LoveEK Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 Before I get to my question, I have been struggling with some mental issues now for a bit. Covid, two miscarriages, a break up earlier in the year, moved to a new town, went through a couple jobs... 2020 was rough. I go through these little spurts where I don’t have the desire to talk to many people besides my son and my customers at work. Yes I’m working on my mental health at the moment. I’m not in danger to myself or anyone, just so everyone knows. Unfortunately, anytime I go into these spurts, I tend to shut my boyfriend out. I call, text and see him less. Like I said it’s not just him though, my mom and I seem to talk less when I feel like this too which is sad but again it’s how I feel. My boyfriend has a really hard time with me when I’m like this however it’s strange to me. He’s constantly getting frustrated with me because we talk less and he misses me yet, he doesn’t ever call me. I’m not an overly big phone person but when I’m feeling happier, I do pick up the phone more and I do try to see him more but even when I slow down on calling, he doesn’t call at all. I guess I’m just wondering why is it that he gets irritated with me when we talk less but doesn’t call me? If you want to talk to me this much then make it happen! Why is he like this?
Acacia98 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 I don't know why he's that way. I don't have enough contextual information to tell. Has he always been that way? Was there ever a time he'd pick up the phone and call you? Does he ever initiate any kind of communication with you? And do you two usually communicate freely and openly with each other?
littleblackheart Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 Difficult to know without more details, but it sounds like he is giving you what you want, ie time on your own. How is he to know when is ok to call you? Do you give him warning that you need some time out? I'm the same, fyi. I go through spurts when I don't really want to talk to a lot of people. It's really hard on the people who love you and want to be there for you. That's what I've discovered. I've actually been told in so many words. It's a balancing act for sure, at least in my case, because I genuinely need time alone. What I do is make myself call more anyway and show the people I care about them that I do care about them. Could your bf feel a bit neglected? Try and send him occasional thoughtful messages telling him you love him and miss him, explain to him you don't mean to shut him out but you need this time to recharge. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 If he feels shut out by you, I can't see why you think he would call. He probably thinks you don't want to talk to him, OP. My guess is that he's trying not to bother you when you are indirectly sending him the message that you don't wish to communicate. He's mirroring you. 1
Be Cool Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 4 hours ago, LoveEK said: Before I get to my question, I have been struggling with some mental issues now for a bit. Covid, two miscarriages, a break up earlier in the year, moved to a new town, went through a couple jobs... 2020 was rough. I go through these little spurts where I don’t have the desire to talk to many people besides my son and my customers at work. Yes I’m working on my mental health at the moment. I’m not in danger to myself or anyone, just so everyone knows. Unfortunately, anytime I go into these spurts, I tend to shut my boyfriend out. I call, text and see him less. Like I said it’s not just him though, my mom and I seem to talk less when I feel like this too which is sad but again it’s how I feel. My boyfriend has a really hard time with me when I’m like this however it’s strange to me. He’s constantly getting frustrated with me because we talk less and he misses me yet, he doesn’t ever call me. I’m not an overly big phone person but when I’m feeling happier, I do pick up the phone more and I do try to see him more but even when I slow down on calling, he doesn’t call at all. I guess I’m just wondering why is it that he gets irritated with me when we talk less but doesn’t call me? If you want to talk to me this much then make it happen! Why is he like this? I agree that your guy is mirroring you. And you even said that you "tend to shut your boyfriend out" during these periods. So it's not too surprising that he simply gives you what you want - to be left alone.
basil67 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 You shut him out, so it’s logical that he would feel that a call to you would be unwelcome. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 Sorry this is happening. You've been through a lot and some medical and psychological support could help. It's ok to pull back and reflect or process or chill, if you need to. Are your mother or BF particularly annoying? Or do you just want space? Or do you feel numb, shut down and withdrawing?
Maldives Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 This is very simple I'm surprised you don't see it. The fact you talk less in turn he throws his guard and walls up 1
Versacehottie Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 Because he is the one make all/the real effort. You come and go as you please about the relationship. It's too one sided. That's why he doesn't reach out--probably doesn't know which version of you he will reach and if you will be in the headspace to be what he needs as well at that point. He's probably tired of disappointment after disappointment. It's discouraging. I know you are saying you are getting help. Perhaps it's not the best time to have a boyfriend. No one deep down wants to only be a crutch. Good luck
BaileyB Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 On 1/28/2021 at 1:56 AM, ExpatInItaly said: He probably thinks you don't want to talk to him, OP. My guess is that he's trying not to bother you when you are indirectly sending him the message that you don't wish to communicate. He's mirroring you. I agree with this. My partner has issues with sleep. And when he’s not sleeping well, he is tired, he is grumpy, and he wants to be alone. My response in this situation is to withdraw and do my own thing - and I get grumpy and annoyed with him sometimes. When he sleeps well, we are all good - he is happy and because of that, I am happy. We absolutely mirror each other in this way. It would be unreasonable to expect him to call and want to talk with you when you are withdrawing and pushing him away. I’m sorry to hear that 2020 has been so difficult. Here’s hoping for a healthier and more peaceful 2021. 1
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 He's not a mind reader.....if you wish for him to reach out and be supportive during these times, then tell him. Pretty simple....communication.
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