Husband looking at She-Male, Swinger, Bondage, etc., BUT wants no sex with wife

[Jubilee100]

Hello,

 

I am new. I was needing any information or opionions that can be offered. I just probley need a counselor!

 

I am 44 and my husband is 63. I have three children from a previous marriage. This is my third marriage. From what I can figure out, this is his sixth (6) marriage. Yes, I was drunk when I married him. I have been sober to 5 years now. He has never been, so called, really into love making (sex). I have heard every excuse from "The Children will hear us" to "I have a headache" (cliche!).

 

We have been married almost 7 years. The first year of marriage we had sex 6 times. The next 5.5 years has been 2-3 times A YEAR. Yes, you heard me. I have read some input of a bunch of people talking about not having sex but once a week or once a month. I am talking 2-3 times a years. I have tried to be romantic, wild, even asked what his fantisies were and this was to no avail. Then I begged and got turned down my last time. That was last Novemeber (2004). I told my self at that time, that was the last time.

 

On December the 30th of 2004 I went down and got my belly pierced. Really stupid for a 44 year old mom, Huh? This was purely to see how long it would take my husband to notice. HE HAS NEVER noticed. I finally said something about it after I started finding the Erotica magazines with She-Males in them. He has thrown them away and promises me he is straight.

There were swinggers, bondage, threesomes, etc.

 

He is the type person who always talks about how other people have no morals. My problem is that HE doe not look at ME. I have been very hurt because I have other men look at me and WANT me including his best friend, but chooses to look at erotica pornography. He has said that on the case of the She-Male books, he did not know what he was getting when he bought them; that it came in a package. I do not believe anyone would spend $20.00 and not know what they were getting. He also had some magazines from the '80's. Can you buy used books at these Adult Bookstores or has he had these somewhere since we have been married? Does he just have a fetish with She-Males and some of this other stuff. Is he a closet bi-sexual?

 

He does think that our lives are perfect and that we have everything. To me it is like he is putting on a show to prove that he can play family, but without the love and affection.

 

Your input would be greatly appreciated.

[Aquarius Guy]

There are various stages of arousal.

 

So if you start with light fun, and see what works up.

 

Have you ever looked at at Foreplay in

 

http://www.sexualforums.com

 

I enjoy looking at a wide range of erotica, in the amrital bedroom with my wife. I prefer to look art erotica with my wife. I ask her to keep my interste in various forms of erotic images secret. Can you keep your marital bedroom fun secret?

 

Pornography is enjoyable to males. Can you put a boom box near your door, or turn on some space fans or bathrooom fans to cut down the noise of heavy breathing? Do you have any types of CD's of continuous, background music?

 

Do you have a DVD and TV in your bedroom? Can you get a XXX DVD?

 

Men are conditoned to lie about porn, masturbation and varous sexual positons. Asking yhour husband, will likely get you years of training in lies.

 

Rejection in Love hurt. But rejections in lovemaking are not fatal. Maybe, after a rejction, let it go at the time, and bring up thje subject a day or tow later, and see what kind of stages you can back up to. Playing a XX DVD in the marital bedroom with hubby, might be a starting level.

[Milo]

Anyone in a marriage who is not up to having sex with their spouse can happily expect them to go elsewhere for the affection and attention. I have not one bit of consideration for this kind of spouse. While you are at it, feel free to kick this dead wood to the curb. Life is too short for this bait-and-switch. Not into the wife or husband, well why in hell did you get married in the first place????

[jonesgirly]

You know, I am fairly open-minded when it comes to fantasies, etc. that my spouse may ( or may not ) have. BUT....I would expect to be INCLUDED in them!

 

Your husband seems to have fetishes that either embarrass him, or that he feels are "seperate" from his married life. The fact that he choses not to have a "normal" sex life with his wife is enough for me to think the latter.

 

This is NOT something that will simply "go away." Your husband seems to be fine without a physical relationship with you (in bed). That may or may not be something you are willing to live with for the rest of your life. You probably need to think about that, and include him in on your thoughts and/or decisions.

[whyohwhy]

I agree totally with milo and jonesgirly. This is NOT about a husband enjoying a little literary stimulation as an addition to a satisfying sex life with his wife. This is him using those printed, "out there" SHE-MALE materials as 99% of his sex life. The magazines get his attention, you get ignored.

 

He's 63 and doubtless set in his ways, with some very strong patterns established throughout his life, so I would strongly counsel you not to expect any changes in him. Take him for what he is, realizing that you will continue to be starved of the loving sexual attention that most other women can receive almost as a birthright, or leave him.

 

Unless there's something amazingly good about him, I recommend leaving him. There was never any good reason to get married in the first place...and there's no good reason to stay married.

 

Lots of good men out there who would be happy to love and give you the closeness that you crave.

 

Good luck!

[Aquarius Guy]

Dear Juilee,

 

How old are your children? How easy would it be to get another man to step in as a step-dad? What would be the impact on the kids if you dumped H?

 

You are taking his lack of sexual participation personally. Have you suggested talking to a Doctor or a Counselor?

 

Many women are in the mood in the evening, and many men have a morning erection. Have you ever offered to be available for foreplay in the morning? What time does he go to work? I once lived with a woman for a short time who was available to me in the morning, as I was getting up for work. I did not know what a Treasure I had. Having lived with several other women, since then, I have found many other foibles and blocks.

 

Have you tried any compromises? Do you have any compromises in mind to try?

 

Blessings