Met an amazing guy but wondering if he has too much going on to date properly?

[Menara]

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with this guy, almost out of boredom. I had been seeing someone for a few months and finally decided things weren't going anywhere, so instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to force myself to go on some dates. 

Anyway, went on a date with this guy J with absolutely no expectations. He looked super cute on his photos, but he was definitely not my usual date. I generally go for intellectuals or artists, J, however, has a construction company and an organic farm (although he is also quite artsy). So we met. Since there is a lockdown here, we had to meet outside and spent 4 hours sitting on a bench in the rain, drinking wine and chatting away. We totally hit it off! And I've been doing enough dating to know that it's quite rare to hit it off at that level with someone on a first date!

After the date, he texted me right away to see when we could see each other again. He suggested Saturday (we had met on a Wednesday) but I had my kids that day so couldn't. We ended up only meeting again the following Friday. Second date was fantastic. I had him over for dinner and it was magical (yes, we had sex).

I get the sense that he genuinely likes me and wants to see where this could lead, and I feel the same about him. 

HOWEVER (and here comes my question), his situation is quite complicated and I'm just wondering if I'm gonna get frustrated and hurt pursuing this. Let me explain:

1) He lives 60 km away from me, so that's a 35 minute drive

2) He has been separated since 3 years (and is now divorced), however his situation with his ex is quite tricky: she won't move out of the house! So they're kind of roommates since 3 years. He finds it unbearable and is determined to get her to leave (he saved up enough money to buy her out plus 20k for lawyer fees). I would normally be very suspicious of this kind of story, but he seems very genuine and I don't get the feeling he would be the kind of person to lie about this.

3)  He is aware of how complicated his situation is. On his Tinder profile he mentioned "just looking for casual". I had brought this up with him before going on our first date, and he explained the situation with his ex, and said that given all that he felt he couldn't really ask anyone for more, reason why he had mentioned casual. In reality, however, he would prefer to pursue something long term with the right person and casual is in no way a preference.

4) Given the nature of his work, he gets up at 5 am, so weekdays it's impossible to meet. Because of his ex's work schedule, he is the one picking up their daughter from school every day. So even on days that he doesn't have her in the evening, he still needs to pick her up, drive home, and if we were to meet he wouldn't be at my place before 6-7 and would have to leave by 9. Basically, we can only see each other on Fridays evenings (between that schedule and mine with my kids).

5) Since he lives on a farm, he also cannot sleep over because he needs to be home to take care of things in the morning. 

As I said, I like him a lot and would like to see this going somewhere. And I get the sense that he feels the same. However, this situation is quite difficult, and besides the ex who will eventually move out, the rest of the situation will not go away if we become more serious.

I've never been in a situation like that before and am not quite sure what to do with it.

Any comments/suggestions?

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

Everything else can be worked around.  But the weird situation with his ex, where she still lives with him..... I would not have anything to do with that.  He needs to get her out of his house, if that is what he really wants, and then think about dating.

[d0nnivain]

Until he stops living with his EX wife, this is a non starter.  In addition, assume he means it when he says "casual".  Do not get attached.  

As for the rest of it, I'm a busy person too & I hate it when other people decide how much more I can handle.  It's my decision not theirs.  Similarly, if he's telling you he has tine to date, take him at his word until you see evidence that he's not fitting you in.  

[Miss Spider]

He’s looking for casual. Doesn’t sound like you are. You guys aren’t match 

[introverted1]

If he is in fact divorced, then there is no reason to be living with the ex.  There is no "won't" about moving out; it will have been spelled out in the divorce decree.

I'm guessing he is very much married or otherwise committed and you are a side piece.

[Ruby Slippers]

25 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Everything else can be worked around.  But the weird situation with his ex, where she still lives with him..... I would not have anything to do with that.  He needs to get her out of his house, if that is what he really wants, and then think about dating.

Same. I'd never date a guy whose ex is living with him.

[trident_2020]

Never have I heard of a divorce where the two parties kept joint possession of the house.

I smell a rat.

 

[elaine567]

Its a farm, he won't want to sell up. It is his occupation, his living.
He is thus buying her out but she doesn't want to go.
He probably relies on her with the daughter and she needs him to take the daughter to school, so it makes sense to leave things as they are...

[winny]

So you just had 2 dates?

Go online and first find out if he is really divorced.

And date him for some more time (once a week) before even thinking about who will sleep where, when etc.

 

[Weezy1973]

Most important rule of online dating. Don’t get attached too early. 
 

He wants casual; you’re already attached. 

[Menara]

I think I need to explain the situation with his ex a bit more. I really don't get a sense that there's anything fishy there i.e. they are still a couple and he is just looking for an affair. I've asked him a lot of questions about this, and he said that although it's not his favourite topic, he wants to answer all my questions truthfully because he feels I have a right to know.

So, when they separated three years ago, his ex said that she would move out when he has enough money to buy her out. I don't know what sum she was asking for, but it was substantial. He either had the choice of agreeing to sell the farm and split the assets or letting her stay until he had enough money to buy her out. 3 years later he saved up the money that she asked. But in the meantime, she wants more money because the value has been going up. Her not wanting to move out is to pressure him to spit up more money basically. His plan is to get a lawyer and see how to best handle this situation because I think he's a bit at a loss on what to do. He's not living from the farm but from his construction company. His farm is just a hobby farm but for him buying that farm was a dream come true and he has been putting a lot of energy into it. 

As for the schedule with the daughter, at the moment they kind of play it by ear given their shared location, but he says they will do a proper split custody (he mentioned alternate weeks) once she is out. 

[Menara]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Most important rule of online dating. Don’t get attached too early. 
 

He wants casual; you’re already attached. 

I wouldn't say I'm already attached. I've been doing this dating thing long enough to not go there this early! But I do really like him and enjoy his company. 

Also, I don't think that he really wants casual. From what he says, he wants slow to give him time to resolve his situation. I'm ok with slow if I know that it can go somewhere long term. I've invested too much energy in the wrong men since my separation with my ex two years ago. I know I want something more serious. I have a very busy life so if for starts we only meet up once a week I'm ok with that if I know this is something that can work out long term. 

[introverted1]

Unless the laws are drastically different where you are, the terms of the buyout (how much and by when) would have been agreed to in the divorce for exactly the reason he's specifying:  to avoid it becoming a moving target.  Likewise, a custody agreement is part of a divorce settlement, not something that is put together after the fact.

Have you don't your due diligence in vetting this man? It sounds as though you are hearing what you want to believe.

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Menara said:

From what he says, he wants slow to give him time to resolve his situation. 

Their living arrangements should have been resolved in the divorce decree.  In some places them living together is a barrier to divorce.  Where I'm from you can't legally get divorced until you can prove that you live separate & apart.  

He only needs time to find someone gullible enough to believe this BS he's peddling.  

Something is definitely off here.  

Edited January 27, 2021 by d0nnivain

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Menara said:

His farm is just a hobby farm but for him buying that farm was a dream come true and he has been putting a lot of energy into it. 

A farm is a labour of love to some and very few will want to sell up. I get that.
If she thinks she is due more money due to rising property values. I get that too.
There may be nothing fishy going on here.
But, getting involved with a man who is "wedded" to the land and has another job too, can be a lonely life.

[Menara]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Their living arrangements should have been resolved in the divorce decree.  In some places them living together is a barrier to divorce.  Where I'm from you can't legally get divorced until you can prove that you live separate & apart.  

He only needs time to find someone gullible enough to believe this BS he's peddling.  

Something is definitely off here.  

I see your point, and perhaps indeed there is something fishy going on here. But those things can be complicated. It seems it's a large property, and that they are living separately within it. Those things can get complicated. When my ex and I separated, neither could afford to move out and we ended up converting our house into a duplex. We had some trouble convincing the law that we were not living together but eventually managed to file for divorce although still living in the same house. The house separation was part of the divorce agreement in the sense that we continued to be co-owners of it. It is only 6 months after being officially divorced that he decided to move out and we negotiated that I would keep the house and buy him out. I remember at the time starting to date this guy who was a little confused and suspicious of the situation. So, I know first hand that divorce with kids can be tricky and that many people agree to strange temporary arrangements for different reasons. 

I have also looked him up online, and his story seems to match his Facebook updates. There is not a single photo of his ex on any of his posts of the last three years while he would frequently post family photos before that date. 

[lana-banana]

He could very well be lying, but it strikes me as strange that he'd tell you about such a complicated situation immediately if the intent was to string you along. You should be able to verify the divorce itself in public records (but check multiple sources since public records databases may be incomplete)---if he's not telling the truth about that, then cut him loose. If he is indeed divorced, and you choose to proceed with this, then it should be only a matter of time before you actually meet her; if he refuses, then yeah, he's probably lying about something here.

I tend to be an Occam's razor type of person. It seems to me that if he wanted to lie about not being married, he could have just lied. Divorce is very different from separated, and is easy enough to prove, so I'm not sure why he would lie about that instead of the much easier "we're separating". I dunno. I would at least strongly recommend seeing other people until you can prove whether he's telling the truth.

 

[trident_2020]

Tell him  you want to see his place.

Sooner rather than later.

I'm sure his exwife won't mind.

 

[Menara]

14 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Tell him  you want to see his place.

Sooner rather than later.

I'm sure his exwife won't mind.

 

Haha! I see your point! Honestly though I wouldn't be very comfortable with a) meeting his ex wife (unless things get serious) also b) meeting his daughter who will be there of course (again unless things get serious).

 

[Menara]

So it seems everyone here thinks the main issue is his living situation? I actually thought the issue was more around scheduling and availability. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Menara said:

his ex is quite tricky: she won't move out of the house!

On his Tinder profile he mentioned "just looking for casual".

,he also cannot sleep over because he needs to be home to take care of things in the morning. 

Trust your instincts. it's too complicated. Even though you it it off and had chemistry, there are simply too many red flags. Cut your losses early in these settings. It prevents a lot of heartaches and headaches.

[notbroken]

Someone mentioned it - but go online and check the county's divorce records.  You should be able to verify he is actually divorced.  Start there. 

[Weezy1973]

26 minutes ago, Menara said:

So it seems everyone here thinks the main issue is his living situation? I actually thought the issue was more around scheduling and availability. 

Casual vs. serious I think is the main issue. The scheduling and availability pretty much forces a casual situation. Would you be okay not being exclusive?

[Menara]

10 minutes ago, notbroken said:

Someone mentioned it - but go online and check the county's divorce records.  You should be able to verify he is actually divorced.  Start there. 

Well, I don't know if other countries are more organized, but I have actually found this impossible to track down. You somehow need to get it through Archives Canada but I could not figure it out. I think you would need to email them and ask for a copy which I think is a bit too much given this situation. I couldn't find my own record either.

[basil67]

I'm not buying that the divorce is final and she won't move out.  If he's got the money to buy her out and cover the legal fees, it makes no sense that he hasn't actioned it yet.   If he wants her gone, why didn't he already do it?