Pumaza Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) It looks more like you had pitty with yourself to say no. Pity maybe that he will be mad or sad about you??!! [redacted] Anyway just be honest.Dont waste peoples time! Edited January 30, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) Actually OP it's more than selfish of you to waste all those years of HIS life. When he could have moved on long ago with someone else. Im sure you're not that special and he couldn't have found someone much better and real! Five years you wasted. He wont get those years back. Time to woman up and tell him the truth. And no disrespect but i still really do not believe you were not getting something out of it. His love/admiration/respect/attention probably became like a drug for you, you couldn't dispose of. You're trying to paint this picture of yourself of how much you've sacrificed your happiness to keep him happy but ultimately since you're faking it... that is not the case at all. Edited January 30, 2021 by peach302 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) But plz don’t mistake me. i know it is scary to break up with someone especially if they are really into you but do not paint it like you are just so selfless here. You’re not. You are shaking in your boots because fixing the mess you created is going to be painful/uncomfortable/ awkward. Sometimes life is that way and you have to woman up and do the d*mn thing Edited January 30, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 People want love and respect, not pity and contempt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) I imagine a lot of people, especially those who are married or have children ,stay in relationships that aren’t great because it’s just easier to do than to end things and start over Edited January 30, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I imagine a lot of people, especially those who are married or have children ,stay in relationships that aren’t great because it’s just easier to do than to end things and start over Marriage i get...even more so when they have kids. This is a relationship between two young people who i assume even if ended would have (assuming) plenty of other options. Its ludicrous the OP carried it on this long. There is something seriously wrong there. She needs help. The way she's talking about him is also pretty derogatory/disrespectful and lacking in genuine care. So i simply can't fathom that shes done this for his benefit. Edited January 31, 2021 by peach302 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 21 minutes ago, peach302 said: Marriage i get...even more so when they have kids. This is a relationship between two young people who i assume even if ended would have (assuming) plenty of other options. Its ludicrous the OP carried it on this long. There is something seriously wrong there. She needs help. The way she's talking about him is also pretty derogatory/disrespectful and lacking in genuine care. So i simply can't fathom that shes done this for his benefit. Yep agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cherry95 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) Thanks to everyone who replied. I read all responses.Even though the problem is not solved yet, at least I feel like I got this issue out of my chest somewhat, because I have never shared with anyonee so far. As I imagined most of you advice me to break up in the nicest way possbile and let my BF move on with his life and stop wasting his time. When I realy think about it, if I break up with him he will more likely than not find a nice girl. 18 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: But plz don’t mistake me. i know it is scary to break up with someone especially if they are really into you but do not paint it like you are just so selfless here. You’re not. You are shaking in your boots because fixing the mess you created is going to be painful/uncomfortable/ awkward. Sometimes life is that way and you have to woman up and do the d*mn thing I think you are verry correct about this. I know I made this mess and made him believe that we will probably live together for many years to come. Imagining the scenario when I tell him out of the blue that our relationship isn't working anymore feels REALLY scary. And I dont think there is a nice way to end this relationship either. No matter how I sugarcoat it it will be horrible. In moments of desperation with my situation I have even thought about disfiguring my face a little so that I become ugly and he stops being attracted to me physicaly and to make him break up with me this way. (dont worry, I won't do it, Im not that crazy, Its just that sometimes I get so tired and depressed with the situation that I mentally fall apart). But lets say that even if I did, he is so caring that I'm pretty sure that he will feel obliged to stay with me out of pity - that will be one hell of a relationship lol, two people secretly pitying each other. Some replies to my post said that I am using my BF somehow and that I am not revealing the whole picture. I want to say again that this is incorrect. Obviously I can not prove that I am not using him to someone who doesnt believe me, but I think It is pointless to discuss this possibility in this thread. Of course I gain some benefits by living with him - he is caring and tries to help me with whatever he can, he does the manly stuff around the apartment, he cooks for me sometimes etc. But those are benefits which I would forfeit in an instant if I could magically end the relationship without the ugly part of breaking up. I said that he will probably find a good girl in the furure if we break up now. But the other way in which things will work out well is if I keep up the charade for life and never make a mistake which will lead to him knowing the truth. On 1/28/2021 at 9:07 PM, Mrin said: You owe it to him to end it. He doesn't want to be with a woman who only pretends to love him that way. He doesn't want a charade. You are wasting his time - valuable time. He sounds like a wonderful human being. He deserves to be given the opportunity to find someone else who will love him like he loves you. Here, let me illustrate. I want you to try on this story for size: Imagine back to that first kiss. Imagine that instead of having the reaction you did, instead you felt sparks. Fireworks. A whole new woman was born with that kiss. And you fell deeply, deeply in love with him. He became your everything. Your knight in shining armor. And you dedicated your life to him. Years flew by. Everything just felt so right. You felt so right. You got married. You had kids with this man. You made a home, raised a family. You gave him your heart. Your soul. Your body. You trusted him implicitly. Knew every fiber of that man. And he was good to you. So good. Whenever you felt down or unlovable, he was there for you. The one person who didn't share your genes who truly loved you. Through thick and thin. Always. Now, imagine one day when you are in your 60's and you are packing up to move to an empty nester house now that the kids are off to college. You are packing up a closet and you find a little black book. Flipping through the pages you quickly discover it is his journal. You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself. You start to read. And you discover that while he thinks you are a wonderful human being, he pities you. He doesn't and has never loved you that way. It was all a shame. A ruse. A charade. He talks about how he detested touching your body when you had sex. How he felt like an actor around you. How the happiest moments of his life are when you were gone. And how he dreaded your inevitable return. How for decades he pretended to love you and he would give anything to just go back to that first kiss and leave it at that, just a kiss. Instead he spent his entire life fooling you that he loved you. He hates himself for it. Knowing he'll never find true love. And knowing that you won't either - but will always think you did. You'll go to your grave never being truly loved but hey, at least you'll think you were. How would that make you feel? Decades wasted. Your youth wasted. That all of that.... all of those years were a lie. You have lived a life, grown a family, dedicated yourself to... an actor. And not even a well paid actor. He didn't do it for your money, or your status. He did it out of... pity. Pity for you. And now, it is too late. Far too late to have the life you really wanted. Are your floored by his sacrifice? No! Do you see "honor" in what he did? What he stole from you? No! You feel anger. Rage. Loathing. You feel duped. You are the ugly unpopular girl that gets voted Prom Queen as a joke. Except it didn't happen once, it happened every day for the last 20+ years and the really sad thing was, you never got the joke. You thought you were really Prom Queen this whole time and that makes the joke even more outrageously funny. How couldn't you have seen it after all these years?!? OMG. And you bought into it. Oh you so bought into it! You also feel emptier than any human ever could feel. There is nothing left of you. You feel as though a faint breeze could scatter what's left of you and a part of you wishes it would to end your suffering. Why didn't he just say something! Why didn't he just end this?! Oh the things you could have done. The person you could have been. The life you could led. Stolen. Robbed. Out of pity... In fact, that is the only thing you know is true - you're pitiful. That's the only thing you ever truly received - pity. Pity coated in an illusion. Fun times.... best of luck. Mrin It is hard, but still possible to not leave evidence, such as the diary in you story. That being said, 5 years of pretending are starting to take a serious toll on my mental health. Im worried that all the stress and unhappines might take a toll on my physicall health too. Then it will not not be worth it for me and neither for him, as he will suffer too if something happens to me. But that's another reason I made this thread - to see if other people are/have been in the same situation as me and for them to share how difficult and bad the pretending was for them. I know its very difficult for me, but I am not writing of the possibility that I am just a p***y (could not think of a better term here sry). After all, I know there are a lot of unhappy marriages which keep going for different reasons - same as mine or sticking together for the good of the kids etc. Maybe the people which are in those unhappy relationships are a lot more resilent than me and I should just "woman up" and bite the bullet? In conclusion, Im still undecided what to do. I said in the OP that I have decided to say with my BF for life. That is indeed what has been hapening for the last years because, I am so hesitant to pull the triger and end this madness. However my heart just can''t fully come to accept that I will miss so many good moments in my life (at least that is what it often feels to me) keeping up this theater. And at the same time I feel so guilty that i made my BF believe in this lie for so long and during what are considered the most important years of one's life that I feel obliged to just keep up with it until the end and let him remain in blissfull igrorance and try to make at least him happy...... Edited January 31, 2021 by cherry95 Link to post Share on other sites
Jen_tully Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 It seems to me that you are afraid that your boyfriend will find the girl who will be their for him emotionally and physically...a real relationship not one where one of the parties has made theirselves a martyr/victim in the relationship. It’s only 5 years, look into therapy to work on you and let your boyfriend know what you really feel about him. He needs to know what his life with you really means and you need to find out what your life means! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cherry95 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, Garage2020 said: It seems to me that you are afraid that your boyfriend will find the girl who will be their for him emotionally and physically...a real relationship not one where one of the parties has made theirselves a martyr/victim in the relationship. It’s only 5 years, look into therapy to work on you and let your boyfriend know what you really feel about him. He needs to know what his life with you really means and you need to find out what your life means! Thanks for the reply, but this is not the case. In fact one of my dream scenarios for the end of our relationships is that he finds a girl which he prefers over me (Im not saying that I am all that... I dont think very highly of me in terms of physical attractiveness and personality, but for some reason he really likes me I think). I keep hoping that this will happen and if it does I'll jump at the opportunity and make him sure that Im ok with him leaving me if he will be with someone who makes him happer. That actually may be the easiest and cleanest solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 10 minutes ago, cherry95 said: That actually may be the easiest and cleanest solution. No, the only solution is for you to break up with him. I get it, it’s hard. In the moment a couple of my breakups have been the hardest things I’ve ever done. But you can’t imagine the relief that comes after it’s done. The only thing you’ll regret is not breaking up sooner and the time that was lost. Create a plan. Where will you stay? What will you do with your stuff? Set a date. Get the wheels in motion so all you need to deal with on the day is the actual breakup, and then have your new place ready so you can sleep there the night. Then your new life starts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cherry95 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 2 hours ago, peach302 said: Marriage i get...even more so when they have kids. This is a relationship between two young people who i assume even if ended would have (assuming) plenty of other options. Its ludicrous the OP carried it on this long. There is something seriously wrong there. She needs help. The way she's talking about him is also pretty derogatory/disrespectful and lacking in genuine care. So i simply can't fathom that shes done this for his benefit. I really want to talk to a proffesional about my issue with the hopes that he will tell me what happened to people which are in the same situation as me, but I am too afraid that the truth might spread if the psychologist fails to keep my story a secret. I talk derogatory about my boyfriend sometimes not because I don't respect him as a person(on the contrary) but because I get angry at him and at this whole situation.I often feel like I want to scream at him and to the whole world that I am not attracted to him and dont want to spend any time with him. I know I have no logical reason to be mad at him as he is doing nothing wrong and that this is all my fault, but it thats what often happens. I guess thats my bitterness manifesting itself in that way Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, cherry95 said: I really want to talk to a proffesional about my issue with the hopes that he will tell me what happened to people which are in the same situation as me, but I am too afraid that the truth might spread if the psychologist fails to keep my story a secret. I talk derogatory about my boyfriend sometimes not because I don't respect him as a person(on the contrary) but because I get angry at him and at this whole situation.I often feel like I want to scream at him and to the whole world that I am not attracted to him and dont want to spend any time with him. I know I have no logical reason to be mad at him as he is doing nothing wrong and that this is all my fault, but it thats what often happens. I guess thats my bitterness manifesting itself in that way Why did you agree to be with your boyfriend in the first place? Are you living in a patriarchal culture where the woman doesn’t have any rights and has to do everything that the man tells her? Does your culture exist on arranged marriages? Do you live in a culture where a breakup is not possible unless it’s done by the man? I’m trying to understand why you can’t break up with your boyfriend. Is it because you have no job, no education and he financially provides for you? And that you would have no place to live, no food to eat, if he did break up with you? Edited January 31, 2021 by Watercolors 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) Cherry, have been in a very similar situation. The latest was last fall. I was actually engaged to the guy though. It was a lot shorter but very intense relationship... He was kind of obsessed with me. And yes it was hard to break off with him. It was very emotional and sucked so bad.But I am still alive to tell the tale. And he is alive as well.and you all will be too. He hasn’t really moved on completely but he will. It might take the guy years but he will probably find someone he likes just as much as you. Please do not let that hold you back. It sounds like you do need therapy though and it would be helpful to you. Best of luck Edited January 31, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cherry95 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Why did you agree to be with your boyfriend in the first place? Are you living in a patriarchal culture where the woman doesn’t have any rights and has to do everything that the man tells her? Does your culture exist on arranged marriages? Do you live in a culture where a breakup is not possible unless it’s done by the man? I’m trying to understand why you can’t break up with your boyfriend. Is it because you have no job, no education and he financially provides for you? And that you would have no place to live, no food to eat, if he did break up with you? No nothing like that. And we both have a job and can support ourselves individually. As I said in an above post, one of the main reasons is that I feel guilty that I would have kind of wasted 5 years of his life if I broke up now and feel like I should just keep doing it forever so that he is happy. Edited January 31, 2021 by cherry95 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) That is a terrible way to live., girl. You don’t deserve that. Throw away your option to ever really love someone makes no sense in light of the fact that relationships end after 5 years and get people over it all the time. People lose interest and grow apart Etc etc. This would be no different than if you had lost interest within the last couple months. Appreciate the good moments that you had with each other and hopefully he can too in time. It wasn’t a total waste. Breaking up will suck, but better than a life of fake love... also you don’t know you can keep this up forever. 15 years from now you might be so totally fed up all it’s going to take is another guy looking at you the wrong way for you to make some much worse decisions. Please consider everything everyone has said because the consensus is a definitive break up Edited January 31, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, cherry95 said: No nothing like that. And we both have a job and can support ourselves individually. As I said in an above post, one of the main reasons is that I feel guilty that I would have kind of wasted 5 years of his life if I broke up now and feel like I should just keep doing it forever so that he is happy. So, you have your own job, your own income, your own savings and can find your own place to live without any repercussions or threats from your boyfriend? If culturally and financially there is nothing standing in your way of breaking up with your boyfriend, there is no logical reason you should stay in a relationship that is not working for you, unless you are getting something from it (one of your basic needs is being met by him, or, you don’t want to be alone, so you stay with him). I just don’t feel like you are being 100% honest about your situation. No person in their reasonable mind, would ever stay in an abusive or toxic relationship. You contradict yourself as well, a lot, which makes me wonder what you’re not disclosing to us. You claim that if you break up with him, it will devastate him. Yet, you also claim that once you break up with him, he will find a more suitable girlfriend for himself than you have been. So, what aren’t you telling us, OP? Because, your responses don’t add up. Edited January 31, 2021 by Watercolors 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cherry95 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 3 minutes ago, Watercolors said: So, you have your own job, your own income, your own savings and can find your own place to live without any repercussions or threats from your boyfriend? If culturally and financially there is nothing standing in your way of breaking up with your boyfriend, there is no logical reason you should stay in a relationship that is not working for you, unless you are getting something from it (one of your basic needs is being met by him, or, you don’t want to be alone, so you stay with him). I just don’t feel like you are being 100% honest about your situation. No person in their reasonable mind, would ever stay in an abusive or toxic relationship. You contract yourself as well. You claim that if you break up with him, it will devastate him. Yet, you also claim that once you break up with him, he will find a more suitable girlfriend for himself than you have been. So, what aren’t you telling us, OP? Because, your responses don’t add up. There will be no problems from my BF's part if we I break up with him Im 100 % sure. Because he is a very good person as I said. And the relationship is not abusive. More like Im abusing myself... When I said that i think a break up will devastate him I mean that it will hurt him a lot, but I still think that he will more likely be able to find another girl which will make him happy. Yet still I am so afraid if hurting him with a break up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, cherry95 said: Yet still I am so afraid if hurting him with a break up. It will hurt him, but it will be temporary. Set him free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 3 minutes ago, cherry95 said: There will be no problems from my BF's part if we I break up with him Im 100 % sure. Because he is a very good person as I said. And the relationship is not abusive. More like Im abusing myself... When I said that i think a break up will devastate him I mean that it will hurt him a lot, but I still think that he will more likely be able to find another girl which will make him happy. Yet still I am so afraid if hurting him with a break up. Why did you agree to be in a relationship with him 5 years ago? Did you actually like him 5 years ago but your feelings have changed over time to now you no longer love him and want to end the relationship? If you are unhappy in the relationship then it is your responsibility to break up with him. If you’re not culturally bound to him, or not financially bound to him, and you two have no children together and it won’t destroy your job to break up with him, then you have no logical reason to stay with him. How he responds to the breakup is not up to you. You cannot control anyone but yourself. His feelings are not yours to control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
josedelamuerte Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 2 hours ago, cherry95 said: I said that he will probably find a good girl in the furure if we break up now. But the other way in which things will work out well is if I keep up the charade for life and never make a mistake which will lead to him knowing the truth. How is that a way in which things will work out well?! Do you honestly not see how messed up this is? I'm starting to think you're trolling us 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, cherry95 said: I really want to talk to a proffesional about my issue with the hopes that he will tell me what happened to people which are in the same situation as me, but I am too afraid that the truth might spread if the psychologist fails to keep my story a secret. I talk derogatory about my boyfriend sometimes not because I don't respect him as a person(on the contrary) but because I get angry at him and at this whole situation.I often feel like I want to scream at him and to the whole world that I am not attracted to him and dont want to spend any time with him. I know I have no logical reason to be mad at him as he is doing nothing wrong and that this is all my fault, but it thats what often happens. I guess thats my bitterness manifesting itself in that way You never answered why you let it go on for years. Weeks maybe. At most a few months maybe. But why hold on to him this long??? There is no reasonable logic/explanation that could explain this away. You wern't thinking about him..you were only thinking of yourself. If i was him knowing the truth would make me livid. But at least you wouldn't waste another single moment more of his precious time. [redacted] Edited January 31, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility Link to post Share on other sites
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