curly Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 OK we all know what's the right thing to do. What we should have done right away, walk away, no run screaming like a serial killer was coming for us (which is what my MM told me even b4 I knew he was married). But once we buy in, is there ever a moment of clarity for us? After the buy in, I think we give up all hope for a "healthy" relationship. We realize this is going to be tough deal. Are we the women who are desperate? Or are we just too far in that we can't smell the coffee? I saw the writing on the wall so, so, soooooo, many times but couldn't let go. Am I blind in love, have too much hope, so in love, too high in the romance, drama? Just wondering....... What's a healthy relationship anyway? I have friends that I thought at the wedding. this is a marriage made in heaven. & now, it's not that great. & I really wonder what will happen once the kids get older and it gets harder. Anyone else see this? Is anyone that put together? I say this because I think we, the OW, get so down on ourselves and I really think it's very rare to get a perfect relationship.
megabit15 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 OK we all know what's the right thing to do. What we should have done right away, walk away, no run screaming like a serial killer was coming for us (which is what my MM told me even b4 I knew he was married). But once we buy in, is there ever a moment of clarity for us? After the buy in, I think we give up all hope for a "healthy" relationship. We realize this is going to be tough deal. Are we the women who are desperate? Or are we just too far in that we can't smell the coffee? I saw the writing on the wall so, so, soooooo, many times but couldn't let go. Am I blind in love, have too much hope, so in love, too high in the romance, drama? Just wondering....... What's a healthy relationship anyway? I have friends that I thought at the wedding. this is a marriage made in heaven. & now, it's not that great. & I really wonder what will happen once the kids get older and it gets harder. Anyone else see this? Is anyone that put together? I say this because I think we, the OW, get so down on ourselves and I really think it's very rare to get a perfect relationship. Hi Curly, Those are good questions to ask yourself and I'm sure they will provide you many answers. Clarity gets harder to do the further you listen to the lies. Live and learn. I'm not sure whether a perfect relationship exists, but I do know from experience that I had 0% chance of one if I was involved with someone either as an OW or as a cheating MW. I would rather be alone than cause anyone (including myself) more pain than I already had done in the past. There is soooo much to do in life that does not leave people feeling like cr@p. My happiness is not more important than others, and my happiness is entirely up to me. Being involved in an EMA has never given me or anyone else happiness. How can one be happy when pain, guilt and shame are constant? For me, the stolen moments were based on the rush and yes, desperation, a lack of hope that there was anything better, and a belief that I was not capable or deserving of a more mature type of love. Looking back, I never seemed to care who I hurt as long as I was feeling instant gratification of my needs. It was a very selfish perspective. There are wonderful relationships that are not based on *feeling* happy or excited 100% (or even 80%) of the time. I think it is an unreasonable expectation that no one can live up to. Love is a decision and includes the ability to see beyond personal gratification. There are other ways of feeling excitement and happiness that do not cause so much pain to yourself or others. Skydiving comes to mind I understand when you say that looking at the marriages you see leaves you feeling like that is not what you want for your life. You can use this information to decide what *will* work for you and work towards that.
Hot Coco Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Yes, perhaps it IS rare as you say but why choose to go into something, as the previous poster pointed out where there's really have NO chance at a happy outcome. It's all a crapshoot. I see your point there. But for my money, I'd rather gamble on something with the best odds (not the WORST!)
augur Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Ok, for starters - I feel that if anyone is in search of a "perfect relationship" you are just setting yourself up for disappointment (ok, I am paraphrasing mega, aren’t I). You may want to try to look at relationships as an extension of yourself. Do you know anyone that has had a perfect life? Are you Perfect? Of course not, nobody is. No fault, no blame. That being said, if a relationship is an extension of ones self, working on yourself is the best place to start. This very well may help you see patterns in your life that would be beneficial for you to change to make your life better, and as a result, your relationships as well. This is something that is so easy to say but extremely difficult to turn from theory into practice.
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