Tooinsecure1 Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 My bf is very opinionated and while he boasts about his skills, I think he’s insecure especially about the men I’ve been with before meeting him. He has a bad habit of making fun of me from time to time and while I can take it sometimes it gets a bit much. However in some cases I think he goes too far. Examples are while he was helping empty my closet this last weekend for the painter, we came across some old cards from a prior boyfriend and a picture. I thought he was going to pass out but I assured him that relationship has been over for some time which is truthful. He then made jokes about me prior bf saying he looked old and fat. In fact he has said to me in the past that I like “fat guys” based on pics he has seen. He is very fit and lean but jokes around that he needs to gain weight because he knows “I like them fat”. While this is amusing he says it often. Even with the above, the thing that he said that does disturb me is about my late husband. He saw a wedding picture sitting in the closet and said that my late husband‘s front tooth needed repair. FYI my boyfriend is a dentist. While I appreciate my late husband may have had an issue with his front tooth from an old injury, I don’t believe that a statement was appropriate at all and when he said it a few times I said hey that’s not right just don’t talk about it. I don’t find it funny. Again I think this comes from his source sense of feeling very insecure even with about my deceased husband. I’m concerned that this pattern will continue and that any joking around he does about me will expand into more uncomfortable episodes. We do love each other but he constantly asks me if I want to spend the rest of my life with him and if I love him even though I assure him I do. Will I be able to keep pace with his insecurities and resulting behavior?
dramafreezone Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 Sounds like a good person but a deeply insecure one. He has to put down others to prop himself up. Then reveals his insecurity by asking if you want to spend the rest of your life with him and if you love him. To me it seems obvious that deep down he doesn't feel worthy of you. Maybe dig deeper and ask why he feels as though you wouldn't want to marry him or you don't love him. This is probably rooted to something in his past.
basil67 Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 Usually I'm all about positive communication based around careful choice of words. But in this situation, I'd be hard pressed to not respond with "So the way you regularly insult men from my past, is it to make yourself feel better over your own insecurities? If so, it's a very unattractive trait" 3
ShyViolet Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Sorry but this guy sounds like a total jerk. Have you ever called him out on this and told him that you do not like the way he jokes, and not to do it again? You don't have to "take it." You need to speak up when he does things that are inappropriate, don't just stay quiet and let them go. And if he keeps acting inappropriately then you shouldn't be with him. 4
Ami1uwant Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 My observation... Iirc you said he’s a dentist so the comment about his tooth isn’t offensive. He’s just making an observation in his profession. You are interpreting with the bias of other comments. him commenting on you seemly to go fir heavier men is a fair observation when it comes to long term relationships. It’s no different if you have a pattern in types of guys you’ve dated that he doesn’t fit. Women would ask the same questions if he was not dating someone like his past gfs in terms of looks, style, interests, outgoing vs introvert.
Farthest Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 The best thing you can do is make a list of these situations where he made jokes. Write them down. Make three columns: 1: the situation that led up to this (possible triggers? Stressors? Anything happen between you two?) 2: the statement 3: how it made you feel, why you felt he went too far, why you felt he said it. Be direct, sit him down. You said it nicely in your post, OP, so open with that you think he went too far, that you love him but you sense there is an issue. You need to do this now, cos as you said, it will not stop. Maybe show him the list and make sure he understands that there is no need for statements like this.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Tell him to knock it off, because his insecurity and rudeness is unattractive. Full stop. It shouldn’t require some in-depth conversation of why his behaviour is problematic. 5
Wiseman2 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, Tooinsecure1 said: . He saw a wedding picture sitting in the closet and said that my late husband‘s front tooth needed repair. FYI my boyfriend is a dentist. How long have you been widowed? How long have you been dating? What do your kids think of him? Don't hang on to this guy because you are lonely or want to be Mrs. Doctor. He's not "insecure", he's a plain old mean and nasty bully. That's all. But you already know that. You've had huge rows with him and he's awful to your adult children. Edited January 26, 2021 by Wiseman2 3 1
Fletch Lives Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Why do you have pics of your ex boyfriends? You are suppose to throw those away. He's not insecure, he's jelous. And understandably so. What if I was your boyfriend and I had pics of old girlfriends, and one on the nightstand? How would that make you feel? 1
ShyViolet Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: Why do you have pics of your ex boyfriends? You are suppose to throw those away. Are you serious? People don't HAVE to throw away pictures of exes. They should put them away out of sight if they have a new partner, but throw them away? They are allowed to keep them. They don't have to purge all memories of a person from their life. That is their choice. 6 1
Fletch Lives Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Relationships take work.......part of this work includes not making your partner needlessly jelous. This includes not keeping pics of your ex around. These are exs......hello, Mcfly! Time to face reality.
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 24 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Relationships take work.......part of this work includes not making your partner needlessly jelous. How is she making him jealous on purpose by keeping an old picture in a box at the bottom of her closet? C'mon. 3
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 When he does it, you have to communicate with him in a civil manner how his comment was uncalled for. You have to do it in the moment and correct the issue immediately. That's all it takes.
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 19 hours ago, Tooinsecure1 said: I said hey that’s not right just don’t talk about it. I don’t find it funny. How did he react when you stood up for yourself? I think your bf is emotionally immature, rude and insensitive. Who in their right mind makes comments like this about a deceased spouse! I would confront him with it and not put any white gloves doing it. Listen! I am more than tired of your little comments about my exs, you cut it out or you go find yourself a new girlfriend. Don't worry he's not gonna go anywhere. 2
SumGuy Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Relationships take work.......part of this work includes not making your partner needlessly jelous. This includes not keeping pics of your ex around. These are exs......hello, Mcfly! Time to face reality. Completely disagree. If someone gets bent out of shape for you having pictures of an ex kept in a private space, such as a box in a closet, they are way to insecure to date. If that extra bit of evidence that they dated and, gasp, had sex with others before is too much...time for a reality check. I tend to do the opposite though of anything that appears to be what would Biff Tannen recommend. Also is she supposed to throw out pictures of her deceased husband? 2
Ami1uwant Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 5 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Why do you have pics of your ex boyfriends? You are suppose to throw those away. He's not insecure, he's jelous. And understandably so. What if I was your boyfriend and I had pics of old girlfriends, and one on the nightstand? How would that make you feel? have you been married and divorced? I wouldn’t expect someone to spread all those pictures if this person was part of their life. Even in a divorce in most cases there were some good times. They may have gone places together. 4
SumGuy Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 17 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Sorry but this guy sounds like a total jerk. Have you ever called him out on this and told him that you do not like the way he jokes, and not to do it again? You don't have to "take it." You need to speak up when he does things that are inappropriate, don't just stay quiet and let them go. And if he keeps acting inappropriately then you shouldn't be with him. I agree. It's nice of OP to try to give him the benefit of the doubt about his comment on her deceased husband's teeth, but really there is no excuse. His negative comment about her deceased husband is just wrong, no excuse for it; only a complete douche would make such a comment about a deceased loved one. It's cold, callous, flippant, and disrespectful at the least. Can it even be jealousy, it is not one can get back with their deceased spouse. On his other frequent comments about the exes being "fat," yah big time insecurity complex going on there; and it is also disrespectful to OP as pretty sure he intends the word "fat" as an insult. In my experience, this is just the tip of the ice berg, such insecurity and disrespect (or just cluelessness of your feelings) will lead to no end of other BS OP will have to deal with. If he is young, under 30 perhaps, perhaps, he can grow out of it or learn, but if older if he hasn't learned by now I doubt he ever will; more likely he will have a a whole defensive complex and rationalization built up by now.
peach302 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) 23 hours ago, Tooinsecure1 said: My bf is very opinionated and while he boasts about his skills, I think he’s insecure especially about the men I’ve been with before meeting him. He has a bad habit of making fun of me from time to time and while I can take it sometimes it gets a bit much. However in some cases I think he goes too far. Examples are while he was helping empty my closet this last weekend for the painter, we came across some old cards from a prior boyfriend and a picture. I thought he was going to pass out but I assured him that relationship has been over for some time which is truthful. He then made jokes about me prior bf saying he looked old and fat. In fact he has said to me in the past that I like “fat guys” based on pics he has seen. He is very fit and lean but jokes around that he needs to gain weight because he knows “I like them fat”. While this is amusing he says it often. Even with the above, the thing that he said that does disturb me is about my late husband. He saw a wedding picture sitting in the closet and said that my late husband‘s front tooth needed repair. FYI my boyfriend is a dentist. While I appreciate my late husband may have had an issue with his front tooth from an old injury, I don’t believe that a statement was appropriate at all and when he said it a few times I said hey that’s not right just don’t talk about it. I don’t find it funny. Again I think this comes from his source sense of feeling very insecure even with about my deceased husband. I’m concerned that this pattern will continue and that any joking around he does about me will expand into more uncomfortable episodes. We do love each other but he constantly asks me if I want to spend the rest of my life with him and if I love him even though I assure him I do. Will I be able to keep pace with his insecurities and resulting behavior? I would never give anyone the time of day who needs to put others down to prop themselves up. This will never stop. It says a lot about his lack of character. And in answer to your very last question. NO.. Edited January 26, 2021 by peach302 4
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Yeah, he sounds super insecure. Did you talk to him about this. Did you tell him to stop making these comments because it’s turning you off and you don’t find it amusing
Trail Blazer Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 20 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: My observation... Iirc you said he’s a dentist so the comment about his tooth isn’t offensive. He’s just making an observation in his profession. You are interpreting with the bias of other comments. him commenting on you seemly to go fir heavier men is a fair observation when it comes to long term relationships. It’s no different if you have a pattern in types of guys you’ve dated that he doesn’t fit. Women would ask the same questions if he was not dating someone like his past gfs in terms of looks, style, interests, outgoing vs introvert. Why say it at all? My observation is that he is insulting her choice in men from a purely superficial perspective. She doesn't have to justify why she was attracted to a previous partner, nobody does! Especially, though, when it's about their looks! We hear all the time from women on here that attraction isn't just about looks. Her ex-husband may have been overweight, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't unattractive to her! As for the comment about his teeth; so what!? So, they guy is a dentist. I don't have to be a dermatologist to observe someone with poor skin. Dermatologist or not, it's totally inappropriate to make comments! What makes it all worse is the fact that the guy is deceased! Show come decorum! The poor guy is dead, so no observation, relevant or not, is going to practically be of use. His comments are just mean and rude! 3
kendahke Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 (edited) Commenting on your late husband's tooth ONCE is fine... to keep on coming back to it is the problem. Like what can be done now that he's deceased? Commenting on your ex's weight ONCE is fine... to keep coming back to it says he's got a problem with you having lived a life and not shut yourself up in a room until he came upon the scene. What he is doing is negging your romantic judgement. None of this is a sign of emotional maturity. Doesn't matter how many letters he's got trailing behind his name, he's immature. The next time he does it, you need to stop him and ask him is there something he needs to say to you because he keeps bringing up things that you cannot change for his satisfaction and if he'd rather leave, there's the door. But nothing is spinning the earth backwards for you to have a do-over to before you married your late husband so that he would have first chance with you in the blush of your youth... so either he gets over that and grows up or he bounces. UNLESS... you need this guy in your life that badly. Edited January 27, 2021 by kendahke
kendahke Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 10 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Relationships take work.......part of this work includes not making your partner needlessly jelous. This includes not keeping pics of your ex around. These are exs......hello, Mcfly! Time to face reality. They weren't displayed on the mantle above the fireplace: Quote while he was helping empty my closet this last weekend for the painter, we came across some old cards from a prior boyfriend and a picture. if they were, then yeah, she needs to rethink this relationship. She doesn't have to get rid of any property she doesn't want to get rid of. He needs to grow the eff up. Her life didn't spontaneously animate when he showed up. He isn't mature enough yet to be in a relationship if he's acting like he's 14.
Fletch Lives Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 (edited) 16 hours ago, SumGuy said: Also is she supposed to throw out pictures of her deceased husband? I'd recommend it if you want a new relationship. It's clear some of you have a lot to learn about relationships. If you want a great one, you have to make sacrifices. There is no free lunch. I can't believe you guys. You are so selfish and narrow minded. So what if I'm in a relationship and I take pictures with pretty girls and have them around where my SO can find them. Would you guys say this is okay? I'd like to see how you would feel if your SO does this to you, when the shoe is on the other foot. Edited January 27, 2021 by Fletch Lives
Wiseman2 Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: It's clear some of you have a lot to learn about relationships. Edited January 27, 2021 by Wiseman2
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