SEA0926 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 Hey y’all, My boyfriend and I are in our mid twenties, both soon to be 29. I love him to death but he has been unemployed since COVID19 hit. He doesn’t try looking for jobs because he says he gets paid more on unemployment and says anyone else in his shoes would do the same. While that may be true - it’s starting to bug me! He has become very lazy and sleeps until noon daily. He doesn’t do anything productive with his time. He mainly plays video games and watches Netflix and some days go to a boxing class. We plan on getting a place together in the summer as we do not live together currently - he lives with his parents and I live on my own (I don’t like my current apartment so the plan is to move when my lease is up). I keep feeling anxious and nervous about the move in together because he has never lived on his own and mostly relies on his parents for everything. They even bought him a car. Sometimes I make remarks that it would be in his best interest to maybe start looking for a job or even find one paying cash so he can save it. He doesn’t really have a career yet because he claims he still isn’t sure what makes him happy (which is fine I guess but he doesn’t really put much thought into it in his time off) I suggested he seek therapy and he claims I shouldn’t force him to do that. He quit an addiction months ago and has since fell into a slump. I just think it’s important to find support rather than do nothing at all.... The other day he was supposed to take me to a medical procedure I was extremely nervous about. He ended up fracturing his pinky toe in his boxing class but still said he would take me. The morning of the procedure (8am) he called me and said he’s in so much pain and can’t walk. I ended up telling him it’s fine, I’ll take myself. He ended up going back to sleep until almost noon. Then went to the hospital. I told him I was really upset by that because it seemed like he just wanted to sleep. If his toe was that important, he should’ve gone right when he woke up? I have sympathy for the situation but I just feel like the main culprit here is laziness. My birthday is coming up and we had a trip planned (driving trip) and he told me he doesn’t know if he can go now. I told him it’s just his pinky toe! I’ve seen people continue on with their daily lives over a fractured toe. Any thoughts on this? He claims that once his unemployment is over he will work again and everything will be fine. He told me I should believe in him. (I’m finding it difficult)
FMW Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 It sounds like he has no ambition, no drive, he's just drifting along. Don't trust that things will change once he runs out of unemployment benefits, he's showing who he is right now. Don't move in with him, you'll end up supporting him while he continues to sleep until noon and play video games. 1
Happy Lemming Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 22 minutes ago, SEA0926 said: I live on my own (I don’t like my current apartment so the plan is to move when my lease is up). I keep feeling anxious and nervous about the move in together because he has never lived on his own and mostly relies on his parents for everything. My advice... don't sign a long term lease with this guy (if you do move into together). Look for a month-to-month, apartment. I got a bad feeling if you move into together, you'll become "his parents" and will have to take care of all manner of things for this guy. With most month to month leases, you give 30 days notice and you can get out. 1
ShyViolet Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 Tying yourself to this guy financially or by moving in together is a horrible idea. I'm sorry but honestly, this guy sounds like a loser. He's in his mid 20's and has no job, no career goals, he's irresponsible, he's lazy, he doesn't take care of himself, his parents do everything for him. He sounds like an oversized child. Why are you still with this guy? Where is your self-respect? I'm sure you can do better than this. 4
flitzanu Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 tell him you can't have sex with him because you don't want to risk hurting his toe any further and you'll have to wait 6 weeks for the break to heal. 4
trident_2020 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 Don't move in with him until he's got a full time job. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 4 hours ago, SEA0926 said: he lives with his parents and I live on my own Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? He seems too spoiled and irresponsible to continue dating. Unfortunately, he needs a babysitter, not a relationship. 1
kendahke Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 5 hours ago, SEA0926 said: we do not live together currently - he lives with his parents and I live on my own Keep it that way... he's not going to change if his attitude is to sit around not working while being an able bodied adult. He can get a app gig to at least show he's doing something to bring money in... the unemployment is going to eventually run out--and he's supposed to be demonstrating he's looking for work while on UI, not sitting on his ass playing video games. He's still a child living off of mommy and daddy's dime--you need a grown man for this adult world you're living in. This has nothing to do with believing in him--that's a manipulation tactic. Tell him you're from Missouri--show me. 1
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) He's not going to budge. So there is nothing you can do to about him. But this should be a warning/big red flag to you. He has very poor work ethics, unmotivated, lazy, and which would lead to question how reliable would he ever be with a mortgage, running a household, doing his fair share of the chores, how responsible would he be over all with raising kids, and adult responsibilities. To me this is a dealbreaker. His self entitlement to sit on the government's handout is awful. Edited January 28, 2021 by smackie9 2
Ami1uwant Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 He’d survive with an amputated pinky so he coukd have still went with you. Maybe there was a 2 for 1 special...
Fox Sake Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 It can be very depressing living with parents. I remember doing it twice in my adult life. So who knows how that’s effecting him? I’ll give you some positive advice. If you love him to death then I would suggest pushing him into pursuing his hobbies as a career before you decide if it’s for you. Plenty of chance for him to push his gameplay on YouTube and Twitch. If he’s any good and makes decent content he can make money from what he likes doing. It’s not an easy road , but it’s very possible if you’re clever and dedicated. 1
Acacia98 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 7 hours ago, SEA0926 said: Any thoughts on this? He claims that once his unemployment is over he will work again and everything will be fine. He told me I should believe in him. (I’m finding it difficult) I'm thinking several things here. I'm thinking he's depressed or he smokes weed or both. I'm also thinking there's nothing you can do to help him. The motivation to change has to come from within him. And the effort to change has to come from him. So your doing things for him is not going to help him. I think he's actually making things very easy for you: giving you an easy out. You should take it. He's not going to make the effort to keep your relationship going. So let him not take a trip with you. He's not going to look for a job today... and he sure won't look for one tomorrow, next month, or next year. So let him play his video games. What you see is what you get. So let him do what he wants to. And resist the temptation to step in and take over his responsibilities. Don't pay his rent, pay for his utilities or buy his groceries (i.e. don't let him move in with you). Stop expressing concern about his habits; stop giving him advice. Just disengage and allow the relationship to fade. I very strongly suspect he will allow you to. He may engage in some half-hearted efforts to manipulate you, but his heart really isn't in the relationship. 5
Versacehottie Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 A++ for the thread title very original! Lol, that it echoes what is actually going on i guess is just more added fun. Um, ok seriously, I can imagine why it bothered you so much the timing of his broken pinkie toe: Is it because he's highly unmotivated, unhelpful and when it came to the one small thing you needed in terms of support, he opted out crying "broken pinkie toe:???!!! I mean... It's even worse that it was the pinkie toe vs any other!! Shows the depth of his incapability. This is a crystal ball into your future and at least you are aware enough to be bothered by it. I think cut your losses right now and move on. He might be a decent guy deep down but he's years behind you and it's a total gamble if he has it in his character to EVER becoming the type of adult you should risk your own future on. That should be how you make this decision. I think it's a no brainer. If you are fed up now, imagine if you were living together, imagine if you were married, imagine if you had kids and you were carrying the weight of the both of you at all these stages. Good luck 1
Watercolors Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 2 hours ago, flitzanu said: tell him you can't have sex with him because you don't want to risk hurting his toe any further and you'll have to wait 6 weeks for the break to heal.
Watercolors Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 14 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: I'm thinking several things here. I'm thinking he's depressed or he smokes weed or both. I'm also thinking there's nothing you can do to help him. The motivation to change has to come from within him. And the effort to change has to come from him. So your doing things for him is not going to help him. I think he's actually making things very easy for you: giving you an easy out. You should take it. He's not going to make the effort to keep your relationship going. So let him not take a trip with you. He's not going to look for a job today... and he sure won't look for one tomorrow, next month, or next year. So let him play his video games. What you see is what you get. So let him do what he wants to. And resist the temptation to step in and take over his responsibilities. Don't pay his rent, pay for his utilities or buy his groceries (i.e. don't let him move in with you). Stop expressing concern about his habits; stop giving him advice. Just disengage and allow the relationship to fade. I very strongly suspect he will allow you to. He may engage in some half-hearted efforts to manipulate you, but his heart really isn't in the relationship. Acacia I think your predictions about the OP's boyfriend are spot on. She's his mommy and his bank and his living sex doll, all rolled into one. My prediction is that the OP enables him in ALL of those ways, because she doesn't know any better. Well, sometimes the only way to learn is the hard way OP. One day you'll find yourself broke b/c your loser boyfriend spent his rent money that you gave him, on weed or online gambling, for all we know. You'll enable him, b/c at your core you're a caretaker and you think that if you are responsible, that your boyfriend will love and appreciate you because of all that you do for him. *BUZZER SOUND* Nope. What you're doing is coddling and reinforcing your boyfriend's irresponsible behavior, b/c you don't enforce any consequences with him. You just choose to put up with everything that he does..."because you love him." Right? OP, there are over 3 billion single men on earth as of 2021. The male you've chosen to chain yourself to for your self-inflicted indentured servitude couldn't care less about your feelings and he sure as hell doesn't respect you. So, please stop deluding yourself to even think he loves you. A guy who stubs his toe would still take his girlfriend to the hospital for her procedure if he respected and loved her. That's just common sense. Figure out why you are codependent then dump his unemployed butt. And don't jump from guy to guy, until you figure out why you choose emotionally unavailable guys to take care of. 3
peach302 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, SEA0926 said: Hey y’all, My boyfriend and I are in our mid twenties, both soon to be 29. I love him to death but he has been unemployed since COVID19 hit. He doesn’t try looking for jobs because he says he gets paid more on unemployment and says anyone else in his shoes would do the same. While that may be true - it’s starting to bug me! He has become very lazy and sleeps until noon daily. He doesn’t do anything productive with his time. He mainly plays video games and watches Netflix and some days go to a boxing class. We plan on getting a place together in the summer as we do not live together currently - he lives with his parents and I live on my own (I don’t like my current apartment so the plan is to move when my lease is up). I keep feeling anxious and nervous about the move in together because he has never lived on his own and mostly relies on his parents for everything. They even bought him a car. Sometimes I make remarks that it would be in his best interest to maybe start looking for a job or even find one paying cash so he can save it. He doesn’t really have a career yet because he claims he still isn’t sure what makes him happy (which is fine I guess but he doesn’t really put much thought into it in his time off) I suggested he seek therapy and he claims I shouldn’t force him to do that. He quit an addiction months ago and has since fell into a slump. I just think it’s important to find support rather than do nothing at all.... The other day he was supposed to take me to a medical procedure I was extremely nervous about. He ended up fracturing his pinky toe in his boxing class but still said he would take me. The morning of the procedure (8am) he called me and said he’s in so much pain and can’t walk. I ended up telling him it’s fine, I’ll take myself. He ended up going back to sleep until almost noon. Then went to the hospital. I told him I was really upset by that because it seemed like he just wanted to sleep. If his toe was that important, he should’ve gone right when he woke up? I have sympathy for the situation but I just feel like the main culprit here is laziness. My birthday is coming up and we had a trip planned (driving trip) and he told me he doesn’t know if he can go now. I told him it’s just his pinky toe! I’ve seen people continue on with their daily lives over a fractured toe. Any thoughts on this? He claims that once his unemployment is over he will work again and everything will be fine. He told me I should believe in him. (I’m finding it difficult) So many red flags here. Why you waiting on him to change. It looks like it will take a hell of a long time. Isn't it better to just be single than be attached to someone like him. He's not putting any effort into you ..exactly like the other areas of his life. He doesn't seem to care about much...or your Relationship. Edited January 28, 2021 by peach302
snowboy91 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 47 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: I'm thinking several things here. I'm thinking he's depressed or he smokes weed or both. Without evidence I wouldn't assume the latter. The former? Possibly - but either way he is lacking motivation to do anything other than sleep and play games. His parents are enabling him to live without responsibility, as are you. Sure, it's one thing to not know what to do with your career that makes you happy, but unfortunately for some of us we won't work it out until much later in life - and one simply cannot continue to mooch off their parents or partner until they work it out. Even with some menial, part time job, you will learn things about yourself that will help you find out what makes you happy - and it also feels great to stand up on your own two feet. And I know he says he will work again once his unemployment is over, but he needs to be taking steps now to make that happen. As they say, if nothing changes, nothing changes. 52 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: Just disengage and allow the relationship to fade. I very strongly suspect he will allow you to. Disengage, sure, but I don't think a slow fade is a good idea. You're just drawing out the inevitable.
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