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Stuck in a pity relationship


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Posted

I am making this topic because I simply need to vent somewhere as I have never told anyone about the truth of my relationship. Secondly, I want to warn others not to fall in the trap I fell into. Thirdly, I want to see if others are in similar situation as me.

It all started by me being complimented and asked out on a date by a guy who was friend/acquaintance of mine for some time. I liked him as a person, but was not very attracted to him physically. I was actually kissed by him first, before he asked me out and I ended up kissing him too - kind of to return the favor. Now I said I was not really attracted to him, but It felt good kissing him (not nearly as good as I imagined my first kiss would feel though). I guess i was just, excuse me for saying it like that, horny at the time lol... and I have never done anything intimate with a guy up to this moment. I guess my curiosity got the best of me.

This is where this story should have ended, or at the most a few dates after this. Unfortunately, after he invited me to a date I accepted out of pity as he seemed to really like me and I had a high opinion of him as a person. I won''t bore you with more details - long story short - this has been going on for years already, we already are mostly living together as a couple, having sex regularly, and I am pretty sure and scared that a marriage proposal is coming from him any time now... The thing is that he doesn't suspect our "relationship" is fake and I think he is very happy to be in a couple with me. But actually, I despise spending every single moment with him (okay, there are some activities which I don't hate doing together with him, but there is always something else I would prefer to be doing anyway). I am just an actor 24/7 pretending to be happy with him and in love with him. From waking up every morning next to him and kissing him, to pretending to have fun while we spend time together on our common "hobbies", to pretending I am attracted sexually to him and having orgasms and craving sex with him. to finally going to sleep next to him even though i crave sleeping alone from so much time now.... and so so many other little things. 

Our relationship progressed more and more throughout the years by me saying yes to him out of pity that I would hurt his feelings. I knew this was wrong but i just couldn't stop doing it. I stupidly hoped that somehow magically our relationship will die out after some time. But it didn't. I should have ended it whilethe relationship was relatively new and even though I would have hurt his feelings it would be bearable for him,I'm sure. Now I have created an illusion that has been going on for years and if I end it now it will be that much more devastating for him. So, I have made the decision to stay with him until the end of my or his life... 

I woudn't have done this if I didn't like my boyfriend as a person. He is one of the most caring and genuinely good human beings I have met. However I am writing this feeling almost hate towards him. All the time I spend everyday with him pretending to be happy while dying inside have made me so bitter and feeling that he owes me. But I know its all my fault - he didn"t force me to do this in the slightest and he doesn't suspect one tenth of the truth about our relationship (I guess I am a very good actor, if something possitive can be said about this whole situation lol).

I feel so alone and depressed with this problem. I have never told anyone about it in order to prevent my bf from somehow finding out. It has unfortunately come to me sharing it with a bunch of strangers on the internet, because I just need to vent somewhere. I feel emotionally raped, by pretending to be something I am not, by having sex which I hate and having to pretend to be aroused during it. And on top of that it is relentless. Its like a job seven days a week. Unless my bf goes away for a few days due to work or vacation somewhere. Those are the happiest days of my life. I feel so good while he is away and not because I am doing anything special, but beause i can just be alone by myself and be me. And when he comes back It is so painfull to have just seen how happy you can be, but now you have to start pretending again... It also hurts seing an attractive guy on the street and knowing I can never be intimate in my life with someone I am attracted to (I wont cheat on my BF because if he finds out he will be davastated ). I can go on about many other things that hurt....

Please if you are in a similar position and your relationship is still young dont be me and end it because you will either ruin your life if you continue or you will ruin your bf/gf's if you fail to keep it up after years have passed. Excuse me if my english is not very good I am not native speaker

Posted (edited)

Do your bf a favor and break up with him.  Yes, he may be in pain for a while but he deserves to be with someone who loves him fully and completely, not someone who has been lying to and manipulating him and now claims to "almost hate" him.  🤢

Your post is written such that you seem to think you're the victim here, but you're not:  you're the perpetrator.  If you care about your bf at all, you will allow him to find happiness with a partner deserving of him.

p.s.  This is a problem entirely of your own making, so using words like "emotionally raped" is completely unjustified

Edited by introverted1
grammar
  • Like 11
Posted

Just get some b*lls and end it. 

  • Like 8
Posted
16 minutes ago, cherry95 said:

I feel so alone and depressed with this problem.

Is this an arranged marriage? Why are you being forced to stay with him? Does your depression keep you stuck in a situation like this? You make yourself sound so kind and altruistic, but really you are coasting along using him, because it's easy for you.

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Posted (edited)

Why are you so afraid to be honest with yourself and him and leave him? All you owe him is the truth...then move on with your life.

Edited by smackie9
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Posted (edited)

I know it is entirely my fault, i am not claiming otherwise.And i'm not using my BF as someone said above - I have nothing to gain from the relationship.  I feel like if I end it now It would break his heart as we have been together for more than 5 years now and im pretty sure he is planning his life around marrying me and getting old with me. If I could turn back the time to when our relationships was like 1 year old I would end it without hesitation

 

Edited by cherry95
Posted
2 minutes ago, cherry95 said:

I know it is entirely my fault, i am not claiming otherwise.And i'm not using my BF as someone said above - I have nothing to gain from the relationship.  I feel like if I end it now It would break his heart as we have been together for more than 5 years now and im pretty sure he is planning his life around marrying me and getting old with me. If I could turn back the time to when our relationships was like 1 year old I would end with without hesitation

 

 Sure,  you will hurt him. Yes things might be painful and uncomfortable. But not everything is easy. You will get over it and so will he. Then he might have the opportunity to go on and find someone that really loves him.  I’ve been in the position many times. When you’re in it seems like impossible, but then you do it and you’re free and can breathe a huge sigh of relief because you’re not living a lie anymore. 

Posted (edited)

You owe it to him to end it. He doesn't want to be with a woman who only pretends to love him that way. He doesn't want a charade. You are wasting his time - valuable time. He sounds like a wonderful human being. He deserves to be given the opportunity to find someone else who will love him like he loves you. 

Here, let me illustrate. I want you to try on this story for size:

Imagine back to that first kiss. Imagine that instead of having the reaction you did, instead you felt sparks. Fireworks. A whole new woman was born with that kiss. And you fell deeply, deeply in love with him. He became your everything. Your knight in shining armor. And you dedicated your life to him. Years flew by. Everything just felt so right. You felt so right. You got married. You had kids with this man. You made a home, raised a family. You gave him your heart. Your soul. Your body. You trusted him implicitly. Knew every fiber of that man. And he was good to you. So good. Whenever you felt down or unlovable, he was there for you. The one person who didn't share your genes who truly loved you. Through thick and thin. Always. 

Now, imagine one day when you are in your 60's and you are packing up to move to an empty nester house now that the kids are off to college. You are packing up a closet and you find a little black book. Flipping through the pages you quickly discover it is his journal. You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself. You start to read. And you discover that while he thinks you are a wonderful human being, he pities you. He doesn't and has never loved you that way. It was all a shame. A ruse. A charade. He talks about how he detested touching your body when you had sex. How he felt like an actor around you. How the happiest moments of his life are when you were gone. And how he dreaded your inevitable return. How for decades he pretended to love you and he would give anything to just go back to that first kiss and leave it at that, just a kiss. Instead he spent his entire life fooling you that he loved you. He hates himself for it. Knowing he'll never find true love. And knowing that you won't either - but will always think you did. You'll go to your grave never being truly loved but hey, at least you'll think you were. 

How would that make you feel? Decades wasted. Your youth wasted. That all of that.... all of those years were a lie. You have lived a life, grown a family, dedicated yourself to... an actor. And not even a well paid actor. He didn't do it for your money, or your status. He did it out of... pity. Pity for you. And now, it is too late. Far too late to have the life you really wanted. Are your floored by his sacrifice? No! Do you see "honor" in what he did? What he stole from you? No! You feel anger. Rage. Loathing. You feel duped.  You are the ugly unpopular girl that gets voted Prom Queen as a joke. Except it didn't happen once, it happened every day for the last 20+ years and the really sad thing was, you never got the joke.  You thought you were really Prom Queen this whole time and that makes the joke even more outrageously funny. How couldn't you have seen it after all these years?!? OMG. And you bought into it. Oh you so bought into it!

You also feel emptier than any human ever could feel. There is nothing left of you. You feel as though a faint breeze could scatter what's left of you and a part of you wishes it would to end your suffering. 

Why didn't he just say something! Why didn't he just end this?! Oh the things you could have done. The person you could have been. The life you could led. Stolen. Robbed. Out of pity... In fact, that is the only thing you know is true - you're pitiful. That's the only thing you ever truly received - pity. Pity coated in an illusion. 

 

Fun times.... best of luck.

Mrin

 

 

Edited by Mrin
  • Like 3
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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, cherry95 said:

I feel like if I end it now It would break his heart as we have been together for more than 5 years now and im pretty sure he is planning his life around marrying me and getting old with me.

It's going to break his heart when one day, something so completely innocuous is going to blow up the dam holding back your rage against him and in the ensuing deluge, you will say things that will certainly devastate him and hip him to the truth that you've been lying in his face every day for the past 5 years.

The truth will come to the surface when you can least afford it, so you'd be better off controlling when that truth breaks forth rather than circumstances out of your control forcing you into the truth... he will be hyper angry that you've not been authentic for 5 years.

You need to tell him tonight that you cannot do this any more--let him feel how he is going to feel. That's for him to resolve, not you. The answer isn't you live the rest of his life being miserable with him. It won't be fair to you, it won't be fair to him and it won't be fair to any children you two create.  Make sure your birth control is 1000% watertight.

Edited by kendahke
  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

You're not doing this guy any favors by staying with him.  It's more that you don't want to be the bad guy (gal), so actually more selfish on your part to continue this.  He deserves someone that can give him passion and love and you deserve someone with whom you feel the same.

Yes it'll break his heart, but it won't kill him and he'll learn from it.  I've learned from mine.  Every day you're with him is a day he could use to find someone that's right for him.

Edited by dramafreezone
  • Like 2
Posted

What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.

You have to end this charade now, because the truth shall set you free. 

  • Like 2
Posted
5 hours ago, cherry95 said:

I know it is entirely my fault, i am not claiming otherwise.And i'm not using my BF as someone said above - I have nothing to gain from the relationship.  I feel like if I end it now It would break his heart as we have been together for more than 5 years now and im pretty sure he is planning his life around marrying me and getting old with me. If I could turn back the time to when our relationships was like 1 year old I would end it without hesitation

 

See that part right there ? 
what about YOUR life? 
 

I can almost guarantee if you stand there at an altar or even get proposed to , you’ll wish you had done it even now. When you had the chance. While you have the chance. 
 

The longer you stay together , the longer you’re stopping both of you from meeting someone who’s a better match. That’s unfair on both of you to steal years away. 

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Posted (edited)

Why are you so afraid to be honest with him? What do you think will happen when you tell him that you do not want to be in a relationship with the man? 

The man will probably be disappointed but life goes on... He will survive and so will you. It is far better you tell him how you feel so that he has the opportunity to find another woman who loves him the way he deserves to be loved. Just think of the time you have taken from him - that is something to be upset about... Think of the time that you could have spent in a relationship that brought you happiness and joy. 

You say you feel “emotionally raped,” pretending to have feelings that you do not feel. If you feel this way it is by your own creation. Yet, even your title implies that you are somehow a victim, that you have no control here. ONLY YOU have the ability to change the situation. Do you have the courage to do what is honest, what is right? Personally, I wouldn’t let the sun go down before I made it right, if I was you...

Edited by BaileyB
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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, cherry95 said:

I know it is entirely my fault, i am not claiming otherwise.And i'm not using my BF as someone said above - I have nothing to gain from the relationship.  I feel like if I end it now It would break his heart as we have been together for more than 5 years now and im pretty sure he is planning his life around marrying me and getting old with me. If I could turn back the time to when our relationships was like 1 year old I would end it without hesitation

5 years is actually nothing to the rest of your (or his) life.  If you're not happy with a relationship with him, do yourself AND him a favor by ending it. 

The bigger issue I see is that that you are people pleaser to the nth degree, and you have a hard time saying no.  You can bear it for a time and just "let things run" without directions (whatever direction people take it) rather than at *your* own directions.  And you got yourself into the trouble you're in now.  It's definitely worth exploring why you feel like you owe it to him to stay in the relationship, even all the while 'pretending' to be happy.  It's either you are or ...you aren't.

I get that there is a sunk cost fallacy and everyone suffers from it to an extent, but pretending it to be happy is a whole other level.  It may be helpful to spend some time to figure out why you're fearful -- is it fear of breaking his heart, or something more?  Because IMHO, to live a lie that way you're doing it is, in many ways, worse than the break up itself.  Best of luck.

Edited by spiritedaway2003
typo
Posted

Oh no, my heart breaks for you OP. I've been through something resembling that experience before (though the guilt part wasn't the whole relationship, it was a lot longer than it needed to be).

There are multiple ways to approach this with the same conclusion, but some just add to the guilt, and by inference makes it even harder to leave. The only way I can think of that may motivate you is that you are living your life for yourself, not for him. And that is true for any relationship - sure, all relationships require work, but being in a good relationship is fulfilling to you. And being in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the other person is giving all your sense of self to them - which is worse than being single.

If you break up with him now, it is not unlikely that it will be as bad as you think. But it WILL get better over time, trust in that process. But if you don't leave, the pain you feel now will be drawn out for a very long time.

  • Like 1
Posted

You need to do this thing right now. Clean cut. I know you think the world will end, but I assure you it won't. You'll wake up tomorrow feeling amazing.

Posted (edited)
18 hours ago, cherry95 said:

I know it is entirely my fault, i am not claiming otherwise.And i'm not using my BF as someone said above - I have nothing to gain from the relationship.  I feel like if I end it now It would break his heart as we have been together for more than 5 years now and im pretty sure he is planning his life around marrying me and getting old with me. If I could turn back the time to when our relationships was like 1 year old I would end it without hesitation

 

Why would you be with someone all those years you don't even like? Doesn't make any sense. 

Most people don't get past a couple of weeks/months at most  without ending a situation like that.

There must be something in it for you or was at some point. Never heard of anything like this before 

The way you talk about him is not on either. How you feel disgusted etc. 

End it now. 

Ps you aren't  the victim here.. he is.

Edited by peach302
  • Like 2
Posted
19 hours ago, cherry95 said:

Now I have created an illusion that has been going on for years and if I end it now it will be that much more devastating for him. So, I have made the decision to stay with him until the end of my or his life... 

Seriously?  You've decided that you are going to live like this the rest of your life, you are not even going to try to end this situation?  You are basically sacrificing your life in order to avoid hurting this guy's feelings.

You have some very, very deep low self-esteem issues.  I would tell you to "just break up with him" but from your post it's clear that you are not in a place to do that.  You really need to get into therapy ASAP,  start working on these issues, and then hopefully you can get out of this horrible situation and start actually living your life.

  • Like 3
Posted
1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

Seriously?  You've decided that you are going to live like this the rest of your life, you are not even going to try to end this situation?  You are basically sacrificing your life in order to avoid hurting this guy's feelings.

You have some very, very deep low self-esteem issues.  I would tell you to "just break up with him" but from your post it's clear that you are not in a place to do that.  You really need to get into therapy ASAP,  start working on these issues, and then hopefully you can get out of this horrible situation and start actually living your life.

She's  using him for whatever reason. 

  • Like 5
Posted

Seems more like seething contempt than pity. You know what to do. You just don't seem ready to.

  • Like 3
Posted

I do think that OP is getting something out of this situation or else she wouldn't have stayed for 5 years. I don't buy it that it's purely not to hurt him.

It could be a place to live or other forms of compensation, preferring companionship of anyone to being alone, enjoying the ego boost of being adored, all of the above. I have seen situations where the person in such relationship hides it from others and openly looks for another man to monkey branch to. Full on has flings and hook-ups and attempts at other relationships but they end up going nowhere and adoring bf is none the wiser.

  • Like 4
Posted

I agree with all the other posters. 
 

He is not doing this to you. You are doing this to yourself!
 

Your “hate” is misplaced. Stop using him and do the right thing.
 

Like the above poster I don’t buy it that you’re only staying with him because you don’t want to hurt him. You’re staying because you gain something from the relationship. There are reasons you stay with him, but they are the wrong reasons. 
 

Stop it and let him go. 

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

I was literally in your same exact shoes last fall. But I grew some balls, broke up with the guy, and ever since I did I’ve been much happier and everything’s been Gucci. For him too. Believe it or not, they’’ll get over us

Now  I’m dating a guy I am super stoked to see and makes me laugh  every other sentence. This could be you too , but you want to play. Break up with the poor dude

Edited by Shortskirtslonglashes
Posted
On 1/29/2021 at 8:10 AM, Eternal Sunshine said:

I do think that OP is getting something out of this situation or else she wouldn't have stayed for 5 years. I don't buy it that it's purely not to hurt him.

It could be a place to live or other forms of compensation, preferring companionship of anyone to being alone, enjoying the ego boost of being adored, all of the above. I have seen situations where the person in such relationship hides it from others and openly looks for another man to monkey branch to. Full on has flings and hook-ups and attempts at other relationships but they end up going nowhere and adoring bf is none the wiser.

 

10 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I agree with all the other posters. 
 

He is not doing this to you. You are doing this to yourself!
 

Your “hate” is misplaced. Stop using him and do the right thing.
 

Like the above poster I don’t buy it that you’re only staying with him because you don’t want to hurt him. You’re staying because you gain something from the relationship. There are reasons you stay with him, but they are the wrong reasons. 
 

Stop it and let him go. 

I agree with these posters, OP. You chose to be in this situation from the start. You also chose to stay with him for 5 years. He didn't force you to. 

This isn't about him at all. This is about you. Why are you staying with him? 

Posted (edited)

[redacted]
 

What ever you are i have to see never seen someone create his own issue and live so intense about it.😳😳👀.Be honest and get out!Its painful reading this how you feel you need to fake it to live it.

You probably adult, so the person you with is adult enough to handle a no and a breakup!

You made up a whole story in your mind hiw he will feel and act and live by it .

Just say in a honest ,but with respect for his heart!

Like hey you are a nice guy,and you been good to me,but i dont feel like this is what i want. Im sorry to tell you, but i dont wanna be in a relationship anymore.

And dont blame him.You created all this drama for no reason.

Next dont date!Seek therapy to find out why you do this kind of stuff and how to be honest and say no always when you dont want something.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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