend collectors, as has been said above. Don’t read anything into it. 

Edited January 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

Resist the urge to over-analyze this.  She probably followed you just out of curiosity.  Following people on IG is not a big deal to many people, it means nothing.  The fact that she did not reply to your PM says a lot... it says that she's not interested in actually talking to you.

[smackie9]

She's bored, so she's following people she has met or knows. It's just something to do.

[poppyfields]

It could mean something, it could not mean something.  For me it's been a mix of both.

Does it matter?  You sent her a DM, she did not respond.  

Try to not read so seriously into SM, you'll drive yourself bonkers doing that.

Edited January 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

My opinion, based on what I’ve read and my own motives for doing this, is that it doesn’t mean much of anything. At most it is just idle curiosity in what someone who they knew, asked them out, or dated is up to in general. The person who likes them reads this as a big move, but they most likely just doing it offhandedly. Sometimes it can even be a little bit of a vicarious ego boost to to revisit a person who asked you out a little bit in this way. Kind of like how a serial killer goes back to the scene of the crime just to observe. Just the memory associated with the person is ok/good, not that they really want to date them or anything. You see that a lot on the forums where someone will say someone that they hooked up with or dated for a while started following them again even though they broke up with  them or ignored them .. anyway, to add to this I think you seem cool, balin, and above focusing on this person bc you should be focusing on interest folk jmo

Edited January 29, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Fox Sake]

I don’t think you should be following this girl. 
It’s going to drive you bananas looking at her. 

Give it 2 days , no response? - unfollow and get her out of sight and out of mind. Do that for you, not for a reaction. Do it for the right reasons. 

it’s your only chance to regain a small amount of self control, and if you do it properly and effectively , you can change how you view this girl so it’s not going to eat at you. I’m basically encouraging you to try and let go and change how you see her- as just a pretty barmaid and not a potential love interest. Find that self respect and flip the rejection around - she’s not good enough for you, or you would both be talking all the time. Surely you deserve to feel wanted? 

If someone really likes you, they’ll make the effort to reach out. Personally if I was you, I wouldn’t even have followed her back unless I had a message. See yourself as a prize. Even if you aren’t one, you still are! 
 

[peach302]

4 hours ago, balin said:

I wasnt sure where to put this, feel free to move. 

I posted about this woman this time last year. 

She was a barperson (mid 20s) in a bar I (late 40s) used to frequent and chat with a lot and I really fell hard for her over a year or so (Spring 2018 to March 2019). 

I eventually cracked and told her I'm gotten a bit of a crush and asked if it was mutual she said no but not a problem *cringe*.

It was sometimes awkward for a few weeks after that then things went back to normal.

That bar closed months later in March 2019 and I haven't seen her since, never even got to say goodbye as she left a few days before the last weekend which killed me. Saying good luck and goodbye would have helped close the chapter.

But I still think and wonder about her a lot. Haven't been able to put her firmly in the past and forget about her really even though I saw someone else for a time this past summer. I think it may be limerence.

I visited her IG last week and the first thing to come up was an IG story.

From my understanding of IG you can see who views your stories but not your standard home page. 

Anyway when I checked her page it went straight to a story so I guess she could have seen I visited.

The reason I am wondering about that is that three days ago I received a notification that she was following me. 

I was gobsmacked, why on earth would she follow me. She knows I'm really into her and she isn't feeling it so you'd think that would keep her away.

To be honest I felt a huge relief and burst of happiness that 

1) She even remembers me.

2) I was a bit more than just another customer that she was being paid to be nice to. I always did feel a bit singled out by her.

3) She mustn't have been too pi**ed off or creeped out that I tried to contact her via Messenger 6 months after that bar closed. I think she declined to open it as it stayed at "sent" status, not delivered or read, and I felt terrible I had even sent it.

Anyway, I followed her IG back. I liked a few of her pics (artist) and complimented one of them.

An hour later I PM'd her a brief hello message. 

She read but has not responded to my message but she liked my comment on her painting.

Why on earth would she follow me on IG 22 months after we last spoke. My page is public and pretty bare so there's nothing more to be seen. 

Anyway I guess I'll hang way back and see what happens.

I regret PMing her so soon now. I think I should have paused and waited and seen if she would. She followed me, I followed her back, her move. 

She is truly stunning and lovely and draws a lot of male attention. Maybe she's just happy to keep me, someone who she knows really really likes her, in her orbit for the attention and validation.

Maybe she's just happy to trade follows and keep a link but doesn't want to engage in any back and forth messaging.

Maybe I should take some bloody power back and unfollow and block her and walk away with a little dignity and maybe sufficient closure to finally move on.

I'm a bit stumped as to what sh is thinking to be honest. 

She said way back that she wasn't romantically interested so what am I even thinking. Honestly it is so easy for hopes to rise emotionally when there is really zero scope there thinking rationally. 

I can't really send her another PM, just either wait and see, or delete and block. 

Anyway I don't really have a proper question, just good to vent and get some of the jumbled thoughts written down. What do ye think?

 

Following you on insta could mean she see's you as a decent bloke. Just not one she would date.

So i wouldn't read that much into it. You like her so its easy to take one small thing and make it more significant than it is.

I also don't know many 20 somethings who would be romantically inclined towards someone nearer her father's  age. Speaking as someone of that age bracket.

Edited January 29, 2021 by peach302

[balin]

Great to hear your opinions thanks. Love this place.

Yeah I realise it ain't gonna happen. I was just amazed she followed me.

I guess I had catastrophized, worst case scenario, beat myself up yadda yadda...(you know what I mean) and assumed she probably hated me. 

I'll give it a few days I guess, then unfollow, maybe. I know I should. 

[amygirl908]

20 minutes ago, balin said:

I'll give it a few days I guess, then unfollow, maybe. I know I should. 

I should definitely unfollow.

It most likely means nothing and if it means anything it was probably bait/attention seeking and not the glimmer of hope you'd like.

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, balin said:

Great to hear your opinions thanks. Love this place.

Yeah I realise it ain't gonna happen. I was just amazed she followed me.

I guess I had catastrophized, worst case scenario, beat myself up yadda yadda...(you know what I mean) and assumed she probably hated me. 

I'll give it a few days I guess, then unfollow, maybe. I know I should. 

You could put her on mute if you want to be less aggressive about it.   That way you won't see her stuff but won't be causing unnecessary drama. 

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

You could put her on mute if you want to be less aggressive about it.   That way you won't see her stuff but won't be causing unnecessary drama. 

I think that’s a great idea in most situations, but this is verging on an unhealthy love interest, and I can see it getting him down. I do wonder if muting is just going to prolong any self-good that can come out of this tho? Is leaving the door slightly open going to play on his mind? 

I think he needs to actually deal with the situation, for his own mental well being. He basically has the option to take a lot of power and energy for himself out of this! if he flips it around. 

Edited January 29, 2021 by Fox Sake
Add a bit

[Miss Spider]

I agree with both Hottie and Foxy. It really just comes down to how neurotic Balin is about these sorts of things. 

[Wiseman2]

It's fine. Everybody like friends and she seems to like that along with fans.

[Maldives]

I think you may be reading into it to much. The fact she doesn't respond to your SMS or messages says it all

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

I think that’s a great idea in most situations, but this is verging on an unhealthy love interest, and I can see it getting him down. I do wonder if muting is just going to prolong any self-good that can come out of this tho? Is leaving the door slightly open going to play on his mind? 

I think he needs to actually deal with the situation, for his own mental well being. He basically has the option to take a lot of power and energy for himself out of this! if he flips it around. 

Sure, I agree and said as much in my first post.  I just am trying to give him options since he already followed her, which they are friends in real life so it's a little rude to now unfollow her, when she hasn't done anything wrong; she just doesn't feel the same.  He probably should have used better judgement in following her in the first place because this might be what will happen while he manages his emotions.  It just kind of makes him look all over the place.  I know he needs to do what he needs to do for his emotional health that's why I pointed out that it would probably increase his feelings for her and not a good idea to watch her stuff. While on one hand he shouldn't prioritize her over him but on the other hand having a butthurt reaction or doubt for having followed her (or her not answering), is a bit dramatic. And there is the easy option where no one gets hurt lol and he keeps his dignity and she is none the wiser: mute.

[balin]

16 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

I think that’s a great idea in most situations, but this is verging on an unhealthy love interest, and I can see it getting him down. I do wonder if muting is just going to prolong any self-good that can come out of this tho? Is leaving the door slightly open going to play on his mind? 

Yeah, it has been unhealthy. From the get go I blindly gave her way too much bandwidth and didn't manage expectations at all. Very naive really. And she still appears to be occupying a lot of bandwidth all along unconsciously if I'm expressing it right. This latest development is a weight off my mind though - we cool.

We (she) established that nothing was going to happen a full 9 months before the bar closed so loads of water passed the bridge during that time. Mind you I still had feelings for her, I just did my best to hide it. I really don't have hopium in that regard logically, even though some part of me surely does. @peach302 The age gap is daft too, ffs like, I know it.

 

15 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I just am trying to give him options since he already followed her, which they are friends in real life so it's a little rude to now unfollow her, when she hasn't done anything wrong; she just doesn't feel the same.  He probably should have used better judgement in following her in the first place because this might be what will happen while he manages his emotions.  It just kind of makes him look all over the place.

 

This is very true, she has done absolutely nothing wrong. If I got hung up on her that's all on me. I really like her and certainly don't want to hurt her so I can't block her. She would be confused, bemused and then probably think "Idiot, f**k him". And that would be that. 

I might mute her but honestly if I want to check out her page it's just a few keystrokes in the search input anyway. Mind you muting could be a very good thing to do even symbolically, as an action to now move on.

The one thing I haven't done in since seeing her last (nearly 2 years ago) is Stop checking out her SM! That is probably the single reason she is still in mind and I'm still dotty about her. I've read that avoiding photos makes a huge impact in forgetting. All I have to do is administer some self discipline and avoid. I think it's high time I did that. I know, it all reeks of low self esteem and scarcity mindset but she really is special, really.

Yer I should really go all out and put her in the past. It is really good to know we are on good terms now though. However nothing romantic will transpire so I've been wasting so much time and mental energy without consciously doing so. It's kind of involuntarily in the back of my mind all the time. Rent free. It's amazing really. Once you get hooked, it's hard to unhook yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 30, 2021 by balin

[peach302]

42 minutes ago, balin said:

Yeah, it has been unhealthy. From the get go I blindly gave her way too much bandwidth and didn't manage expectations at all. Very naive really. And she still appears to be occupying a lot of bandwidth all along unconsciously if I'm expressing it right. This latest development is a weight off my mind though - we cool.

We (she) established that nothing was going to happen a full 9 months before the bar closed so loads of water passed the bridge during that time. Mind you I still had feelings for her, I just did my best to hide it. I really don't have hopium in that regard logically, even though some part of me surely does. @peach302 The age gap is daft too, ffs like, I know it.

 

 

This is very true, she has done absolutely nothing wrong. If I got hung up on her that's all on me. I really like her and certainly don't want to hurt her so I can't block her. She would be confused, bemused and then probably think "Idiot, f**k him". And that would be that. 

I might mute her but honestly if I want to check out her page it's just a few keystrokes in the search input anyway. Mind you muting could be a very good thing to do even symbolically, as an action to now move on.

The one thing I haven't done in since seeing her last (nearly 2 years ago) is Stop checking out her SM! That is probably the single reason she is still in mind and I'm still dotty about her. I've read that avoiding photos makes a huge impact in forgetting. All I have to do is administer some self discipline and avoid. I think it's high time I did that. I know, it all reeks of low self esteem and scarcity mindset but she really is special, really.

Yer I should really go all out and put her in the past. It is really good to know we are on good terms now though. However nothing romantic will transpire so I've been wasting so much time and mental energy without consciously doing so. It's kind of involuntarily in the back of my mind all the time. Rent free. It's amazing really. Once you get hooked, it's hard to unhook yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The age gap is too big for anything  to happen.

Maybe start looking for women  around your own age to get rid of obsessions over girls that young.

Edited January 30, 2021 by peach302

[balin]

2 minutes ago, peach302 said:

The age gap is too big for anything  to happen.

Maybe start looking for women  around your own age to get rid of obsessions over girls that young.

I usually do. I've never gone so far from my age area.

[balin]

A mature 25 year old woman is not a girl.

She has done barwork for years so she is bad ass kick ass and also so feminine.

When I was 22-23 well 25 seemed old.

 

 

[Eternal Sunshine]

You should examine why you got so fixated with a much younger girl who works in a bar and is probably super attractive. This is almost similar to getting a crush on a celebrity.

Even the most mature 25 year old is not someone that is even close to the life stage you are at. I have seen man rationalize this but in reality it was a mix of her being very hot and showing you some attention (for tips).

Besides this, she has already rejected you in every way she could. She rejected you in person, she didn't reply to your messenger message, she didn't reply to your DM. She followed you because she likes to increase the number of followers and given your obsession, you will also "like" her pics or pics of her art or whatever. More likes will look good to whoever she is trying to impress.

Edited January 31, 2021 by Eternal Sunshine

[Versacehottie]

On 1/30/2021 at 6:22 AM, balin said:

The one thing I haven't done in since seeing her last (nearly 2 years ago) is Stop checking out her SM! That is probably the single reason she is still in mind and I'm still dotty about her. I've read that avoiding photos makes a huge impact in forgetting. All I have to do is administer some self discipline and avoid. I think it's high time I did that. I know, it all reeks of low self esteem and scarcity mindset but she really is special, really.

Oh wow, I didn't realize that you've been looking at it for 2 years.  I thought it just started around the time you followed her.  So I'd say for YOU and for your progress, it's already in a not good territory.  It's keeping you stuck.   And 100% the photo thing tends to make people more infatuated; it does not increase infatuation.  Not to mention that people tend to put flattering stories and photos of themselves on social media so you aren't getting the full story really about what she is about----just building it more to the fantasy person you already have a crush on.

Anyway, my advice still stands: start living your own life;, find someone to date that reciprocates your interest in her; and don't check out this one's social media (unfollow or mute),

I believe you that she could be a special person.  But what you need is a special person who is into you.