Met an amazing guy but wondering if he has too much going on to date properly?

[Menara]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Casual vs. serious I think is the main issue. The scheduling and availability pretty much forces a casual situation. Would you be okay not being exclusive?

I don't mind not being exclusive to start with. I'm definitely seeing other people at the moment, but I actually don't think that he is. 

I don't want to be in a casual relationship for more than 3-4 months though. I don't mind things going slow, but I do want something more serious, especially something that down the line will involve seeing each other at least twice a week. I am not looking for a husband or someone to move in with for now. I have young kids and I don't intend on considering moving until they're much much older: their school is next door and so are their friends. And my place is just big enough for us, I couldn't have anyone move in with me. I also have a great job and a good income, and certainly don't need anyone to have a more comfortable life from a financial stand point. 

In that sense, I would be ok with a scenario where he has his life and I have mine, and we meet up twice a week by ourselves, and maybe down the road, if things go really well, introduce kids and do things together. Like a year down the road perhaps. But I do want someone that is willing to commit and will eventually consider me as his girlfriend (and eventually meet his friends and family etc.). And someone to go traveling with, do fun stuff together etc. 

Not sure that makes sense?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Menara said:

Well, I don't know if other countries are more organized, but I have actually found this impossible to track down.

Not after 2 dates. He already stated "only looking for casual" so this is way too heavy-handed. 

[Yosemite]

I think you're the other woman, but you don't know it yet.

Divorced people don't live together. He had casual listed on his profile because that's what he's looking for, something casual. What did you really expect him to say when you asked him about it? Of course he's not going to say that his plan is get into your pants and then ghost you.

I don't see why you can't suggest that you have dinner at his place next time (that's if you ever hear from him again.) If they've really been separated for 3 years, his wife should be willing to keep their daughter in some other part of the house while he makes you dinner.

All the excuses about he's too far away and doesn't have time for this or for that, sounds like a guy who's married who's trying to spend time with his mistress while also spending time with his wife and kids.

You need to find a way to confirm that he's divorced. And even if you find that confirmation, getting involved with a man who lives with his ex is going to lead to heartbreak for you...what if they get back together? 

[Trail Blazer]

This sounds suspicious.  I'm not sure he's telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

[Menara]

3 hours ago, Yosemite said:

I think you're the other woman, but you don't know it yet.

Divorced people don't live together. He had casual listed on his profile because that's what he's looking for, something casual. What did you really expect him to say when you asked him about it? Of course he's not going to say that his plan is get into your pants and then ghost you.

I don't see why you can't suggest that you have dinner at his place next time (that's if you ever hear from him again.) If they've really been separated for 3 years, his wife should be willing to keep their daughter in some other part of the house while he makes you dinner.

All the excuses about he's too far away and doesn't have time for this or for that, sounds like a guy who's married who's trying to spend time with his mistress while also spending time with his wife and kids.

You need to find a way to confirm that he's divorced. And even if you find that confirmation, getting involved with a man who lives with his ex is going to lead to heartbreak for you...what if they get back together? 

Actually, this is not really what has been going on.

1) I asked him about the casual almost right away when we first started chatting. From my experience, at this point of the communications guys tend to be pretty honest about this. I've started asking guys what they are looking for off the bat pretty much, and I've generally gotten pretty straight forward answers. 

2) He hasn't ghosted me at all. He has been communicating beautifully from the start. Very regular text messages that are thoughtful and interesting. He sends me photos of what he's doing, of his daughter skating etc. He's been very reliable on that front. And he's been consistent about wanting to see me again, and trying to find ways to make it work (even if it's super complicated).In fact, he has given me reasons his schedule is so complicated, but was suggesting finding ways to see me more like coming over at lunch time (although he works 30 minutes away) and I was the one who said that seemed a bit much. And then he asked if I was sure that I was not upset that he didn't have more availability this week.

3) as for the ex, I actually kind of believe his story. I wouldn't normally but my gut feeling tells me this guy isn't lying. He seems like a pretty genuine person that really couldn't bother playing games. I've done A LOT of dating, and have learned to be pretty good at sensing things. I often disregard my gut feeling, but when things fall apart I'm not surprised. 

In this case, actually my concern was not so much that he's not really interested or that he's lying. He seems to be a pretty honest, sensitive and considerate person. My concern is more that between his current living situation, his schedule and the distance between our two places, this is almost a bit like a long distance thing. So, my question was more whether it's worth investing into this. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I understand where you are coming from.  I am in a relationship with a nice guy that is going on 11 months.

I am trying to decide if I should continue as I don’t want to waste his time nor mine.  He is wonderful and I love him and care for him a lot.

BUT the question when I boil it down is whether I can thrive/flourish as a person by staying with him or if I will wilt.

Every relationship has a dynamic and you just need to be honest about that dynamic and how it affects you.

I do also struggle because I get attached and find it hard to walk away so sometimes I wish I would have walked away sooner instead of now struggling about staying or leaving.

I mention this to make a point.  Curiosity kills the cat.  You are curious to see where this goes but will you be able to walk away if you are not thriving.

it does sound very complicated. You may be addicted to the challenge? 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Living with the ex--cancel everything right then and there.

Look, half the time the couple is still sleeping together--even as they say they're "roommates."

But even if they're not having sex, which separated and couples do a lot more than imagined, you won't want someone who doesn't live separate from an ex. Period. No exceptions to the rule. 

 

[winny]

1 hour ago, Menara said:

Actually, this is not really what has been going on.

1) I asked him about the casual almost right away when we first started chatting. From my experience, at this point of the communications guys tend to be pretty honest about this. I've started asking guys what they are looking for off the bat pretty much, and I've generally gotten pretty straight forward answers. 

2) He hasn't ghosted me at all. He has been communicating beautifully from the start. Very regular text messages that are thoughtful and interesting. He sends me photos of what he's doing, of his daughter skating etc. He's been very reliable on that front. And he's been consistent about wanting to see me again, and trying to find ways to make it work (even if it's super complicated).In fact, he has given me reasons his schedule is so complicated, but was suggesting finding ways to see me more like coming over at lunch time (although he works 30 minutes away) and I was the one who said that seemed a bit much. And then he asked if I was sure that I was not upset that he didn't have more availability this week.

3) as for the ex, I actually kind of believe his story. I wouldn't normally but my gut feeling tells me this guy isn't lying. He seems like a pretty genuine person that really couldn't bother playing games. I've done A LOT of dating, and have learned to be pretty good at sensing things. I often disregard my gut feeling, but when things fall apart I'm not surprised. 

In this case, actually my concern was not so much that he's not really interested or that he's lying. He seems to be a pretty honest, sensitive and considerate person. My concern is more that between his current living situation, his schedule and the distance between our two places, this is almost a bit like a long distance thing. So, my question was more whether it's worth investing into this. 

How is 30-35 min drive long distance.. people drive more than that just to go to work daily. In fact this much distance is good. It allows for time apart and you don’t get too engulfed by a guy. 

Edited January 28, 2021 by winny

[introverted1]

It seems like you want to overlook the elephant in the room.  The complication here is not that he lives 30 minutes away (which is nothing) but that he lives with his ex and, as a result, can't have you come to his house nor can he easily leave his house to be with you.  This is definitely not normal for divorced couples:  they have separate residences and clear child custody arrangements.  None of that is in place here and that is what keeps you from being able to have a real relationship with this guy.  As to whether he actually wants something casual (as stated on his profile) or if that's just a reality of his (self-induced) situation, does it matter?  He's not truly available.

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Menara said:

 . My concern is more that between his current living situation, his schedule and the distance between our two places, this is almost a bit like a long distance thing. So, my question was more whether it's worth investing into this. 

No, not after 2 dates. From what you already know and the logistics of this, it's going to be nothing but headaches and heartaches.

[trident_2020]

10 hours ago, winny said:

How is 30-35 min drive long distance..

My sister is out of a long term marriage followed by a long term relationship that ended over 3 years ago. She has a hard time meeting guys and has been single since the end of the last relationship.

I suggested she make changes to her filter- mainly shorter guys, larger geographic distance.

She dropped the height requirement by an inch but wouldn't budge on the distance.

To her anything over 30 minutes is too far away. Makes no sense to me either but people have their limits.

 

[Be Cool]

Nobody ever has "too much going on to date properly". 

If he is not making an effort in "dating you properly", it simply means he's not that into you.

When people really WANT something, they'll find a way. If they don't, they'll find a reason. It's as simple as that.

[Menara]

To be honest, I'm not that concerned about the distance. I was dating this guy for a year after my separation and he lived in the exact same town. I know it well, know how to get there, and it's not an issue. The issue is more that given his situation it seems difficult to see each other frequently. I think introverted1 is right in saying that his situation is keeping us from having a real relationship. I know it's only been two dates (well, 3 dates tomorrow), and at this point seeing someone one day per week is completely fine. In fact, I even prefer it as I find it difficult when you meet someone and suddenly they take up all your time (this happened to me in the fall, it was overwhelming and that was one of the reasons I didn't pursue it). However, I don't want to invest of my time and emotional energy into someone (not to mention the possibility of falling in love which is definitely a possibility with this guy!) if I know that a year down the road we will still be at the same step that we were at on our second date.

Your comments have got me thinking that maybe I just need to have an honest conversation with him after like date 4 or something if things continue to go well. See if he has a plan with his ex? And if so, what's the timeline: when is he expecting her to move out, what steps has he taken to make that happen. Sometimes all you got to do is ask. If he gives a confused answer then perhaps what you are all saying that this situation is suspicious might be true. 

[Allupinnit]

I fear you've already gotten yourself too involved.  You've been intimate with him.

Why are you sleeping with a man who still lives with his ex-wife?  I don't buy his excuses for not being able to stay over - he's hiding you from her.

He knows that he can't give another woman anything substantial which is why he put "casual."  Don't complicate your life and your heart for someone who is still living as a married person with a family he goes home to every night.  No matter how he dresses it up with legal terms that's exactly what is happening.

[Allupinnit]

23 hours ago, Menara said:

I don't mind not being exclusive to start with. I'm definitely seeing other people at the moment, but I actually don't think that he is. 

I don't want to be in a casual relationship for more than 3-4 months though. I don't mind things going slow, but I do want something more serious, especially something that down the line will involve seeing each other at least twice a week. I am not looking for a husband or someone to move in with for now. I have young kids and I don't intend on considering moving until they're much much older: their school is next door and so are their friends. And my place is just big enough for us, I couldn't have anyone move in with me. I also have a great job and a good income, and certainly don't need anyone to have a more comfortable life from a financial stand point. 

In that sense, I would be ok with a scenario where he has his life and I have mine, and we meet up twice a week by ourselves, and maybe down the road, if things go really well, introduce kids and do things together. Like a year down the road perhaps. But I do want someone that is willing to commit and will eventually consider me as his girlfriend (and eventually meet his friends and family etc.). And someone to go traveling with, do fun stuff together etc. 

Not sure that makes sense?

Also, I don't mean to pile on but the fact that you're already thinking about alllll of this tells me you're WAY ahead of him.  This guy had CASUAL on his profile.  He hasn't even kicked out his "ex."

Pay attention to that niggling feeling saying DANGER AHEAD.  You've used the words "amazing" and "magical" already - falling in limerence takes no time at all and it's a VERY powerful drug.

[Lotsgoingon]

Converse with him?! About what? It's like conversing with a bomb that is ticking over there in the corner.

If he can't get away from his ex, on his own, on his own initiative, without a gf playing mommy to him, then he's not someone you want to date.

There is nothing to converse about. Stay away. Major danger. You will be hurt and disappointed if you keep going with this guy. Guaranteed.

Sounds like you're not into staying away from trouble.

[winny]

5 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Also, I don't mean to pile on but the fact that you're already thinking about alllll of this tells me you're WAY ahead of him.  This guy had CASUAL on his profile.  He hasn't even kicked out his "ex."

Pay attention to that niggling feeling saying DANGER AHEAD.  You've used the words "amazing" and "magical" already - falling in limerence takes no time at all and it's a VERY powerful drug.

And she has met him only 2 times?

[Menara]

I got some more info out of this guy yesterday. We had a long conversation about it. He was very sincere and said "I'd rather talk about pleasant things with you but I understand your concern and you have a right to know. I want to answer all of your questions"

So, he gave me the whole story. They were actually never married (I realize that I had asked him if they were still married and he said no so I assumed divorce but in fact he meant to say they were never married). He met her and within 6 months of dating she accidentally got pregnant. He says he knew at the time they were not a great fit, but he was getting older and had always wanted to have kids so he decided to make it work and have the kid with her. They moved to the farm together. She pretended to be really into the idea, but once they were there she didn't want to be involved at all with anything on the farm. She would just spend all her evenings watching soap operas saying she was tired. He accepted that but then after they had the baby things continued to be the same. They didn't really do anything together and after two years of that he finally couldn't stand it anymore and said that he was breaking up with her. That's when she started making demands about money and buying her out etc. He knew she had a point, and that he wouldn't be able to get her to leave otherwise. He also didn't want to move out because he loved his farm. He had another farm before but when they moved in together they bought that one (from what I understand a huge upgrade and not something he would have been able to afford on his own). So he started saving to get her out. 

From what he tells me, they almost don't see each other. He works daytime and is gone early in the morning. She mostly works evenings and often comes home after he's in bed already. They have separate bedrooms, and she basically just lives in hers. She doesn't cook or ever use the kitchen (she just eats out and has a coffee machine in her room). They communicate with each other via text message although they're in the same house. And he assures me they haven't had sex in over 3 years. 

He says that he set up an appointment with a mediator just before Christmas and she didn't show up. That's when he realized he will need a lawyer and not a mediator. I told him I had a good separation/divorce lawyer and he asked me for the info and said he'll call her next week. 

He also mentioned that perhaps he should have looked into all this a bit earlier. But on the one hand he knew he didn't have the money to buy her out yet, and on the other hand, their daughter was not even 2 when they separated, and he felt that this arrangement was perhaps not too bad for the kid and that by the time he had enough money to buy her out, the daughter would be older and things would be easier on that front. 

I honestly don't feel that this guy is lying or making up stories. I know quite a few people who have been in difficult situations of co-habitation after their separation for financial reasons or child rearing reasons. It does happen. I was living in the same house as my ex husband for a year and a half after our separation as well for both financial and child rearing reasons. I actually get that. I think more to the point, do I want to put up with this, and wait for him to resolve this situation.

Also, for the ones thinking I'm jumping ahead of myself with this after two dates, I see your point. We have been in communication for over a month though, and we talk daily. It's just been difficult to see each other. Also, I have overall a good feeling about this guy: he's consistent and seems honest. 

[introverted1]

Not to be Debbie Downer here, but everything he's said -- they sleep in separate rooms, don't have sex, have all but broken up except for her resistance -- can be found pretty much word for word on the Other Man/Other Woman forum.  In fact, you may want to read some of the threads there to give you a sense of how common (and tired) this explanation is:  misunderstood man who is roped into a relationship due to woman's pregnancy and then cannot leave because of finances/kids/reputation/something else.  All while insisting that the relationship is dead, they no longer have sex, they'll be getting a divorce "soon," yadda yadda.  Most women find out that the picture painted is less than accurate -- they are co-parenting, going on vacations together, sexing it up, no plans for divorce, etc. The other woman is typically devastated when she discovers the depth of the deception.

Is it possible your guy is the exception to the rule - maybe.  Is it likely?  It's not where I'd put my money if I were to bet.

 

[vla1120]

I would have run the other direction as soon as I learned he was still living with his ex, but there's nothing wrong with giving him a chance and seeing where this leads. Just keep paying close attention to those instincts. My red flag popped when you posted that you just learned he was never married. However, it now makes more sense that she is refusing to move out and is trying to change the agreement on him concerning $$. If they had been married, this would all have been laid out in the divorce agreement. I would be weary. As long as they are living under the same roof, he really is not "available" in my opinion. It's very early in the relationship. If things are not progressing as you would hope in a month or two, then I guess you'll have a decision to make. 

[smackie9]

I would just meet up for casual dating/fun and not worry about his situation or talk about it anymore. You enjoyed your date, he's great to talk to so just have that and carry on as friends.

[elaine567]

If you are happy with casual then carry on but I doubt this will go any further than that.
If you are looking for something real then steer clear. I know it all sounds tempting, a big house, a big farm, a nice guy and a potentially great lifestyle.
BUT you could quite easily saunter into the OW role, or be a FWB till he manages to persuade his ex and mother of his child to reconcile, if indeed they are having issues. It may be news to her.... 
I am afraid introverted1 is correct, this is all sounding exactly like a MM trying to set up a side affair.
As he has specified casual, then you cannot really complain if that is all it turns out to be. 

[Allupinnit]

Also, I don't mean to sound judgmental but I don't understand why or how people date while still living with their ex.  I get that it takes time to separate, but especially when children are involved I can't imagine why you'd want to complicate everyone's lives like that, one foot out the door.

I think it's a huge red flag that he's basically put all of the blame on her for his impossible living sitch.  Poor guy having to do everything while she sits on her ass and asks for money, also having to be up at 5:30 to take care of the farm himself, how convenient he can't stay the night, ever.  

If you want casual like he said then go ahead and keep sleeping with him on Friday nights while you wait and hope for more, I'm sorry to say.  He's not available in any real sense while they're all still living like a family.

[Menara]

Thank you everyone for your input. I find it helps sometimes to get other people's perspective on things. I think that you all raise very fair points. I would normally be more suspicious but I tend to follow my gut feeling a lot, and somehow my gut, surprisingly so perhaps, is telling me that this guy is ok. He seems genuinely wanting to make this work and wants to appease my worries. He actually already planned two dates for next week after I casually mentioned that scheduling with him was a bit difficult.

All that to say though that I hear you about expectations. I've certainly been doing enough dating in the past two years to have learned to keep my expectations low. I will get excited about someone, but I've learned not to fall in love unless things seem to go somewhere more serious. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket: in fact I am also seeing another person at the moment, and plan on continuing to see him for now (and see where that relationship is heading/developing). The other guy, in fact, is an old friend of mine. And we somehow started sleeping together about 6 months ago being, for the first time since we know each other, both single at the same time. It has been only casual for these months and in fact we were even sharing dating stories! In the past weeks he has randomly brought up a few times that given Covid etc maybe we could just stop seeing other people for a while and see where this goes. I've been avoiding the conversation because I'm not entirely sure if I feel that way about him (since things had been casual I had made sure to not let myself develop any feelings for him). Anyway, another topic! But just to say that I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket and I see the potential red flags with J. 

[Calmandfocused]

Have you told these 2 men about each other Op? That you’re sleeping with both of them? 
 

Reading between the lines there’s a lot of emotional unavailability and deception taking place with everyone involved here, including yourself Op. I sense this will all come to a head, fireworks will ensue and then you’ll be left wondering what on Earth you were thinking.