little paris Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 Hi, new member here! I'm in a situation where I feel I need to have a discussion about issues regarding my body (particularly in the bedroom) with the guy I was sexually active with on the weekend. I say this because I've always had feelings for him, and if he's starting to like me too, I want to give him some insight. We are not a couple at present. A few days ago we saw each other for the first time in about a year. Covid lockdowns affected this. We have always been friends, kissed only once in the past but that never affected our friendship. Anyway, as expected there were fireworks when we saw each other again and we ended up in the bedroom. We went as far as oral intercourse (he loved it and told me so), no penetration as I tick all of the boxes for vaginismus - a condition where my pelvic floor is overactive and muscles clench up, rendering it almost impossible for penetrative intercourse. I struggle inserting tampons, for some context. I have my first gynaecological appointment tomorrow as I really want to tackle this issue with my body before it gets in the way of my relationships. Yes relationships aren't all about sex, but it's naive to think it's not a big part. I'm also doing this for my confidence. I want to talk to him about it because when we attempted sex, it obviously didn't happen. He was amazing about it, so kind and he cuddled me to sleep. I know what to say in conversation, but I'm weary of scaring him away since we aren't a couple and it's typically things a couple would discuss, not two friends who get physical. Though, I can't help but think that if I gave him insight into my body, it may mean we make progress especially if he likes me more than a friend (big if, not getting carried away here) What specifically do I say to him about the gynaecologist and vaginismus if that's my confirmed diagnosis? I know in my heart of hearts we need to chat about it and I've decided on that, I just don't know how to approach this conversation. Feedback would be great!
winny Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 You should wait for the doctor’s opinion before drawing conclusions. When I first tried having sex.. the guy was not able to penetrate for the first 5 to 6 times and I thought something is wrong with my vagina. i was so upset and scared. Actually I was just nervous and causing the muscles to tense up. I also realized that the guy wasn’t turning me on enough for natural lubrication to happen. And thats why penetration was not being successful. I never went to doctor.. just tried to relax my mind.. that resolved the problem. so there is a chance this is all in your mind.hope doctor gives a positive answer.
Author little paris Posted January 28, 2021 Author Posted January 28, 2021 7 minutes ago, winny said: You should wait for the doctor’s opinion before drawing conclusions. When I first tried having sex.. the guy was not able to penetrate for the first 5 to 6 times and I thought something is wrong with my vagina. i was so upset and scared. Actually I was just nervous and causing the muscles to tense up. I also realized that the guy wasn’t turning me on enough for natural lubrication to happen. And thats why penetration was not being successful. I never went to doctor.. just tried to relax my mind.. that resolved the problem. so there is a chance this is all in your mind.hope doctor gives a positive answer. Thanks for your response. I understand not drawing conclusions, however I know my body and even when not having sex, I struggle with things like tampons and vaginal check ups where doctors need to insert different implements. There is definitely a wall or barrier there. I was really in the mood over the weekend and we engaged in foreplay for a while. After a provisional chat with the doctor, they suspect it. I just don't know how to approach this talk with him without coming off as a couples chat.
Wiseman2 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 9 hours ago, little paris said: I have my first gynaecological appointment tomorrow as I really want to tackle this issue with my body before it gets in the way of my relationships. Wait until you see the doctor. See what's going on first before you talk to him. Also ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Often there's a physiological as well as psychological component. Perhaps you need to slow down and be in a relationship first. This type of medical/psychological discussion is too heavy for just hooking up. Also don't just provide oral in a FWB type of way, if what you want is a solid exclusive relationship.
Author little paris Posted January 28, 2021 Author Posted January 28, 2021 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Wait until you see the doctor. See what's going on first before you talk to him. Also ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Often there's a physiological as well as psychological component. Perhaps you need to slow down and be in a relationship first. This type of medical/psychological discussion is too heavy for just hooking up. Also don't just provide oral in a FWB type of way, if what you want is a solid exclusive relationship. I'm not saying anything until I am examined at the doctor. He's the only person I want to be sexually active with. I don't do one night stands or random hook-ups but as you said it is a heavy subject for people who aren't together. Either way it's playing on my mind. Maybe if he knew some background it could change our dynamic in a way, or he just won't care. Could go either way. I don't know why but part of me thinks after all this time we would be together if my body worked like a normal women's.
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 I think you need to get all your information from the doctor first...not just diagnosis, but treatment options, and a discussion about being sexually active with your partner. There might be temporary options, until you go through the treatment process. Once you have all this, then you can inform him about it, what treatment you need to do, and how long before it works, and what you can do in the meantime.
Ami1uwant Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 You need to talk to the doctor and find out what it is. Is it physical or mental? did you previously have sex without a problem? sex is important in a relationship. This woukd make things very difficult.
Author little paris Posted January 28, 2021 Author Posted January 28, 2021 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: I think you need to get all your information from the doctor first...not just diagnosis, but treatment options, and a discussion about being sexually active with your partner. There might be temporary options, until you go through the treatment process. Once you have all this, then you can inform him about it, what treatment you need to do, and how long before it works, and what you can do in the meantime. He and I aren't a couple though, he's just someone I've had feelings for for a long time and although in my mind it's a valid conversation since he's the only sexual partner I want, would the conversation be off-putting to a guy from a girl he isn't exclusive with?
Author little paris Posted January 28, 2021 Author Posted January 28, 2021 58 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: You need to talk to the doctor and find out what it is. Is it physical or mental? did you previously have sex without a problem? sex is important in a relationship. This woukd make things very difficult. I agree. I think it's physical as mentally I want to have sex but there's that physiological barrier. I've never been able to have sex so I have put it off, also wanted to wait until it was with someone I cared about. Now i have fallen for him and want to get this treated so we can potentially have that dynamic, I just don't know how to talk to him about it since we aren't a couple
snowboy91 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 I wouldn't call a discussion about sex a "couple" chat at all. It's a discussion about the reality of the situation and an attempt to ensure both of you get maximal pleasure from each other. It's not all that different from describing the things each of you like in the bedroom, or saying when you're on your period and whether it makes sex off limits, etc. He sounds like a really respectful guy so I don't think you'll easily scare him away with the details of your body. 1
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 53 minutes ago, little paris said: He and I aren't a couple though, he's just someone I've had feelings for for a long time and although in my mind it's a valid conversation since he's the only sexual partner I want, would the conversation be off-putting to a guy from a girl he isn't exclusive with? If he wants to keep having sexual interaction with you, yes. No it won't be off putting if he still gets sex. 1
winny Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 1 hour ago, little paris said: He and I aren't a couple though, he's just someone I've had feelings for for a long time and although in my mind it's a valid conversation since he's the only sexual partner I want, would the conversation be off-putting to a guy from a girl he isn't exclusive with? Its a medical condition (if the doctor confirms). Its not your fault. If he gets turned off by it then so be it. You put your health issue first and care of it. There are many fishes in the sea.
Ami1uwant Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 1 hour ago, little paris said: I agree. I think it's physical as mentally I want to have sex but there's that physiological barrier. I've never been able to have sex so I have put it off, also wanted to wait until it was with someone I cared about. Now i have fallen for him and want to get this treated so we can potentially have that dynamic, I just don't know how to talk to him about it since we aren't a couple since you have not had sex yet, that is part of the issue. im a guy, I’ll let the women talk about first few times having sex experirnce and soreness from it. my ex wife had some issues with this. She wanted sex but she complained of soreness after and she went to the DR to find out what was wrong and they could find anything. They even wondered if I was at fault for having rough sex with her. have you stimulated yourself?
Pumaza Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 Focus on your health.Sex is not important. Let him know you not into sex now. 1
deepthinking Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 (edited) What will he say to you if/when you tell him? You are to embark on a difficult admission made harder by not knowing his response. Edited January 29, 2021 by deepthinking
BaileyB Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 5 hours ago, little paris said: He and I aren't a couple though, he's just someone I've had feelings for for a long time and although in my mind it's a valid conversation since he's the only sexual partner I want, would the conversation be off-putting to a guy from a girl he isn't exclusive with? Do you want to be exclusive with the guy? Does he want to be exclusive with you - or is he dating other women?
ShyViolet Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 Since you are not even dating this guy and have only hooked up with him once, there's no need for you to explain anything to him at this point. Who knows if this relationship will even progress or get off the ground. However, if you do see him again, I would mention it the next time you and him are in the bedroom. Just say something like "so I have a medical condition where it's difficult and uncomfortable for me to have penetrative intercourse. I'm going to the doctor to hopefully find a solution. In the meantime I am really attracted to you, and there are lots of other things we can do in the bedroom." Don't turn it into some huge serious conversation, just keep it simple and basic, and then ask him what he likes to do other than penetrative intercourse. If he gets scared off or weird about this, then he's not the guy for you and he doesn't deserve you.
d0nnivain Posted January 29, 2021 Posted January 29, 2021 15 hours ago, little paris said: I just don't know how to talk to him about it since we aren't a couple You talk to him in a straightforward manner IN PERSON. Do not even attempt to have this discussion via text. That will be a disaster. You give him facts about your condition & you tell him how sexy & desirable he is. Once you have the info from the doctor invite him over for dinner & then explain your issue to him. Follow it with some oral so he knows you want sex with him even if penetration won't happen soon.
Author little paris Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/30/2021 at 12:18 AM, d0nnivain said: You talk to him in a straightforward manner IN PERSON. Do not even attempt to have this discussion via text. That will be a disaster. You give him facts about your condition & you tell him how sexy & desirable he is. Once you have the info from the doctor invite him over for dinner & then explain your issue to him. Follow it with some oral so he knows you want sex with him even if penetration won't happen soon. Oh no, I would NEVER discuss this over text. Doctor confirmed my suspicions, it's a medical ailment regarding my pelvic floor and therefore causing the inability right now to have intercourse. It's treatable, however. I know he would be really respectful in person when I discuss this, that doesn't make me nervous. I guess I'm just nervous to make the plan in general.
Author little paris Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/30/2021 at 12:18 AM, ShyViolet said: Since you are not even dating this guy and have only hooked up with him once, there's no need for you to explain anything to him at this point. Who knows if this relationship will even progress or get off the ground. However, if you do see him again, I would mention it the next time you and him are in the bedroom. Just say something like "so I have a medical condition where it's difficult and uncomfortable for me to have penetrative intercourse. I'm going to the doctor to hopefully find a solution. In the meantime I am really attracted to you, and there are lots of other things we can do in the bedroom." Don't turn it into some huge serious conversation, just keep it simple and basic, and then ask him what he likes to do other than penetrative intercourse. If he gets scared off or weird about this, then he's not the guy for you and he doesn't deserve you. I hear you, but sex could prevent this from getting off the ground where in other cases we might have made more progress in our relationship if my body was more accomodating. Now I know that a genuine guy will want you regardless, however sex plays a big part in relationship dynamics. Giving him insight to the situation might help, it might not, but at least he will know the full picture - that's my rationale for now. It's a chat I want to have in person, it won't be a text thing. I definitely agree with you that if we are in the bedroom again it must come up. I'll keep it as calm and casual as can be. Doctor confirmed what I thought it was.
Author little paris Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/29/2021 at 1:56 PM, BaileyB said: Do you want to be exclusive with the guy? Does he want to be exclusive with you - or is he dating other women? Yes, I always have wanted to be exclusive but I am keeping my cards close to my chest right now. It's also why I'm weary of not being too intimate with him before I chat to him about my pelvic diagnosis. I don't want to set any sort of friends with benefits precedent as it's notoriously difficult to navigate out of that once it's set. Once upon a time we agreed to be just friends, though getting physical again as we did changes that. On his end it could be platonic, he never mentions other women to me. Until I chat to him about this ailment and my treatment, I won't know
Author little paris Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/29/2021 at 1:21 PM, deepthinking said: What will he say to you if/when you tell him? You are to embark on a difficult admission made harder by not knowing his response. I'm not sure what he will say. However I know he would be respectful and nice about it, he isn't an obnoxious or rude person socially. What he does with the info is anybodys guess
Author little paris Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/29/2021 at 9:48 AM, smackie9 said: If he wants to keep having sexual interaction with you, yes. No it won't be off putting if he still gets sex. Fair point. Definitely a conversation I'll have, ideally in person. Doctor diagnosed a pelvic floor issue, directly correlated to sex being a challenge He'll definitely respond in kind in person, it's more so getting him over for a chat without alarming him.
Author little paris Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/29/2021 at 9:42 AM, snowboy91 said: I wouldn't call a discussion about sex a "couple" chat at all. It's a discussion about the reality of the situation and an attempt to ensure both of you get maximal pleasure from each other. It's not all that different from describing the things each of you like in the bedroom, or saying when you're on your period and whether it makes sex off limits, etc. He sounds like a really respectful guy so I don't think you'll easily scare him away with the details of your body. I hear you! Doctor confirmed a pelvic floor issue and it's what's essentially causing the intercourse block. Treatable fortunately. He is really respectful in person and wouldn't make me uncomfortable, what I'm more so nervous about is getting him over to chat without alarming him
Author little paris Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/29/2021 at 10:43 AM, Ami1uwant said: since you have not had sex yet, that is part of the issue. im a guy, I’ll let the women talk about first few times having sex experirnce and soreness from it. my ex wife had some issues with this. She wanted sex but she complained of soreness after and she went to the DR to find out what was wrong and they could find anything. They even wondered if I was at fault for having rough sex with her. have you stimulated yourself? Yes I have Doctor said that it doesn't matter how often you do or don't have sex, it barely impacts on the size or width of your area. A lot of it comes from an inability to relax mentally and then the physical muscles follow suit.
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