smackie9 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) OK here's the thing about moving in together...talk/work on boundaries, and personal space. Everyone needs their own space even tho you live as a couple. Stop using his laptop and get your own. You can easily get a refurbished one fairy cheap. Define a space where you can go and be out of sight to work, and he can have his own area that he can call his, a small man cave, like a carport, porch/deck, shed, whatever to get out of your hair. Set up a dry erase board in the kitchen...small one on the fridge that has a calendar. Write down when people are coming over, events, grocery list, appointments, reminders, etc. This helps keep the household running efficiently, reminds both what is going on without arguing over "forgetting", it's an extension of communication. This has always help me and my husband with planning, and working around each other's schedules. Next sit down and discuss communication. For example, if he's not in a good mood, talk about it, or he can request some alone time but in a civil manner..drop the attitude. Letting the other know so there isn't resentment, feeling of rejection, etc helps immensely to not get on each others nerves. Respect is a big one. Name calling and using foul language directed at one another should not be tolerated. And this has to be made very clear. Agree that if the other is out of sorts, just give them a hug. Be positive in your conversations, always look forward to good things. Edited January 26, 2021 by smackie9
introverted1 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 2 hours ago, Scorpi said: So I moved in with my boyfriend awhile ago since I thought he was this great guy. It seems like he is very moody and overreacts to things though. Here are some examples: - I was looking for my external hard drive. I ended up finding a battery pack instead. I asked my boyfriend what it was. He told me that it was a battery pack. So I plugged it in his computer. Then he got upset at me. He was like he was offended that I didn't believe him. I'm like I was just making sure that it was a battery pack in fact. So he changed his password to his computer so I couldn't used it which wasn't good since I use his computer for work. This would annoy me, too - both you questioning whether I knew the difference between a battery pack and an external drive, and randomly plugging something in to my laptop (which can do damage, especially if you have no clue what you are plugging in). Quote - A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend asked what I was doing in the afternoon. I'm like working. He was like he thought my one friend was coming over. I was like oh yea, that is right. I forgot about that since I had too many things on my mind. He thought I was lying though. I ended up apologizing to him though. During this time, he started to mock me and told me to f*** me which I thought was disrespectful. Mocking and swearing is not ok. Unless you have had prior instances of forgetting what you will be doing, or other occasions of being dishonest, his accusation that you are lying is uncalled for. Quote - A couple of days ago, he said that our relationship mightn't be long term since it seems like we have different values which I didn't agree with. So he might just break up with me soon. Also he mentioned about that lying incident. So it seems like he is still holding a grudge which isn't right. I thought he should be over that by now since it was a small thing and happened a couple of weeks ago. It also happened once. I also asked if there were things about me that bothered him. He said no, there wasn't which didn't make sense to me. If there wasn't anything that bothered him, then why he mentioned about this relationship being short termed? What are the differences in values he observes? Do you agree that you have different values?
d0nnivain Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 53 minutes ago, Scorpi said: Yea, I agree with the trust concerns. I have been honest with him and totally up front with him though. So he shouldn't have any reason not to trust me but I don't think this is all because of me. And I agree. I should have my work supply me with a laptop of my own so I don't have to use his computer. My work is ok with me using his computer though. It's not about you. He's incapable of trusting.
Ami1uwant Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 47 minutes ago, Scorpi said: At least he gave me a warning but still. And yes, my computer does know. I should have them give me a laptop. from my personal experience... prior to my divorcing my wife.... we had a desktop I regularly used and she used the laptop. I’d sometimes use the laptop. We had separate accounts we’d log into. I log into mine and find things jacked up so I go into hers and see it now password protected when it wasn’t before. I went into some thumb drives snd found documents of her planning a surprise divorce when I was going to on work travel. we had marital problem and went through counseling. The big issue was her not working and not doing equal parts in the relationship. I had thought about divorce but I wanted her on her feet with working. me discovering this was a Sunday in April. A week later was the last time I saw her face. We were divorced in about 100 days after. he likely is looking for moving out and finding a new relationship. I think he’d rather have you end it thus he doesn’t have the guilt of being the bad person.
Author Scorpi Posted January 26, 2021 Author Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) 34 minutes ago, introverted1 said: This would annoy me, too - both you questioning whether I knew the difference between a battery pack and an external drive, and randomly plugging something in to my laptop (which can do damage, especially if you have no clue what you are plugging in). Mocking and swearing is not ok. Unless you have had prior instances of forgetting what you will be doing, or other occasions of being dishonest, his accusation that you are lying is uncalled for. What are the differences in values he observes? Do you agree that you have different values? Yea, I should have handle that differently. A battery pack and an external drive looks similar to me though so was just making sure. I figure if it indeed that was a battery pack, then it won't do any damage. And I agree. If I kept on making the same mistakes, then that is a different story but that is not the case. When he mentioned the values, I asked him about it. His response was about the lying incident. I thought that was a lame excuse since I have always been honest with him and upfront about things. Edited January 26, 2021 by Scorpi
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Life is way too hard to be coming home at night to a man that is not interested in giving and receiving affection, that touches you only if there is sex involved, that looses his cool because you plugged battery instead of an external hard-drive, that looses his cool because you forget a friend drops by. All those are normal issues of life that don't deserve anyone to loose their cool over it, if it's all it takes for him to suggest a break up than your relationship is doomed! Noway your relationship will be able to survive a journey through illness, financial difficulties, loss of job, death in the family and 100 other REAL issues of life. This is NOT the man you'll be able to lean on, he's not the one that will wipe your tears, or hold your hand when you need it. You've been together only a few months you should be in your honeymoon phase still. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) Yeah I’m sorry. I think your boyfriend wants out. Moving in with each other may have exacerbated problems that were already there/made incompatibilities even more obvious. But the way he is acting seems like someone who wants out. When people want out they sometimes they adopt a rude , DGAF attitude towards you in hopes you’ll leave first. I have done it before. Sorry. I don’t think you should put up with this. Figure out a another living situation ASAP and give him what he wants because he sounds like a jerk. Edited January 26, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Author Scorpi Posted January 26, 2021 Author Posted January 26, 2021 18 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Life is way too hard to be coming home at night to a man that is not interested in giving and receiving affection, that touches you only if there is sex involved, that looses his cool because you plugged battery instead of an external hard-drive, that looses his cool because you forget a friend drops by. All those are normal issues of life that don't deserve anyone to loose their cool over it, if it's all it takes for him to suggest a break up than your relationship is doomed! Noway your relationship will be able to survive a journey through illness, financial difficulties, loss of job, death in the family and 100 other REAL issues of life. This is NOT the man you'll be able to lean on, he's not the one that will wipe your tears, or hold your hand when you need it. You've been together only a few months you should be in your honeymoon phase still. Yea, life is too short to be putting up with this sort of stuff. This is no way to live. I am tired of walking on eggshells and being stressed out. Speaking of tears, I cried after he mentioned that this relationship may not be long term. He just asked if I was ok. I am like nope. Then he started to watch tv which a normal boyfriend shouldn't be doing. A boyfriend should be loving and supportive. 1
Author Scorpi Posted January 26, 2021 Author Posted January 26, 2021 5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Yeah I’m sorry. I think your boyfriend wants out. Moving in with each other may have exacerbated problems that were already there/made incompatibilities even more obvious. But the way he is acting seems like someone who wants out. When people want out they sometimes they adopt a rude , DGAF attitude towards you in hopes you’ll leave first. I have done it before. Sorry. I don’t think you should put up with this. Figure out a another living situation ASAP and give him what he wants because he sounds like a jerk. Yea, that is not the correct way to be dealing with that. Instead he should have talk to me about things and tried to work things out. If we couldn't work things out, then we should go on our separate ways. Of course, he isn't like that because it does seem like he is a jerk. 1
CollinW Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 When someone has checked out of the relationship molehills are turned into mountains. He's mentally checked out and is creating tension and reasons to justify it. If I were you I'd preemptively just end the suffering rather than continuing to waste each other's time. It would be better to end it and be open to revisiting down the line, but right now no one is benefiting from the situation. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 21 minutes ago, Scorpi said: Yea, life is too short to be putting up with this sort of stuff. This is no way to live. I am tired of walking on eggshells and being stressed out. Speaking of tears, I cried after he mentioned that this relationship may not be long term. He just asked if I was ok. I am like nope. Then he started to watch tv which a normal boyfriend shouldn't be doing. A boyfriend should be loving and supportive. That's because he doesn't actually want to be your boyfriend anymore. He is looking for excuses to end it, and I guarantee that when he dumps you (because that is coming), he will say it's because you "lie" to him. This relationship is coming to end, OP. You might as well not waste any more of your time, and get new accommodations/housing sorted. He is the type to give you no notice or an iota of compassion when the days comes that he wants you out of his house. 1
Author Scorpi Posted January 26, 2021 Author Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: That's because he doesn't actually want to be your boyfriend anymore. He is looking for excuses to end it, and I guarantee that when he dumps you (because that is coming), he will say it's because you "lie" to him. This relationship is coming to end, OP. You might as well not waste any more of your time, and get new accommodations/housing sorted. He is the type to give you no notice or an iota of compassion when the days comes that he wants you out of his house. That is messed up. A decent person wouldn't be doing those sort of things. It just shows the lack of maturity and empathy. Working on an escape plan now since I don't want to be caught without having a place to live. Edited January 26, 2021 by Scorpi
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Scorpi said: That is messed up. A decent person wouldn't be doing those sort of things. It just shows the lack of maturity and empathy. Working on an escape plan now since I don't want to be caught without having a place to live. Yes, exactly. You're learning he's not the person you thought he was. Edited January 26, 2021 by ExpatInItaly
basil67 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 1 hour ago, Scorpi said: Yea, I should have handle that differently. A battery pack and an external drive looks similar to me though so was just making sure. I figure if it indeed that was a battery pack, then it won't do any damage. Here's a problem straight up. You say that you should have handled it differently, then you go on to defend yourself. There is no defense for plugging something which you don't know what it is into to someone else's computer. Especially after they told you that it's not what you thought it was. 37 minutes ago, Scorpi said: Speaking of tears, I cried after he mentioned that this relationship may not be long term. He just asked if I was ok. I am like nope. Then he started to watch tv which a normal boyfriend shouldn't be doing. A boyfriend should be loving and supportive. Yes, it's disappointing to hear that he's ready to end things, but it's not his job to comfort you after he's told you that he's on his way out. When someone is at the point of breaking up, you need to be your own support and make your own plans. A lot of people have said that he's picking on things because he wants to end it. I think it's the other way around - he wants to end it because he's irritated with you and has given up on biting his tongue. 2
Author Scorpi Posted January 26, 2021 Author Posted January 26, 2021 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: Here's a problem straight up. You say that you should have handled it differently, then you go on to defend yourself. There is no defense for plugging something which you don't know what it is into to someone else's computer. Especially after they told you that it's not what you thought it was. Yes, it's disappointing to hear that he's ready to end things, but it's not his job to comfort you after he's told you that he's on his way out. When someone is at the point of breaking up, you need to be your own support and make your own plans. A lot of people have said that he's picking on things because he wants to end it. I think it's the other way around - he wants to end it because he's irritated with you and has given up on biting his tongue. Why do you think he wants to end things because he is tired of me and has given up? I told him if something is bothering him about me or I'm doing something that bothers him, then let me know.
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: I think it's the other way around - he wants to end it because he's irritated with you and has given up on biting his tongue. You're being really tough on the poor girl here. Plugging a battery to a laptop is not worth being thrown F words at her.
trident_2020 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 I disagree with the posters who say he's done with the relationship. This guy sounds like the type who has learned that his girlfriend will put up with any BS he dumps on her and provides a convenient channel for him to unload all his anger and stress. Since she's so accepting of it he keeps right on doing it and goes from bad to worse. He probably isn't even completely aware of how crappy he's treating her because it's evolved into the "new normal". Until she finally reaches her limit and dumps her and then he'll be practically begging her for another chance promising he'll treat her like a princess. 2
notbroken Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Why don't you just ask him what he wants? Ask him if he wants to break up. Wouldn't that clear things up? Of course it might force the issue. Regardless, definitely get your own laptop and never plug anything into someone else's computer without permission. 1
basil67 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 9 minutes ago, Scorpi said: Why do you think he wants to end things because he is tired of me and has given up? I told him if something is bothering him about me or I'm doing something that bothers him, then let me know. Because he told you that he's on his way out. And because he's getting annoyed at everything you do. And because he's not interested in talking things through with you in an effort to solve them.
trident_2020 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Just now, notbroken said: Why don't you just ask him what he wants? Ask him if he wants to break up. Nah, that's weak and pointless. He's not going to say "Yes, in fact I want to break up, good bye". Doesn't work that way, and like I said there's a really good chance he likes things just the way they are.
basil67 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You're being really tough on the poor girl here. Plugging a battery to a laptop is not worth being thrown F words at her. No, it's not worth being sworn at. But that doesn't mean that she has a defense for plugging stuff into his computer to find out what it is.
basil67 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 2 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: Nah, that's weak and pointless. He's not going to say "Yes, in fact I want to break up, good bye". Doesn't work that way, and like I said there's a really good chance he likes things just the way they are. To be fair, I did exactly this to my ex-h when he pushed me on my being unhappy. I literally took my bags and was gone within the hour.
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 1 minute ago, basil67 said: But that doesn't mean that she has a defense for plugging stuff into his computer to find out what it is. I don't understand the big deal about her plugging a battery on his laptop. If you find a device that has a USB or HDMI that fits your pc I am pretty sure it's meant to be plugged there and it won't explode on contact.
basil67 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: I don't understand the big deal about her plugging a battery on his laptop. If you find a device that has a USB or HDMI that fits your pc I am pretty sure it's meant to be plugged there and it won't explode on contact. The deal is that she used his computer to test a device which she didn't know what it was. And for the record, a USB of unknown background won't explode on contact, but it may well infect your computer with all kinds of nasties. I'd have words if someone was plugging a random USB into my computer to see what it was. 2 1
Fox Sake Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: No, it's not worth being sworn at. But that doesn't mean that she has a defense for plugging stuff into his computer to find out what it is. I have to say I agree. He isn’t here to defend himself and both people need to be responsible for their actions. I think she undermined him the moment she decided to see for herself what it was and plugging it in, instead of taking his word. It could easily have been the catalyst. This is not to say he’s without fault, by any means! @Scorpi it can always he hard moving in blindly with people. Best to stay a few days at a time and slowly extend it so you can feel each other out. Keep your chin up!
Recommended Posts